I was dizzy, and the little sweatpants around my knees were drenched with tears that had streamed from my eyes. After the intense moment I had just experienced, I sat up, still feeling Leniey's presence next to me. I could unmistakably identify him by his wonderfully fragrant perfume, a scent that left its mark everywhere he went.
"Hey, sorry about what happened back there," Leniey began. I wasn't in the mood for conversations, but if Kelvin found us here, he might become so furious that he would physically harm Leniey for his actions with me.
"You shouldn't be here. I just wanted to be alone," I stated, not wanting to see Leniey's reaction. I knew I needed someone to comfort me as I drowned in my sorrows, but I didn't need anyone who had heard about Kelvin's humiliations towards me. His words still echoed in my ears, as if he was repeatedly uttering them. Him calling me a bitch was the final straw, the last humiliation I would ever endure from him. Hell, now I understood all the pain he had been feeling, and I grasped how he saw me all this time. I wish I could say I was foolish, but foolishness was the least of my concerns at this moment.
"He had no right to call you those things, Angel," Leniey said out of nowhere. I wasn't sure if I was in the mood to debate right and wrong with anyone, but I knew one thing for certain: I was deeply hurt by Kelvin's actions. I wondered what he was doing, but on second thought, why was I even thinking about him? No man should ever humiliate a lady, especially not his girlfriend. I knew Leniey was trying to engage me in some conversation, but I was still processing everything. It was like your boyfriend giving you a severe beating for the first time, of curse you need time to reflect on what had happened and whether his actions could be justified. And especially the word 'justified' – it's a word many people use to rationalize their actions against others. Something like "I'm short-tempered, sometimes my actions are uncontrollable" or "I'm emotionally unavailable," or even "It wasn't me; my mind was in chaos." These are all little words that either stir up or dilute a mix of emotions.
I had never been beaten before, but I vividly remember the beatings my father used to inflict on my mother when I was a child. Those memories were still fresh and intact, and now, here I was, humiliated. I couldn't find a single thing to justify what Kelvin had done. Did he really want me to see myself as unworthy, especially when he claimed that the other girl was one of the best..especially, in regard to sex, something I could never measure up to? However, I knew that tomorrow, he would try to justify his actions and plead with me to forgive him. This was the moment where I had to assert what was justly mine and leave for the best. But I was never good with people, especially lovers. I didn't know if I had the self-control that people talk about when their past lovers return. I did feel something for Kelvin; maybe that's why I sat here in the cold, observing nothing but the stars. I knew my mind was in a state of drama, dilemma, and confusion. It couldn't seem to process the right words to at least explain, understand, or label – okay, I don't know what exactly, but it was searching for something, a word, a hint, anything that could explain why all of this had happened…maybe the game…maybe the game.
Kelv's behavior and words had left me in excruciating pain, and tears once again streamed down my cheeks…. It seemed like I could never stop my cheeks from becoming wet. The effects of the champagne still lingered in my head, but the emotional pain was far more intense. I didn't even need another drink; I just wanted to go home, back to my rental.
"Home..." I stated in between my sobs without even hearing my voice. I wasn't even sure if Leniey was still around because I felt utterly alone inside. I felt alone, a word I thought was only found in movies or dictionaries of that sort. Then I heard someone try to take my hand, and as if resisting for a while, I suddenly just stood up and faced him, faced Leniey. 'Still tall, still handsome' were the words that formed in my mind. I wasn't sure if he was really serious about taking me home, but I really wanted to go home. Maybe there, I could be alone, cry myself to sleep, and then finally, after a long or short period of acceptance, I would have the courage to face Kelvin.
Leniey opened the car door on the passenger seat, and I found myself trying to stagger in. He then buckled my seatbelt, and I felt his hand brush a part of my stomach, my navel as it is… that wasn't covered. Suddenly, we were locked in a staring competition. I wasn't in the mood for this, all of this, but not one would ignore the little sparks, the smallest of tensions, and the blisker of yearning however, I diverted my eyes to look outside, as he closed the door and headed to the driver's door, opened, sat down, buckled his belt and started the engine.
