I laid back on the dock, my bare tailbone and shoulders pressing against the wood that was remarkably cool for such a hot summer night. I focused on my breathing, my stomach rising and falling melodically as I grounded myself, melting into the surface beneath me. I gazed at the sea of stars ahead of me, easily pointing out Jupiter and Orion's belt even through the drunken gloss over my retinas. In the background I could hear faint music seeping out the open windows of the house, yet still could make out the bellowing croaks of bullfrogs and clicky chirps of crickets.
"Jesus I thought you were dead," a familiar male voice called from behind me. I listened as Brendan's footsteps approached closer, not breaking my gaze from the galaxy above me. He sat down next to me and we sat in silence for a good minute. I sighed and turned my neck to look at him.
"Why are men so fucking gross and dumb?" I asked him, half-serious. He let out a sarcastic chortle.
"I ask myself the same damn question every day of my life," he sighed, wrapping his arms around his knees that curled up to his chest.
"Why? You're a man too. Just not gross and less dumb," I smirked.
"Yeah, I guess. But I've had my fair share of shitty experiences with men," he sighed, taking a slow sip of his bottle and peering out into the darkness.
I raised an eyebrow: "You have?"
"Yes, Cass, I'm gay," I tried not to act as surprised as I felt, clearly to no avail. "What? You never met a gay person before?"
"No, no, of course I have," I quickly defended myself. "I just… didn't know."
"Yeah, nobody knows. Well, maybe they do. But I've never told anyone, really. I think that's the first time I ever spoke those words out loud," his voice was flat, not unusual for Brendan, but I could sense a twinge of pain behind them.
"Not even Helena?" I asked. He shook his head silently.
"I dunno why. We've been friends for a decade. But I guess I didn't really accept it as reality until this year," he sighed. "That's kind of what sparked my reaction last night. About Colton and how she defended him."
"Well what did he do?" I questioned, quickly adding: "Only if you want to tell me."
"I saw Colton on a gay dating app," he admitted. I raised another eyebrow, turning my head back toward the sky in an attempt to hide my absolute shock. "And, I dunno, ever since then he's been treating me differently. Teasing me all the time, especially around Eddie. I guess my crush on him is evident." Those words struck a chord within me. He likes Eddie? The Eddie whose tongue was pressed against mine earlier today? The Eddie I could feel my own self developing a crush on? Well, shit, this complicates things, doesn't it?
"If it helps, I didn't notice anything… about your feelings toward Eddie," I choked out.
"Yeah, well, I stopped talking to him, stopped even looking at him. Everything was clearly being fucking analyzed by Colton under a microscope. He made shit so weird."
"I'm sorry Brendan," I comforted him, sitting up and matching his position in solidarity, curling my knees to my chest and hugging my arms around them.
"Nothing to be sorry about," he reassured. "This is just the everyday struggle of a gay man. I'm sorry I was even born this way." I sighed and frowned - those words broke my heart.
"Well, listen, your secret is safe with me," I reassured him. "And I'm not gay, but I know the struggle of liking a man who doesn't want shit to do with me. So, I'm here for you," I told him honestly, ironically speaking of the same man as him. He nodded his head and finished the rest of his beer. We sat again in silence for the remainder of the evening, staring out into the darkness only slightly illuminated by the bright stars above, the bullfrogs and the crickets mocking our emotional pain.
*****
The rest of July went by without incident. The following weekend, Helena and I kept to ourselves, exploring the wooded paths just outside Bell Lake Meadows, swimming in the lake, drinking cheap wine by my firepit, crying about stupid men and childhood trauma. The weekend after, Helena stayed home for her sister's birthday party, and I found comfort in Brendan's presence, riding around on his golf cart each night until the battery died and we had to literally push it back to the charger at his house. Luckily, Brendan wasn't much of a social creature, and I was ok with that. I didn't want to see Eddie, and he made it quite easy, considering he made no attempts in seeing me either. Until the first weekend in August when he decided to have a fire at his house.
"Oh, come on Cass, it'll be fine," Helena whined as we laid in my bed on another Saturday night. "I love you, very very much, but if you let Eddie drag you down, you'll hate yourself for it later."
"Eddie isn't dragging me down," I half-snapped at her. "I'm just not feeling it tonight."
"Oh stop it!" she called my bluff. "I saw you that first weekend! You made a total transformation in the span of 24 hours. You fuckin loved it and you know it." I let out nothing but a frustrated sigh - she was right. "Fine! You don't have to go. But I am going, and Brendan is going, and Kell and Alina and probably even fucking Colton who is the lamest dumb ass on this planet. But, now-" She stopped her sentence abruptly as she stood up and began to march toward the door. "Maybe you're the lamest dumb ass on the planet," she shrugged. I wasn't offended - I know insulting me was her last ditch effort at convincing me. I said nothing. "Alright, I'm going!" she called, walking out my bedroom door. I listened to her footsteps patter down the hallway and stop after a few steps. After a few seconds of silence she slowly crept back and poked her head in through the door frame. "I mean it! Last chance!"
I groaned in frustration but begrudgingly obliged, beginning to stand. She cheered in excitement and grabbed my arm, leading me out the door swiftly. "Hold on bitch! I'm not ready!" I resisted against her surprisingly strong grip.
"Oh yes you are!" she called over her shoulder, still pulling me, now through the french doors into the sunroom. She slipped on her sandals and kicked mine toward me. "You are ready! Who are you trying to impress? Certainly not Eddie, hm? I thought he wasn't dragging you down?" she smirked. I let out a defeated sigh.
"God I hate you, Helena."
*****
"Where the hell is the fire?" Helena asked as we hopped off the golf cart parked on the side of Eddie's navy-sided lake house. I watched as Eddie appeared from his shed with a giant stack of wood cradled in his arms, Colton in tow with only two pieces in each hand. Eddie chuckled softly.
"I had to acquire the help of Mister Eagle Scout here," he replied with a smirk, sloppily releasing the wood in one swift motion onto the metal pit.
"I am not an Eagle Scout," Colton replied matter-of-factly. "Hey, you need to stack the wood in the shape of a pyramid, not like that. And do you have any kindling?" he quickly followed up.
"Example A," Eddie smirked. Colton rolled his eyes and began to neatly stack the wood in true Eagle Scout fashion. "Hey, Cass," Eddie said, peering into my eyes with a soft smile. I gave him a nod and slightly smiled back. I was kind of at a loss for words. Had he forgotten about the night at Colton's? Did he really have nothing to say? He reached next to the fire pit and pulled out a white bottle with a red cap, presumably filled with lighter fluid. He quickly turned back to me, as if an invisible light bulb suddenly appeared over his head. "Cass! I've been wanting to show you something! Come inside for a sec."
I raised an eyebrow, looking over at Helena, who did nothing but shrug confusedly. She nodded her head in approval, however, encouraging me to follow Eddie who had already begun to walk up the stairs to his back door.
I scurried after him.