It all began in April, when the late-blooming sakura
were still in bloom.
Medical science was advancing towards an unknown
frontier. But I didn't know any details about it, and I wasn't
interested in finding out more either.
All I could say was that at the very least, to medical
science, it was progress to give an everyday life to a girl
trapped in abnormality - a terminal condition that interfered
with her life and would end it within a year. Which is to say,
humans had gained the ability to extend their human
lifespans.
I thought that it was machine-like to be able to move
despite suffering from such an illness, but something like my own impressions didn't matter to someone who was actually
afflicted with the sickness.
Regardless of my unnecessary thoughts, she had been
once more fully enjoying the benefits of medical science.
That was why it couldn't be blamed on anything else
but her bad luck and the sudden turn of events that caused
me, who should have only been a classmate, to find out
about her illness.
That day, I had taken a break from school. It was
because of my appendectomy - not the surgery itself, but the
removal of the stitches. My frequent visits to the hospital for
follow-up treatment were coming to an end. I was supposed
to have shown up late to school, but long waiting times at the
large hospital had sapped me of any remaining enthusiasm
for learning, and I remained loitering in the hospital's lobby.
It was a trivial feeling. In the corner of the lobby, sitting
on a lonely sofa, was a book that had been left behind. I
wondered by whom it had been abandoned, as well as of its
contents. My curiosity sparked by a love of books took
control, and I began to walk over.
Navigating through the spaces between patients, I
arrived at the other end of the lobby and sat myself down on
the sofa. Judging by its appearance, the book was an
approximately 300-page thick paperback. Its secrets were
guarded closely by a dust jacket from the bookshop near the
hospital.
When I removed the dust jacket to check the title, I
was met with a little surprise. Beneath it was not the original
cover that should have been wrapped around the book inscribed upon it instead were the words 'Disease
Coexistence Journal' handwritten with a thick magic marker.
Of course, I'd never heard of the title or the publisher.
I wondered just what it could be, but since I couldn't
think of a suitable answer no matter how much I thought
about it, I flipped to the first page.
The words I saw on the very first page were not printed
in a typeface that I was accustomed to. They had instead
been carefully handwritten with a ballpoint pen - which
meant that this article had been written by a person.
"23rd November 20XX
My everyday thoughts and activities in Japan - I plan on
writing them down in this disease coexistence journal. No
one other than my family knows about it, but I am going to
die in a few years. Having accepted this fact, I am writing for
the sake of living with my illness. To start things off,
pancreatic diseases like what I've been diagnosed with a little
earlier are the kings of sudden deaths. Even today, my
symptoms have been mostly unnoticeable..."
"Pancreas... Die..."
Without thinking, words that weren't uttered on a daily
basis spilt out of my mouth.
I see, evidently, it seemed like this belonged to
someone whose lifespan had been determined - a disease
confrontation diary, no, a disease coexistence diary. It wasn't
really something that I should have looked at.
Having come to that realisation, I closed the book. Still seated down, I heard a voice from above my head.
"Erm..."
I lifted my head in response to the voice, my shock not
showing on my face. To my surprise, I recognised the face
of the voice's owner. I kept my emotions hidden, assuming
that she had approached me for something unrelated to the
book.
With that said, even someone like me may have been
in denial of the possibility that my classmate was shouldering
the fate of having her life cut short.
Having been approached by a classmate, I put on an
attentive look, quietly anticipating her reply. She extended
an arm to me, looking as though she were snickering at my
response.
"That belongs to me. Plain-Looking-Classmate-kun,
why did you come to the hospital?"
Incidentally, I didn't know anything about my classmate
except that she possessed a bright perkiness that was the
antithesis to my usual silence. Which was why I was taken
aback that she could flash a brave smile in this situation,
wherein a mere acquaintance like me had found out that she
was suffering from a major illness.
Even so, I decided that I would pretend I didn't know
about anything to the best of my ability. I believed that for
both her and me, that would have been the best choice.
"I had an appendectomy a while back, but I still have to
go for treatment."
"Ah, I see. I had a check-up for my pancreas.
Otherwise I'll die." Why would she say something like that? In no time at
all, without noticing, she had crushed my consideration into
pieces.
I observed her expressions, trying to no avail to read
her true intentions. Her smile deepened as she sat down
beside me.
"Are you surprised? You read it, didn't you? The
'Disease Coexistence Journal'."
Seemingly unbothered, the girl talked as though she
were recommending a novel to me. Which was why I even
thought that she had been playing a prank and it just so
happened that I, an acquaintance, had fallen for it.
