Su-Jin's whole body tensed up, while mine would prefer to shrink so that nothing could be seen.
I didn't allow myself to pull away from him, even though I really wanted to, but the idea of my whole body on display didn't really appeal to me.
The desperate situation I was in called for a desperate act, and so my hand ended up as a barrier between his eyes and the surroundings within a few moments. Though I had no clue what to do next.
His sudden sharp intake of breath was replaced by his chaotic recoiling, which brought him within a few inches of me.
However, when his gaze began to spontaneously move from the wall behind me to me, he closed his eyes abruptly and his hands swiftly reached for my waist, by which he yanked me back to his chest.
This time it was me who let out a sharp breath.
At that moment, my brain was busy processing the touch of both his palms on my bare waist, right above my protruding hip joints.
Despite the fact that he was unusually not wearing his metal rings, the coldness of his hands penetrated my skin. And I didn't know if the chills that appeared on my body several times today were from that or from him.
His mumbling could be heard faintly above me, to which frown appeared on my forehead.
I tried to raise my head to maybe better understand what he said, but as soon as my attempt begun, one of his hands rapidly reached top of my head and pushed my forehead against his t-shirt.
My arms were bent at the elbows as my forearms were pressed against my chest so that I wouldn't touch him directly with my bare chest.
,,Don't move, Millie. I'm serious." With that, he tried to consolidate the position in which I couldn't look him in the face, nor move away from him.
His muscles relaxed slightly in relief when he acknowledged I didn't intend to go against his words.
,,Let me regain my rationality."
There was a silence broken only by many drops hitting the tiles. Su-Jin's clothes were getting more and more soaked with the water from my body and hair.
In addition to my erratic heartbeat, I managed to catch a glimpse of a pile of new clothes lying on the cabinet by the sink.
I subconsciously wanted to take a step back again, but his grip only got stronger.
His message was clear to me, I didn't want him to see me fully naked either. At the very least, I had to put something on if I didn't want to risk it even in the near future. My brain had to send a regular reminder to my heart that Su-Jin wasn't holding me in embrance. He held me in this place in order to avoid looking at me naked.
Unexpectedly, his hand travelled the length of my spine and back, which perplexed me enough that I actually looked into his eyes a few seconds later. He didn't care this time.
Then it occurred to me that I might have misunderstood the whole situation. It seemed to me as if I detected in his gaze something along the lines of determination.
In the midst of all this rollercoaster of emotions, the realization of the very intimate state we'd gotten ourselves into...actually, I'd gotten us into, began to dawn on me.
Eventually, I could no longer bear his piercing gaze, and again my palm ended up pressed against his eyes.
,,What you're trying to do makes sense to me, but if you keep that hand there any longer, I think you're only going to make it worse."
Su-Jin's choice of words was always exceptional in some way, but my hand didn't move even after this sentence.
,,What else could I possibly make worse?" I posed a question more out of irony than curiosity.
It was his simple answer that surprised me then.
,,My ability to control myself."
In my gaze, I focused on the lower half of his face, as the upper part was still covered by my palm.
And when that answer came from his lips, my heart released a swarm of butterflies into my belly.
This confused my feelings even more, since until that moment I considered the butterflies in stomach to be a sign of discomfort that occurred in unpleasant situations when there was a threat of my embarrassment or collapse.
And maybe both were happening right now.
Yet forth present I didn't consider it was the same as before for some reason.
,,Just let go of me and I'll get dressed." I suggested seeing no other way out. It should have been done after the first touch.
,,If you were to step away, I'd behold you." It sounded like a warning from his mouth, which I was jibed for. My efforts to suppress it have failed.
Almost insulted, I removed my hand from his eyes and tried to wriggle out of his arms again. However his grip didn't loosen even for a second.
A frustrated huff was fighting its way out of me.
,,Would it really be that disturbing? That sight of me?"
This slipped out before I could stop myself.
It annoyed me. He held my naked body to him so tightly that my breasts almost became a pancake, but it was hard for him to even glance at me for a moment.
Has he seen me before?
Was my body so repulsive to him that he doesn't want to risk actually a single look?
All my life I've focused on the opinions of others and now it has probably backfired on me. In the past, I've not been able to influence it, and I can't do that this time either.
,,I thought you got it. You seemed to understand the very moment my palm touched your skin." A vertical crease formed between his brows as he looked into my face with a frown on his.
,,Let me go, Su-Jin." I stood my ground.
During a brief lull, I realized again that the shower was still running, but the pleasant steam was missing. The air also started to cool, which made the pile of clothes on the sink even more inviting.
