Madison~~
He was my family.
He was my only.
My first.
My love.
My home.
...But he is no more.
The only family I have now is my mother, and Whitney being my unbiological sister and all. But my mother is my mother, she will always be extra special to me. It's just us now.
"You must be thirsty, do you want some tea sweetheart?" My mother asks walking towards the small kitchen area in her room.
"No thanks. I'm all good." Seated on my mom's bed, I take a look around. There's a black and white portrait of Marilyn Monroe on the wall where she's laying on her side, looking fiercely down at me, which makes me wonder if I'm somewhat related to her, ha! I doubt it. We look nothing a like.
Most of the furniture and decorations all throughout her room is purple, giving it a nice warm cozy feel. But then I saw something.
My mother's favorite flowers.
"Who got you those?" I ask pointing at the purple tulips.
"Oh, that? Christian brought it for me." She says while pouring the boiled water in her purple cup. She really likes the color purple.
I frown. "He came here? When? I mean, he never really came to visit you. He said something like too much old people makes him cringe or whatever."
After my mom was done making her warm drink she sits in her single armchair opposite me. "It was really kind of him to bring me my favorite flowers."
"Why is everyone saying that he's kind?" I groan. "There's a reason why I decided to leave him."
"What's the reason?"
There's a slight pause giving me time to think, and I simply say. "I didn't want to to be unhappy anymore." I decide to look away from my mother's brown eyes in hopes of her not seeing the tears forming in mine. "You don't know what he did to me mom."
She places her warm hand on mine. "I won't know because you don't talk to me about it. Maddie, you need to stop bottling up your emotions inside because you're going to explode." She sighs. "Listen to me my child, I'm on your side and I will always be there for you, but one day I hope you find it in your heart to forgive him for everything he has done to you."
I felt a tear slip down my cheek. "I don't know if I ever will."
She smiles warmly. "Then maybe you should forgive yourself first, mhm? You deserve it."
Do I?
Of course I don't.
"Soon I'll get you out of here." I try changing the conversation.
"Here? This is my home now, and I think Larry from down the hall likes me. The other day he told me about his favorite records to slow dance to. He's so sweet."
I couldn't help but smile. "Oohh, my momma is inlove. Tell me more about this Larry guy."
My mother rather takes a sip from her tea instead.
I laugh. "It's fine, you don't have to tell me."
"You're correct, I shall not say a word. Anyway, so how's work?"
I fall back on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. "I took some time off, I just need a break from everything. But I do miss those little rascals."
"I think it's great you're taking some time off. You need to be in good shape to teach those precious imaginationary minds. Being a teacher is a gift."
I nod. "Yeah, it is."
I start thinking about the time when I was in university studying educare and child psychology, and there I met a business management student, Christian Hyde. I shouldn't have tripped. After a while of getting to know each other, we started dating. And boy, I wish I knew what I was in store for.
He supported me and I did the same for him. We moved in together, got married, and wanted to start a family. But now the family part seemed like a sick joke laughing in my face. To be honest, everything felt like one big comedy show, but in this case the jokes isn't as close to funny. They are tears and heartbreak.
I just wanted one of my own so bad.
Suddenly there's a slight knock on the door. And in comes Sahra, one of the caregivers here at the Senior Facility Home. She smiles when seeing my mother.
"Oh, I'm sorry for interrupting you Mrs Monroe, but the others are playing bingo downstairs and asks if you'll be joining them."
"Uhm." My mom thinks for a moment looking at me.
"No, its alright. I need to get going anyway. Got a date with myself." I say getting up.
I kiss my mom on the cheek goodbye. "I love you, mom. See you tomorrow again."
"I love you too my Maddie." She smiles.
"Enjoy your bingo."
...
Heading up the stairs of my apartment building, I open my bag fumbling in my bag searching for my key. As soon as I step in the short hallway of the second floor I'm getting closer to my front door, but I stop dead in my tracks when I see...
"Christian?" I frown.
Leaning against my door, he turns to me frantically. "Madison, I-"
"What are you doing here?"
He tries to come closer to me but I step back. I notice that he's in a dark grey suit with he's tie slightly loose showing that he just came from work. But it's already pass eight, did he wait for me this whole time?
"I just wanted to talk to you. Please Maddie." He begs.
