Pain.
Unimaginable soul-rending pain.
That was the last thing i remembered when i came to on a white hospital bed.
That being, sam or whatever, did something to me, i can still feel the phantom pains all over my body.
Slowly i open my eyes, my vision is blurry and still feeling throbbing pain all over my face, i try to look around.
The room hasn't changed from the brief cryptic conversation from before.
The same black and white themed corner office, the same ferns. Even sam was there, sitting at the marble desk but now with the laptop open. He was typing vigorously about god knows what but from his heightened focus i think it probably really important.
I tried sitting straight and when i did, sam looked up from the screen and gave me a soft smile.
"How are you feeling?", he said.
"Better", i said groggily. I looked at myself and imidiately a strong, primal fear.
During the previous conversation, i wasn't in my own familiar body. I had a feature-less humanoid body that gave a really intense light but it didn't bother me or sam at all for some reason. Back then, i didn't fully understand my situation and I still don't but at least my body looked fine, even if it was totally foreign.
But now, the light was gone and what was left was a crystal clear body. I looked like a man made of glass, only that every inch of my body was covered with thin cracks. They munbered in the thousands, tens of thousands even.
Throbs of pain of light-to-medium intensity were felt from the cracks, like i was bursting at the seams.
The more i looked at them, the greater the feeling of intense existential dread filled my entire being.
"S-sam, what is happening to me?" I said shakingly but calmly this time.
Strangly enough, even if i'm feeling far greater dread and fear than before, I'm not freaking out right now.
Looking back at it, i was acting in a pretty unreasonable way. I mean, yes, this wjole situation if straight out FUBAR but at least i have someone to try and explain things to me. In hindsight, this could have been so much worse. For example, i could have been thrown into an eldritch abyss, infested with horrifying monsters and a whole lot of questions for all i know.
Compared to that, my FUBAR scenario is pretty low difficulty all things considered.
But anyway, this situation is morbidly humorous, like a patient asking his cardiologist about that strange big lump near his heart that looks like a stage-4 carcer.
Hearing my words, Sam gave me a sad smile and sighed.
"I guess it's somewhat my fault that i didn't explain things clearly last time , didn't i?" He said.
Sam reclined on his chair and said, closing his eyes "I've got good and bad news, which do you want to hear first?".
Steeling my heart, i said "give me the bad one first, i need to know".
Opening his eyes again and with a listless expression, he said "I'll remind you that i can read your thoughts and your analogy isn't exactly wrong here. While you don't have stage-4 carcer because you don't have a body, you have the astral equivalent of one. your soul, your very being, is experiencing soul rupturing".
I stayed silent. He did mention something about my soul rupturing before. let him continue.
"You need to Understand, this is something that only happened twice in all of existence and it happened to divine beings only. It was only theorized to occur in mortal souls as well but the implications of it actually happening were never tested, and for good reason to. For all we know, a mortal soul experiencing soul rupturing will cease to exist all together".
If i wasn't a glas-man, i would've paled whiter than that marble desk he was sitting on.
"How bad is it?"
"Pretty bad" he said.
"To first understand your situation, you first need to know what 'soul rupture' is. So the thing is this: souls don't have a fixed form, which is how you can reincarnate - yeah reincarnation is real, it's part of my schtick - into different beings; once a human, now a sheep or a cow or even a rhino beetle, anything goes. This unique trait of the soul makes it very resilient so that even in death, while the vessel perishes, the soul remains, leading it to the afterlife and from there to it's new vessel and a new journey."
I was so engrossed in the conversation that before i knew it, i was sitting in the opposite chair, a silver trey with a tea pot and two porcelain teacups. Sam poured us a strange silver brew. It smelled of almonds.
"Please" he said, handing me the cup.
"It's my own blend, should help you calm the soul".
I thanked him and took a sip. Imidiately felt a rush of energy flowing through me. The change was so drastic that it felt like i took an adrenaline shot instead of a cut of tea.
After the energy surge came clarity, my emotions were pushed to the backburner and my thoughts became more rational.
"Good", sam said. "It looks like the brew is taking effect. This special blend is made is the purpose of calming the soul and gaining clarity to make more sound decisions. From this point on i'll be talking about hard to stomach subject so it is imperative that you stay calm and don't freak out and worsen your condition".
I gulped, remembering the last freakout i had in this room and the pain that felt like i was losing my very being. Losing control of my emotions now could be fatal.
Sam frown abit and continued, "As i was saying, souls are malable and resilient by nature but sometimes souls suffer trauma. This could be from a traumatic event from a previous life, an attack dealt directly at the soul or damage during reincarnation. When a soul travels through the afterlife and goes back to the cycle of reincarnation, several steps need to occur.