See, I've exposed the bluff.
"I was surprised. I thought that I'd lost it, so I came
here searching for it in a huge panic, but it turns out that it
was just with Plain-Looking-Classmate-kun."
"...What does it mean? This."
"What does this mean? That's my 'Disease
Coexistence Journal'. Haven't you read it? It's like a diary
that I've been writing since I found out about my pancreatic
disease."
"...You're joking, right?"
Even though she was inside a hospital, without any
hesitation, she roared with laughter.
"Just how tasteless of a person do you think I am? I
wouldn't make that kind of dark joke, you know? Everything
that's written down is true - I can't use my pancreas and I'm
going to die soon, yup."
"...Ah, I see."
"Eh! That's all? Don't you have anything else to say?"
Her voice trembled with shock.
"...No, but what should I say after being told that my
classmate is going to die soon?"
"Hmm, if it were me, I guess I'd be at a loss for words."
"Exactly. And if I didn't go silent, I'd want to assess the
situation."
She started to giggle as she said, "I guess that's true." I
didn't know what she found so amusing.
Immediately after that, she took the book, got up,
waved her hand at me and headed deeper into the hospital.
"No one else knows about this, so don't tell the class okay?"
She said as she left. Thinking that I surely wouldn't be
having any more exchanges with her after this, I felt a little
relieved.
Contrary to my expectations however, she called out to
me on the very next morning, just as we passed each other
by in the school corridor. Incidentally, the distribution of
duties was decided freely by each class, and as a result, I was
the only one to put my name up for the vacancy in the
library committee. Though I didn't understand the motives
behind her actions, as someone who tended to get lost in the
flow of things, I continued to quietly think about the work
that would be assigned to the new library committee
members.
Come to think of it, it was all because of that one
paperback that I was now standing in front of the station at
11 AM on a Sunday - you really don't know how things will play out in this world.
Just like a reed boat that could not go against strong
currents, I was unable to reject her invitation, or to be exact,
I was unable to find the right timing to reject her - and as
such, I now stood at our meeting point.
I would've been glad to renege on our agreement, but I
spotted her in the distance, looking a little troubled, like she
was going to ask for help or directions if anyone showed her
weakness. Unlike me however, she would carve out her own
path to break the ice - it would be no exaggeration to call her
a reed boat that went against the flow.
I had arrived in front of the monument that marked
our meeting point five minutes before the agreed time, and
was waiting in a daze when she appeared right on time.
It was the first time since our chance meeting at the
hospital that I saw her wearing casual clothes - simple items
like a T-shirt and a pair of jeans.
She walked over with a smile and in response, I lightly
raised my hand.
"Good morning! I was thinking about what to do if you
went back on our promise!"
"I'd be lying if I said that was impossible."
"But wasn't the end result ol' right?"
"I get the feeling that your word usage is a little off.
With that said, what are we doing today?"
"Oh, well aren't you getting fired up."
She stared at me with a strong gaze before breaking into
a smile, looking as if she had always been smiling.
Incidentally, I wasn't the least bit fired up. "For now, let's just go to the city."
"But I don't really like crowds."
"Secret-Knowing-Classmate-kun, did you bring the train
fare? Could you take it out?"
"I brought it."
In the end, I simply gave in, and we headed to the city
just as she had proposed. Just as I had feared, the huge
station where various shops were clustered was fraught with
thronging, cacophonous crowds. The mere sight made me
shudder with apprehension.
As for the girl beside me, she didn't look the least bit
daunted by the large crowd. Was this person really going to
die soon? Although such doubts did arise, since she had
already shown me various official documents, there was no
room for suspicion.
After passing through the ticket gate, she continued
onwards, cutting a path through the unremitting waves of
people. Somehow managing to keep her within my sights,
we made our way to the underground passageway where the
crowd dispersed a little. Only then did she finally disclose to
me our objective for the day.
"First off is yakiniku!"
"Yakiniku? But it's still morning you know?"
"Will the taste of the meat be any different in the
afternoon and at night?"
"It's unfortunate, but rather than there being a
difference, I just don't crave for meat all day."
"Then there's no problem. I want to have some
yakiniku." "But I just had my breakfast at 10 AM."
"It's fine, since people that hate yakiniku don't exist."
"Are you even paying attention to our conversation?"
It didn't seem like it.
My protests fell on deaf ears and the next thing I knew,
I was seated opposite her in front of a genuine charcoal
stove. I really did follow her like a reed boat. The dim store
wasn't really crowded, and the individual lights shining on
each table made it unnecessarily easy to see each other's
faces.
