Yesterday night, after I had gone to sleep, a murder
took place in the next prefecture. It seemed like it was a
random attack of some sort - of course, it was all over TV in
the morning.
That was why I thought the case would've been a hot
topic at school as well, even though our examinations were
starting today. But for my class at least, neither the case nor
the tests were the focus of everyone's discussions. To my
annoyance, I found them buzzing about yet another topic
instead.
In other words, they were trying to solve the mystery
behind why she, who was cheerful, energetic, and popular,
and I, the most plain and glum person in class, were out
together on a day off. I thought that if there was an answer,
I'd like to know it too, but since I was minimising contact
with my classmates as usual, I wasn't blessed with the
opportunity to ask.
Something happened after we'd met each other in the
library committee - that was the scenario they seemed to
have settled on for now. I had hoped to be left out of their fantastic denouement, but outspoken girls with the courage
to do unnecessary things went to ask her directly with loud
voices, and in response to that unnecessary action, she
unnecessarily said something unnecessary.
"We get along well."
I recognised that my classmates were all focused on me,
so just in case, I paid more attention than usual to their
conversation - which was also why I heard her endlessly
unnecessary statement. I felt my classmates' stares shifting to
me after her proclamation. Of course, I pretended not to
notice them.
Every time we completed a test, my almost silent
classmates would throw me glances, wordlessly casting me
within the shadows of their doubt and bafflement - but as
always, I just continued to ignore them.
An instance in which I could no longer avoid
involvement came just once, at the end of the third hour -
but even that was quickly resolved.
One of the girls that questioned her earlier with neither
reservation nor consideration trotted over and started talking
to me.
"Hey, hey - Plain-Classmate-kun, do you get along with
Sakura?"
I thought that she must have been a good person for
having asked that. The reason for such was that my other
classmates were all observing us from a distance. Both
before and right now, they must have made use of her easy-
going personality, and sent her to the front lines.
I sympathised with my classmate, whose exact name I was unable to recall, and gave her an answer.
"Not particularly. We just happened to meet
yesterday."
"Hmm."
Having heard and received my words, the kind and
honest girl said, "Got i~t," as she returned to a coterie of
other classmates.
I didn't hesitate to lie in times like this. Since I had to
protect myself, as well as guard her secret, it couldn't be
helped. Even for the girl who said nothing but unnecessary
things, the reason she met me was linked to her incurable
disease - seeing as it was the most confidential of secrets,
perhaps she would be willing to fabricate a cover story with
me.
With that, the first hurdle was over. At the end of the
fourth hour, the tests were over - I expected to score slightly
above the class average this time too. Without really talking
to anyone, I started to pack up and go home. Even though I
didn't have anything to do afterwards, I wanted to quickly go
home. While thinking about such things, I was about to
leave the classroom when a loud voice stopped me.
"Wait, wait! Affable-Classmate-kun!"
I turned around and saw her, who was grinning from
ear to ear, and my classmates, who looked on with
suspicion. The truth was that I wanted to ignore both parties,
but since it couldn't be helped, I ignored the latter and
waited for the girl that was walking over.
"We need to head over to the library for a bit, it seems
we have work."For some reason, her words managed to disperse the
tension in the classroom's air.
"I didn't hear about this."
"Sensei told me when I ran into her earlier. Do you
have something else to do?"
"Not really."
"Then let's go. It's not like you were going to study
anyway, right?"
I thought that was rude of her, but she was right, so I
went along with her to the library.
I have no intention of detailing the events in the library,
so to put it briefly - she had told a lie. A lie that involved
conspiring with the library teacher-in-charge even though
there was no need to. There wasn't any work to be done; I
earnestly inquired Sensei about our duties, but she and
Sensei just laughed at me, who they had summoned. Despite
my immediate attempts to return home, Sensei apologised
as she brought out tea and teacakes. Out of consideration
for the food, I forgave them.
