"Alvaro? Alvaro, it's just amazing how fast you are recovering." I open my eyes to find the good doctor looking over me. "How are you feeling though?" She asks while furrowing her brows with her makeshift concern. It was a genuine concern?
I look over my bruises and they seem to be looking better. "I still feel a lot of aches and pains as I try to move my body into a more comfortable position." My voice still remains hoarse after the incident. I try to stand.
"I don't think that is such a good idea yet." Dr. Sepúlveda tries to stop me.
"Please, Dr. Sepúlveda." I beg. I am not that much different from a child. "I need to start moving. Or else I won't be able to help pay for my home or raise my daughter." Every syllable is stressed with a groan on my part. I try to step onto the floor and immediately my leg gives out.
"Agh!" I stumble onto the floor and land on my bad shoulder.
"Oh my! Alvaro!" Elena chooses to run in with Milagros at this embarrassing time. "Let us help you up. Stop moving so much." Their voices combine. The pain keeps me from distinguishing one voice from the other.
"I…I'm in pain. I can't help it. Please don't. I want to try to do it on my…". My stubbornness gets the better of me and instead, I lose my grip on the bed. The floor comes rushing to my face but it doesn't make an impact.
"I'm here for you. Do not worry." I hear Huehue's voice in my ear as I'm being eased back onto the bed. I look into her eyes and immediately notice something odd about her. She uses her hands to guide me and herself back onto the bed.
"Your eyes…?" I can't stop uttering the thought from my lips.
Dr. Sepúlveda whispers to me, "Yes, she is blind, Alvaro. Please don't make it more than it seems…"
"It is ok, Dr. Sepúlveda. I can hear you." I look at the two very large ears on her HueHue's head. "I am not offended." As if it responds to my glance, she places a hand on an ear and hugs it to her face.
"I apologize, Huehue. Not only are you strong, but you can do so much without the aid of your vision."
"I used to be able to see, Doctor. But one day, my eyesight was taken from me." I sense a deep sadness emanating from her. It could be my imagination.
"Taken?" Still, I can't stop myself from poking at an uncomfortable subject.
"Yes, but it's one of the consequences I have to face for my past decisions."
Elena jumps between Huehue and me. "You really need to rest." I can see Elena shooing Huehue away as she barges between us as we talk.
Huehue steps back and guided by Milagros' heads towards the doorway.
"I…need to see…what I look like. Please." I reach out in hopes that someone understands my sudden concern.
"Now is not the time to worry about your looks." Dr. Sepúlveda attempts her best scowl. "You are still healing. Give yourself some time." I know that she really is trying to hide something from me.
"Is it, that bad, Dr. Sepúlveda? Elena? Milagros?" All the special women in my life remain tight-lipped and look elsewhere around the room. Milagros looks down at the ground near her own two feet. "What has happened to me?" I realize that after the bad spill off of the bed, my body seems to be in worse condition than ever before.
"It looks like the cuts and stabs you took to your legs and shoulder have rendered them…". Dr. Sepúlveda attempts her best explanation.
"Useless?!" I cut her off.
"No. It's just going to take some time to recover. Your body will heal. In time." Her pauses make me question the situation more.
"Oh no. But how will I…Elena, I am so sorry. I didn't mean this to happen."
"No Papi!" Milagros runs back to me with tears in her eyes. "I did this to you. I left the home.
I thought I was such a big girl. I didn't keep my mouth closed when I should have. All I wanted was to get you something special." She holds a pencil case tightly in her little hand. "Something that you can keep your pencils and tools so they don't all fall to the floor at night and go missing. I should have stayed with you. All I did was get into trouble." She stops. She looks up at me with tears flowing down her face. "And you came to rescue me."
"Milagros. I do anything for you. This is just one of those things I'll have to deal with. So don't blame yourself." Being her father can be tough at times. I am only human and her ordeal softens my already mushy heart.
"But you almost died. And now…and now…". She tucks her head into my chest as I wrap my arms around her. She sobs and sobs…and sobs.
"Little Milagros. Your father's love saved you. And your love saved him. Without it, I would not be able to come to you when you needed help most." Huehue carefully lowers herself to her knees to meet Milagros at the same eye level. Huehue takes Milagros by the hand. "Come with me, pequeña. Let us talk for a bit." Milagros kisses me on the cheek and walks back out with her new friend.