In no time at all, a young waiter had kneeled down at
the side of the table and started to take our order. While I
was taken aback, as if it was proof of her mastery of
mathematics, she smoothly responded to the waiter.
"This most expensive one."
"Wait a minute, I didn't bring that much money."
"It's fine, since I'm paying. Two of the most expensive
all-you-can-eat courses, please. As for the drinks, you're fine
with oolong tea, right?"
I went along with the momentum and nodded while
she continued on like she was at home; the young waiter
quickly repeated the order and left.
"Waaah, I can't wait!"
"...Erm, I'll make sure to pay you back for today."
"I told you it's fine, don't mind it. I'm paying. Up until
before, I was working too, so I have money saved up and it
wouldn't do to not use it."
Before she died - though she didn't say it, she must
have meant something like that. "That's even worse. You should spend it on something
with more meaning."
"But there's meaning in this - it wouldn't be fun to eat
yakiniku alone, right? I'm just spending money for my own
enjoyment."
"But you see-"
"Sorry for the wait. Here are the drinks."
While I was starting my next retort, with exquisite
timing, the waiter appeared carrying two glasses of oolong
tea on a tray. It felt like she had summoned the waiter to end
our talk about money. She giggled as a grin spread over her
face.
The assorted meat platter followed the drinks a little
while later. The beautifully arranged meat, frankly speaking,
looked extremely tantalising. It must have been because of
the so-called marbling. The pattern of the fat stood out
vividly, and the meat looked like it would've tasted just as
good raw, though the very thought would probably have
been repulsive to many.
Once the cooking grate mounted on top of the charcoal
stove seemed sufficiently hot, she snatched a slice of meat
between her chopsticks and hastily laid it on the grill. The
strip of meat began to sizzle as it fell on the scorching metal,
giving off the signature, mouth-watering aroma of cooking
meat - my stomach could but begin to growl in response.
Since growing high school students couldn't control their
appetites, I started to cook the meat together with her. On
top of the hot stove, the meat was cooked in no time.
"Thanks for the meal. Mmph!" "Thank you for the meal. Hmm, well, it's pretty tasty
huh."
"What, only that level of excitement? Isn't it super-
duper tasty? Or do you think I'm just more sentimental
because I'm going to die soon?"
No, the meat tasted exceptionally delicious. There was
simply a gap in our tension levels.
"This is great. I wonder if the rich only eat food this
tasty."
"The rich don't come to all-you-can-eat buffets,
probably."
"I see - but it's a waste for such good meat to be
included in buffets."
"Everything is an all-you-can-eat buffet for the rich
though."
Even though our stomachs shouldn't have had that
much space, the two portions of assorted meat quickly
disappeared. She took the menu at the edge of the table and
started scrutinising the add-ons.
"Is anything fine?"
"I'll leave it to you."
I'll leave it to you - I found that such a phrase fit me
rather well.
She wordlessly raised her hand, and having spotted her
signal from somewhere, the waiter promptly arrived at our
table. She casted a reprehensive glance at me for flinching at
the waiter's dedication, and proceeded to make orders from
the menu sheet with unprecedented eloquence.
"Giara, kobukuro, teppou, hachinosu, mino, hatsu, nekutai, korikori, fuwa, senmai, shibire."
"Wait wait wait, what are you ordering?"
It was awkward to stand in the way of the waiter's work,
but she was spewing out words I wasn't used to hearing, so I
had to open my mouth.
"Kobukuro? Huh, they sell that band's CDs?"
"What are you talking about? Ah, for now we'll just
have one serving of each."
The waiter smiled in acknowledgment of her order and
left hurriedly.
"Hachi? Did you just order bees? Insects can be
eaten?"
"Ah, perhaps you don't know? Kobukuro and
hachinosu are the names of specific parts of a cow.
Personally, I really like horumon!"
"You mean innards? Cows have parts with such
interesting names?"
"Don't humans have them too? Like the funny bone."
"I don't where it's located though."
"Incidentally, shibire is the pancreas."
"Could it be that eating innards is a part of your
treatment?"
"I could just keep on eating horumon forever. If
someone asked me what my favourite food was, I'd reply
with horumon. I love innards!"
"How am I supposed to respond to your enthusiasm?"
"I forgot to ask for white rice. You want some?"
"I don't."
After a little while, the many dishes of innards she had ordered arrived, arranged into a single set. The sight was
more grotesque than I had imagined, and as such, I lost
some of my appetite.
She asked for some white rice from the waiter, and
cheerfully started to arrange the horumon on the stove.
