When I realized that the man before was Eun Yi-Jun, my body became frozen. A wave of indescribable emotions flowed through me, and my breathing immediately became haggard.
For what seemed like a long time, we stared into each other's eyes unmoved. His deep dark eyes felt as though they were swallowing me whole. I felt naked and exposed, as overwhelming fear building up within me. Speechless, my throat became dry and my mind blank, to the point that I didn't hear Chan-Yeol's calls of my name.
"Cheolsu….. Cheolsu…. Yah Cheolsu!" Chan-Yeol grabbed my arm, pulling me from my daze.
"Huh… what? ....." I managed to mutter, before I suddenly felt like the room was spinning and all was black.
Confused, I began to open my eyes, the scent of a strong male cologne mixed with a pleasant musty odour, immediately permeating my nostrils. "Hyeong?..." I muttered, thinking it to be Chan-Yeol. But I was mortified to discover I was laying on the floor in the arms of Eun Yi-Jun. Realising my predicament, I jumped to my feet, humiliated by the numerous eyes that looked upon me with concerned.
"wh…what happened?" I questioned lowly, distancing myself as far as possible from Eun Yi-Jun, embarrassment written all over my expression. I couldn't believe that I just fainted in front of everyone, no worst, into the arms of that man. At that moment, I wished nothing more than for the earth to swallow me whole.
Stepping forward, Chan-Yeol checked my condition, "are you okay? do you need to be taken to the hospital?" he asked concerned, checking my temperature with his hand.
Brushing his hand away, I feign ignorance, "…am fine Hyeong… stop making a fuss". I lied, glancing to my right to be instantly met with a hard stare from Eun Yi-Jun. Recoiling, I quickly retracted my gaze, my heart beating uncontrollably fast.
"But Chan-Yeol, can I have five minutes? I'll meet you in the meeting room after I've finished up a few things" I nervously requested, wanting to be alone.
For a moment, Chan-Yeol looked upon me with a concerned expression, "Are sure you're okay, should I have someone bring you something?" he asked, continuing to press me on the issue.
"No am fine, I think am just tired and need some rest" I answered, unnaturally focusing my attention on my computer screen and avoiding all around me.
"Hmm…." he reluctantly agreed, slowly turning his attention to the Eun Yi-Yun. "President Eun, please follow me to our meeting room, my brother will join us shortly". Chan-Yeol, led Eun Yi-Yun out of my office, while I continued to pretend not to notice the other, in fear that I would do something to relieve my identity.
However, As he made his way through the door, Eun Yi-Yun I heard his deep crisp voice of voice rang out, "Nice to meet you, Director Cheolsu".
My heightened state of tension and incapacity to respond prompted me to remain seated before my computer screen until I heard the door to my office close. Instinctively, I clenched my fits to settle my trembling body and racing heart. A sudden feeling of wanting to vomit overwhelmed me, rushing to the nearest bin, I began to violently empty the contents of my stomach.
"Shit!" I swore, collapsing to the floor, limply supporting myself against a nearby wall.
Running my hand through my hair, I felt stupid at my earlier reaction and in front of him, of all people.
It has been nearly twenty years since I was last before him, yet the moment he was before me, I reverted to my ten-year-old self, whose heart didn't know how to control its self. All the anger and blame I had once felt towards him disappeared and replaced with a familiar feeling. A disgusting and dangerous, familiar feeling.
"Cheolsu are you still stuck in the past?" I asked myself, frustratingly banging me head against the wall before stopping to gaze blankly up at the celling. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to cry, memories I have been locked away for years, kept bringing themselves to the forefront of my mind, destroying me mentally. The broken child that I had left behind fifteen years ago and his years of suffering began to awaken in my mind.
Not wanting to break down at the worst time possible, I recalled the words and techniques, I had learnt during my time in therapy. Breathing deeply in and out, I chanted repeatedly in my head. "I am safe, I am loved", until my body became calm.
Pushing myself to my feet, I made my way towards my desk, retrieving my phone and called the one person I knew would give me the relief I needed most at that very moment.
"eomma**" I spoke the moment my call was answered.
"Cheolsu? Why do you sound like that, sweetheart?" the familiar voice of my mother rang out in my ear, immediately comforting me.
Composing myself, I took a deep breath and paused for a moment before replying, "emmm…. Nothing….. I just wanted to hear your voice". I pretended to be okay, not only because I was trying to hide my emotions from her, but I truly felt better just by hearing her voice.
Unconvinced she continued to press, "are you certain, you know you can tell me anything right?" she reassured.
"..… I know mom" a weak smile rose to my lips as I changed the subject, "Anyway, is everything okay at home? How is everyone?" I asked.
Pausing briefly, perhaps because she was contemplating whether to continue pressing the issue or not. I don't know, but I assume she realized that it wasn't best at that moment."Yah, everyone is doing well, though your little brother misses you especially. Apparently am not a good TikToker or something, I don't know." She complained making me chuckle.
"Aren't you a bit too old to be learning TikTok dances?" I joked.
"Oi! Little did you know this old mama of yours can throw it down. There ain't no wrinkles in my knees. The dances you young people do these days are merely silly hand gestures. Let this old Jamaican mama show you a thing or two, and you'll see". She refuted passionately.
"Hahaha!….. Alright, alright, yes, we all know our mother is an undiscovered Jamaican dancehall queen" I laughed uncontrollably.
"And never you forget it" she stated proudly, then checking to see how Chan-Yeol and father were doing. "How is your father and brother? Are they taking good care of you, let me know if they're making do too much work."
Shaking my head, I scoffed as her words, "Mom am almost thirty, am an adult mom, an adult!" I said frustratedly.
"I know, I know," she replied, her tone apologetic, as she tried to explain the reason for her overprotectiveness. "Mom just find it hard, not worry, since you became my son so late, I didn't get to pamper you as much as I wanted." She sweetly spoke, making me feel guilty.
"Okay, okay, you don't have to make it sound like that eomma, I promise I won't complain again". I proclaimed, realising the time and knowing I needed to head into my meeting and face Eun Yi-Yun. "Oh, eomma, I need to head into my meeting now, tell everyone I said hi and love you, bye mom." I said my goodbyes a reluctantly ended the call.
Inhaling deeply, I arose from my seat and adjusted my suit as I prepared myself to face Eun Yi-Jun.
I knew the nervousness, I felt, will not leave me for today, but I would rather not continue to embarrass my family any further. And besides, it's not like he can know who I really am, and therefore I needed not be afraid.
As approached the door of my office, my hand paused on its handle, hesitant I wouldn't be able to pull myself together. Gripping the handle tightly, I closed my eyes and muttered lowly, "Everything's okay Cheolsu, just leave the past in the past and see him as another person. He doesn't know who you really are." I reassured myself, with my last ounce of remaining self-confidence.
Pulling the door open, there was no turning back now.