Slipping from Serenity Hall with Mother Ai, I walked slowly beside her as she hummed softly to herself, her eyes flickering around the decorated walls as we made our way further away from the hall.
Mother Ai's side profile was gorgeous, and I felt a welling of envy slip into my heart.
Why couldn't I have inherited her beauty, her grace?
If I had those, could I have managed to make Gao Chen look at me?
To have fallen in love with her normally, and not by my twisted heart after being raped?
Was that a possibility that could have happened?
Letting out a low sigh, I continued walking beside the tall rabbit eared Mother Ai, her silvery hair flowing down her shoulders like a waterfall.
When we had walked for a minute or so, Mother Ai finally stopped and gestured towards a painting on the wall.
"Yi'er, look here~!"
Stopping, I glanced at Mother Ai before turning towards the paining, tilting my head slightly as I stared at it.
It was a painting of our family; standing in the center was Mom, whilst Mother stood to her side, holding my younger sister Li Fen when she was a baby.
Standing on the other side of Mom was a teenage Li Hui Ling, a wide, joyful smile on her lips as she wrapped her arms around Mom's arm, her face pressed to Mom's bicep.
And finally, standing just a step away from the entire family was a younger me, my face dull and still as I stared towards the viewer with an expressionless gaze.
"This painting of our family... it was just after you stopped smiling like you used to."
Mother Ai's voice was no longer jovial; instead, it was melancholic.
"It... even with centuries of life as experience, your Mom and I were never ones to know how to treat children properly. It wasn't something that we were trained in, something we had thought we needed to know. Especially when Li Hui Ling came out and just... grasped everything; be it Cultivation, training, learning..."
Sighing, the rabbit woman glanced at me as she gave me a wry smile, her eyes downcast as she continued on.
"But... we didn't know what to do when you came along. It... sounds callous, but with such a talented first child, knowing what to do with you was almost impossible. We could leave Li Hui Ling alone as we pleased because... well, she was capable of being left alone. So we treated you the same as we did her.
When I gave birth to your younger sister, and we learned that she was just like your elder sister, we grew even more confused on what to do. Both of us are Cultivators first and foremost; it's just ingrained in our beings at this point, so when you showed no interest in Cultivation, we didn't know what to do.
Li Fen and Li Hui Ling were training, Cultivating, studying, learning... you were reading, drawing, playing around. We had two young Cultivators and a child, and you just... you were just a kid, a little girl craving attention. Attention your Mom and I tried to give to you, but we didn't know how.
We lived in a world where we needed to do everything perfectly, or not do it at all... and we didn't know how to give you the attention you craved. Was our presence fine enough? Guiding you on what we did know?
This is why I ask if you are ready, Li Yichen. Are you capable of doing what... doing what your Mom and I weren't? Are you able to love and care for your child with every fiber of your being?"
Having listened to her story while staring at my younger self, I sighed as I chuckled softly, whispering "It wasn't a difficult thing I was asking for, you know? I loved reading books, about any and everything at all. Why? Because the one reading with me was Mom. That was why. I wasn't really interested in Herbology. She just would tell me the use of each herb as we read through the book.
Or when I wanted to run around the Serenity Hall, having you chase me? I enjoyed that because you were smiling alongside me as we ran around, before we both laid on the lush grass and had tea or ate small snacks.
That was it, Mother. I didn't need something special, didn't need perfection. I just needed the attention itself. And because of that, I know that I should pay attention to whatever my child shows interest in and try and learn what I can about their interests, to stand beside them and spend time with them, to make sure they are never alone like I was..."
Mother stared at me in shock as I whispered that, her eyes wide as she eventually bit her lip, a modicum of hurt appearing in her flawless eyes.
"I..."
Gulping, she shook her head before looking away, letting out a sigh.
Glancing at her, I remained quiet as well, matching her pace as she began to walk again.
"Let's... How has everything been, over at the Shimmering Palace? I always meant to talk to you, but your Mom was... demanding in more ways then one..."
I raised a brow at that, knowing what she meant.
"Gathering three new concubines, satisfying her, and taking care of the Sect right?"
Hearing my mirth filled whisper, Mother chuckled as she scratched her cheek, nodding.
"Yes... she is demanding, and she is also now looking to strengthen the Li Family even more; her reasoning had been that she couldn't see any of you three having children soon, so she wanted more... and I can't risk another child just yet, so..."
Trailing off, she sighed again before returning to me, her smile tight as she muttered "I... don't like that she searched else where, but I can understand the reasoning behind it."
"Need to talk about it?"
Still looking forwards, I decided to, for the moment, move past her negligent attitude towards me and listen to her woes, which she readily spilled to me.