Filling in my Aunt with the events that took place outside of her home was rather difficult considering she was very upset about my abrupt departure and sudden disappearance. I don't blame her, I knew I shouldn't have.
"Forgive me, Aunt Simona. I know I was wrong, I should not have done the things that I did. I did not mean to worry you so much." I said sincerely in a quiet voice as I stood across from her while she sits on the settee with her lips pursed in disappointment.
"Normally, I would have berated you and punished you as a consequence but knowing you have reasons, I could no longer feel the need to do so. However, I would love for you not to disappear again. You are my blood, I care deeply about your well-being. Not knowing where you are or what is happening to you deeply upsets me." She said in a rather calming and commanding voice. She then smiled at me before continuing.
"Possibly this is just proof that no matter how much I try to bend you in the rules of my time, I can never change you. You are now free of doing what you like so long as you still uphold the standards of nobility." She stretched out her hands towards me which I gladly accept, and pull me in to sit next to her.
"Thank you, Aunt Simona," I said as I look at her with sincere gratitude.
She sighs as she holds my hands. "If it's alright with you, I want to talk about what happened before your disappearance."
My turn to sigh, I look away. "Yes, well if you must know, Botticelli and I have gotten close." The words that are coming out of my mouth felt bitter on my tongue but I know I have to say them. Perhaps talking about it would ease the pain I feel.
"Our relationship may have gotten deeper. He suddenly showers me with affection, only I found out that he's only taken an interest because of who he sees in me. Unfortunately, he sees my mother and not me. I felt betrayed and I left." I surprised myself for being able to hold in my emotion as I tell her about it. When I look back up at her, she only nodded in understanding.
"Then it's best we postpone the portrait for your sake."
Smiling in gratitude, I nodded. "I'm sorry, I know you've been looking forward to it."
"Don't be silly, my dear. You are far more important than a silly portrait." Knowing I might cry, I look up and blink many times before looking down. "It must be difficult for you, dear Antonia." Confused, I look back up at her and see her face gloomy and looking in distance.
"Taking after your mother's face is not your fault and yet you find it difficult to trust men around you to see you for yourself and not the woman you resemble."
Unable to hold it in any longer, I nodded as my tears fall. "Perhaps it's my curse, for being the result of adultery she committed. She's found love outside of her marriage and I might not be able to find love for myself because of it."
"Don't say that." She said then pulled me in for a hug as I cry. "You will soon. In the meantime, you have me."
Overwhelmed, I continued to cry on her shoulders as I hug her back tightly.
With my mornings now available, I decided to dedicate my time to deciphering the symbol on the stone. I know I have gotten so preoccupied with Botticelli that I didn't realize how much time has passed without thinking about the stone itself.
With that in mind, I decided to go downstairs to let my Aunt Simona know of my departure. As always, she sits by the window practicing her needlework while she hums sweetly. I knocked on the open door to let her know my presence. "Aunt Simona, I'm going out to the library to study."
She then looks up but her lips are pressed into a thin line before responding. "I'm afraid no one will allow you inside. Only men are allowed in such a place, my dear."
Sighing in disappointment, I nodded my head. "I'll simply stroll around if that's alright."
Knowing I cannot stay indoors just like everyone else, she gave in. "Alright. Just be back before sundown."
Smiling, I waved my hand goodbye before leaving the house. It's not the first time that I went out but I found myself bewildered by the fact that people that are outside are mostly men.
Despite the progressive state of Florence, they are deeply catholic hence the women seeing the world through a tiny window is almost the situation for every woman in the city. I almost always have to remind myself that this is the century where women are being punished for the sins of Eve. At least in England, women in this century are allowed to roam around with a chaperone.
Deeply saddened by the thought, I sat down by the fountain resting my strained ankle. For some reason, my injury from my ballet accident started to ache. I don't know why it's the case but I couldn't look over my ankles without flashing men around me. I try massaging it through my dress and after a while, the pain ceases.