Since it couldn't be helped, I assisted her too.
"Hey, this is done cooking!"
Unable to stand by and watch as I didn't do anything
when the appearance of the horumon changed, she grumpily
stepped in and placed the perforated white thing on my
plate. Since it was one of my principles not to play around or
waste food, I cautiously brought it to my mouth.
"Isn't it delicious?"
Truth be told, the texture was good, it was fragrant, and
it tasted better than I had thought it would, but the feeling
that I did something I shouldn't have rose up from my
stomach, and I tilted my head to the side in apprehension.
As always, she flashed a smile for some unknown reason.
I checked if she had any oolong tea left, then asked the
waiter for another cup, as well as a little more of the normal
meat.
I silently consumed the meat, and she, the horumon.
From time to time, I would eat the horumon, and she would
smirk before glaring at me with an annoyed face. In such
instances, she would eat the horumon she had so carefully
cooked with an "aah!" and the dissatisfaction on her face
would clear instantly.
"Y'know, I don't want to be cremated."
While enjoying the yakiniku, she had clearly brought up the wrong topic for this location.
"What was that?"
Since there was the possibility of me mishearing things,
I tried to get a confirmation, and she responded with a
serious face.
"Like I was saying, I don't want to be cremated. I don't
want to get roasted after I die."
"Is that something you should be saying while eating
yakiniku?"
"It would be as if I really disappeared from this world.
Would it be impossible to let others eat me or something?"
"Let's stop talking about the disposal of corpses while
eating meat."
"I'd let you eat my pancreas."
"Are you listening?"
"It seems that some countries have the belief that the
soul of the person that was eaten will continue to live on
inside the one that ate them."
Somehow, or rather, as per usual, she looked like she
hadn't heard me at all. Or maybe she did but was
disregarding me. I got the feeling it was the latter.
"Is it really impossible?"
"...It probably is. In terms of ethics. But in terms of
the law, I haven't looked it up so I don't really know."
"I see, that's too bad. So I can't give you my pancreas,
huh."
"I don't need it."
"You won't eat it?"
"It's precisely because of your pancreas that you're going to die. So that must be where the largest fragment of
your soul is located. And your soul seems noisy."
"That's true."
She roared cheerfully with laughter. She was already
this noisy while living, so there was definitely no way the
pancreas of this girl who had become an expert on the soul
would not be noisy too. I'm sorry, but I'd never eat
something like that.
If we compared, she had eaten much more than I did.
She stuffed herself with meat, rice, and horumon until she
said, "Ugh, it hurts." As for me, I stopped when my stomach
bulged out to the appropriate level, and I was satisfied. Of
course, from the very beginning, I didn't order more than I
could eat, and I didn't commit the folly of burying the table
in side menu items like she did.
After the meal, the waiter took away the many empty
dishes as well as the obsolete charcoal stove, and at last
brought us sherbet as dessert. The girl who had proclaimed
"I'm not feeling well" and "it hurts" returned to life at the
appearance of the frozen treat. She took in a breath of fresh
air, and as though her complaints had all been lies, she
started being noisy again.
"Don't you have any dietary restrictions?"
"Just basic ones. But, even those were a result of ten
years of evolution of the medical science here. Isn't the
power of humans amazing? We may suffer from illnesses,
but they don't threaten our daily activities at all. I guess that
such an evolutionary pathway is directed at finding cures,
huh." "That's true."
I didn't really know much about medical science, but
this was one of the unusual cases where I agreed with her
opinion. I heard from somewhere that in this world, rather
than curing terminal illnesses, treatment is focused on
helping people live with them instead. But no matter how I
thought about it, technology that should continue to advance
is still technology to cure, not a means to get along with
diseases. However, even if we said that, we were aware that
there was no way medical science was progressing on its
own. For it to progress, the only means were to have those
entering medical faculties study especially hard. Of course,
she didn't have the time to wait for that to happen. And as
for me, there was no meaning in doing so.
"What's next?"
"You mean in the future? I haven't got it together."
"I don't mean that. Hey, I've been thinking about it
since before, but don't you think you're putting me in a
tough spot by cracking jokes like that?"
She gave me a blank look, then started to chuckle. She
was a person that had extreme changes in facial expressions.
I didn't think that she, as a living creature, was very similar to
me. But it may have been precisely because we were
different that our destinies were different.
"Nope, I haven't made those jokes in front of anyone
but you either. Wouldn't most just pull back? But you're
amazing. You're speaking normally to a classmate that's
going to die soon. If it were me, it would probably have been
impossible. It's because you're amazing that I can say what I want to say."