After a short tea break, we were evicted from the library
as it was closing early today. Having reached this stage, I
asked for the first time why she had told that meaningless lie.
I was sure she must have had a good reason.
"Not really. I just like being mischievous, y'know?"
"This girl…!" I wanted to say it aloud as we made our
way to the shoe lockers, but that'd probably have been
playing into the hands of someone up to mischief. That was
when she stopped her foot mid-air. She jumped lightly over
my foot - her eyebrows were raised and she was making a face that showed her heartfelt displeasure.
"It'd be good if you someday get punished like the boy
who cried wolf."
"You see, the gods are properly watching stuff like how
my pancreas is goofing up. So don't you lie now."
"Though there also isn't a rule that says you can tell
meaningless lies just because your pancreas is goofing up."
"Eh, is that so? I didn't know. By the way, has Affable-
Classmate-kun had lunch yet?"
"There's no way I'd have been able to eat. I did get
dragged away by you out of the blue."
To the best of my ability, I tried to make my annoyance
apparent through my voice. With that, we had reached the
shoe lockers.
"What are you going to do?"
"I'll buy something to eat from the supermarket and
head home."
"If you don't have anything ready right now, then let's
go eat together. My dad and mom aren't around today, and
they only left me money, you see."
"..."
While changing our shoes, I was thinking of declining
her proposal, but truth be told, I didn't know how to answer.
I couldn't come up with a clear reason to reject her. My true
feelings that I felt yesterday, that "I had a little fun" - that too
stood in my way.
Having put on her outside shoes, she stood on her
tiptoes and groaned as she stretched her body. Today was a
little cloudy, so the sun was weaker as compared to yesterday.
"So how about it? I have a place I want to drop by
before I die, y'know."
"...But it'll be troublesome if we get seen by our
classmates again."
"Ah! That! I remember now!"
I thought her sudden increase in volume was a sign that
she had become weird in the head. When I looked, her
brows were knitted and she was acting all grumpy.
"Hey, Affable-Classmate-kun, you said you didn't get
along particularly well with me, right? Even though we did
when we had fun on the weekend!"
"Yeah, I did say it."
"I already mentioned it in yesterday's message. That we
should get along until I die."
"I don't really know about how it really is, but what I
said doesn't really matter, you know. It's just that I can't
stand being talked to or questioned by our classmates - I'd
much rather have them observe me if that's all they're
doing."
"Wouldn't it be fine even if they didn't misunderstand?
What's important is how we really are, our substance - even
though you said that yesterday."
"It's precisely because substance is most important that
it doesn't matter even if they misunderstand."
"We're going around in circles huh."
"Not to mention, I had to prevent news of your illness
from getting out, so I told a meaningless lie, just like you.
You should be praising me instead of getting angry." "Mmmmm!"
She had the face of a child that was thinking too much
about something difficult.
"We really do go in different directions, huh."
"Probably."
"It's not just for our eating habits, and the gap seems
even wider for this question."
"Guess it's just like a political question."
Somehow, before I knew it, her mood had returned to
its original state and she was roaring with laughter. Her
simplicity and sprightliness must be two of the reasons why
she had many friends.
"So, what about lunch?"
"...I don't mind going, but is this really fine? That you
aren't having fun with your other friends."
"There's no way that I'd make a double booking in my
plans, y'know. I already have plans with someone tomorrow.
But you're the only one that knows about my pancreas, so I
feel at ease with you."
"Am I supposed to be like a breather for you?"
"Yup, a breather."
"Then, for the sake of helping someone out, I guess
having lunch is fine."
"Really? Yay."
If it was for the sake of a breather, it couldn't be
helped. Even if we were discovered by our classmates and
things became troublesome, for the sake of helping
someone out, it really couldn't be helped. Even she needed
a place to spill her secrets. That was why it couldn't be helped.
Yes, I truly was a reed boat.
"Where are we going?"
