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What have I done?
The shame filled me as I watch Bill Blink away to go back to doing whatever it is he does when he isn't with me. This was a odd feeling, permeating my whole being and twisting my clouds out of their usual calm positions.
I knew Bill hated being lied to. But I must. To keep her safe. To keep her happy. To keep her trust in me.
My alternatives are judging me. I can feel their disappointment. Not for erasing Bill's memories, plenty of them had done similar things to their Bill's during the 'return' process when they were sent into a different form and time. No. They were disappointed in me because of WHY I was erasing Bill's memories.
They were annoyed that I wasn't doing more to stop Bill. They were annoyed that I continued to allow Bill to run free, wild and growing stronger. They were annoyed I was allowing Bill to do whatever they wished.
Soon, I will be cut off from them. A limb discarded from the main body. An infection that needs to be separated from the whole. Like all the other corrupted AXOLOTL. I knew this. I could feel it happening.
Again and again, I had seen other alternatives who had fallen. They allowed their own emotions to get in the way of the goal. I had never thought I would be one of them. I can feel my link with some of the others being slowly, carefully, snipped. They no longer wished to be connected with me.
I was a failure.
A fallen.
A liability.
This was never supposed to happen.
I curl around myself and despair as each link was severed. I could still see my alternatives. But I could no longer speak with them. It grew quieter and quieter as the infinite number of connections dwindled. I could do nothing to stop it. Just as I could not begrudge them for doing so.
I was tainted.
This shouldn't have happened.
It was because of Bill. A Bill who was not Bill...and yet, WAS.
Wherever her soul may have come from doesn't matter. Whoever he had been before doesn't matter. It didn't matter if Bill didn't think they were a real Bill Cipher.
Because they were Bill Cipher.
And their existence was tied into mine.
As is stated, the AXOLOTL was the opposite of Bill Cipher. We were counterparts, that was how this universe had been set up. There was a connection between us, our very essence. There didn't need to be one but I had felt this connection form there at the beginning, the moment we had first met. When that broken child had looked upon me and screamed "FINALLY! Where the hell have YOU been?!"
They latched onto me, clinging to me as their anchor.
And I had allowed it.
If I knew back then what I know now, I wouldn't have allowed it.
But I couldn't go back now.
After meeting Bill, bonding with him, with her.
I couldn't even fathom the idea of not having Bill in my life. I wouldn't be able to stand it.
The AXOLOTL is a neutral party. I cared for everything and nothing. To love all equally and judge all equally. But somewhere along the way I realized how it felt to be loved. To have a creature love me with all their soul.
It is easy to abstain from things when one has experienced nothing. One cannot miss or crave what one has never had. In this way, the AXOLOTL have remained pure. By experiencing nothing, we want for nothing and by having nothing, we crave for nothing.
There is no greed or want when one has never had.
But I had. I was shown something most AXOLOTL had never known.
Genuine love from someone who knew and understood me.
There were plenty of worshipers who prayed to me, loved me and lived for me.
But none of them knew me. Who I am, what I am. Their love for me was born out of duty, and my care for them was nothing more than duty as well. I was their God and their love for me, even if it was sincere, was distant.
Bill loved me.
Bill CHOSE to love me.
And, fool that I am, I allowed it.
The correct thing to do would have been to discourage such behavior. Distance myself even more until Bill stopped caring. But I couldn't. My every attempt to rebuff or ignore them was dodged. I would tell Bill to use their powers in a way that would restrict them, weaken them. I would give Bill the information on how to use their powers incorrectly and then leave them alone for years at a time to figure out how it worked on their own. It should have frustrated them, angered them, made Bill write me off as an unhelpful dead end and leave to do his own thing. Like all the other Bills had.
Like they were supposed to.
But she didn't.
She struggled through the information I gave her until she found a way to make it work. She didn't even seem to mind how restricted her powers were, she wanted it that way. She wanted to keep her powers contained so they didn't hurt anyone.
Bill kept coming back to me. Over and over again. Spending time with me, speaking to me, caring for me.
