I teach her how to manipulate energy. The energy is like a water you can control it but you can't change the substance. That is when the properties of energy difference change. You can
change the characteristics of energy by flowing different kind of form.
Other people with ability can change the flowing techniques unique. It is their innate ability. They can just do the moment they awaken energy.
So people like Feli can't do that kind of reality breaking ability, so how can she get stronger. By training various sword techniques, I teach her the basic of energy and I heavily focus on her sword techniques.
I trained her with real experience with monster. I save when she met her dead end. I give her monster core so she can continue to support her family. She always thank me for helping her. She asked about my past, why I am here?
I dodged those question by making her harder techniques. Overtime Feli and I become friend. Nothing special to her but for me that is a big blow for my ego.
She make me laugh with her silly joke. She talked about her town and her neighbours. The cat she found on the street.
Her cooking skill is great. I never thought I will be eating that much because someone add a few spice. After a few weak, her skill increase. The control to the energy is great. The sword skill is becoming more useful in the battle.
On one night, I think about my next destination. What should I do? Do I just settle here? I wander this is the right things to do.
But I don't make remarkable decision, I just flow with time hoping it will never end. Time went on and another year passed, my relation with Feli grow even stronger.
She and I hunt the monster on the morning and at afternoon we hang out in the forest. We celebrated her 23 birthday with great feast.
I love her. I don't know when I start to feel this way, I love her.
When I realised that fact I was scared. I can't face her anymore. When I see her face I saw a flash of people that I killed. I remember the time when I lose my mind. What if she betrayed me what if she leave me.
These thought stop me from advancing into next step. I began to distance myself. Nightmare hunt me. I was running away from the problem again.
I am trash. I hate myself. Someone who can't even change himself. I was tired. I stop meeting to her. I was hiding from her. She searched me.
When I gathered courage to met her, It crushed. It broken just because of what I did. The past haunt me.
One day she find my base, I don't how she get here. The base is heavily covered by trap. Maybe I unconsciously lead her to me.
As soon as she saw my condition, sleepless eyes, tore hand, messed hair, she spoke in a worried voice. I can't hear nothing, my mind just overload with so many emotions.
Self-hatred, Loneliness, Bitterness, Relief, Hope.
I just stay there. She company me for a week. During that week, I opened up my past to her. How I was pathetic being.
I told and she listen. After I dumped all of my feelings, there is a long silence between she and I. I said, " You are thinking that I'm a bad guy right? That I should perished from this world."
She shake her head, looking at me she said, " Although what you did was a bad thing, I can't judge you for this. Beside you help me. You trained me. You taught me how to survive. You have change. "
I sneered. No I have not. I just gone softer. She took a deep breath. " What are you going to do? "
I don't have an answer for that. I always finding that answer. " I don't know. "
She clapped her hand, " How about you tried saving people? "
Eh! What is she talking about?Me saving human. " With my personality I will be more threat than saving. "
She looked at me like a strange creature, " But you saved me."
" That was because I... how should I put.. ehh.."
" You saved me, you said that you want to change and regret for your mistake. You had to prove that. People don't forgive but I am sure they will see you in a different light if you show that you had really change. "
I had to prove? Do I really change just because I'm alone in this forest. What does changing mean? But more importantly do I really want to change. Do I really want that kind of things. I mean human are bad.
I don't want to experience their cruelty again. I just want to live a normal life with Feli.
"Feli, What is a normal life? "
She is confused by my sudden change of topic. She think for a moment, trying to find the words to describe her idea normal life.
" When you feel happiness almost everyday. I guess. You need some sad moment in life too." Her head is streaming because she can't describe it. " When feel this is normal life, it is normal life."
" So in other words you had to experience it to understand. "
She nodded. I decided. I look at her eyes. She stop smiling and look back at mine. I opened my mouth, words stuck in my tongue but It passed through with a faint voice.
" I love you. " Simple and yet difficult to say. Her face is full of surprises, she does not expect these words coming out of my mouth.
Before she could replied, I said, " But I can't love you right now. I want to experience the changes in mine. So that I can finally rest and love. So I have to leave from this forest. I will travel around this world. Can you please wait for me? "
I decided I will explore this world like an adventure. I will find my life. I don't want to leave Feli but I had to.
She nodded. She said the same things as I do. She says she love me. She will wait for me to return.
I hugged her and said goodbye. I don't want to change my mind, the more I say near her, the more I will get attached to her.
My destination is The adventure town. The largest town where one can experience many things.
That was the last time I saw Feli. And the last time I saw myself. I am chaos. The world, the universe, the life force all hate me. They all want me suffer. They mess with my head. They create illusion to trick me. They give me hope to crush me.
But I survive. I survive their destruction. And you . You are my descendent. You will carry my will. You and I are the same. This world create the same situation. They create your life and give you power. They want to see your will crumble. But If you took my hand and come with me we can at least fight.
" Come with me. Aguilar. "
" Ah..."
I waked up in my bedroom, sweating furiously.
" What was that memories. "
It feel like I just experience another life. Full of suffering. My vision burred, and my head hurt. The pain I suffer were abnormal. I saw my kid burning. I saw my lover get raped.
I destroyed the world. The pain I suffer. There is a dark there is a light.
I met a beautiful lady. I have a lovely family. I was a hero. Those memories all end with me getting bad ending.
Not even a single memories is about a happy life. I killed. I raped. I was scumbag. I save. I was hero.
All these memories, all the cracks on my head. I was surrounded by it. I can't escape. I can't move. I can't do nothing.