I groaned, holding my head as I recovered from both being beat up by men three times my size, thrown out by the security guards and a horrible hangover.
"Here you go." Nat handed me a bottle of water as he returned from buying some.
We had found a broken bench down the street from the club, and that was a good enough place to take a breather.
"Thanks." I placed it on my pounding forehead.
"You were great out there buddy, I was starting to think old age has made you soft."
"Bro what?" I raised my gaze to Nat.
He snorted a laugh, and I joined him in what turned into an intense minute of loud stupid laughter, falling into each other. Sud grumbled and our laughter die down as Nat hissed. We had abandoned him on the other end of the bench.
"What are we doing with the idiot?" Nat asked.
I sighed. "Nat... we have to take him home with us."
"Nope." Nat backed away, shaking his head. "We'll find a motel, dump him in it and leave."
"He is practically unconscious."
"And whose fault is that?"
I looked at the bottle in my hand. We remained silent for a few more minutes.
"I can't leave him here. I'm sorry, Nat. I know it's pathetic."
"You're not pathetic, Kit. The only thing that's pathetic here is the idiot. He doesn't deserve to have ever discovered your existence." Nat hissed, kicking a little stone by his foot and we watched it roll away. "I'll go find us a ride." He turned away, walking down the street.
It only took Nat a few minutes to return with a tuk-tuk and we hopped in, carrying Sud along. We stuffed him in between us to prevent him from falling off the ride.
The city never slept, even by 3am, riding through the city was visually pleasing. The street food vendors were still out here and there, the bars and clubs still going at it. I had forgotten what it felt like to ride through the city at night, a result of me cutting off my night life. With my head resting against the body of the tuk-tuk, the warm breeze was free to rustle my hair and shirt as the street lights and neon signs poured against my skin.
***
My brain was still recovering from the alcohol fog when we arrived back home. Nat helped me dump Sud in my bed and quickly returned to his room to take a nap. We only had seven hours until the eco pitch and still needed to do some finishing to our presentation. Just as I had done ten thousand times before, I got a towel and bucket and began wiping Sud clean.
I knelt beside the bed after I was done, just watching him. He still looked very much like the man I had fallen in love with. Like the man who showed up to my office every afternoon with lunch and my favorite drink until I agreed to be his boyfriend.
I wondered if I would've caved that rainy night on the sky train and said yes if I knew about his addiction. Loving an addict feels like stabbing your soul over and over again, knowing fully well it would hurt, but still hoping, still hanging onto that tiny bit of faith that it wouldn't.
When things were good, they really were. And when they were bad, they really were. However, his addiction was not the reason I left. I could have weathered the storm, I think. I was ready to take it all, for the moments of happiness he brought me.
I rose from the floor and joined Nat in his room, squeezing myself into him as I hugged him from behind. I listened to his breathing and snoring—he snored whenever he was exhausted—over the years, I had grown accustomed to it. It didn't take long for sleep to come.
I woke up two hours later to the loud clicking sound of Nat typing on his phone and my head now resting on his chest.
"How come you're up before me?" I asked in a soft groggy voice.
"Got woken up," Nat replied.
I took a deep breath and my gaze traveled to his phone screen. "Is that Grindr?"
"Mmh."
I lifted myself off him with haste. "Nat!"
"I just opened it last night just to see what's good, nothing more. But then this guy messaged me and he's just the sweetest person."
"I don't care how sweet he is, no Grindr; why do you even have it on your phone, we uninstalled it together."
"He is so funny too."
"Nat!"
"Ok ok ok." He closed the app, held down the icon and deleted it. "Happy?" He raised a brow at me, and I nodded. "You should probably go check on the idiot, before he steals your shit and sells it for a hit."
"He has a job, Nat."
"When did that ever stop him from stealing your money?" Nat rose from the bed. "I'll finish the presentation." He moved to the work table in the corner and turned on his laptop.
For a moment I watched him, then got up and left the room.
***
I leaned by the door watching Sud sleep as dawn broke. A ray of sunlight stretched across his face and he moved. The more sunlight poured into the room, the more he woke, grumbling and turning. His eyes opened slowly and met my gaze.