First is to pass through the well of oblivion. This well extracts, grinds and extracts your life experience, leaving a PURE soul to pass on to the next, without memories. This helps to transition into your next life as you wouldn't feel comfortable suddenly living in another person's body, let alone a different species. On rare occasions, when a soul stays too long in the well, critical parts of the soul's core are eliminated. This happens rarely but the damage is small enough that the soul's natural regenerative properties patches this up.
The next step is the transfer itself. To pass from the afterlife to your next life, space-time creates a tunnel for you to go through. This part is damaging to all soul types, excluding divine souls of course. When a soul passes through to a new body, the soul and the vessel integrate to one another, physically changing your cellular structure to accommodate the new malable soul, but because of the damage done by space-time travel, the body runs on 'safety mode' until the soul recouperates. This is why most people can't remember their younger years until the soul stabilizes."
Sam takes a short break to drink the brew and for me to collect my thoughts.
I look at him pondering about what sam told me. "So there are many ways in which the soul can get damaged but a fail to see your point. Which is it in my case?".
Placing the cup down, sam replies "From my professional point of view, all of the above".
"Like I've said before, the soul is RESILIENT. Normally, the damage is negligible so it's not an issue, but theoretically, when a soul suffers frequent trauma without a sufficient healing phase, the damage accumulates and a crack forms. Previously I gave the analogy of stage 4 cancer, if we divide the phases, stage 1 is called soul brousing and it's the regular damage that souls goes through. Not dangerous but definitely unpleasant.
Stage 2 is when the crack forms and later propagates which we'll call soul fissuring. Souls in this stage are more susceptible to negative emotions, depression, personality disorders and suicidal behaviour, worsening the conditions. It could explain some of the damage done to you."
"It can't be, I know I'm not suicidal", i said frowning.
"That's the thing, you don't know. Being here gives you some privileges that regular souls don't have. Remember before when you freaked out and I opened your seal? The soul will try anything to protect itself, even sealing your traumatic memories during reincarnation when the soul is at its weakest. What i did to you before was to try and open the seal to better understand your condition, i knew that you were at stage 2 but I didn't know how bad it was. Just opening the seal in this office caused you to almost go straight to stage 3. If I hadn't stopped it in time, you would've ceased to be."
Okay, if before i was confused and scared, now I'm absolutely horrified. Learning that you are a split second away from extinction instilled existential dread like i never new was possible. I don't know if I succumbed to nihilism or if this is another effect of that strange silvery brew, but i went through a mariad of emotions before reaching acceptance.
Sam or samsara, is probably a high ranking god or OB that spetialize with souls. According to his previous behaviour, he doesn't have a lot of visitors... No, not visitors, he did say that other high ranking beings were seeing him from time to time. Maybe patients is more of a correct term here. My case is pretty unique, with three total cases in the entire history of existence. So perhaps I'm just another challenge, something to break the monotony of eternity, something new to be involved in or something.
Mauling over my thoughts, sam continued "stage 3 is also the the name of the condition 'soul rupture'. It's the final known phase and the end of a soul in it's entirety. After fragmentation reachs a certain threshold, the soul's vessel can't contain the fragmented pieces no more on the next reincarnation and shatters into trillions upon trillions of pieces which are then scattered throughout space and time. The soul is the embodiment of your sense of self, hopes, dreams, morals, identity and more are stored and interconnected to make you, well, YOU. Imagine living without the spark of life, living every day chasing vestiges of your former self. People are driven to madness for far less than that."
I blanched at the thought. I stared at the cup and took a swig to calm my nerves, "so what you are saying is that i'll be tormented with past memories, forever questioning who or what i am?"
"No, it's far more than that", crossing his fingers and leaning forward, sam continued "you are thinking too small, still limited to the mortal aspects of things, the mind. This isn't dementia, this is SOUL rupture. What you described will be the best case scenario for you, most likely is that you will cease to exist all together. There is a reason why the divine started calling stage 3 the obliviation phase"
...and here the hyperventilation kicks in. I'm panicking, teetering toward pure mental breakdown. I didn't even realise when sam approached me and laid me back on the bed but slowly and carefully, sam ran his hand on my astral center, calming me almost completely.
"I understand this is a lot to take in on a mortal soul but it's not all doom and gloom", sam slowly supported me into a sitting position as he continues, "first thing you need to understand is that you are still you, soul and all. Even though you are at the late stages of stage 2, as long as you haven't reached actual rupture, any damage caused to your soul can be either reversed or at worse mitigated to a manageable level until we find a better solution" i let out a sigh as tension i didn't know i had left me, "...at least that's how the thoery goes", and it came right back, cranked to 11 and clutched my throat like a paralysis demon.
