Sarina and I spent the next day at the house with David, Alyssa and the twins. Amanda, Sarina and I helped move David into the larger bed, along with his oxygen, setting up everything before hand, so Alyssa and the twins could sleep in the bed with him. Alyssa was exhausted, physically and emotionally. I helped out doing the twins laundry, took out the trash, did dishes, while Sarina cooked meals for Amanda and Alyssa to reheat for them. David only was eating a few bites of food at meal times, or when he was offered something. Which we tried to do every hour, with applesauce, jell-o, mashed potatoes, anything soft and easier to digest with his stomach.
While Alyssa slept next to David in the bed, the twins napping too, Sarina is sitting in there with them, talking to David. She holds his hand, sitting on the edge of the bed. They talk about old times, good times, bad times too. David tells Sarina, to make sure that she tells the twins all about their daddy and how much he loves them. He asks her to help him write a few more letters. One of them for Alyssa and then the twins.
I'm folding the tall mountain of baby clothes, blankets, burp towels, and other miscellaneous items that were in the clothes hamper. Amanda is outside, taking care of the horses with Dass who came over to help out too. I finish it the last of it, pick up the hamper and put what I can away in the baby's room. I make sure there's plenty of diapers and wipes near the changing areas and straighten up the cluttered areas of the house. Letting everyone be where they needed to be or wanted to be.
I grab a pudding cup from the fridge and bring it into the room. "Hey." I give Sarina a kiss on the forehead, "Brought you something sweet, thought you might like to have a little bit?" I open the pudding cup and offer it to him.
He shakes his head, "I'm sorry, Brian. I can't, it hurts too much to eat the dairy stuff."
"Would you like to finish your applesauce then?" Sarina offers, picking his half eaten cup of applesauce up.
He sighs, "No, I'm not hungry. I'm tired right now. Why don't you sit in here with us for a little bit Brian?"
I nod and sit beside Sarina and we chit chat a bit.
"Sarina, wake up Alyssa. Please. Then you two should go home, you've been here all day. I appreciate you helping them out." David says with a light smile. He lifts an arm up for me to take, and I lean over and hug him. He whispers, "Take care of her and yourself, you hear. Love you brother."
I hug him a little tighter, feeling like he's saying goodbye. "I will, brother." I get out, though my chest felt constricted and my heart clenched saying it.
Sarina gives him a hug too, a long hug, one that seems to last forever but is over too soon. Alyssa thanks us, as she stays in the bed with the twins. We let Amanda know we were leaving and said hello to Dass before heading back to the house.
We got the call, at four thirty four in the morning, that David passed away in the night, with his wife, Alyssa and his babies at his side from Amanda.
Sarina's cry of grief ripped through my soul to hear her in so much pain.
The worst part was, there was nothing I could do to help ease her pain, her loss. I've never felt so helpless or useless. I knew all my training, my medical knowledge in dealing with these events, but none of it did me any good.
All I could do was hold her as we cried together.
It was nearing noon by the time Sarina was able to even get dressed so we could head over to Alyssa's. Amanda pulled us in for a hug as soon as we arrived. Alyssa and the twins were in the bed where he had laid during his final hours, the coroner had already come and gone, taking his body. She looked lost and frozen, not responding much, except for when one of the twins cried or fussed. They could tell something wasn't right.
I picked up Keith, feeling a wet diaper and went to change him.
"No!" Alyssa called out, making me stop and turn around, "I want them to be near his scent, where he was as long as possible." She broke down, "So they don't forget him..." I laid Keith back down as Sarina went and grabbed some diapers and wipes and a changing pad, tears streaming down her own face.
I round the bed and give Alyssa a hug, knowing she needed some kind of comfort. Sarina came back in and changed Keith and Kara before coming over to us and wrapping her arms around the both of us. I pull an arm out of the tangle and wrap it around Sarina too, letting them both cry as long as they wanted to on me.