So I asked, and she, looking up at the sky with
narrowed eyes, answered in the midst of what appeared to
be a dance.
"Paradise!"
That a place called paradise could possibly exist in a
world that would take away the life of a high school girl - I
thought it was strange.
I started to regret following her as we entered the store.
But even so, I understood how unreasonable it was to blame
her. The one at fault was me. Because I'd always avoided
contact with other people, and because I'd never been
invited out, I didn't realise that something was amiss. I didn't
know it was possible to find out too late that the other party's
plans differed from my own inclinations. It probably meant
that my crisis-management skills were lacking.
"What's wrong? You're looking glum."
The look on her face told me that not only had she
noticed my discomfort, it also amused her greatly.
The answer to her question had come together pretty
clearly. But since there wasn't a single thing I could
somehow use as an answer, I didn't say anything. There was
nothing I could do but make a lesson of this failure and
capitalise on it the next time.
In other words, yes, I wasn't the type of boy that would
rejoice over being misplaced in a fancy and mellow space with no one else but a girl.
"You see, the shortcakes here are really good."
Since before we entered, I'd found her choice of
location just a little bit odd, but I didn't really give it too
much thought. Since I'd never came to this sort of place
before, I must have let my guard down. But surely, who
would have thought that a restaurant which targeted a
specific gender as its customer base to this extent existed.
When I saw the sales slip that the server left, I found that the
box with "male" written beside it had been checked.
Whether it was that male patrons were exceptionally rare, or
that the prices changed based on gender, I didn't know, but
I could understand either way.
If I were to hazard a guess, the type of restaurant we
were in now would be a dessert buffet. Its name was
"Dessert Paradise". Right now, a fast food restaurant looked
much closer to paradise than this.
Reluctantly, I started talking to the grinning girl.
"Hey."
"What's wrong?"
"Stop grinning. Hey, are you trying to get yourself, or
even me, overweight? This is the second day in a row we're
going to a buffet."
"Neither. I'm just eating what I want to eat."
"I guess that's true. So are you going to eat sweet things
until you die today?"
"Exactly. You're okay with dessert, right?"
"I'm no good with fresh cream."
"Such people really exist? Then just eat some chocolate cake. They're really good, and they don't only sell desserts,
they have stuff like pasta and curry - even peet-suh too."
"That's really good news, but could you stop
pronouncing pizza like that? It makes pizza sound like it
smells bad."
"You mean the cheese?"
I was tempted to flick water or something at the nose of
that girl who managed to smile so smugly at her own joke. I
didn't however want to be a nuisance to others, nor trouble
the waiter by making a mess, so I stopped myself. Then
again, it wasn't as though I would've done it if we were at the
roadside anyway.
It would be annoying to get flustered like she expected,
so having reached this point, I put on a front like I had
hardened my resolve, and went to get food together with
her. Though it was a weekday afternoon, the restaurant was
filled with girls from other high schools that had entered
their examination period like us. After appropriately getting
some carbs, some salad, a Hamburg steak and some fried
chicken, I returned to our seats to find her already happily
seated down. On top of her plate was a large portion of
sweet things. Since I didn't really like the sweetness of
western confectioneries, I started to feel a little sick.
"Come to think of it, murder cases are scary, huh."
Some tens of seconds after we began to eat, she brought
up that topic.
I was relieved.
"Thank goodness, there wasn't a single person talking
about that case today, so I was starting to wonder if it was all just a dream of mine."
"Isn't that because no one's interested? After all, it did
happen in the countryside and not many people live there."
"That's a pretty heartless way of putting things, for
someone like you."
I thought it was unexpected. It's not like I could say that
I knew her, but the girl I imagined would never say
something like that.
"But I'm interested though. I properly watched the
news, and I even thought, 'ah, I didn't think this person
would've died before me,' okay!"
"I'm just asking because of that one in a million chance,
but have you ever met that person?"
"Do you think I have?"