"CAN YOU STOP THAT!? I know my situation is complicated even without the emotional rollercoaster you're putting me through! Do you get some sick satisfaction from acting like this to a person with terminal SOUL CANCER!?"
Sam jumped back a little from my outburst only to scratch the back of his head and say "i already said that you are a special case, this only happened 2 other times in known history and never before on a mortal. As for my behaviour, i don't get alot of visitors these days, can you blame me for wanting to get a little fun out of it?" Ending with a shrug and a half smile.
With rising rage bubbling inside me i was going to give him a piece of my mind but he kept talking at his own pace "...and even if this is a first, the theory is sound. Even right now you are healing and mending the cracks just by being in my personal domain, sucking divine energy into your soul"
That made me stop and re-evaluate myself again. Looking back at my soul construct, if before my body was like fractured tempered glass with endless cracks, now a strange black and white ink started to suffuse seemingly out of nowhere from the surface of my body, inward through the cracks, filling the gaps.
I tried focusing on the ink, the weird blend looked like specks of oil in water, as if the starry sky ran through my being. For the first time, i felt like i was part of something bigger than myself, something divine.
I felt whole.
...no... Something is wrong, my thoughts are scattered, i'm losing track of time. I can't remember anything, i don't feel anything.
I'm losing myself.
In a rare moment of clarity, i see the ink for what it truly is. Corrupting, overwriting parts of what makes me myself. Turning me to something else.
Even now, i'm feeling the ink beckons me, telling me to embrace the change as i feel pure power coursing through me.
"W-what did you do to me?" I look back at sam, trying to hold myself in the present, not falling to the euphoric feeling of power that is filling me even now without end.
But i don't see any twisted glee tgat i was expecting. Instead, he frowns back at me "mortals.. you know, from the start i was trying to tell you that i'm help YOU, not taking advantage of your situation in any way, shape or form. What is coursing through you is divine energy of reincarnation, turning you into a demigod. You tried looking at my scriptures before without permission. No one can see my true form and remain intact in body and soul, so my domain is taking over. Given enough time, the divine energy will mend the cracks on its own and heal you completely without you needing to lift a finger.
That is why one of the solutions to stage 2 soul rupture victims is to stay in the divine realm, slowly heal through these own domain".
Even through sam's explanation, i could tell that there is something he isn't telling me. Even now that i'm trying to stay conscious, my thoughts are slow and foggy like i'm moving through mollasis.
Sam sighs, i feel like he is doing it alot in this conversation, "while the mending the cracks through divine energy is the most time and energy efficient, it's also the most costly in your case.
A mortal is fundamentally different from a diety, both in mind and spirit. While you will gain tremendous power though the transition from worldly energy resources such as mana to divide energy, your biology will change as well toward the divine, becoming a god.
Problem is that you are at your core still mortal and will resist the change on a subconscious level. This resistance will introduce apathy into your life. No joy, no sadness, just memories without emotional context. It's a horrible way to live and you will lose your sense of self, become an automated subordinate god of reincarnation under me."
The more he talks, the more the corrupting power of reincarnation is taking hold. At this point, I'm visablly angry, "then why are you doing this!? I thought you wanted to help me!"
"It is to help you!" Now shouting, "don't you get it? You are last stage 2, very late! No Matter what you say or do, you will perish through another cycle!" Sam keeps himself level. "Reincarnation is the act of rebirth, this is my domain. You need this, you need PROTECTION. Right now, divine energy is seeping between the cracks in your soul, acting as adhesive in case of a rupture. At this point, the energy is just filling the gaps, the conversion haven't even started yet. Your goal is a 2% conversion. at that point, you will receive a minor blessing. Although giving this blessing would have been less invasive if you had a body, acting as a medium, you can't cry over spilled life nectar. Me explaining to you about your situation and distracting you in the process is just killing three phoenixs in one bolt."
Sam crosses his hands and gives me a look that speaks of his determination to make this work for me, with a hint familiarity that I don't quite understand. "This is risky and it can be fatal, but as long as you persevere, this could be a boon for you."
"Do you have more of that tea?"
"I thought you would never ask." sam poured more from a seemingly empty pot. "So as you understand by now, staying here isn't an option, but what can help you is, ironically, to reincarnate. Specifically a world with high spiritual energy."
My eyes widen at the implication.
"You don't mean-?!"
"That's right, you're getting the isekai treatment".