Amanda came in and turned back around with her face up to the ceiling and her hands balled into fists. In a shaky voice she informs us, "I'm heating up some food for everyone. I don't care if you're not hungry, you need to eat something." Then she walked back out.
"I'll go help her bring the food in here." I tell Sarina and Alyssa, who just end up holding each other. I find Amanda, portioning out food onto plates, wiping tears angrily from her cheeks.
I step closer to her but she backs away. "Please don't hug me. That's not what I need or want right now. Just help me start heating these up."
I take a plate and stick it in the microwave but Amanda tsks, "Not in there, in the oven. Otherwise it doesn't heat up evenly and toughens the meat." She opens the oven that's warm, grabbing one of the other plates and sets it on top of a large tray. "See."
I shrug and put it in the oven as she sets a timer. We finish putting the plates in the oven and Amanda washes her hands. "I'm going out to the stables, I need to feed and take care of them. Yell for me when the timer goes off please." She doesn't look my way before heading outside.
She's trying to remain tough, to be the strong one, but I know she's hurting too. I send a message to Lirael, letting her know David had passed away and asked her to text Dass to possibly try and offer Amanda some comfort. Lirael asked if she should call Sarina and I told her later, that she was with Alyssa right now.
I sat at the kitchen table, looking at the spot where not so long ago, I had helped change out David's oxygen tanks and he had given me the ring for Sarina. How even though we knew at the time, he wasn't going to be with us much longer, we had him longer than the doctors had originally said he'd be here. He thought he never was going to hold his kids, but he did. He married the love of his life, had a family, and even through all the pain he was in, mentally, he was happy. He was grateful for every second he was given. He got to pass in his sleep, next to his children and wife... So many people only pray they are so lucky to be with one person they loved... He was with three.
I put my head in my hands and even though I cry, they're tears of acceptance, because in the end, he was happy and now, he no longer was in pain.
*Beep-Beep*
The timer goes off on the oven and I turn it off and head out back to holler at Amanda to come back in. She comes back in, sweating, dirty, eyes rimmed with wet redness. We pull out the food and grab a folding table to set in the bedroom, to set the food on. We sat around and were quiet for a few minutes until I noticed Alyssa squirming in her seat.
"You okay?" I ask, noticing her getting more animated with her squirm.
"I've got a damn wedgie...." She huffs and then stills. She bursts into tears and stops wiggling around. "Damn you David... you just had to say that shit in our vows..." She mumbles, but continues to take bites of her food, like she's not even tasting it. At least the corners of her lips now have a slight curve going up to them. That's all I need to see to know, as much pain this loss is causing and will continue to, she'll pull herself together and make it through it.
I glance at Sarina, who stares at the twins, tears filling her eyes like those tears could fill the hole she feels inside of her and a flare of concern beats in my heart. She was closer to her brother than she liked to admit. He was her protector and defender growing up and regardless of how much he had messed up as an adult, he still was her brother and that's a void that no one can fill. I know that all too well.
"Sarina, are you going to go in to work tomorrow?" I ask her gently. She shakes her head and so I continue, "Would you like me to stay home with you? I can arrange something with my patients. They will understand."
Sarina starts to nod, but seems to recall something and shakes her head, "Uh no, it's fine. You don't need to do that. You've already changed and cancelled quite a bit on some of them. It might do me some good to have some time alone." She gives me a weak smile and I nod, noticing the fact she was keeping something from me, but left it alone.
"Alright, then. If you need me, you'll call me though right?" I ask to assure myself.
"Of course, baby." She gives me a sad attempt at a smile before taking her plate to the kitchen. The rest of us finish and I offer to take their plates with me, but Amanda takes hers, mumbling something under her breath about finishing up with the horses.
Sarina washes the dishes and I dry them off and put them away. I wrap my arms around Sarina from behind her and take a deep calming breath, inhaling her scent and lay a kiss neck, right behind her hair. Silently, letting her know, I'm here for you, I love you, you are not alone.