"Do you think I think so? Just forget I asked. So what
were you saying?"
"Hm, I am interested, but you see, it's probably just
that everyone that's living a normal life isn't really interested
in stuff like living or dying."
That may be the right view of things. Living life as per
normal, living or dying - people that live while conscious
about these things are few and far between. That's just how
reality is. The only ones who live while thinking about life
and death every day are probably philosophers, priests or
artists. Not to mention this girl who's been afflicted by a
grave illness, and this person who found out about her
secret.
"Speaking of coming face-to-face with death, there's
that huh. You start to live every day thinking that you're alive."
"That resonates with my heart more than any other
words great men have spoken."
"Right? Haaah, if only everyone else was dying too."
She, who stuck out her tongue, had probably said it
jokingly, but I took her words pretty seriously. As is often
the case with words, all of their meanings depend on the
sensibilities of the listener, not the speaker.
I started eating the conservative serving of tomato pasta
on the heart-shaped plate. I was a little troubled but I
managed to just barely get by. Thinking about it, having
meals and going home are the same. A single bite of food
may have a completely different value to her than it would to
me.
But of course, it wouldn't be right to say that there was
any fundamental difference. Between me, who could die
tomorrow due to the whim of a criminal or some other
incident, and her, who was to die soon because of her
weakening pancreas, there shouldn't have been a gap
between the values of our meals. The only ones who could
fully grasp that are probably those that have already died.
"Affable-Classmate-kun, do you have any interest in
girls?"
The girl that had cream stuck to her nose asked so with
a silly face that didn't indicate she had just been discussing
life and death. It was amusing, so I didn't comment on it.
"What are you saying all of a sudden?"
"Even though you looked flustered for being brought
along to a shop full of girls, you didn't so much as look even when you passed by a cute girl. I noticed it right away,
y'know. Are you gay?"
Somehow it seemed like she had noticed I was
flustered. I decided to work on my acting abilities. Though it
remained to be seen whether I'd make improvements
before she died.
"I don't like being in a place where I don't belong. And
I also wouldn't do something as ill-mannered as staring at
other people."
"So I'm ill-mannered, huh."
She puffed out her cheeks. Since the tip of her nose
remained as it was, her expression became even more
amusing. It was an expression that appeared to be
specifically meant for showing others.
"Oh no, I've really become ill-mannered; Affable-
Classmate-kun, you said yesterday that you've never had any
friends or a girlfriend, so I just sort of assumed that you've
never liked anyone."
"I don't particularly dislike anyone either, so you could
just as well say that I like everyone."
"Yeah yeah, I got it, I got it. So, have you ever liked a
girl? Anyone?"
With a sigh, she stuffed her mouth with fried chicken.
It seemed like she was gradually getting used to dealing with
my nonsense.
"Whatever the circumstances may be, you know what
unrequited love is, right?"
"...Unrequited love."
"Like when your feelings aren't returned." "That much I understand."
"If you understand, then tell me about it already. Have
you ever had an unrequited love?"
I judged that going about this in a pretentious manner
would make for even more trouble. I'd be no match for her
if she got angry like yesterday.
"Hmm, well, I think there was something like that, just
once."
"That, right there - what kind of girl was she?"
"And why would you want to know that?"
"Because I'm interested - you said yesterday that we
were opposites, so I've been wondering what kind of person
you'd fall for."
I was considering telling her to just reverse who she was
as a person in that case, but as I didn't want to push my own
system of values onto others, I didn't say it.
"What kind of person, huh. Well, she was the type of
person that used 'san'."
"...San?"
She furrowed her brows, and her nose shifted. The
cream moved along as well.
"Yeah. We were in the same class in middle school.