And somehow, against my better judgement, I began to care for him too.
(Though Bill's need to pester me is both exasperating and endearing)
I am supposed to be impartial. I am not supposed to care. And more importantly, I am not supposed to let Bill connect themselves to me. A true bond between us should never have been allowed.
Because Bill Cipher is the opposite of the AXOLOTL.
What then, would be the result of a Kind Bill Cipher?
A connection goes both ways. An insane Bill meant a sane AXOLOTL. An evil Bill Cipher meant a good AXOLOTL.
It sounded so simple. But what if Bill Cipher wasn't evil. What then?
Then the AXOLOTL will change to match, remaining opposite Bill. That is the result of a Bond. That is what happens when an AXOLOTL and Bill Cipher are directly linked to each other. A morally gray Bill will result in a gray AXOLOTL.
An imperfect, tainted AXOLOTL.
I could fight this, I could remain pure by simply being pure.
(Purity was distant, purity was not questioning the decisions of the AXOLOTL, because the AXOLOTL was right, because there was something more important going on that we/I must do, because only we/I can see the full story)
But if I did that, Bill would never be able to heal. Bill would never get better. Their temper would remain destructive as their power remained unstable and they would remain miserable. For a long time, I remained pure and I watched as Bill suffered again and again as their powers went out of control and they gave into their raging emotions and impulses. Because I hadn't taught them how to stabilize themselves.
Bill would come to me and cry, over and over, blaming themselves for their lack of control.
So...I allowed myself to slip.
Just a little bit.
This didn't make Bill saner, more stable or better. It simple allowed her to be able to improve himself through her own efforts. She could heal and learn patience through her own desire to do so. (Bill's constantly changing mental gender is...somewhat odd to keep track of)
As Bill saw improvement, as they pulled on my to hold themselves steady, they seemed so happy. They came to me with stories about the friends they had made or the time they managed to keep their temper. They seemed so proud of themselves.
I couldn't help but allow myself to slip more and more.
Tiny things. Barely noticeable.
But then Bill told me they could now perform Blessings.
It shouldn't have been possible.
Bill Cipher was an entity of destruction. Blessings should have been impossible.
Curses are a give and take. An input of something results in the output of an effect.
But Blessings were giving with no return.
Like creating a Soul from nothing. Like creating a universe from nothing. A Blessing was something only I was supposed to be capable of.
That's when I knew I had gone too far. I had let too much of myself slip away. And despite my horror, I found that I couldn't take it back. I wouldn't take it back. I didn't want to take it back.
Not if it meant costing Bill their happiness.
I feel the corruption building inside me. Not enough to cause any problems or issues with my Duty but...
I cannot let Bill know of this.
They would blame themselves. They would try to fix me, heal me, help me.
Even if it would mean throwing themselves back into insanity and corruption.
I did not want to see that. Not when they had come so far, worked so hard and finally appeared...happy.
I cannot let them know the truth. I shouldn't have told them anything. I could not let her realize…
And she had realized too many dangerous things.
So I took her memories, her knowledge of what she had learned. Even when she begged me not to. Even when she begged me to tell her what was bothering me. Even when she only wanted to HELP me.
I was afraid of what would happen if Bill began to hate me, like the other Bills hated their AXOLOTL. If she knew how the AXOLOTL made and discarded worlds...
I couldn't let Bill know about this, not the discarded timelines NOR my worsening condition. The only solution would be for Bill to get worse in order for me to get better. And I...have decided that her happiness meant more to me. Even if I would someday turn into a horrible monster, as long as Bill could become someone who could look at themselves and be happy with who they were…
I felt yet another AXOLOTL cut me off. I heard one ask if this was really my choice. If I had truly chosen to allow myself to fall.
-If you fell, your dimension would fall with you. Who would regulate the souls? Who would be the judge? This foolishness will only hurt all of you in the end-
A prickle of worry rose up before fading. It would be fine. When I fell, Bill will take over my duties. I know they would do well. They were kind. They were filled with love for everything. They will make a better god than I…
-But your duty is not to be kind. Your duty, OUR duty, is to be fair-
Even so.
