Our conversation turned to more mundane topics, relieving me from the awkward atmosphere that had been forming. After we finished our food, we took our drinks into the library. Brian sets up his notepad and chair that he likes, motioning for me to sit.
"Let's get business out of the way, shall we?" Brian sits back, relaxing into the chair as I rest back on my chaise lounge, moving the pillows for comfort.
I'm facing away from Brian, it helps me speak freely not seeing his facial reactions. I've seen them before and even though he doesn't let much through his professional mask, his eyes can be a dead give away.
"Okay, first things first, I want you to take a nice, deep breath, in through your nose. Hold and slowly release through your mouth. Breathe in, hold, slowly release." He does our calming exercises that he likes to start out for his deep therapy sessions.
"Okay, Lirael, you had a painful event happen recently. You ended your contract with your sub and then not long after, he is no longer with us. How are you feeling about all this?"
I go on to tell him about my guilty feelings, of regret, that maybe if I had spoken just five more minutes to him, he'd still be around. That I was sad he died by accident, that even though things were over between us, I never wished him ill. How he was wanting to start a relationship with me, that he felt the desire to be more than just my contracted sub. I expressed about my lack of emotions in ending it and just feeling annoyed more than anything. That he just was not what I needed and wanted. He was not a bad person, just not right for me.
A tissue breaks me out of my train of thought, as Brian wiggles it out of the corner of my eye. I take it, not realizing until than that tears were rolling down my face. I wipe my eyes and face, taking a few calming breaths before Brain asks another question.
"So what else was it that you felt that you were in need of my services?" He's quiet, I can hear the scratch of his pen on his notepad and then it's pause as he waits for my answer.
"It has to do with Lance." I sit up and face him, giving him a hard look. "You can not under any circumstance talk to him about any of this either."
Brian's head pulls back in shock and confusion, "You are my patient right now, Lirael. I'm not violating my own policies or HIPAA's for my friend, nor would I even think about violating our friendship and betraying your trust that we've worked very hard to build all these years. Whatever you have to say, stays between us, I assure you."
I nod and sigh, my head falling back to look up at the ceiling, "Lance and I, are contracted now."
"Oh. Congratulations." Brian's lack of enthusiasm is not lost to me.
"You sound convincing with that enthusiastic response." I roll my eyes as I give him a side eyed glance.
"I'm only matching your own enthusiasm on the subject. So what seems to be the problem?" He begins to make a few notes, not looking at me.
I lay back on the chaise and start explaining how I feel about lying to his mother and uncle, my boss no less, and what will happen if Beth ends up responding well and surviving. What if things go south between us? What if we fake it so much that we end up being more in a romantic relationship or a one sided one, instead of a contractual one.
How I feel that we're both giving and receiving mixed signals, "I mean, come on Brian, I actually hugged him when I was feeling vulnerable. I searched and felt comforted by his presence, and it was completely intentional! I don't actively search for comfort and physical contact of any kind, other than friendly or aftercare. Yet, with him, I didn't even think about it and hugged him."
"You did just receive the phone call from the officer though. Maybe, that's the reason you actively searched for affection." Brian offers and I nod in agreement.
"Yes, I suppose you're right.... yet, I'm finding this more and more often to be true. I can't seem to control myself with him. I want him, no, I feel like I need him near me more often. To touch, feel, talk to, punish, to fuck, to let him do what ever he desires to my body. It scares me that I feel such..."
"A level of intimacy with him?" Brian offers up as I pause longer than expected, trying to find the right words.
"Yes, I guess that's the word that I am looking for, intimacy. I asked him what he wanted from this between us. His words were, 'I want to be your best friend, to trust each other to satisfy all of our needs, without judgement. That we could go to and trust each other with anything, enjoy contracts with others without issues, possibly even joining sessions with our others. However, even though he said all this, I noticed when it came to Dr. Patel, he seemed annoyed about him. Then when I told him that Aman just wanted to take me out to dinner to get his family to leave him alone, he got pissed." I shake my head remembering how he reacted last night.
"He didn't want me to be the scapegoat, just because I wasn't giving myself enough credit for my worth. He said I should be respected and placed up on a pedestal. Then, he helped pick out my damn outfit for tomorrow!" I laugh, still shocked he did that and made me look like a siren.
"He's just throwing me for a loop here, and I do not know what to make of it really. He knows some what of what I have gone through, but not all of it." I take a deep breath, trying to calm myself.
"What if he finds out the rest and doesn't handle it well? What if it's too much for him? What if I'm just over analyzing and it's nothing like what I am making this all out to be?" I groan and tug my hair, "What if! That question has caused me more pain than I care to admit, or that I care to repeat. I've thought about changing my mind a million times, but whenever I hear his voice or see him, I... I just can't. I love what he does to my body, How he reacts to me, and me to him. How even when I'm swollen and tender, he makes me wet and wanting. That he actually gives it to me, with my pleasure always the forefront of his mind, even when he's being rewarded. He never takes unless I say so, and he won't take unless I have been pleased. He's ..... FUCK...!"
I yell out and sit up to meet Brian's gaze. "Brian, I'm fucked. I am absolutely fucked about this whole situation, aren't I?"
Brian sits back, placing his pad down, tossing the pen on top with a sigh. "You will be, if you continue to think you will be. Why not just accept this at face value for now. It's not like he's asking for an exclusive contract. You can still have fun with others, right?"
I start to play with my thumb nail, the clicking sound helping me focus my thoughts, "Yeah, I can." I finally nod, thinking about it all.
Brian interlocks his fingers and holds the back of his head, sticking his legs out farther, "There you go, darling. Have fun, enjoy the intimacy of your unique friendship, and just don't forget about me... If you ever want to talk." He gives me a half hearted smile before grabbing his drink and taking a swig.
"Why don't you go and put on this outfit for tomorrow? I'd like to see how beautiful you're going to look tomorrow night." He quirks a brow up, wiggling them at me to make me smile.
"Oh, alright. Only because you asked so nicely."