"I am sad." I shrugged at her and tugged at the bottom of my sleep shirt, enlarging the silkscreen print of Marih's face to comic proportions.
Yes, I have a lot of Marih pop art. What can I say? When I thought I couldn't have it myself, I spent many lonely nights indirectly experiencing many on-screen love affairs.
Marih hands me a hot mug and nods for me to drink before I burst her head with all my hearty chatter. Wolves do not have psychic connections or the ability to speak mind-to-mind. At least not ours. But twins? This is a completely different story.
The swirling hot steam brings the lightly roasted aroma to my nose, inviting me to take a deep breath. For the flavored cream I put in it, I'm not convinced I actually like coffee. I'm probably hooked on the way the scent reminds me of Ray. It's a fact that I can only confess now, for I no longer need a reminder.
My gaze went to the sleeping form of my alpha.
No need for reminders when you have the truth.
And this little awareness makes me smile.
Marih clears her throat and looks at the mug that still hasn't reached my lips.
She complained forever about my head humming, she.
As a kid, she always complained that I was too loud, she. And of course my mom wouldn't take it seriously because I would usually just sit there and play with my Malibu Barbie and think about the amazing life my Barbie could have. All the fun she had with Ken and how annoying her younger sister Skipper must have been, if my sister was any indication.
As I got older, he wouldn't accuse me of thinking out loud as I used to, which I guess meant I learned to reflect my thoughts;
I've always attributed it to the weird twin things.
We had a lot of that.
I would be the booster needle and she would cry.
He would have a fever but I would be tired and lethargic.
I knew when he was having bad dreams and vice versa.
But with time, age, and space, such things don't happen much anymore.
Except for the buzzing bees in the morning apparently.
He pressed the mug to my lips and nodded for me to drink again. And I think as loud as I can, It's hot! If you want to distract my thoughts, burn your mouth.
"I heard that," he whispered with a grimace. Then the old sign enters our language, he brings his hand to his lips with his finger and thumb interlocked.
I nodded and pointed to the refrigerator, surprised that we both still remember the gesture.
We were just toddlers when we used that made-up sign language.
But it's pretty handy when trying not to wake up a wolf pack in a nine hundred square foot cottage.
She rummages through the fridge, pulls out all the ingredients for a big breakfast, and I drop onto a stool on the island, glad I didn't have to make my own, and finally take a sip of coffee.
*
My mom always said that ignoring problems made them worse.
But that doesn't mean I won't ignore Danica's situation. It's an achievement that makes it so much easier when you're on another mountain range.
For the next few weeks, I kept myself busy without thinking of Danica, showing Marih how to convey her intentions to herbs and tinctures.
He is not the best student.
"Dude, if real recipes don't matter, why are you making me memorize different herb combinations?" Marih sighs for the tenth time.
And I repeat myself, but this time I admit that my patience has run out. For consistency, Marih. Feel free to choose the herbs you want to make your own blends. But changing the recipe each time just gets harder for you."
"I don't understand why. If it's just about intention, why should real herbs matter? What's the point of memorizing them?"
I sighed, trying not to be distracted by my voice. "Because dear stubborn sister, the more you change things, the easier your intentions will be broken. Let's say you're in a life-or-death situation and you need to make a tincture right away. Your adrenaline addicted brain could possibly make a mistake. Your focus will likely be divided into a thousand directions, and your intent may be affected. But if you look at a herb mix and your brain naturally thinks of the corresponding intent, you're actually automating the work and removing human error from the equation."
Marih folds her arms and looks at the pile of wormwood, foxglove, and rooster comb. "I guess that makes sense. But I didn't think I would recite it."
I pressed my lips together and held the words I wanted to say. "It's not that bad. There are only a few combinations of herbs you'll need on a regular basis. You can make up for the rest on your own. But it's important to relieve pain, pop a sleeping tincture and an odor neutralizer.
"Like this."
I meet Marih's gaze on the island. Everything about body language screams confrontational. From her chin to her hand on her hip.
"Say what?"
She purses her lips. "Every time you bite your tongueI can understand. Your voice does that awful scratchy thing to more than make up for your holding back. Better to just let him out and finish with him.
A loud teasing sound came out of my mouth, scratching my throat. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"Oh. That's right. You can't lie to your twin, stupid. Now tell me what's on your mind and we'll continue."
I took a deep breath, exhaled slowly, and pushed the pile of herbs towards Marih, completely ignoring her. "Anyway, I like to use mnemonics with the first letter of each herb or plant. But whatever memory device you prefer."
Even as I say this, Marih's harsh gaze makes me ache.
"What is it? Are you angry that your men are getting along better? Are they still not fighting for you?
"What?! The trick! I'm glad Ray and Jon are getting closer because they hate Danica."
"Mhmm. Aren't you losing attention?"
"No, Çiğdem. I don't miss Ray and Jon kicking each other out in my cabin," I said with added suspicion.
He's right though.
If you tell him, I will deny it.
But Ray I miss the male bravado and poise. Only a little.
That's not what I'm pissed at, so technically it's not a lie.
"Danica, does being away wear you out?" he asked, looking me up and down. "You look a little thinner and your eyes are too puffy."
Another slow breath. He really knows how to get on my nerves. True, I didn't sleep that well, but Marih already knows that. Her pointing at my exhausted appearance was an attempt to press on my veins enough to make me tell her what I was really sorry about.
I know him as well as I know myself, and we've been playing this game for a long time.
No, Mari. You know I have weird dreams about him most nights. You also know that my appetite is weird because I can't sleep well because of those dreams. So stop pointing out the obvious. Now, what are these herbs used for?" I glared at him, then took a meaningful look at the bundle, and I hope he'll let it go.
But she doesn't do she.
Because he is Marih.
My sister folds her arms. "No. Not until you tell me what the problem is, Willah. You keep sighing and sighing and it pisses me off. Come out of your chest."
I don't answer and Marih is doing what she does best. She hits the biggest nerve she can find.
Node thing? Because now that he didn't have the healer's cloak anymore, that should have taken care of itself."
My hands are fisted at my sides.
"It's none of your business, but I've been so tired lately that sex is the furthest thing from my mind."
In fact, I haven't slept with either Ray or Jon since Danica came to my cabin