When I sit upright, suddenly a coin dropped on the fountain. When I looked down, it wasn't just an ordinary coin. It's a concave-bronze coin with markings I've never seen before.
It couldn't have been florin, it's shape is not perfectly circular, unlike the coins in this century are made. Then I noticed two crescent moons facing away from each other. I know I have seen them before, but I couldn't remember where or when.
What I'm certain of is that the coin is far older for anyone to own. When I look up, no one seems to have been acting strangely or seems to have thrown the coin. Debating whether or not should I take it, I ended up leaving it where it is.
When I got up, I suddenly saw a woman wearing a white robe covering most of her body and dimming her face. I can see her lips turn up into a grin. Why do I have a feeling that she's the one who deliberately threw the coin? Standing still, we're both staring at each other and then, she just vanished. I run towards where she was standing and look around.
She has completely vanished. My shoulder slumped a little from disappointment. I was about to head out when I saw a symbol on the wall. It's a square-shaped emblem within a circle. Unlike the coin, this symbol is far too familiar for my comfort for every symbol has been a part of my life.
Every Sutton that I know bears a piece of jewelry with the very symbol. I never knew what it is but my father said it means protection. Whoever put this symbol on the wall knew me or perhaps my family. A glimmer of inspiration sparked inside me so I went back to the fountain and took the coin. This may be the key to understanding the stone.
As I recall, San Marco, or St Mark's English Church is a church and a convent. Aside from that, it also housed a library. Perhaps in one of the manuscripts, some of them will give me answers. As I stand in front of the facade of San Marco, I head over the doors with the hopes of being allowed inside as I hold the coin in my hand despite my Aunt Simona warning me that I wouldn't be entertained inside.
Only a few steps inside, a priest stops my way. "Is there anything I could do for you, child?" The old priest said as he smiles with his hands clasped together.
"Yes, well I was wondering if I could—"
"Confess?" He instantly said, cutting me off.
Furrowing my brows in confusion, I shook my head no. "No, father. In all due respect, I was hoping perhaps I can utilize your library?"
This time, the old man furrowed his brows at me but then he laughed. "My dear, all the manuscripts are in Latin and I am quite sure you're not articulate enough to understand any of it."
"How can you assume that?" I said, bewildered by his prejudice against my sex.
He then looked me over one more time from head to toe then responded. "Even if you are well versed in Latin, it is still not allowed for you to be in a library. Men are only allowed."
Keeping the urge to roll my eyes at him, I forced a smile and nodded. "Right, I'll be going then."
As I walk away, I heard him mutter "What an odd woman."
As I walk away, I realized how oppressed women are generally treated even more than I expected. These moments make me miss home. At least back in England, I can go to Oxford to finish my degree in history and I'd be allowed to do a few things for myself.
Given that women are generally not expected to make a career out of anything, it sure feels nice to be treated better than the women of this century. Caged in and forced to shame the gender we were born in.
"Antonia..." The familiar voice stops me in my tracks. Truthfully, I'm not sure if I'm quite ready to face him, even with my uncertainty, I turn around to face Botticelli. His face was somber, lowered as he looks at me.
"Messer..." I said, unable to bring myself to utter his name.
"May we speak? There are some things I need to discuss with you."
Knowing that I still harbor feelings for him, I wanted to say no. I do not want to bring myself in a lot more disappointment than I already have but seeing as how incredibly glum he looks, I can't help but feel the need to at least hear him out. After all, I did not let him speak right before I stormed out of the house. "Alright."