"I'm kind of jealous but relieved that Huehue can help her out." Elena blurts out.
"Elena, can you bring in the meal and medication for Alvaro?" Dr. Sepúlveda points to the location of the items.
"Yes, Doctora."
"For now, you will need a little more rest. If you keep getting yourself riled up like that, you will do no one any good. And besides, it's best you stay indoors for a while."
"Why, Doc? What's going on?" She catches me off guard.
"The Commandante's men are looking for you. I've heard from the people in the town, other patients of mine. And the people are worried at more people being hurt or killed."
"So you're saying that I should stay here? I should hide?" I can't help sounding annoyed and a bit heated.
"Yes."
I look her straight in the eye. "Milagros?"
"It won't take much to make her look a bit different and she'll be walking around with Huehue…"
"Instead of me." I interrupt. "Next thing you'll be having her tell people I'm dead.
Or worse: that she's her mother." I laugh nervously.
"Um, about that…," the Doctor pauses.
"Chingado…! You really mean to tell me to be dead." I am flabbergasted at the poor choice of words about to come out of my mouth."
"At least while you get better."
"What about after?"
Dr. Sepúlveda looks away as I ask.
"I guess that answers my question. I won't be leaving this room. Ever." I am defeated.
"It's not forever. Just while you learn to walk again."
"To walk again? You mean all this time you realized that my injuries were that extensive, that bad?" I confront the good doctor despite what she has done for me thus far. I can be rather ungrateful when I want to be.
"I only surmised. But now…"
"Now? Now you see how I move. Is that it? I'm an experiment?" I feel that I am not getting across clearly. Voice gets louder and strain makes it hoarser.
Exasperated, the good doctor responds back, "No, Alvaro. I'm sure things will get better. Just be patient."
I try to stand again. I reach out to the table next to me and finally notice. All this time I was groggy. My brain encased in a fog prevented me from seeing fully. But I finally see what happened. My right hand is missing. It's MISSING! I look at the stump of my limb.
"It's going to be all right, Alvaro."
"How, Doctor…how did I not notice…?"
"It's called phantom limb syndrome. It feels like your limb is still there, but it's not. I'm sorry. It was severely damaged and there was no way that I could save it."
"What?!!!" I know I must sound crazy but I don't care. I'm coming apart at the seams and have nothing to show for it. "How could you not save it? I already have an eye missing. Did something also happen to my face?" I reach out with my right hand for the mirror next to the bed. Tears form at the edge of my eye as I struggle with the missing limb and use my left hand instead.
"No! Alvaro, you mustn't!" Dr. Sepúlveda loses her composure as she reaches toward me.
"What's going on? Oh no! Alvaro!" Elena runs into the room yelling at me just as the good doctor tries to stop me from looking in the mirror.
"No. No. No. Please! Please don't let this be…true? I can't be like this. I just can't! What happened to me…what the hell happened to me? Please, someone, tell me. Why? Why!" I break the mirror against the floor in disgust. And I cry and scream in anger. I can't even grab my hair or head with both my hands.
"Why must life be so hard? I lose at everything. I can't do this anymore. I don't want to be here anymore…". I try to stop myself but the pain and anguish at looking at my disfigured face are just too much. I hear the women in my life beg me to stop. "Get out! All you! Just get out! Please! Just get out!" I throw everything within reach at them to get them to leave. "Leave me!" I crash to the floor and still I pull myself up to close the door. I don't even have the strength to slam it shut. Or the hand to do it.
I hear the sobs of the women through the walls but I don't care. I just don't care anymore. I don't care about anything. I should have been left to die. I'm no good to anyone anymore.
"Papi?"I hear the squeak of my little girl's voice outside the door. I just sob and sob as my body collapses down on the floor from pure exhaustion and frustration. I don't even have the strength or ability to throw a proper tantrum. Out of the corner of my eye, I see the pencil case Milagros bought for me laying on the floor. I look at my missing hand and cry out in anguish.
"Why God? Why must I have been born to struggle this way? What use do I have now? My body doesn't function. My face is beyond recognition. My wife was taken from me. I almost lost my daughter, twice. I can't even paint or draw anymore. I'm poor and crippled. What did I do to deserve this? What did I do?"
….