If Bill, twisted and broken as they were back when I had first met them, was still capable of loving me, then there must have been a reason. For the I, who couldn't afford to love anyone, this weakness, this craving for Bill's regard was something I couldn't turn away. It would have been easier to love all equally, if I had never been loved personally.
But now that I had this taste of what it felt like...I couldn't let it end. I wanted Bill to love me forever. To give me this feeling, painful, euphoric, heavy and overwhelming, I wished to keep this. I can feel the other AXOLOTL turn away. I was a failure.
It was quiet now.
It was always quiet in the Space between Spaces but with the emptiness inside my head, the quiet was deafening. I settled down to sleep, what better way to avoid facing what I had done. Even if it was out of my worry for them, I had betrayed Bill. Betrayed my child. Erased their memories.
Because I was too afraid they would fear me if they knew what I had done. Because I was afraid they would hate me.
And thus, I did something that would ensure they would hate me...if they ever found out. Which they wouldn't There was no way for them to know what I did. They don't remember it after all.
I didn't want her to know the truth about the erased existences. The erased Bill Ciphers. They were broken abominations, clinging to life even as their very reality and being were erased from creation. They should not exist anymore.
Faintly, I heard -You need to tell Bill the truth. Tell Bill how you're Bonded together-
It was the AXOLOTL from Dimension 14498844. I shook my head. -If I told Bill, he would undo it all, just to help me-
-...just because you slipped to help Bill start their recovery, doesn't mean you have to keep slipping-
But wouldn't it be better for Bill to fully become good? For them to be ABLE to fully become good?
-You really have slipped. Have you considered that Bill might not want to be good?-
But Bill has always tried to be good. Isn't that what she wanted?
-What she wants is for you to be happy as well. Even I can see that…-
But...there was no other way.
-You underestimate your Bill, talk to her. She might surprise you. You'd know this yourself if you weren't so far gone that you cannot think properly-
I considered it. He may be right. I have slipped so far I'm having trouble knowing what to do. I was amazed an Alternative was still bothering to stay connected to me.
-Because I understand what it's like, to be loved and wish to love back in return-
And how do you do it?
-My dimension does not work as yours does. I am in no danger as you are-
I sighed. Well.
It was fine. I will still take his suggestion to close off the bond between me and Bill for now. So that neither of us can pass parts of our essence to each other anymore. My alternate is right after all, I should not allow myself to fall.
Even if Bill would do a good job taking my place, I doubt she would want to. Bill always has so many things they want to do. Being tied down like I am with all this responsibility would only make them unhappy.
All I want, is for Bill to be happy. Even if it means I have to do things that aren't right...even if it means hiding the truth from them. I probably should tell Bill about our Bond, but the guilt would cause them so much pain.
And the idea that Bill would find out about the previous worlds I used to hold dominion over...the worlds I abandoned, the Bills who had been erased...I couldn't let them find out. I couldn't take the risk that they would become afraid of me. That they might begin to hate me.
I didn't abandon those worlds because I wanted them to fall to ruin, it was...meant to happen. I shook my head and burrowed into a cloud. That's not important. Regardless of how much corruption has tainted me, I still had my duty. The Souls filtered in and out. Time continues marching onward. Space kept expanding. Energy continued to spread and disperse.
Eventually, the energy would run out. Space would snap back like an elastic. Time would end.
And then I would be forced to abandon another world
I laid in my cloud and filtered the Souls.
This Bill Cipher wasn't what I expected. She was nothing like my last one. I had always handled one creation at a time, unlike many of my alternatives who would manage multiple. It meant I had more invested in what happened in my multiverse. It was how I had managed to land myself in this mess. Because I have found a Bill Cipher who loved me. I didn't want to leave her behind when I was forced to abandon this world too. But the cycle keeps going. So long as any piece of reality exists, this would keep happening.
