Click! Click! Click!. The sound of the timer close to my bed, as I gingerly opened my eyes, facing the window which received no sunlight. The buzzing of the bees outside the window, the crowing of the cock, the cawing of the crows, but yet I lived in absolute silence.
I stood up in despair, ready for another hopeless day. I rolled my eyes as I saw that it was already past seven o'clock, and I'd be late for class as usual. There's nothing worse than fearing to go to sleep, waking up each morning, harbouring the thought that my days were numbered. This heart disease is killing me deep down.
A few minutes later,I walked down the stairs from my room, walking past my mum's room and realising she wasn't there as usual. where she went is what I don't know, and I honestly couldn't care less. I'm ready for another challenging college day. I prepared something to eat and soon was ready by eight o'clock.
"Addie! Addie!...." I suddenly heard my name coming from the attic. it was my mum's voice. she soon approached me to wish me good luck in school. What is wrong with this woman? She keeps on saying things I don't want to hear. When will she ever understand me and tell me nerve-calming words? Well I guess that's not happening anytime soon as I rolled my eyes in disappointment.
"Addie my child, please do not try to kill yourself again. I wouldn't be able to live without you here." She said, in discomfort and I looked into her eyes to see that she was hurting. "You're the only one I have left and I don't want to lose you". "I won't". I replied in a gentle tone and walked away.
How I wish I was like other twenty one year old girls who goes out shopping, get in romantic relationships, and also get all dolled up! But unfortunately, I'm plain old me. Living in discomfort and fear, waiting for death to come knocking at my doorstep. I currently have less than a year to live but what's the point? Why do I even go to school? Why do I do things which are apparently hubris? It's better I just stayed home doing nothing, or find a shortcut to the afterlife. I won't die by a silly disease,... not in a million years.
I arrived at school by 9:55 am, welcomed by so many disturbing pair of eyes. The lecturer couldn't say or punish me because he's well-aware about my current state. As a matter of fact, every living soul knows about my condition, as some pity me, which I hated, while the rest keep their distance. The news about my illness got very viral because of my suicidal streak which still goes on till now. But everytime, I still wake, alive and on the hospital bed. It's like I'm immortal even though I want to die. There's nothing left for me in this world.
Well, it was a very boring lecture so I'd soon fallen asleep. Heads between my folded arms on the desk, I went on a short journey to the dreamworld. A few hours later, I was kinda awake but I didn't want to open my eyes or raise my head. Though I could hear some girls whispering, gossiping and whatever they do, but I didn't really pay attention, knowing very well that it'd hurt me.
"Do you also have a disease? It's very obvious how downright pale you all look. I'd suggest you focus more on your studies, and less on me". I stood up to reply to their side talks, and then swiftly walked out of the classroom as everyone stared with their unsettling eyeballs. The fresh air outside was contaminated with poisonous talks and thoughts. What's people's deal with me? I know I didn't do anything bad or wrong to them. Well either way, I couldn't care less.
Walking, thinking, filled with anger, sadness and despair. What those girls had said earlier started to have an effect on me. The silence as I walked through the halls, the ringing of the bells from the church building alternate to the building where I was, thoughts flowing through my head as my eyes became clouded in tears. It was a very big college but I had soon reached the closer gate in my direction, and then I left the school premises.
Why do I get hurt so much? What did I ever do to deserve this? Why do I even survive? It's better I die! Many questions orbited round my mind. I was soon walking in the middle of the road, unknowingly. I could hear the shouts, the noise, as people tried to tell me something, but I was like the walking dead. My whole body was kinda paralysed, but my legs were moving on their own. What were they trying to tell me? I wonder!
Just then, I encountered a fast-moving truck coming from afar. Do I move away and still live to suffer?...Or do I just leave this world in peace? I said to my mum that I wouldn't die, at least not yet. My legs suddenly stopped moving and I fell to the ground. Coming face to face with the truck, my knees on the ground, and I was hearing some whispers from two ladies saying: She's that suicide girl. We shouldn't even be bothered about her. Let her die!
Won't someone try to save me? Am I really that hated? It's not like I want to be saved but it would mean something if someone or anybody extend a helping hand. I stared blatantly at everyone, watching them staring at me too. This world is too cruel! I can't wait to come in physical contact with that fine-looking fast-moving truck, and kiss my existence goodbye.
Then I felt a huge pain at the back of my neck, and I immediately fell unconscious. By the time I woke, I found myself lying on a bed. I didn't need to be told it was a hospital bed, and I was in a hospital. The choking smell of drugs, the silence which hovered over me, definitely a hospital. Well I'm kinda used to being here since I always end up with a failed suicide attempt. Buy there's nothing I hate more than being in hospitals. That's probably the worst thing a person can do.
I could hear the conversation going on between my mother and a doctor right outside the room where I was detained. The doctor told my mum something about keeping me under secured medical care, which I knew he was talking about a psychiatric hospital, but I didn't expect my mum to take the offer because she knows what I'm capable of. The last time she tried to keep me under medical care, I snuck out through the window by jumping off from where I stood. Thinking it would be a fast way to die, but so unfortunately, I landed on a big pile of dirt at the back of the hospital building, though I was left with some damages, which I hated. It's better to die completely than to suffer painfully and slowly.
Some minutes later, my mum and my best friend, Allison, walked into the room where I resided. "I was the one who brought you here, in case you're wondering". Allie said, as she gave a very disgusted look. "For once in your life, could you ever think of anything or someone? You keep on trying to kill yourself without thinking of how we would feel. How can you be so selfish!!!!. She got even more annoyed as I wasn't replying to anything she was saying. The atmosphere was filled with tremendous amount of anger and fear, as my mum just stood there, crying, and Allie tried to calm her down.
"Mrs Frost,the doctor was right. Let's put her under hospital care. I think it would be best for everyone". Allie was filled with so much anger. I could tell from her tone and her glaze at me.
"What a wonderful suggestion! Very nice to hear,Allie,....but before that,..... could you please show me to the window?".