It was all moments that I dreaded to end or something of that sort. Leniey was keeping a distance, glancing at me from the corner of his sofa set as Kelvin and I had some serious conversation. As I had said earlier, Kelvin and I personally, we were already done. I was barely in the mood to talk with him about mending our relationship. It had already become trial and error, to the extent it was already unamendable, unfortunately. Kelvin had given me things and statements he had once said when drunk, like calling people names and such, with which he actually never meant. Okay, all of this Kelvin stated, but in the back of my mind, I knew... I had the idea that everything a man states in his drunken state means everything he has always wanted to say the whole time. Things he could never state to a person while sober. The reason why most people confess to their loved ones when drunk. I knew, and apologies for using men only, even women of that sort. I know when I'm drunk I say crazy words, crazy things, and blurt out anything that comes to my mind. I remembered calling Kelvin 'Lenies,' which was another reason for Kelvin's insecurity, but this reason seemed to have faded away, for he does not remember it quite often, like the instance where I grabbed my phone from his hands as he wanted to check the person who was calling me.
"So what have you agreed on?" Leniey asked in the middle of the silence that had chimed in for about an hour or two, as we both contemplated all this, maybe looking outside or just lost in our thoughts, but not in the phone. I know no one can imagine just sitting for an hour thinking, doing nothing, just thinking... all this was as crazy as that. I did not want to fall into another of Kelvin's manipulation techniques; I was barely in the mood for such. I just wanted to go home. I literally wanted to go back to Birmingham, and I wished I could just take out my phone and text Eva to come pick me up. For heaven's sake, as it is, I know Eva would be surprised hearing that my ex was the judge of the wrangles and problems happening between my boyfriend and me.
"Unless Angel states her part, I guess I have said mine," Kelvin stated, looking at me directly in the eye as I tried to avoid the question. When I met Leniey's sharp eyes telling me to continue answering, I sighed.
"I can't be with you, Kelv," I started but couldn't finish with the way he suddenly raised his face.
"What do you mean? I don't understand," he answered.
"I can't. You and I cannot work out," I replied.
"You aren't serious, are you?" He asked again, as if in denial or something of that sort, then continued, "Where will you find someone loving like me, darling? I'm rare, trust me," he added. The last statements left me thinking. Did he think I was not capable of directing all the love to another one, or was he trying to manipulate me into believing that no one in this world, absolutely no one, would treat me the way he treated me? Maybe he wanted to show me, or rather he wanted me to believe, as other girls do in a relationship, that only he can save me, love me, or do something for me. Of course, I knew people are distinct and rare in this world, but having Kelv say those words made my blood boil, certainly.
"Why? Do you think I can't find a man like you? Am I not deserving?" I asked, pressing what he had said earlier.
"It's not about deserving; it's about who is ready to treat you and accept you with your flaws," he replied.
"What do you mean?" I asked, suddenly feeling degraded. Why would he think... what?... does he think I have so many flaws that no man would stand listening to, or does he think I'm quite a bitch, so deserving love would never happen in case I leave him and go to another man?
"You are saying we break up, Angel," Kelvin stated, steadily looking at me as if searching for answers to his questions in my eyes.
"Yes," I stated and continued, "and I'm quite serious." Of course, he knew I was serious. I was never the type to bring up unserious conversations, especially in things that talked about us. I had never actually brought up any conversation about breaking up since the first time we dated…. I had never... we would be sad with each other, be mad at each other, but it never occurred to me to just blurt out the words, 'let's just leave it at that' or 'I can't do this anymore,' or something like 'it is not you; it's me.' I had never said such words to him. I used to maybe say them when rejecting guys, but I had never literally told him such words. Even Leniey, I had never told him anything. I remember his last text with me before I left for London was a goodnight and 'take care' with a love emoji. And before I left the plane, I remember texting him 'take care' again and 'I miss you' with a crying emoji. I had never ended things with Leniey. I dreaded the day I would end things with him. I felt if I ended things, it would not be easier for us to get back together. I had never actually thought that he wanted me back, or rather he would ever want me back, but I hoped he would just remember me with those words. I remember that night packing my clothes; I was thinking about him all through, everything I hid from him, even the fact that when differing, I had not told him. It was something I am sure he had taken as a very hard pill to swallow.
Kelvin was still watching me, his breathing steadily up and down, and his thoughts maybe wild or something. "I can't lose you," he stated in his dominant tone, "we are moving to your next, I will stick around, I don't care." He added with an uncaring attitude, and for the first time, I felt scared of his words.
"You aren't serious, are you?" I asked, hoping he was not really serious because God knows he was being weird, honestly. When I saw him squint his eyes, something he always did with me when I asked for a true conversation, "So you are serious," I stated, looking at Leniey to see his reaction. Leniey then looked at me, and suddenly, everything I had felt earlier about him came back. I'm not sure how it did, but I somehow felt like staring at him for a while. I wanted to, and I knew he knew I wanted to because he was eyeing me with statements like, 'no, not here.'
"Leniey won't help," Kelvin indulged and continued, "just know, I am not leaving you. You'll have to kill me first before leaving." Was he just speaking or was he just being insane?
"Kelv, I …" I suddenly had nothing to say. My mind had gone blank, my heart racing, and I felt what Kelvin was trying to convey by all of this. I wished to see his eyes tear or turn red, but they were bloodshot and scary, glaring at me. Suddenly, what do I say? Do you know how it feels when someone is being serious, and they're just stating words that are not understandable without them thinking? That's how I felt. Kelvin was a part of my heart, but I was sure in a snap, I could switch him off and forget about him in case just one person would come in. I hoped this would be easier; I hoped this statement would be easier for him and me. I was not in the mood for hurting one another, especially knowing that one way or another, I would still hurt him. Especially if he came to know the guy with whom all this was set in motion was the person who was sitting with us in this room. I thought and rethought; it was writing papers, words, and more words on papers, but still feeling the words were not right, they lacked a lot of things, they lacked... and I felt Kelvin lacked to see what our relationship was already lacking. We barely trusted each other, and a relationship that was built or was starting to build on mistrust and insecurities was all meant to become toxic, full of deceit, pain, and more heartbreaks in the way.
"Kelv, you have to respect my decision," I stated in a low voice, which I used when trying to talk out something I felt deeply about with someone I had strong feelings for or when I felt the decision we were making would mend or tear all of us apart. When I stated those words, he looked at me, and this time, his eyes showed full of emotions. I wondered and suddenly felt the things he was feeling. He was maybe thinking about everything.
"Is it that easy?.." He asked in barely more than a whisper.
"Kelv, no... don't..." I tried to state, but he chimed in.
"It seems easy, you know. It seems as if I have been a disturbing bowel deserving to be removed. It seems that easy, Angel; you are just letting me go... just like that... despite everything."
"Not that way... I just want what's best for us," I added.
"And leaving... breaking up? Is that what's best?" He asked.
"Kelv, you are making it harder."
"No, I understand. As long as it is okay for you, my view, perspective, and wants mean nothing to you," he stated.
"Not that... we are insecure, don't trust each other."
"Can't it be fixed? You just want to let me go because, of course, it is easier. You already have a backup plan, or maybe I was the backup all along."
Kelvin was starting to speak out of emotion, and I suddenly was in no mood for that. He was starting to make me feel bad for all the decisions I was making and all the things I had thought of. It was all suddenly turning to me simply, just like that. Just like that."