What was it Bill would say? 'You're a toymaker's creation, trapped inside a crystal ball'?
I don't know about toys, but that sounded accurate.
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Bill was making more Deals. More frequently. It worried me as the corruption began to fill them again. But my mind clears. I sighed. I shouldn't have allowed this bond. But if I had prevented it, Bill would have continued along their broken path. As it is, Bill gets better and worse constantly, a fluctuation that I can feel as well. He isn't evil, but he isn't quite good either. Despite his kindness, Bill often dismisses people, strangers that he doesn't care for, aside from basic decency.
And anyone who struck out against him would earn his dislike. Fools be those who earn his ire. Still, I have not seen Bill hate any singular person. He hates concepts and organizations, but he cannot hate any single person in such a way.
I wonder if he even realizes this?
As per the suggestion of my alternative, I do not allow myself to slip anymore. The baseline that Bill had received from me is the best he will be able to get. I have clamped down on the Bond. I can still get better, Bill can still get worse. But he can get better on his own now, at least up to the baseline I had set.
I frowned. It was problematic to have this Bond. I should see about breaking it. But what would happen to Bill if I did? This actually wasn't the first Bill Cipher I've ever bonded to. A few Cycles ago, I had bonded to another. He was the worst of the worst. Selfish, cruel and utterly corrupted. He tortured his Zodiac until they broke and there was nothing left to stop him from taking over the 3rd dimension.
I had never been more powerful.
I easily discarded that dimension once Bill had destroyed all life and there was nothing left. I left when I was told to, a group decision of votes from the other AXOLOTL. From the other me. We were all the same entity after all. That dimension crumpled into dust and I once again created a new one. That had been my duty, time after time. After the destruction of the Time giants, this duty fell on me.
I had never questioned it. It was simply how things were. Once a dimension died, it was time to scrap it and start over. Let it grow and evolve however it wanted. I sow the seeds of creation and then I allowed it to mature without interfering. An infinite versions of AXOLOTL with an infinite dimensions, resetting again and again until…
...until we succeed.
Until we create a world that wouldn't simply burn out and die. A world that would continue on. That wouldn't succumb to entropy. That wouldn't end with the death of all and I as the only survivor.
Again.
Alone again with no one but myself and my own thoughts.
Because even Time and Energy will eventually cease to be. All that is left would be ever expanding space. Cold and lifeless.
Alone.
So the universe resets and I try again.
That is how it had always been.
I was visited by Bill again. She told me of her day and played with my gills. She hugged me and said "I love you." before she left. I know the other AXOLOTL had given me and this world up as a lost cause. But…
As the supreme god, I have no god to pray to. But even so, I prayed that my world wouldn't have to be discarded. That I wouldn't be forced to leave this world, leave HER. I doubt I would ever find one like her again. There were other dimensions, branched off my own with a similar Bill, but those worlds were produced by their own AXOLOTL. So for all intents and purposes, my Bill was the only one I had.
And I didn't want to lose her.
Not when she still chose to love me, again and again despite how often I failed her. How often I've lied to her. How often I've hurt her. To be a true neutral, I had allowed many awful things to happen, because I am not supposed to step in.
Despite my selfishness of willingly turning a blind eye to conflicts I could have easily stopped, people I could have easily helped, Bill didn't blame me. Not even when the other Bills told her repeatedly that I wasn't to be trusted. She understood I had to remain neutral and while she was unhappy with that, she still accepted it and never blamed me for it.
Even when she knew that I had taken her brother's soul and sent him off to reincarnate, had allowed the suffering of my own worshipers when I never answered their prayers...Bill never blamed me. She...told me that if being neutral was my decision, then it was my decision and she would respect that.
Bill did not worship me as a god.
She loved me as her father.
In the face of such devotion and belief, how could I not be moved? I worry now for the future. For the prophecy to decide her fate. For the Pines family that she would meet. I could not allow Bill to be destroyed. I will not lose her.
So I put it off, refusing to give her the prophecy, pushing it off until she turned a trillion years old. So that I could have time to come up with a solution. A way to keep her safe. A way to ensure she wouldn't be destroyed.