He then moves closer to me and when he seems like he wanted to get closer, he stopped himself and then clenches his hands into a fist, controlling himself. "I must clarify something." His voice is light and breaking, riddled with anxiety as he goes. "It's true that when I first saw you, no matter how impossible it would seem, I did think you were Simonetta standing by the church. Yes, I did take an interest in you because of your similarities but you must understand that I never—"
"It's alright, Botticelli," I said, cutting him off. Afraid that what he was going to say would either be a lie to make me feel better or the truth that would hurt me more. "I know and accept that you have passionate feelings for her. However, I was hurt. I may have overreacted but I was hurt. I'm slowly accepting that what we have must stay as they were." His face now saddens me even further. Hoping to ease his mind, I smiled the sweetest and most genuine smile I could muster and continued. "Perhaps friendship is what we can only have. Well, I must go home. See you tomorrow." I said then immediately turned around in the hopes that he wouldn't see the tears streaming down my cheeks.
In the romantic novels I read before, the leading male character chases down the woman walking away from him and they'd confess their feelings for one another. Despite everything, they'd live happily ever after.
I rarely ever read those kinds of books but somehow, I wish even just for once, something like that would happen to me. To be chased down and loved in return. Life, however, has a different plan altogether.
"Antonia." Looking up, I saw Giuliano, smiling at me but then changed to concern when he saw my tears. "Has something happened?"
"Giuliano!" I said, chuckling as I wipe the tears from my face. "I'm surprised to see you here!"
Despite my smile, his face is unchanging. "Is something wrong, Antonia?"
I want to ignore the pain in my chest but it's too overwhelming. My smile slowly disappears as I let myself go. "I-I can't talk about it.." I said, my voice breaking from my tears.
His face softens then gently pulls me closer and envelops me in a warm hug. "Whatever it is, I'm sure it will pass." He said as he gently rubs my back while embracing me. I hope it does. After a while, he pulls away to look me in the eyes. "Come now, let's get you home."
With our arms linked to one another, I suddenly felt a wave of relief in my chest. Though he was unaware of the reason for my tears, he still stood there, smiling at me, telling me that he was there and that it will be alright.
In that small gesture, I realized how good it feels to have someone help you through something difficult just by being there for you. It will pass. It may not be as fast as I hope, but it will eventually pass.
"So, how is it that I find a noble beauty such as yourself, alone and in tears in the streets?" He said as we walk slowly.
I know he's only trying to distract me and to be honest, I'm quite grateful. "Well, I was hoping I could get inside a library. I was aware that women are not exactly allowed to go to such places here in the city but I thought I could give it a try."
He chuckles. "My, my! Antonia, you're full of surprises. Why do you need to go to a library?" He said, more curious than ever.
"I was hoping I could read something about ancient cultures. I believe the Italians have encountered some of them a millennia ago."
"Oh, I see. Do you mean the Roman Empire conquering lands westwards?"
I didn't know why I didn't expect him to know about his history. I should have at least considered him knowing a lot of things in history especially when he has received the best education possible. "Yes." That is all I was able to say about my newfound admiration for him.
"I see. Even if you were able to get inside, I don't think you'll be able to find what you were looking for in there." He said as he looks forward in the distance.
"What makes you say that?"
"The only way you could read the testaments from the likes of Tacitus, Cicero, and Dio Cassius you must go to Rome."
Why didn't I think of that much sooner? It makes much more sense now. Of course, the scholars would keep those manuscripts within the city. Upon shedding new light on my quest, I could only smile at Giuliano. Soon, an obstacle hindered the joyous thought. How on earth am I going to Rome?
"You're right. Now that I realize it, my study would have been for nothing. There's no way my Aunt Simona would allow such travel." As we reach the door, I faced him with a smile. "Thank you, Giuliano. You have helped a lot more than you know."
"As always, it's a pleasure to make you smile, La Bella Antonia."
Flattered with his unexpected flattery, I diverted my gaze from his eyes to the ground. "I must go now. Good day, Giuliano."
"And you, Antonia."
With one more smile, I head inside with a standing Giuliano slowly disappearing from my sight as I close the door.
In the darkness, with only the candles and the stars lighting my room, sitting by the window holding the stone, the answers I seek seem too far to reach. The vision of the woman wearing a white robe continues to plague my mind.
I have a feeling she bears so much knowledge of my predicament. For some reason, she's inviting me in. The question is, am I prepared to go in?