"You've overestimated me."
Completely.
"But I don't think so, since Secret-Knowing-Classmate-
kun doesn't make sad faces in front of me. Or is it possible
that you cry for me at home?"
"I don't."
"Then you should!"
There was no way I'd cry. I wouldn't do something
inappropriate like that. I didn't feel sad, and I especially
didn't want to show that emotion in front her. She didn't
show sadness, so it was inappropriate for anyone to do so in
her stead.
"To backtrack on the conversation, what's next?"
"Ah, the topic changed! Were you going to cry? I'm
going to buy a rope next."
"No way I'd cry. A rope?"
"Oh, so you're capable of saying things in a manly
manner, huh. Could you be trying to make my heart beat
faster? Yeah, a rope. For suicide."
"Who would make a move on someone that's going to
die soon? For suicide?"
"I did think that suicide would've been fine too - to kill
myself before the disease does. But I don't think I'll commit
suicide anymore. I'm just buying a rope for the sake of
mischief. Speaking of which, Secret-Knowing-Classmate-kun
is horrible! I may even be driven to suicide by the hurt."
"Mischief? Seems like the talk about whether you're
going to commit suicide or not has become all jumbled up. For now, let's just conclude this conversation."
"That's true - so have you had a girlfriend?"
"I don't want to hear in detail how you were going to
conclude this, so let's just stop talking now."
Since she looked like she was going to say something, I
took the initiative and stood up. I didn't see the order slip
anywhere around the table, so I called the waiter to ask for it
and indicated that we were ready to leave. She said "let's go"
while giggling, and stood up too.
Evidently, she was the type of person that didn't end
any of their conversations with regrets. This was a
convenient characteristic of hers that she had revealed. I
thought that I should keep the initiative from now on.
After exiting the yakiniku store, we held our full bellies
and went outside, where we were struck by sun rays typical
of summer brilliance. I narrowed my eyes on reflex. "What
great weather! Maybe I'll die on a day like this." I had no
idea how to counter what she had muttered, but for now I
decided that ignoring her was the most effective means of
opposing her. Just like how it was no good to look a savage
beast in the eye - it was that kind of feeling.
We started to move towards the large shopping centre
connected to the station after a light discussion - even if we
called it a discussion, as you may have guessed, it was mostly
just her talking. The renowned home centre within the mall
sold a variety of things, including the suicide-enabling rope
which she so desired.
Though the shopping centre that we had reached with
just a short walk was overflowing with people, there wasn't anyone in the rope section of the home centre. Surely the
only people that would pick out a rope on a day with good
weather like this would be traders, cowboys, and dying girls.
The voices of children frolicking about could be heard
from afar as I compared the sizes of nails a short distance
away from her, while she consulted a young sales assistant.
"Excuse me, I'm looking for a rope that can be used for
suicide, but I don't really want any external wounds, so what
type would be the safest for this case?"
I clearly heard the question that had been asked by the
girl who was weird in the head. I turned around to see the
sales assistant's obviously bewildered expression, which
made me laugh just a little. After which, I realised that she
had made another one of her jokes, vexing me. Something
that was safe even though it was for suicide - that was the
joke she'd made. The sales assistant and I were both caught
off guard and bewildered, but I put on a smile. I returned
the nails of varying sizes into their respective containers one
by one, then moved closer to the sales assistant and the girl
who I could tell was laughing just by looking at her back.
"Sorry. She doesn't have much time left to live, so she's
become a little weird in the head."
I didn't know if the sales assistant was convinced by my
lifeboat, or whether he was just weirded out, but he left us
and returned to his own work.
"Argh, just when I was going to have the sales assistant
introduce the products. Don't get in my way. Could it be
that you got jealous of the close relationship between me and
the sales assistant?" "If that could be called a close relationship, then
nobody would think of making tempura out of oranges."
"What do you mean?"
"I said something meaningless so please don't pursue
it."
Even though I had said it because I thought that it
would've annoyed her, in a heartbeat, she started to roar
unnecessarily with laughter like usual.
The girl, whose mood had become unusually good for
some reason, quickly grabbed a rope and bought it together
with a tote bag that had a cute picture of a cat printed on it. I
then left the home centre with her, who was humming and
twirling around the bag in which she kept the rope. Just how
merry was she while leaving the home centre to attract the
attention and misunderstanding of the people around us?
"Secret-Knowing-Classmate-kun, what's next?"
"I'm just following you around, so I don't really have
any objectives in mind."
"Huh, is that so? Is there anywhere you'd like to go?"