,,All right." Su-Jin nodded, to which my body tensed in anticipation.
,,Only for now." He then added as he loosened his hands from my waist.
,,Turn around, please." I said before one of us could pull away from the other.
He obeyed me without a word, his gaze fixed on the top of the wall. Subsequently his quick steps led towards the door and according to his gait, he wouldn't stop even if I asked him to.
The door clicked shut behind him, while I literally ran to the towel, which was also lying next to the folded clothes, and once I was wrapped in it and thus safely hidden, I returned to the shower to finally turned off the water.
Then I pressed my forehead to the tiles in an attempt to cool my face from the blush and give my heart space to return to its original rhythm.
My only desire at that moment was dreamless sleep.
The fact that I had never received that kind of attention from any other male caused me to not react the way I normally would many times. Taking a break from this chaos and uncertainty was much needed for me. With Su-Jin, I couldn't think a single step forward, everything was improvisation or spontaneity.
Then my mind crossed the light touch that took place between our lips.
Despite all the suppression, this memory found a part of my brain that it bit into and refused to be dragged down to the forgotten moments of my life.
I wanted to sort out my priorities, but as I picked up long-sleeved t-shirt and thick sweatpants with fuzzy socks, my thoughts drifted to my suitcase that Su-Jin had to rummage through to get these clothes.
Well, after my bare breasts were pressed against his chest, I couldn't care less whether or not he saw my underwear and the large package of pads stored there.
Having fully dressed myself, I just put my damp hair into a simple braid so it wouldn't get in the way and headed for the door with a deep breath.
The apartment seemed to be empty, so I wasn't sure if they were both still here or if I was left alone.
Anyway, I was hoping for the first option. I did not like the idea of being alone in one of the apartments of the complex, which stood in the premises where criminals often appeared in various contexts.
Feeling curious, I pressed the doorknob and entered the dark hall, which I then walked to the only room located in my temporary accommodation.
In order to confirm myself, I opened the door as quietly as possible and peeked inside, only to see a peacefully sleeping Ma-Ri stretched almost across the entire width of the modest bed.
I quickly searched the entire room with my gaze, but no one else was there except for the little girl.
With a slightly confused expression, I closed the door again and stepped away from it, trying my best not to make any sound.
,,When she wakes up, there will be no trace of her tears. One of the things I envy children." While speaking silently, Su-Jin stepped closer to me from distance.
,,What are the other things?" A spontaneous reaction slipped out of me again, which I tried to justify by taking a few steps away from him.
After finding my suitcase placed in the middle of the living room, I came to squat down to get a thick, pulled-up sweater out of it.
,,I would love to tell you about them, but first I need-"
,,I need … a little break." I exhaled with my gaze still fixed on the inside of my luggage.
,,Can we be quiet for a moment? Just be here... okay?"
Even if I didn't turn to him, I could definitely imagine the startled expression that settled on his face after my words.
Although my behaviour was unstable, it was clear that precisely he was at the root of it.
No matter how hard I tried to think about anything else, my body for some reason needed to be reminded of the exact moment we were physically closest to each other.
,,I don't think you want me to be quiet, Millie. Neither do I think you want me here before I explain everything to you."
Su-Jin wasn't going to back down and even though I knew he was right, I wasn't going to admit it out loud.
I resisted the temptation to put my face in my hands and close my eyes tightly to get my mind off what I never thought would mark me so much.
,,I do, so please-"
,,Turn to me and tell me what's going on right here." There was no command or bossy tone in it. Well, it was obvious that he really wanted me to comply.
,,Alright." This time it was me who stepped closer to the other. I was aware that what I was about to confess could ultimately have a very unflattering consequence, however, there was also hope that it would solve at least something.
,,The only thing I can think about right now is the retake."
He returned my direct gaze, while his brows were formed into an almost imperceptible frown.
,,Retake?" He repeated that one word, weakening my resolve a bit.
,,I might be wrong, but I don't think the first kiss should look like the one of mine."
And so, there was no going back.
Su-Jin´s expression seemed to darken. I wasn't sure exactly in what sense, but I continued on anyway.
,,For some reason, even after everything that has happened, my mind and body are only preoccupied with this." There was attempt to express myself as clearly as possible.
,, And if I want a retake of that kiss from you, believe me it's at least as startling to me as it is to you." Gradually, I began to hope that he would interrupt me in my monologue.
,,So yes, even though I may not really want to, I need that moment of silence to clean up all the mess in me."