My eyes slowly opened. I was in his bed, alright. I was still throbbing from the sex of the previous night, and there was something satisfying from the throb.
However, like almost every other time I have had sex before, I felt guilty. I felt guilty for letting myself be used for others' pleasure. I felt my value as a girl decreasing. I felt terrible for having sex.
It benefitted me nothing, apart from the pleasure during the activity.
I forced myself to smile. It wasn't entirely bad, I consoled myself. I loved the feeling that came with the pain, the torture it brought to my soul. A huge part of me was a pain addict and it was always glad whenever I had coitus.
It was as though my body was possessed by a being that lived on sex only, such that I had to have continuous sexual encounters in order to sedate it. So, it wasn't entirely bad to have sex, was it? I liked it, didn't I?
The door to the room opened and I turned.
"You're up." El entered.
I smiled at him. He didn't need to know how terrible I felt. Sleeping with him presented both the good and the bad, but I wasn't about to select the bad aspects. It was pointless therefore I would settle for the best part.
As always.
"Are you okay?" He asked not moving further into the room.
"Yes." I lowered my eyes. I wasn't shy to face him, but in all the books I had read, the girl was always shy around the guy when they had just had their first sex, right? So I had to be shy too.
"About last night..."
When he stopped I knew he was uncertain about how to go about it. He probably thought I felt bad or ashamed. I wouldn't blame him though, he was probably one of the few people that thought I was an innocent little girl.
I looked up at him. "I enjoyed it."
A huge smile broke out on his face. It was the first time I had seen El smile so widely. My heart broke. For some reason, I could only make people around me happy at the cost of my true feelings. Not like I didn't enjoy the previous night, I did. But at the moment I felt really terrible.
Only, I couldn't let him know that because he would definitely feel bad. And I didn't like making those around me feel bad.
"Really?" El asked.
I nodded, lowering my gaze. I still had to be shy.
"Come on, are you being shy now?" He walked to me. "So cute."
I continued looking down.
"So... Do you think we can like... do it again?" He slowly sat on the bed. "Sometime?"
No.
"Yeah." I said aloud.
"For a moment I thought you were going to regret it and wouldn't want to be friends with me again."
I looked up at him. This was a side I had never imagined El possessed. The uncertain side. The side which had resigned to be turned down by another person.
"Why?" I asked him. I had to find a way to lighten the mood. To help him retain the composure he always had. "Scared I'd think you're terrible in bed?" I tried.
"Hey," El turned to me. "Where has all the shyness you always carried around gone to?"
I laughed looking away from him.
"I know my size and skill. It's impossible to say I'm terrible in bed." He reminded me.
"Is it?" I teased him.
"Isn't it?" His hand crept up my thigh under the blanket.
"Oh, stop it," I took his hand from under the blanket.
"My mouth is pretty good too." El brought his face down to mine. "And I'm not sure which one it was that made you faint last night."
My eyes widened before I felt heat rise up my face. I burrowed into the blanket. "Stop it."
"Alright." He replied. "I prepared something for breakfast. Come down and have it with me."
"Sure." I replied. I wasn't feeling so terrible by then.
"Come on."
"I need to get dressed."
"And?"
"Aren't you going to leave first?" I looked up in time to see him smile.
"Why would I? I've seen more of you than you have yourself." He snorted.
"El!"
"Don't shout at me, damn it." He said rising and leaving the room. "One minute. You can even come down naked, I don't mind having you for breakfast instead."
I sighed loudly. What the fuck have I done. I hanged my head.
.....
"Dawn," I said when she took my call.
'My love,'
"Where are you?" I asked.
'In the lab.'
"I'm at the main gate. Please come get me."
'I knew you were around. You only call me when you finally come to school.' Dawn said from the other end. 'Where had you disappeared to?'
"I've been coming to school," I lied. "I just haven't been calling you."
'Liar,' She said and I could imagine her chubby face as she said it, which made me smile. 'You're unable to make your way around campus without your hand hooked on my arm.'
"I'm a big girl now, I can." I told her quickly adding with a little lough "Sometimes. Anyway what are you doing in there?"
'I'm trying to finish my assignment. Have you done it?'
"No, that's why I came to school." I sighed aloud making few students turn their heads. "Please come get me. Then we'll complete it together. Deal?"
'Just come to the computer lab on the second floor.'
"I can't..." I changed my voice such that it sounded like a begging toddler's. "I don't know where that is. I'll get lost."
'Just get into the main building.' Dawn told me. 'I'll direct you. I'm already logged in and I don't want to log out. We're not allowed to leave the computers on, you know that.'
"No I don't know. Come on Dawn. Everyone is looking at me. I'm shy."
'Shy? If it was those boys from the club you'd be batting your eyes at them.' Came her voice.
"Excuse me, I'm taken. What boys?" I asked. "Also I don't usually have to do anything to attract them. They come on their own. Anyway, just come get me. I'm getting scared now."
'You're acting like a little kid. You're a college girl now, a grown ass woman.'
"Nope, I'm just a big baby. I think I'm here by mistake."
'Where exactly are you? I can't see you anywhere.'
"I'm at the main gate. Still outside the campus."
'I'm here but I can't see you. Are you hiding behind cars?'
"Not really," I said as she came in sight. "Dawn, over here!" I waved my arms at her.
'You're shouting at the top of your lungs after you've told me you are shy.' She said before she ended the call.
"You're finally here." I hugged her when she reached me.
"If I wouldn't have come someone would have been hiding under a car by now." She took my hand and hooked it on her arm and led me through the gate.
"And we don't want that now, do we?"