So that I wouldn't be left alone again.
I spent my time pondering what to do. What prophecy to make. How do I keep her safe? There was a fixed timeline. Some parts could be altered but going off the path of fate always quickened the death of the universe. How then, would I be able to protect her?
I put it off for another year as I observed Bill and tried to find something that would work. It was difficult. Most of the Bill Ciphers I've seen, despite their talk of chaos, were distressingly straightforward and easy to predict. They were angry, selfish and utterly stubborn.
My Bill was much more unpredictable. For every time she loses her temper, there was a time in which she apologized for her behavior. For every selfish decision she made, she had some underlying reason that benefited others. For all her stubbornness, she could emphasize and see the situation from another's perspective and try to find a compromise that everyone would be happy with.
Even her identity wasn't set in brick. Bill could switch between her identities as easily as she did her gender. I could never tell when she would do something awful or something good. She was unpredictable.
Which meant I couldn't make a prophecy that would be appropriate.
60 degrees that come in threes…
I began to perform my duty on autopilot as I thought and thought and thought.
Watches from within pine trees…
Double meanings, implications, vague or leading language. I can't even use the word 'He'.
Lost their lives to a fire…
What would match her, specifically her, and not any other Bill Cipher?
Love, friends and family were their desire…
I paused. It worked, certainly, but it was still quite vague. I could list multiple other Bills this applied to. But, that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Keeping it vague allowed it to fit for my Bill, as opposed to something specific that might change as time went on.
And it would allow her more freedom to act as she pleases.
All I wanted...against the purpose I was created for (maintaining my reality, keeping everything stable) was for Bill to be happy. This...is called Selfishness isn't it? For this selfishness the other AXOLOTL turned away from me. All except a small handful of my others have left.
-Is it wrong to allow myself to love?-
-To love one is to place that one above others, you know this-
-True. But is it wrong?-
-There's no real answer for that. Do as you wish-
Do as I wish...my own desires?
As the strings fell away and the other parts of myself left me, I realized what this meant. I was abandoned by the majority. I was...free. As free as I could be anyway. I can never truly be free. I am nothing more than a fragment of the original AXOLOTL after all. Just one of many avatars created to serve my purpose, running this Reality. Even if I was seen as a failure, I haven't been dismissed or erased. Not that it was easy to erase an AXOLOTL. But it COULD happen, if enough of them got together to tear them apart and eat them. We were cannibalistic after all.
I still exist. Which meant that the main AXOLOTL has allowed my continued existence. Possibly due to curiosity of what my Reality would go through. What would it mean for a Reality with an AXOLOTL who raised, loved and Bonded to a Bill Cipher? I suppose I should be grateful I live. Even if it was only to satisfy our curiosity. But it meant I was free now. I could do what I wanted. I could…
No. That's too much for me.
Even if I could now interfere with the world...didn't mean I SHOULD. It was too dangerous. Besides, Bill and Time Baby are handling things just fine. I...wouldn't want to interfere. I wiggled my fins and sighed. I should focus on more important matters. Making Bill's Prophecy. She's already 700 billion years old. I need to get this settled.
60 degrees that come in threes…
The words repeat around my head as I thought and thought. What can I do to ensure my Bill remained happy? I thought and thought until I fell asleep, the phrases and rhymes echoing inside me. How could I give her story a happy ending?
I know my priestess Jheselbraum had already attempted to divine Bill's future.
"When space and time are torn asunder
The Beast shall commit his blunder
His greatest triumph shall be his end
The hubris of the break he tries to mend."
I will have to work around that.
At the very least, my Oracle did not have the same Prophecy as that other one...the one whom said that Ford Pines had "The face of the man who would destroy Bill Cipher."
I shuddered. The Pines. It was they who would kill Bill. That is how it has almost always happened. In multiple dimensions, in multiple timelines. I would have to account for THEM as well.
I will ask Bill for what they want. They can write the prophecy themselves if they wanted...
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