She was a girl that always used 'san' without fail. Bookseller-
san, Shopkeeper-san, Fishmonger-san. Even for the novelists
that appeared in textbooks. Akutagawa-san, Dazai-san,
Mishima-san. On top of that, she even used it on food. Like
Daikon-san, as she called it. Thinking about it now though, it
was probably just a peculiarity - maybe she wasn't even
related to humankind. At the time, I just thought of it as never forgetting to be respectful. Or to put it differently, I
thought that she was a gentle and modest person. And so,
even more than for anyone else, by just a little bit, I had
special feelings for her."
Having said that in one go, I gulped down a mouthful
of water.
"I'm not sure if that counts as unrequited love, though."
I looked at her. Without saying even a single word, she
smiled and ate the fruit-covered cake that was on her plate.
Her smile deepened as she chewed, and while I was
wondering what was wrong, she scratched her cheek as she
looked back up at me.
"What's wrong?"
"Naaah."
She was fidgeting about.
"It's just that, you see, it was even more wonderful than
I thought it'd be, so I'm a little embarrassed."
"...Aah, yeah, maybe she was a wonderful girl."
"It's not that, I meant your reason for liking her."
I couldn't think of a good response, so I imitated her
and brought the Hamburg steak on the plate into my mouth.
This was delicious too. Seemingly happy, with a smile rather
than a smirk, she was looking at me.
"So what happened to that love? But that's right, you've
never had a girlfriend, huh."
"Yeah. You see, that girl apparently had an appearance
that looked cute to the average person too, so it happened
that she was going out with a cheerful and cool popular guy
in the class. Hmm, guess she doesn't have an eye for people."
"What do you mean?"
"Naaah, don't mind it. I see, so even you were once a
pure boy with a fleeting love, huh!"
"So, I'm just asking out of courtesy, but what about
you?"
"I guess I've had three boyfriends up till now. But just
so you know, I was serious about all of them. There are
quite a few people out there that say love in middle school is
just fun and games, but I think those people are just fools
that aren't responsible in their own love for others."
Her manner of speaking and facial expressions were
both inflamed with passion, and her breath closed in on me.
I moved back a little. I wasn't good with heat.
Incidentally, with her looks, it was quite believable that
she's had three boyfriends before. She didn't wear much
makeup, and while she wasn't a head-turning beauty, her
facial features were dignified.
"Hey, don't pull away."
"I'm not pulling away, but I think there's a little cream
on your nose?"
"Huh?" The girl who didn't understand made an
utterly silly face. If it was that face, maybe she wouldn't have
had any boyfriends. After a while, she finally noticed it and
hurriedly wiped her nose with a wet wipe. Before the cream
on top of her nose disappeared, I stood up from my seat.
My plate was already empty.
I got myself a new plate, intending to get something
sweet this time. But just as I was about to move deeper into the store, to my good fortune, I spotted my favourite warabi-
mochi, so I decided to appropriate some of the brown sugar
syrup that sat beside the plates. After snapping out of my
captivation with the art-like oozing of the brown sugar syrup,
I poured myself a cup of coffee.
While deliberating on how to deal with the girl when
she was in a bad mood, I slipped through the spaces within
the crowd of high school girls to return to our table.
Contrary to my expectations, she was in high spirits.
However, I was unable to take my place at the same
seat I had been using up till just now.
Her smile deepened as she saw me nearing the table.
Probably having noticed her expression, the person
sitting on the seat that should have been mine looked my
way. The surprise she felt quickly made itself apparent on
her face. As for me, I felt like she was someone I had seen
before.
"Sa-Sakura, and, is that, Gloomy-Looking-Classmate-
kun?"
I finally remembered just who that girl - who seemed
even more indomitable than her - was. If I wasn't mistaken,
she was the girl who tagged along with her rather often. And
if I remembered correctly, she was part of some sports club.
"Yup, Kyouko, why are you so surprised? Ah, Affable-
Classmate-kun, this girl is my best friend, Kyouko."