"If I had to choose one, I guess it'd be the bookstore."
"Are you going to buy a book?"
"Nope, I like going to bookstores even without a
purpose."
"Ooh, that's just like a proverb from Sweden."
"What do you mean?"
"I said something meaningless so please don't think too
hard about it, hahaha."
It seemed that she really was in a good mood. I simply
got annoyed. While expressing opposite emotions, we headed towards the large bookstore in the same shopping
centre. Once we arrived, I walked towards the new literary
books corner without any regard for her. She didn't follow
me. Having been given time alone for the first time in a
while, I fully enjoyed looking through the paperbacks.
While admiring countless paperback covers and
reading countless prologues, time passed by imperceptibly.
It was a sensation likely familiar to those who loved books,
but it wasn't as though all humans shared the same love for
them. That was why I felt a little guilty when I checked my
watch, and looked around the store for her. She was smiling
as she browsed through a fashion magazine. I thought it was
amazing that she was able to show her happiness even while
browsing. I was unable to do that.
I approached her, but before I could call out to her,
she noticed me and looked my way. I apologised frankly.
"Sorry, I forgot about you."
"How mean! But well, it's fine. Since I was reading a
book the entire time. Secret-Knowing-Classmate-kun, do
you have any interest in fashion?"
"Nope. I guess I don't really care what I wear as long as
it's inconspicuous and plain."
"I thought you'd say that. I'm interested though. Once I
become a university student I'll drown myself in lots of
alcohol - just kidding, since I'll die soon. But for humans,
substance really is more important than appearances huh."
"Seems like you've flawlessly made use of words in the
wrong manner."
I looked around without looking at anything specifically. Since I thought that her remark may have
attracted some attention. But it seemed like there wasn't
anyone around that had the slightest interest in the
outrageous words of a high school girl.
Neither of us bought anything from the bookshop. In
fact, we didn't buy anything after that either. After we left the
bookshop, on her whim, we entered an accessories shop
and a glasses shop that caught her eye, but we left both
shops without purchasing a single thing. In the end, the only
things she had bought were the rope and the tote bag.
Tired of walking, as per her suggestion, we entered a
nation-wide chain café. The store was crowded, but luckily,
we were able to find seats. While she waited, I went to order
for the both of us. She wanted an iced café au lait. I ordered
my own iced coffee with the café au lait at the cash register,
placed them on a tray, and returned to our table. If you were
wondering what she was doing while waiting, she was
scribbling on the 'Disease Coexistence Journal' with a pen.
"Ah, thanks. How much was it?"
"It's fine, you paid for the yakiniku after all."
"I really paid for it because I wanted to, so it's fine. But
I guess I'll let you treat me to this much."
Cheerfully, she placed the straw in the glass and sipped
on the café au lait. Perhaps expressing happiness at every
little thing was actually a bother to her. I bowed myself
before her for always being able to look positive about
something.
"Hehe, do you think we look like a couple to others?"
"Even if we did look like one, that's not how we really are, so it doesn't matter."
"Wah, you're really dry huh."
"If you think about it, any two-person group that
consists of different genders could be a couple, and if it's just
by appearances, no one can tell that you're going to die
soon. What's important is not the views of others, but
substance. Didn't you say that too?"
"As expected of Secret-Knowing-Classmate-kun, huh."
Since she was laughing as she started to drink the café
au lait, the sound of air bubbles escaping from her glass
could be heard.
"So, has Secret-Knowing-Classmate-kun ever had a
girlfriend?"
"Alright, break time's over."
"But you haven't even taken a sip of the iced coffee."
Evidently, the same trick wouldn't work twice. Just as I
was about to stand up, she grabbed hold of my arm. I
wanted her to stop digging her nails into me. Perhaps this
was her revenge for when I cut the topic short at the
yakiniku store. Not wanting to incur her wrath, I quietly
reseated myself.
"So? Have you had one?"
"Who knows."
"Speaking of which, I feel like I don't know a single
thing about you."
"That may be so, huh. I don't really like talking about
myself."
"Why?"
"I don't want to get dizzy and overly self-conscious talking about something that no one is interested in."
"Why did you decide that nobody is interested?"
"It's because I don't have any interest in people.
Everyone's the same - after all, people fundamentally have
no interest in anyone but themselves. Of course, exceptions
exist too. Even I'm a little interested in people like you that
are suffering because of special conditions. That's why I
don't really care to talk about something that no one gains
anything from."
I laid them bare to her – my usual thoughts, which I felt
line up neatly on the desktop as I stared at the grain of the
table. This kind of theory, too, had been collecting dust at
the very depths of my heart. Of course, that was because I
hadn't had a partner to discuss this with.
