My physical wounds may have healed, but my mental wounds have not. I really couldn't forget that incident. I felt so broken and tainted. I also felt disgusted with myself. I mean, they had all seen me completely naked. My innermost private areas had been exposed and seen. And my honor had been damaged. I was so ashamed. I would never go back to the way I was before.
The memory of that incident and the shame inside me have always haunted my mind. I cried myself to sleep every night and woke up with swollen eyes the next morning.
During the day, if I remembered the incident, I would slap myself on the cheek, and often, if I couldn't get over it, I would bang my head against the wall while screaming like crazy.
"You're out of your mind." That's what my aunt said about my trauma.
"Hasn't she been out of her mind all along?" Anggi said, warming up to my aunt.
I stopped working for a while until my mental state improved. Although I never knew if I would get better or not.Days and nights went by, and everything was the same. Nothing good happened. Everything was so painful that the only thing I was waiting for was my own death. A death that would free me from the pain and unite me with my loved ones.
The money and goods that the good people had given me for my medical expenses at the hospital still had a lot left and could be used to fulfill my daily needs. So, back then, I just cooked, washed, and did other chores as usual. And look at how I isolated myself from the outside world during those traumatizing times. Even when some of the women who beat me came to apologize, I yelled at them:
"Please leave. Leave me alone."
I didn't want their apologies. I didn't even want to deal with them anymore. I want to forget that people like them live on this earth. I didn't want them to see me for any reason anymore.
Time passed, and I still isolated myself. I didn't want to leave the house except for urgent needs. I stayed in my dark room and cried in silence.
*******
Then, I heard the news that, one by one, my elementary school friends were getting married. Well, that was the year they all finished high school. It was rare for someone from Gunung Ayu Village to go to university and continue their education. Most of them would get married right away. If not married, they usually choose to go working abroad (usually to Malaysia) to become domestic assistant.
At first, I didn't want to get married so young. However, the thought of living happily with my husband and children had poisoned my mind. It doesn't have to be death that takes me away from here; it could be a man, a husband. Then, if I got married, I could have a new family. I can feel love and be loved.
So, I also really want to get married. It's not good to pin your hopes on others, but I really had given up hope.
However, my luck was really bad. No man had ever come to me to propose or just to get acquainted and make an approach. In fact, almost all my school friends were married. The neighbors started gossiping about me. While watering the plants in the yard, I often heard them whispering about me. Some of the most memorable ones were:
"Looks like that Maya is going to be an old virgin."
"Who would marry a girl who has been naked in public?"
"She broke up someone's marriage. Karma is punishing her."
"But she is beautiful. She can sell her cunt and live a rich life."
Maybe they were all right. Ah, at that moment, I believed them, and my feelings became even more frantic. My mind was getting muddled. In fact, I was so depressed that I once thought about ending my life. At that time, I tried to be patient. I've always believed that all humans on this earth have their own soulmates. And my soulmate might be looking for me, or the universe is planning our meeting.
I decided to strengthen my heart and close my ears. I decided not to believe the words and insults of the neighbors about me not being married yet. I went about my usual activities, trying to be cheerful and energetic.
After all, soulmates are a reflection of each other. I believe that if I want a good soulmate, then I have to be good too. If I want a loving and affectionate one, then I must also be loving and affectionate. Not only did I wait for him to come and pick me up, but I also worked on myself and perfected myself for him. I tried to bring back the joy and love for those closest to me. I went back to work at my aunt's shop.
Two years passed, and I was 20 years old. However, my soulmate never came, and my patience began to erode. Slowly, I began to believe what people told me:
"No one wants to marry a woman who has been naked in public."
I was frustrated again.
I really didn't want to live without ever feeling loved and cherished.
Oh, even back then, I lowered my standards. In the past, I wanted a husband who was handsome, loving, and kind. Now, I would accept any man who came to propose to me. The important thing is that he accepts me as I am and loves me with all his heart. I don't care how he is, what he does, whether he's handsome or not, or his age; I don't care.
A few months later, my standards dropped even more. Back then, I wanted to live with my husband and children. In short, I wanted a new family. Now, I just want to feel loved for a little while. just for a little while. And this is my biggest dream, the last dream of my life: one day I will find love and get married. I will taste the sweetness of love. Just a little while is fine. After that, even if I die, I will die in peace and happiness. Then, I breathed my last breath in the arms of a man who loved me very much. Whoever he was—handsome or not—whatever his occupation was, wherever he came from, I didn't care. What matters is that he is willing to accept me as I am. What mattered was that he was willing to love and marry a woman who had been stripped naked in public. When i die, he have to embraced my dying body and held my hand. Then he said, "Roxelana, Roxelana, please don't leave me, my love. Please endure. I love you very much, Roxelana." And then I breathed my last in a state of being loved and cherished. Someone mourned my death. Someone felt sad to be left behind by me. Yes, my full name is Maya Roxelana Pettersen. People used to call me Maya, but I wanted my future lover to call me Roxelana.
*********
In October 2012, Anggi, my aunt, and I moved into a small rented house in a residential area near Astapasa Beach. In case you've forgotten, Astapasa Beach is the most famous beach on the island I live on, Anjani Island. We left Gunung Ayu Village. There, I got a job as a hotel room cleaner. Meanwhile, my aunt and Anggi were also working. I'll tell you what they do later. Before I knew it, on this beach I met the love of my life, Reiner.