The smiling girl, her confused friend, and the cautious
me who carried a plate and a cup. While I lamented in my
heart that things would probably become troublesome again,
I placed the cup and the warabi-mochi on the table, and sat down on an empty seat for now. For better or for worse, she
and I had been shown to a table for four. From between the
two girls that sat across each other, I was able to see the both
of them without any conscious effort.
"Huh? Sakura, you mean, you get along with Gloomy-
Looking-Classmate-kun?"
"Yeah, I already told Rika when she asked - that we got
along."
She smiled at me a little. Her best friend seemed to
grow even more confused because of her smile.
"But, I heard from Rika that you were just joking?"
"Gah, that was just Affable-Classmate-kun being
misleading because he didn't want to be bothered. I can't
believe that Rika believed him over me - just where has our
friendship gone?"
Best-Friend-san didn't laugh at the words she'd said in
jest. Instead, she shot me a questioning glance. Since my
eyes had accidentally met hers, I nodded my head slightly.
She returned the nod. I thought that was the end of it, but as
expected of that best friend of hers, she didn't let me off
with just a nod.
"Hey hey, have I ever talked to Gloomy-Looking-
Classmate-kun before?"
Thinking about it, it was a rude question, but it didn't
seem like she harboured any ill will. Though even if she did,
I didn't want to create a bad atmosphere.
"We've spoken before. When I was manning the
library counter, you told me she wasn't able to come or
something like that." Having heard that, the girl started to roar with laugher.
"Don't call something like that talking," she interjected.
"That's just how you view it," I thought to myself, but
even the concerned person's supposed Best-Friend-san
muttered, "I wouldn't call that talking either." Well, to me
and to Best-Friend-san, whatever it was, was a non-issue.
"Is this okay Kyouko? Aren't your friends waiting for
you at your seat?"
"Ah, yeah, it's about time I go. Hey, Sakura, it's not like
I have any objections or anything, I'm just asking."
Best-Friend-san stared at her face, only looking at my
face just once.
"This is the second day in a row, and not to mention,
it's just the two of you in a place that's full of girls and
couples. When you said that the two of you get along, did
you mean it in that way?"
"Nope."
Since she had so confidently refuted her, I swallowed
the denial that lay at the tip of my tongue. I couldn't say that
I liked this situation with the two of them getting worked up.
Right after letting loose a relieved expression, Best-
Friend-san immediately scrunched her face in dubiousness,
and looked right back at me.
"So, what are the two of you? Friends?"
"I already told you, we get along."
"That's enough from you Sakura, since you tend not to
talk sense sometimes. Gloomy-Looking-Classmate-kun, is it
right to say that you're only friends with Sakura?"
I guess only a best friend could understand her that well. I thought about how to deflect the stray bullet that had
inexplicably locked onto me, and gave the most suitable
reply I could muster.
"I guess we get along."
I looked at both their faces simultaneously. One was
drained and appalled, while the other was grinning from ear
to ear.
Best-Friend-san gave an audible sigh. Then, with a
renewed vigour, spat out, "I'll definitely get to the bottom of
this tomorrow," waved goodbye only to her, and left.
I wondered whether tomorrow's plans with a friend
were plans with that person, and I was pleased that it was not
me, but her, that would come under fire. As for the stares
from my classmates that I would receive from tomorrow
onwards, I'd already given up. If there wasn't any real harm,
all I had to do was turn a blind eye to it.
"Wow, who'd have thought that we'd run into
Kyouko?"
Saying those words filled with equal parts surprise and
delight, she took one of my warabi-mochi, and wilfully put it
in her mouth.
"I met Kyouko when I was in middle school, you see.
She's been bold like that since the very beginning, so I
thought that she was a scary girl, but we got along as soon as
we started talking. She's a good girl, Get-Along-kun, so
please get along with her too."
"...Is it fine not to tell your best friend about your
illness?"
So I said, knowing that I was raining on her parade. The girl's heart that was coloured with positive emotions
would probably turn white in a moment. Then again, it
wasn't as though I said it because I enjoyed hurting her.