"I'm interested, you know."
I brushed the dust off my theory, considered the
circumstances and memories it involved, and found myself
unable to understand her words. I finally looked up again,
and was met with a sight that surprised me. Her vivid
expression was conveying a single feeling. Even I, who was
ignorant of others, could tell with just one glance how hard
she was trying to hold back her anger.
"What's wrong?"
"I'm saying that I'm interested in you. I wouldn't ask
someone out to have fun if I wasn't interested in them. So
don't make me look dumb."
Honestly, I didn't really understand what she was
saying. Her reason for taking an interest in me, and her
reason for getting angry - I didn't understand them. And even more than that, I wasn't making her look dumb.
"I do wonder from time to time if you were dumb, but
I'm not making you look dumb, okay."
"It may be just as you said, but I'm hurt!"
"Ahh, I see... Sorry."
Without understanding the meaning behind her words,
I just apologised. This was the single most effective method
to deal with angry people, and I wasn't unwilling to use it.
And sure enough, just like other angry people, her
expression began to soften even while her cheeks were still
puffed out.
"If you answer properly, I'll forgive you."
"...Hearing it won't make you have more fun."
"Just tell me, since I'm interested."
Without me noticing, the edge of her lips had curved
upwards. I didn't feel like opposing her, I didn't have any
way out, and I was a conformist, but I didn't consider myself
pitiable. I was a simply a reed boat.
"I don't think I'll be able to meet your expectations
though."
"It's fine, it's fine - so, your answer?"
"Probably from around elementary school onwards, I
haven't had any memory of having friends."
"...Memory loss?"
"...Maybe you really are dumb."
While I seriously doubted it, since it was possible that
the chances of suffering from an incurable disease at her age
were lower than getting amnesia, there may have been some
justification for her remark. With the intention of retracting my previous statement, I clarified myself to her, whose face
was easy to read.
"It means that I didn't have any friends. That's why,
someone like a girlfriend that you're asking about - of course
I've never had one."
"So you've neeever had any friends? Not just in the
present?"
"Yeah, I don't have any interest in people, so no one
takes an interest in me either. It's a relief not having to lose
anybody."
"But haven't you ever wanted friends?"
"I wonder. It may be fun to have them, but I believe
that the confines of a novel are more enjoyable than the real
world."
"So that's why you're always reading a book."
"Probably. So this concludes our uninteresting talk
about me. I'm just asking out of social etiquette, but what
about you? If you have a boyfriend, rather than spending
time with me, it would be better to spend it with him."
"I had one, but we just broke up recently."
She said that without looking the least bit dejected.
"Because you're going to die soon?"
"Nope. I couldn't possibly tell my boyfriend something
like that. Since I haven't even told my friends."
Then why would she openly tell me back then? I didn't
care to know, and I didn't ask. Like usual.
"He, well, ah, you know him too. Since he's in our
class. Though you probably won't remember him even if I
mentioned his name, wahaha. He's erm, someone that's really great to be friends with, but he's no good to become
lovers with."
"So there are people like that."
Not even having a friend to begin with, I hadn't known
that.
"Yeah, there really are. That's why I broke up with
him. It'd be great if the gods had put tags on everyone from
the very beginning. Something like this person is only for
making friends with, and that person is fine even as a lover."
"I guess that would make things easier for me. But it
seems that for people like you, it's the complexity of human
relationships that makes them interesting."
She roared heartily with laughter at my opinion.
"It's just as you said, huh! Yup, I guess I agree with you,
so, I take back what I said earlier about the tags. Seems like
you really understand me."
"..."
I was going to deny it, but I stopped. I thought that it
may have been true. That was because the reason for it came
to mind. I did understand her.
"...It must be because we're opposites."
"Opposites?"
"You are the opposite of me, so that may be why you
think of the things I don't seem to think about."
"You said something a little profound, huh, is it the
influence of your novels?"
"Probably."
The truth was that there hadn't been any need or plan
for us to get involved with each other - it was as if we stood on opposite ends.
Until a few months ago, the only points of association
between us were the fact that we shared the same class, and
that her noisy laughter would intermittently burst into my
ears. It had really been too noisy, so even though I wasn't
interested in people, her name came to mind immediately
when I saw her at the hospital. The fact that it got stuck
somewhere in my head - that must also have been because
we were opposites.
While sipping her café au lait, she cheerfully
mentioned "it's good!" along with her other various
impressions of the drink. I quietly drank my coffee that
remained black.