"Don't call me that." I move pass him, grab my key and open the door. "You need to leave."
I step inside my dark apartment that doesn't feel like home and hastily try to shut the door, but he stops it from closing with he's foot.
"Please? I just want to talk, that's all." He asks in a low voice.
I shouldn't.
I can't.
...But he was my home. My family.
I let out a shakey breath while closing my eyes, convincing myself to not let him in, because what if he tries to hurt me again? I don't want to be hurt again, but sadly, my heart is still with him.
So, I let go of the door and he opens it wider. He enters and I close the door behind him not locking it yet.
I turn on the lights and don't make eye contact with him as I walk towards my bedroom, where I take off my blue jacket and place my bag on my bed.
I enter the living where I see he's already seated. "What do you want? Huh? You want your thirty-five thousand dollars back?" I fold my arms.
He frowns. "What? No, it's not that. I just-"
"Christian, you can't do this."
I hear him sigh deeply. "I just miss you." He says not looking me in the eye. "So much, Maddie."
"Now you miss me? Now that we're divorced?" I question, "I don't think you understand what it means that we're over."
I walk to the kitchen because I don't know where to go, I just don't want to be near him.
He goes silent, so I continue. "It's only been two weeks and you've been calling me and texting me non-stop. Oh! And don't forget the fucking flowers you got my mom. We're over, get that through your thick stubborn skull."
He faces me. "Can you really stand there and tell me you feel nothing for me anymore? That you don't love me?" I don't answer him, as I'm at a lost for words. "Who are you trying to fool, baby? Me or yourself?"
I look at him with wide eyes. Did he seriously just ask me that? Did he come here to talk things out, or to question my love for him hoping he's words would win me over?
I sigh. "What's the point of you being here right now? What do you want to talk about?"
"I understand why you did it." He says.
"What do you mean?" I take a seat on the kitchen island stool.
"I understand why you wanted a divorce, Madison." He continues and I hope he truly understands why I did it. "Because I'm a fuck up, I wasn't there for you when you needed me and it's my fault for what happened, and I'm-"
"Stop talking! just stop it." I yell out. "You don't understand anything! What? Do you think now that you can just come in here and ask for forgiveness?" I scoff. "No, Christian, no." I gently bite my lower lip, trying to calm my nerves down.
After a moment of silence, he asks. "Did I really hurt you that much?"
I couldn't say anything, so I just nod while a few tears trickles down my cheek.
He stands up and slowly makes his way over to me, and then gently placed the palm of his hand on my cheek and I slightly flinch at his touch, brushing the tears away with his thumb he says.
"I'm sorry." For the hundredth time. "I'm so sorry." But he says it like he means it. "I just wanted to make sure you were safe and I still do, because I still love you Madison."
I finally look up at him and see his wet brown eyes. And I still love you too.
In a flashing moment he comes down and kisses me fiercely, and in the heat of the moment I wrap my arms around his neck. He lifts me up from the stool and onto the kitchen counter still with our lips connected to each other.
He wraps his arms around me, grazing his fingers against the clasped of my bra while his between my legs.
But with my hands on his chest, I gently pull back, realizing that this was a mistake.
"You need to leave." I say against his plump lips slightly out of breath.
He looks at me frowning and pulls back his hands. "Uh, I-" He scratches the back of his head awkwardly. "Yeah, I'll leave."
He heads to the door but stops and faces me again. "I meant what I said. I still love you and I don't think that'll ever change. You'll always be mine."
"Too bad it has to, so that we both can move on." I say getting off the counter. "We weren't meant to be."
He takes a threatening step closer to me and the soft gentle look in his eyes now gone, he says. "You'll be begging on your knees for me to take you back darling, don't get it twisted. You know you need me, all you have to do is come back to me."
"I'd rather die than go back to you."
He smirks. "We'll see about that."
Sighing, "Don't forget to lock your door. You don't want your demons to enter, now do you?"
"Just fucking leave already, and don't come here again."
After looking at me for a few seconds he finally turns around and leaves.
Did he just kiss me?
Why did I let that happen?
Why did I do that?
"Aghh." I groan, while vigorously wiping off my lips with the palm of my hand.
I hate him so much.
Or love him?
Fuck, I don't know anymore.