It's just that I wondered if it were really fine for her to
spend her little remaining time being honest with only
someone like me - that was the meaning behind my question
to her. Was there really no value in spending her final days
with a best friend that was so much more precious to her as
compared to someone like me? Unusually for me, those
were words of consideration and compassion.
"It's fine, it's fine! That girl is pretty emotional, so if I
told her, she'd definitely cry every time we met. Spending
time like that wouldn't be very fun, right? So for my own
sake, I've decided to hide it from everyone else till the very
last minute."
And thus with her words and expression, she had
wilfully repelled the torrent I had summoned upon her.
They were more than enough to leave me speechless.
There was just one last thing. Witnessing her willpower
had caused the question lurking within my heart since
yesterday to surface - it wouldn't do if I didn't ask her that at
the very least.
"Hey."
"Hm? What's up?"
"Are you really going to die?"
Her determined expression disappeared
instantaneously. I immediately regretted my decision, but I
didn't have the time to let my remorse linger - she quickly
regained her expression, and as always, it went round and round, changing dramatically.
At first she smiled. Then her face turned into one of
frustration. Then a bitter smile. Then it was anger, sorrow,
and back to frustration. At last, she looked me straight in the
eye and smiled.
"I'll die."
"...I see."
Her smile deepened as she blinked even more than
usual.
"I'm going to die. I've already known that for many
years. Thanks to advances in medical science, most of my
symptoms aren't visible on the outside, and my life
expectancy has increased. But, I'll die. They're saying that
they don't even know if I have a year left."
Even though I didn't especially want to know or hear it,
her voice resounded clearly in my ears.
"I can't tell anyone but Get-Along-kun. You must be
the only person that can give me both the truth and an
everyday life. My doctor can't give me anything but the truth.
My family overreacts to every single one of my remarks, and
they've become desperate trying to keep up appearances in
my everyday life. I think my friends will definitely be the
same if they found out. You're the only one that can live an
everyday life with me while knowing the truth, so it's fun to
be with you."
It felt like I had been stabbed deep in my heart by a
needle. I knew that I provided her with nothing like that. If -
just if - I had to say that I provided her with anything, it was
probably nothing but an escape. "I said it yesterday too, but you're overestimating me."
"Even more than that, I guess we really do look like a
couple, huh?"
"...What are you trying to say?"
"Nothing in particular."
As I thought, the girl that stuffed her cheeks with
chocolate cake that she had so appetisingly pierced with a
fork didn't look like a human being that was soon to die.
I realised it.
Not one human being looks like they will someday die.
Even me, even the person that was killed by the criminal,
even her, we were all alive yesterday. We lived without
behaving like we were going to die. I see - that may be why
the value of today was the same for everybody.
While I was in the middle of thinking, she admonished
me.
"Don't make such a serious face, you're going to die in
the end anyway. Let's meet in heaven."
"...That's true huh."
That was right, getting sentimental about her life would
just be conceited of me. It would be arrogant to believe that
there was no way I could die before her.
"That's why you should strive to be virtuous like me."
"That's right, after you die, I should go become a
follower of Buddha or something."
"You say after I die, but if you get involved with another
woman I'll never forgive you!"
"Sorry, I was just joking with you."
She gave her usual, hearty roar of laughter. We stuffed ourselves till we were full. Having paid our
respective bills, we left the restaurant and started to head
home for the day. Since there was a little distance to walk
from school to Dessert Paradise, I had originally intended to
ride my bike, but because of the time it would've taken to
get my bike from home, as well as the suggestion of that girl
to spare the effort, we had walked here to have our meals,
still in our uniforms.
The two of us trotted home on a sidewalk along a
national highway, simultaneously bathing in the light of the
sun that was no longer directly above us.
"Isn't the heat good too? Since this may be my last
summer, I have to enjoy it all I can. I wonder what we
should do next. What's the first thing that comes to mind
when you hear 'summer'?"
