Sleep brings no dreams. It is dark. Emotionless. Cold. It is not until I feel the sudden warmth of a tender hand on my scarred skin that I drift out of lucid dreaming. As if the sun is directly shining on my face. The soft warm hand caresses my cheek and strokes what is left of my hair. It feels good. I haven't felt so relaxed or at peace in the longest of times.
Probably since before Milagros was born? I take that back. I felt at peace whenever I held her when she was an infant. But good emotions do not last long. The memories of my circumstances return to me like a brick hitting the dirt road.
I open my eye and see the faint silhouette of a coyote standing over me. I shut my eye and reopen it. I see Huehue's beautiful face over mine. The fragrance of desert wild flowers comes from her thick mane of hair. Her eyes glow, hit by the faint sunlight entering through my window. She hums and strokes my head. Through her mane, I can see what look like ears…doglike ears? Definitely not a feline's ears. The fur of her tail tickles my nose as she flicks it gently back and forth across my face. She brings her face closer to mine. She sniffs me with her nose. Her whiskers tickle my nose.
"I know you are awake." She whispers into my ear.
"I wasn't trying to…wait, how did you know."
"I don't need my eyes to see you asleep or awake. I can hear your breathing pattern change, plus the beating of your heart is different too." Huehue is open, honest, and amazing.
"How so?" I know not to question but I can't help and wonder.
"It's a bit rapid suddenly."
My face grows warm. "I'm sorry. I couldn't help it. I saw something that I liked…I mean…" I stop myself. She tilts her head to the side. Then to the other before pulling it back away from my own.
"Liked?" She semi-smiles and frowns at the same time.
"Never mind. Think nothing of it." I don't like where my emotions are taking me. So I put a stop to them.
"How did you sleep, Alvaro?"
"I don't know how to answer that. Wait. Don't tell me you were here all night?"
"Milagros was worried sick and so were the women. They thought you would do something brash. So I convinced them that all would be well if they'd leave me alone with you. I found you, here on the floor."
I must have fallen asleep. That's all."
"Yes. Your body is exhausted from the pain and anguish. I just laid next to you to give you comfort. At first, you were convulsing but once I laid your head on me, you seemed to finally relax."
"Did you sit this way the whole night?" I begin to feel guilty but embarrassed too.
"No. I laid next to you at first."
I begin to stammer, "I…I…"
"And then I covered you with my tail."
I look at the fluffy appendage.
"Only when it was morning did I lay your head on my lap. I wanted to make sure you awoke feeling rested and relaxed.
I look back at her face. "That is awfully considerate of you," I admit.
"You don't seem at all surprised."
"About?" My cheeks continue to heat up. What was she asking about?
"About my tail."
I have to stop this before it gets more embarrassing for both of us. "I…think it's time I get up."
"Papi?" I hear the meek little voice outside my door.
"You can let her in, Huehue." I feel I'm crossing the line telling Huehue what to do.
"I don't think that's a good idea."
"How so?" Being perplexed has become my standard mode of looking at the world as of late.
"She needs you to open it."
"Huehue, my body. It's not working as it should."
"That is no reason to give up on yourself or her. She needs you as much as you need her. It would be better if she saw you open the door. It would give her resolve and a chance to perk her head up. Her heart is wary of the guilt she has of hurting you. And besides, she needs to know that you will be there for her. If I open the door she will not get that message.
I stop struggling. "You think I should carry on?"
"All the important parts you need are still intact."
"If you could only look at me. You'd be repulsed at the crippled state I am in." The darkness wraps itself around me once more.
"Ay!" Huehue hollers as her tail whips across my face.
"I can't see. But I can smell and hear. Your body is still strong but it's your spirit that is wavering. Change your outlook. Carry on. If you don't, she will be lost just like you."
And then I think. If I, go away, what will happen to my little girl? Would she follow a destructive path as well?
"She needs to learn many things before you can decide to leave her."
"I understand."
"You need to relearn to walk, to feel joy, and have hope. Even to paint."
"I cannot. My hand is gone." I glance at the stump that remains as my appendage.
"You still have another hand and you can learn to paint again."
"That would be too sad."
"Ay Yai Yai!" Huehue hollers again. She grabs my face tightly in her hands and holds it up to her face. Her soft hair brushes against my skin and her perfume fill my nostrils with her sweet scent.
"The sad thing is that for me I can never see your work. And from what the ladies say, you are indeed a master. I even heard about your love for {ahem} coyotes."
I look inter her eyes and for some deep reason wish she could look back into mine.
"But I can feel their texture," she continues. "I know the energy with which you paint. And other than Milagros, it's the most important thing in your life."
"But it's gone now."
"I have experienced many things in my life. Obstacles come and go. When people fail they either give up or continue growing. Your life is full of hardships. You have more than others. Unfortunately, I cannot see the full path that is laid before you but I can help you along…if you are willing." Her tail gently whips back and forth.
"She needs to see that if I don't give up neither does she?"
"Sometimes…some people are left to live by example so that others may follow. Sometimes people live by the examples left by others. And sometimes, some people are able to choose the path from the choices left before them."
"I can't do this alone."
"At least you admit this."
"Can you help me?"
"Yes." Huehue winks despite her lack of sight.
"How can I ever repay you?"
She brings her face closer than ever to mine. Her lips almost brush against mine. My heart begins to beat so quickly that I fear it may burst in my chest.
"Two things: Allow me to go with you on your journey…for as long as possible of course."
"And…and the other?"
She whispers in my ear, "Use this…"
I look down at my chest. She handed me a black mirror. I look up at her with an incredulous look, no doubt. She winks for the second time today.
….