"Kit..." he called in a low soft tone.
"Sawatdee." I moved to the corner of the bed and retrieved a bottle of water, handing it to him as he sat up. "Drink, then leave."
He took it without saying a word and began to gulp. I turned away and he grabbed me by the wrist, still drinking. "Kit—"
"You do not have to thank me, you do not have to say anything." I pulled away from his grasp, walking to the door.
"I looked for you everywhere," he said, stopping me in my tracks. "How could you move on so easily, how could you just walk away."
I scoffed, turning. "The alcohol is almost out of my system, so I know the words I'm hearing leave your lips are not a figment of my imagination. You threw my things out on the streets! You left me in the rain! For hours!"
"That was not me."
"It is never you! You never hold yourself accountable for anything! It's always the drugs, someone else's fault! Something else you can dump the blame on! Have you ever stopped and taken a decent look in the mirror and thought, maybe, just maybe, you are the reason?"
We held each other's gaze as I took long deep breaths.
He rose from the bed, staggering over to me. "Kit, listen to me... I was getting better. Did you not see me try? Did you not?"
I shook my head. "I want you gone, Sud."
"Are you seeing someone else?"
"I want you gone!" my voice thundered.
"Kit..." he reached for me, cupping my face as he tried to bring his lips to mine. "Look at me!"
The harder I fought to free myself from his grasp, the tighter he held me. Soon he was close enough to kiss me. In all honesty, I was not doing enough to rid me of him. A part of me already began sinking into his pretentious tone of regret, allowing it deceive me, sending me down a part I had walked many times before, a path that only ever left me broken and in tears.
I never fell out of love with Sud, I had to teach my mind to stop loving him. As it turned out, it hadn't fully learnt its lesson.
"Get your fucking hands off him," Nat chastised, standing in the door way. "If you don't, believe me, I'll cut them off and hang them around your neck."
Slowly, Sud loosened his grip around my face and I shoved him, ashamed of myself. Ashamed of how easily I was about to falter.
"You," Sud muttered. "You're the one filling his ears with lies, trying to control him."
"If I could control anything he does, you wouldn't be here." Nat stepped forward. "You'd be waking up in a motel somewhere in a pool of your own vomit— Get your things and get the fuck out."
"Kit—"
"Do what he says, Sud," I said, not looking at him, my gaze pinned outside the window.
I didn't see him leave. I only heard him shuffling around, collecting his clothes and things, followed by his footsteps storming out of the bedroom, then I heard the front door slam shut. I exhaled. I had been holding my breath for too long, afraid if I breathed too loud, I'd let go of any form of restraint I managed to hang on to.
Nat walked up and stood beside me, giving my back a little pat.
"I almost kissed him back, Nat."
"But you didn't."
"I wanted to."
"You didn't, and now he's gone."
I nodded, turning to him. "I keep letting myself down. I don't think I have any strength left in me to be strong, Nat."
"You don't have to be–I'll be strong for both of us." He smiled. I smiled back. "Now come on, we have three hours to get ready."
It was a gloomy morning. In spite of all that happened, I was glad Nat made me spend the night roaming the streets of Silom Soi. It had been too long since I felt that weightless. In a way I was also glad I ran into Sud. He stood as a reminder for why we chose celibacy and it re-fortified that decision for me.
As I took a shower that morning, running it all through my mind: the drinking, the sex performances, the dancing, the hot men undressing me with their eyes, the fight. His face came to me. The beautiful man in the red mask. I was certain he looked right at me, so sure he saw me. I wondered if he admired me in the same way I did him, why else would he smile at me like that? Why didn't he come over? At least, we could have danced. I could have run my hands over his stunningly structured body, covered in glitter and sweat. I swallowed at that thought as my cheeks warmed. I looked down at myself, realizing I was hard, awfully so.
"Fuck," I muttered.
There was no time left to spare to masturbate and I did not want to. Masturbating was a gateway to sex. I hadn't done it in a year. A man I probably would never meet again was not enough reason to break my promise.