Kerass stood still while his thoughts ran rampant. He was silently begging her to respond. Any response would be fine by this point, anything that relieved the awkward tension of this one-way conversation. With a dispirited sigh, Kerass turned around and began to walk away.
"Wait!" Cadence called out after him.
He turned back around and entered the classroom looking straight into her eyes. It was a look that could see through any lie that she would conjure up. "Well, will you?" he asked dryly, his eyes never straying even for a millisecond from his gaze on her.
"What do you need, or should I say, want help with?" she asked.
"I don't have friends," he started to say. She instantly started laughing.
"Are you mocking me?" he asked.
"No, I'm sorry, but I just don't see it. You have the support of the entire school. I mean, what more could you want?"
"How about honesty? When people talk to me, they don't tell me the truth. They only say what they think I want to hear."
"Hmm…" she paused. "What do you want to hear exactly?"
"What is this therapy?"
"Well, the purpose of a peer support group is to help each other out mentally, not just a place to find friends, although that certainly can also happen."
He exhaled. "I want to hear that people like me for me and not just my athletic ability. I want to hear people say it's ok if I lose a game, that being a loser doesn't define who I am, but I can't deny that when I lose, I feel like a total failure, a loser that everyone is disappointed in."
"You surprise me. I didn't think you thought that much about everything."
"You're saying I look dumb?"
"No, just saying you play the jock role well, but even from this brief encounter, I know you're much more than just the quarterback."
"Stop trying to make me feel better," he said, his cheeks burning red.
"I thought you wanted support."
"I wanted honesty. That doesn't always equate to support."
"I was being honest."
Smiling, he looked at the floor, unable to look her in the face. The door opened. He looked and saw Mr. Hendricks walk in.
"Kerass," Mr. Hendricks said, "I'm surprised to see you here, but welcome! We always embrace newcomers."
"Oh come on, Mr. Hendricks," Cadence said, "everyone needs support, including jocks."
"I meant no shade."
"It's ok, sir," Kerass said. "I get the confusion, but she's right. You've got a really smart and observant girl leading your group. I was just hoping there would be more people here."
"We'll give it a fair shake, but we can't keep offering it if you're the only one to show up."
"I thought as much," Kerass closed his eyes and exhaled.
"Don't give up hope yet," Mr. Hendricks replied.
"You and I can always talk," Cadence added, "even if the group disbands. We'd just find a different avenue."
"Sure," he said. "Look, I've gotta go. I, uh, I'm sorry I wasted your time."
"Kerass…" Cadence said gently.
"I'll be ok."
"Don't talk so negatively about yourself. You didn't waste either of our time," Mr. Hendricks assured him. "We're actually thrilled you even showed."
"Yeah, whatever."
"We'll talk later, promise me?" Cadence asked.
"Yeah, ok. Promise me you won't tell anyone I was here?"
"I won't tell a soul," she said. "I swear."
"All right," he said and then left. The awkwardness spread around the entire room. They may have claimed he didn't waste their time, but he certainly felt they wasted his. What kind of group doesn't even have a full first meeting? True, he showed up really late, but so what? Had anyone else come? Why did I even bother, he asked himself.
"You're gonna be ok," Kerass whispered aloud to himself. Just keep telling yourself you have value, he thought, but deep down inside, he never believed that to be true.
Jay's voice boomed in the auditorium as he kept improvising the dialogue that he neglected to memorize. Everyone in the cast was glaring at him, hating his guts, he just knew it.
"I, uh," he stumbled. "I don't know what to say. I'm sorry everybody, I've failed you."
"All right everyone, let's take 5," Mrs. Hearn called out.
He looked over at his fellow castmates, but no one returned his gaze. Several even stood up and walked away when he looked over at them. Right now he would give anything to be away from this place, to have Kerass there to protect him from his failure.
"Hey, Jay," Mrs. Hearn said. "Can you come here for a sec?"
Uh-oh. Here it comes. I better kiss this play goodbye. I just know I'm gonna be dropped, he thought.
"I think you're very talented, but I think you need some help in memorizing your lines. Think you could come during your lunch hour and I could run lines with you, help you get up to speed."
"You're not firing me?"
"No! I'm not firing you. Why did you ever think I was gonna fire you? Huh? Is everything ok, Jay?"
Truthfully, there was something on his mind, something that had crept up since the summer before the school year. Two words loomed over him and he couldn't even say it out loud. Yet, he thought not only would one person in particular be accepting, Kerass, his best friend, he might even understand completely.
"There's nothing wrong, Mrs. Hearn. I'd love to run lines with you."
"Ok, don't blow this out of proportion. We've still got plenty of time to get you caught up. Anyways, I've gotta step out for just a sec, but I'll be back in three," she said rushing out of the auditorium.
Jay nodded. She was right, there was enough time, but it was still a lot of work. He wasn't even sure if it was worth it staying in the play anymore, considering the rest of the cast hated him. Still, the drama teacher loved him. Does she know? He asked himself. Does she know that I'm…, that I'm…., I'm… he still couldn't say it, especially not aloud. He must affirm himself, no one else was going to do it for him. Fine, I'm gay, he admitted. Did everyone know? Was it really all that obvious, what his sexuality was? Did everyone assume already? Did Kerass know? Yeah, he had to know. The only question was did Kerass feel the same way? Straight men weren't as nice and considerate as Kerass was. No, that was a trait gay men typically held. Still, there was truly only one way of finding out. Pulling out his cell phone, he texted Kerass the two words he couldn't even utter to himself a moment ago: I'm gay. He waited anxiously, desperately for a reply of affirmation, but none came. The message remained delivered, not read, even after two minutes wait. He must be patient, though. It took him a long time to assure himself of the truth, so he needed to give Kerass space, but truthfully, all he longed to do was kiss him. Oh please, let him feel the same way about me.