"I guess that'd be a watermelon popsicle."
She laughed. She was always in the mood for laughing.
"Something other than watermelon popsicles?" She
continued, "Anything else?"
"Shaved ice."
"They're both ice!"
"Then what do you think of when you hear 'summer'?"
"For me, it's definitely stuff like the sea, fireworks,
festivals, and not to mention, a single summer's adventure!"
"You're even going to find gold?"
"Gold? Why?"
"When you say 'adventure,' you mean going on a
journey, right?"
She sighed melodramatically, shaking her head with the palms of both her hands facing up. It was probably a gesture
to show her dismay, or perhaps even an action to signal
annoyance.
"It's not just a journey. Come on, summer, adventure,
you get it right?"
"So like waking up early to search for beetles."
"I got it - Get-Along-kun is a dummy."
"It's dumber to let love rule your head whenever a
particular season arrives."
"So you do understand! Gah!"
Being stared down as sweat dripped down my face, I
inadvertently looked away.
"It's hot so don't make things more troublesome than
they have to be, okay?"
"Weren't you the one that said the heat was good too?"
"A single summer's fleeting love. A single summer's
mistake - since I'm already a high school girl, I think it'd be
nice to experience those kinds of things once or twice."
The fleeting stuff aside, making a mistake probably
wouldn't be good.
"I'm alive, so it wouldn't do not to fall in love."
"You've already had three boyfriends in your lifetime,
isn't that enough?"
"Hey now, the heart isn't something that speaks in
numbers."
"That seems deep at first glance, but if you think about
it properly, those words don't really make sense. To put it
simply, you just still feel like making boyfriends."
I'd said those words with little thought to them, so I thought that she would have just made another joke in
return, but I was wrong.
She came to a halt as though she had suddenly thought
of something. I, who wasn't given advance notice, continued
to propel myself another five steps or so before finally
deciding to investigate the meaning behind her actions.
While I wondered whether she had found a hundred yen
coin, the girl that remained rooted to the spot stared at me.
She held her arms behind as her long hair fluttered in the
breeze.
"What's wrong?"
"...If I said that I felt like making a boyfriend, would
you do all you could to help me?"
She looked at me with a face like she was carrying out
an experiment. It seemed like she was forcing a profound
expression.
The meaning of her expression, and the meaning of
her words too - I, who was poor at human relations, couldn't
really understand them.
"Doing everything I can to help you - how so?"
"...Nah, it's fine."
The girl shook her head and began to walk once again.
I stole a glance at her face as she returned to my side; her
complicated expression had cleanly reset into a smile,
making me all the more confounded as to what her
intentions were.
"Could this be some joke about introducing your
friends to me or something?"
"Nope." Even though I thought there could be no other
conjecture, I was swiftly denied.
"Then, just what are you-"
"I told you it's fine. This isn't a novel, so it'd be a big
mistake to think that every one of my remarks means
something. There isn't really any meaning to it. Get-Along-
kun, you need to have more contact with humans."
"...Is that so."
It came to the point that I was forced to comply. I
couldn't tell her that it was weird to plainly deny any
meaning if there wasn't any. It was because of my reed boat
mentality. She had an air around her that indicated she
didn't want to continue the conversation beyond that topic –
that was what I felt. But after all, since this was based on the
sensibilities of someone unfamiliar with humans, it was
uncertain how reliable it was.
At a fork in the road close to school, she waved her
hand and loudly proclaimed:
"Alright then, I'll let you know when I decide on our
next date!"
Choosing not to pursue the matter of her having
decreed my unconditional and ignorant participation in her
plans, I turned my back to her waving hand. Perhaps, I had
already adopted the mindset of licking the plate clean after
having tasted the poison.
I thought about it even after we parted ways, but in the
end, I still couldn't understand her words and her
expression from that time.
It was probably something I wouldn't understand till I died.