"I have taken care of your and my bill. He will deal with himself," Leniey stated, in a firm but very low tone, the way he always spoke to me when we were together. I could usually hear the change in his voice when we were alone. I really wanted to speak to him, to maybe ask him if he really thought I was cheap just because I had sex with him sooner than he expected. I wondered what he thought about me. Maybe something like 'You stupid girl,' I thought, and as I thought, I felt my heart clench again. It ached for a touch, for relief; it was painful. Maybe I had never felt this way before. Some say pain like this doesn't last long, but the thing was, losing Kelvin was never the issue. It was the words he used, the rough sentences to describe me and my kind – 'women.' Those were the kind of words that I, even in literature classes, did not want to entertain from any man in our class. The statements of feminism and the yearnings for being misogynistic and chauvinistic just because a woman, whom you maybe loved, at some point broke your heart, never made sense to me.
All this time Leniey was driving, my head was turned towards the windshield, looking outside, but I wish I could say I was particularly enjoying the view. The truth was, the last thing I wanted was for Leniey to see me this broken, to see me in tears. But I really wanted him to tell me what he thought about me. Or maybe he was like the rest, a mixture of 'you are the best thing,' let me just say, a combination of niceties and goodies, statements that would sweep a girl off her feet to the moon and back, and then later on, it would be those same words that would break the protagonist into pieces and pallets.
It was Friday, that's what my mind just stated. I had traveled just the previous day, and here I was being driven to God knows where. But I did trust Leniey. The words that Kelvin had uttered would make even a woman with the highest self-esteem drown in a pool of sadness. I wish he never used sex as a weapon around me, especially with Leniey around. I turned my head to face Leniey, his head up watching the road, which somehow in this area, it had already started raining. I watched him, the way he nodded to the soft pop music that was playing from the car's speakers, to the way he glipped the steering wheel, I observed… I just looked at him, don't know for how long…
"Hey, don't stare that much," Leniey stated as I tried to avert my eyes from his direction toward the front. I wanted to ask him so many questions, honestly. I wished anyone was here to listen to all of them because my mind was just saying, 'talk, talk.'
"I don't know what to say," I stated in a quite soft voice that made me briefly divert my gaze and then continue focusing on the road.
"What do you want me to do? Sing for you?" Leniey asked as he whistled along to the rhythms of Drake's song that had started from the car's radio. I guess he used his USB. Leniey was quite a fan of Drake, Migos, Travis Scott, Kanye, Kendrick Lamar, Eminem, and especially Kendrick Lamar. But sometimes I would find him vibing to some Tupac's and Snoop Dogg's sound. Well, that's what I understood him to do.
"No, I'm okay," I stated, which made him just nod, as if lost in thought.
"Can I ask you something?" He added, as if unsure whether to ask the question or not. But I just nodded, with a little 'yes,' to maybe encourage him to ask the question. Maybe speaking would help me forget everything.
"That Lenieyy…. You can totally not answer if you don't want to. I mean that Leniey, who, I mean…the one all this… you know…, who does he happen to be." I thought he knew it was him, but of course clarity first before jumping into some stupid conclusion.
"Oooh. Leniey…eehh… Do you really wanna know?" I asked hoping. I don't know if I was ready to speak about what happened but if Leniey had asked, of course I wouldn't deny him the answer.
"Yeah. If you want to answer..," he stated, as if eager for the answer.
"It was… Leniey was my coursemate in campus, in the psychology class," I stated. For the first time, I saw a huge smile form on his mouth, showing off his white teeth, which glittered in the streetlights. I wondered what was running through his mind, and suddenly, I started feeling nervous – not bad nervous, but that nervousness when you confess something to someone. Someone you might like. That kind of nervousness.