"Ah, we really may be opposites huh - when we had
yakiniku earlier, you kept on eating karubi and roosu. Even
though it looked like you were going to start eating the
horumon."
"It tasted better than I expected, but in the end, normal
meat still tastes the best. Doesn't willingly eating the innards
of living things seem like the sort of thing a devil would do?
Putting tonnes of sugar and milk into coffee is something a
devil would do too. Since coffee is already perfect as it is."
"Looks like your preferences in food don't match up
with mine, huh."
"I don't think it's just food though."
We lingered at the café for another hour. The things
we talked about in that time were extremely trivial. Life,
death, illnesses, or our futures - we didn't talk about any of
that. Instead, our chat mainly revolved around her talking about our classmates. I did try to take an interest in them,
but her efforts pretty much ended in failure.
I was interested in our classmates' silly mess-ups and
pure love stories to the same extent that I was not a person
that only knew boring stories. She must have noticed those
feelings of mine because I wasn't a person who was able to
hide their boredom either. Even so, I did take the slightest
of interest in the expressions of that girl talking with all her
might. Though if it were me, I wouldn't have wasted my
time or effort.
It was about time to head home - when that kind of
mood, which I wasn't sure who initiated, started to set in, I
asked her about the thing I'd been interested in.
"Incidentally, what are you going to do with the rope?
You aren't going to commit suicide, right? Though you did
say it was for the sake of mischief."
"I am going to be up to some mischief, but even with
that said, I won't be able to see the outcome, so Secret-
Knowing-Classmate-kun should witness it in my stead. You
see, I'll allude to the rope in the 'Disease Coexistence
Journal', and then the people that find the rope will
misunderstand that I was cornered to the point that I killed
myself. It's that kind of mischief."
"How tasteless."
"It's alright, it's alright - I'll clearly write that it's actually
a lie. It's better to pick them up after they fall, right?"
"I don't think that will make anyone happy, but maybe
it's better than nothing?"
I was dismayed, but I found that her line of thinking which expectedly diverged from my own was amusing. If it
were me, I wouldn't have bothered with something like the
responses of the people around me after I die.
We headed for the station from the café, somehow
managed to board the train despite the huge crowd, and
while still standing, reached our town after a short talk.
Since the both of us had ridden our bikes to the station,
we went to the free bicycle parking lot to retrieve them, and
after walking to somewhere near our school, waved each
other goodbye. She said, "See you tomorrow". Since there
weren't any library committee activities tomorrow, I
probably wouldn't get to speak with her, but I still replied
with a single "yeah".
The road I was using to bike home was the usual road -
I wondered how many more times I would be able to see it.
Huh? That was strange. Up until yesterday, the fear that I
would inevitably die and disappear had been stirring within
my heart, but now it had settled a little. Perhaps, because the
girl I met today looked far from death, my sense of the
reality that I would one day die had dulled.
On this day, I started to doubt just a little that she was
going to die.
I reached home, read a book, ate the dinner my
mother made, bathed, drank barley tea in the kitchen,
greeted my father "welcome home", and while returning to
my room with the thought of reading another book, I
received a message on my cellphone. I basically didn't use
my phone's messaging function, so I thought the new
message notification was strange. I flipped my phone open and learnt that the message was from her. Now that I
thought about it, I remembered that with the library
committee contact network and all, I had exchanged e-mail
addresses with her.
I lay down on my bed and opened her message. Its
contents were as such:
"Thanks for the hard work!! I tried messaging you - did
it reach? Thanks for going out with me today [peace sign] I
had so much fun! [smiley face] I'd be really happy if you'd
go out with me again [smiley face] Until I die, let's continue
to get along! Okay, goodnight! [smiley face] See you
tomorrow!"
The first thing that came to mind was that I had
forgotten about returning her the money for the yakiniku.
Even if it was impossible to do so tomorrow, so that I
wouldn't forget, I recorded it down with my phone's
notebook function. Thinking of replying simply, I reread the
message.
Get along, huh.
Usually, I would've kept on looking at "until I die" - her
signature joke - but I was more interested in the part that
came after.
I see, we were getting along.
I tried thinking through the entirety of today, and I
thought that we probably really did get along.
I was going to message her the entirety of what had
unexpectedly come to mind, but I stopped. I got the feeling
that she would be disappointed if I told her.
I too had a little fun today What had been confined in the depths of my heart, I
sent them to her in a message - the words "see you
tomorrow".
On top of my bed, I flipped open a paperback. The girl
who was on the opposite side - I wondered what she was
doing.