Ye sons of bacon bits... If you just skipped to this chapter and skipped 1-6, leave, or go back and read it. You won't be able to understand a lot of the good advice because you missed the foundations for it.
Anyways... we're often told "show don't tell" but never how to do so, right? Well here's what not to do.
The most common forms of telling involve the following words (someone go file a few hundred petitions to add italics, bold, etc. Even wordpad was better than this.)
Was
Is
Were
Are
Begun to
Began to
Can be
Could be
Examples
----- Original
The transmigrator noticed that the sword the knight was using was no longer sheathed and was now coated in green energy.
----- Explanation
Aight, what kind of image did you see, if any image was generated at all? There's no excitement, it's just flat. The boi is supposed to be a lightsaber but it reads like he whipped out a glow stick
----- Revised
The transmigrator noticed that the sword the knight had no longer had its sheath but instead glowed with verdant energy
----- Notes
Not perfect, but much better. This example came from a friend of mine who yeeted his chapters to grammarly, accepted all corrections, then posted it... Each chapter had between 50 to 90 "was" thanks to that.
-----
----- Original
The last time I was awake was at the binding ceremony for me to enter Starfall.
----- Explanation
No one fell asleep yet right? The mc of that sentence just woke up so going to sleep now wouldn't be wise
----- Revised
I remember being at the binding ceremony to enter Starfall before losing consciousness
----- Notes
Look at that smoothness. You could almost see the ceremony and then blacking out.
-----
Ye, so some peeps may be wondering why I didn't go in depth. Quite simple, not much to go in depth on with a sentence (paragraphs are next). Also, it's much, much better to compare the two versions on your own, get a feel for the differing flow, imagery, etc.
No matter how much I teach, most of the work will be done by you, alone. (it's also why I said all that stuff in the synopsis, it drastically lowers efficiency)
Now the paragraphs...
Some notes for context: MC is Cain. Yesterday, Jacob's chest was split open, lungs filleted, heart pierced, rips basically nonexistent, all the gore and blood. The MC healed Jacob yesterday though and these paragraphs is morning after the heal.
----- Original
The sky is dyed red by the rising sun, several howls can be heard in the distance. Cain begins to wake up, disturbed by the noise. 'Seriously… should I just eat all of the wolves in the forest? … I'll consider it if they disturb my sleep again.' He thinks as he tosses in his bed of leaves, eventually going back to sleep.
Jacob rises abruptly, troubled by the familiar howls. His hands move fast, checking his wounds. To his surprise they've been completely healed, not even scars remained. He examines his surroundings, discovering the floor of their carriage had been stained in blood. The canvas and frame were replaced by sturdy roots.
He gets up slowly and exits the carriage, shaking it violently, causing one of the worn down axles to break. 'How are we going to pay for these damages…?' He thought as he looked into the root cave. There sat a strange man wearing even stranger clothes, grumbling about being woken up too soon.
----- Notes
Yeesh... ik this is my own writing but heck this. Anyways, pray for my brain cells, explanation comes after revision. The original is a 4, 4.5 max
----- Revision
The rising sun dyed the sky red, echoed by bloodied howls from the forest. Cain slowly woke from his slumber, interrupted by the constant noise. 'Seriously… should I just eat all of the wolves in the forest? … I'll consider it if they disturb my sleep again.' He rolled around in the bed of leaves, trying to find that sweet spot once more before drifting back to sleep.
Meanwhile, Jacob rose abruptly from within the carriage, the familiar howls rang throughout his rib cage. His hands flew across his chest and sides to check his wounds. His chest rose and fell erratically; not a single scar remained, as if it never happened. His eyes awoke from the fantasy of death as reality washed away everything logical.
The tank turned around lethargically, gradually accepting the changes. The torn canvas had been replaced by thin, near transparent leaves. Multiple roots entangled the wooden posts that remained and replaced those that didn't. His hands supported his back as he twisted his body and tried to peek at the coach's bench; but an odd, crusty substance that slid under his fingers halted his movements.
Jacob brought them into his view, rubbing the dried red substance between his thumb and forefinger. Recognizing it as blood, he eyes flickered to its source. The untouched area within the bloodied planks shook him greatly, for that was where he laid moments before.
His vision blurred and his head wobbled; the realization that yesterday was not a dream finally set in.
His massive breaths stirred the small splinters and torn cloth to life; clouds formed and fell in tune with his breaths. The lack of pain in his chest furthered his panic attack, giving rise to a slight phantom pain. One thought echoed in his mind as his surroundings distorted: 'How did I live?'
A few minutes passed until Jacob's breath stabilized, his mental state slowly overcoming the initial shock. He took deep breaths while casting several water balls to clean his back and hands from the dry blood. After preparing to face the being that saved him, he shakily exited the carriage, lowering his foot onto the steps behind it.
Jacob's hands flew to the mangled posts nearby as his heart followed the backside of the carriage that dropped nearly a meter. The worn down axle could no longer work like it used to before and it could no longer support Jacob off his feet.
'How are we going to pay for these damages…?' He reflexively thought while cautiously stepping onto the ground. Jacob nearly chuckled madly, but suppressed it the moment he recognized people nearby: his party who still slumbered on. 'Hah… I nearly lost my life and here I am worrying about money. Get it together, Jacob!
'At least they are safe…' He drifted into the cave, his eyes focused on his party members' state, not noticing the unknown man who sat near the campfire.
----- Explanation
:hellmo: Look at that imagery in the first sentence. I can almost picture the bloody sunset on the horizon. And all those paragraphs about Jacob? Do you feel his PTSD? :chefskiss:
Anyways, revised boi is a 7.8-8.4, not enough snacks at the moment but ye.
Also, your writing doesn't HAVE TO BE in past tense. It's just recommended since that's what readers are familiar with and it takes a decent amount of skill to change tenses since it involves controlling the flow of the paragraph and the speed at which readers read it.
There's only 2 cases of me using the common telling phrases in the original but it's a 4... go figure out the answer yourself (The tenses is not the answer)
Go through the revision and see how many times I repeated a verb, noun, adjective, or adverb that's not a name. Synonyms are essential, but proper use of them is more so since each word contains emotional sentiment, connotation, with it.
Heck means hell fuck, but is used like crap. It doesn't even carry half of the negative connotation of hell or fuck. That's how much the connotation can affect words so ye.
----- Synonym and Connotation usage
1. "His vision blurred and his head wobbled"
2. "His vision blurred and his head vibrated"
3. "His vision blurred and his head faltered"
4. "His vision blurred and his head vacillated"
----- Explanation
The intended message is that wobbling/swaying feeling when you stand up too fast or are about to faint.
2's meaning isn't even close to the intended message; the implied movements are too small and fast. Also if your head vibrates, go see a doctor.
3's meaning is too "big." Faltered is a word used for large objects falling or momentarily losing balance, not a head. Faltered is often a one time thing, the intended feeling never occurs once, but is recurrent for a few times.
4... ain't nobody know that word on wn. This is where your intended audience comes into play. If it's general wn audience, then don't use 4. If it's a well read audience, then with some tweaking, ye. But you'd have better reception on other platforms because mtl killed everyone's brain cells here.
Notes: This is just one word too... The only ways you can get familiar with this are practice, or reading a page of a dictionary everyday. Using a thesaurus also helps tremendously. Or you could go bug your native english friend.
(for those curious, this chapter is just under 1500 words)