I can't do this. On the edge of a panic attack I reach the kitchen. I lean on the counter taking some deep breaths.
"Charlie." I hear mom behind me, in less than 5 seconds her hands are on my back. "You don't have to tell her."
"I do." I say gasping for air.
"No you don't, you're not ready, Char." She lets go off me so she can grab me a glass of water. Tears are forming in my eyes. "You haven't even told Keith yet."
"I know, but he wouldn't get it, why I don't talk to dad anymore, he would say that I made it up, that I was just a kid." I look at mom. "Just what dad told the judge."
Mom shakes her head. "Keith wouldn't, he's your twin brother for a reason Charlie." Mom holds out the glass to me. "He would understand."
A single tear rolls down my cheek. "But he loves dad too much, he hates it that I don't speak dad anymore, he hates me for it. He would choose dad instead of me."
"Charlie."
"It's true." I wipe my eyes and breath in and out. "I'm telling her, she's helping me mom."
"I know." She caresses my cheek. "I see it, she's been some kind of medicine for you, something you could rely on." Mom stares into my eyes. "But you still don't need to tell."
"She told me everything about herself mom, her life isn't easy either, I can't..." Embarrassed I turn my head away. Shit.
"What?"
I shake my head, fuck it. "I can't lose her, I love her." Mom stops rubbing my back, so I look at her. "What?"
She smiles at me. "She really is someone else." Mom kisses my head. "Don't let her go." When she pulls back the doorbell rings. She's here.
"I'll get it and then I'll leave you alone." I nod and see how she walks away. I'm so fucking nervous, I'm scared that she will hate me or that she will despise me.
So when I hear the front door close I turn around. Jay doesn't look at me yet, so I walk up to her. She looks as beautiful as ever. "Hey."
She looks straight at me, a smile forming on her face. "Hey." She walks up to me, knowing no one is home I bend my head to hers and kiss her. I find some kind of peace in the kiss and my quick heart rate slows down.
"Follow me." I take her hand in my and pull her up the stairs with me.
"Where are we going?" I don't say anything I just open a door that was always closed and pull her in behind me.
"Just wait." I let go of her hand and move to the desk. My heartbeat races again. With shaking hands, I pull out the file and throw it on the desk. I just can't open it, knowing exactly what's lying under there.
"Charlie, you don't have to." I look up at Jay and when I see her eyes, I'm sure. "It's okay."
I grab the file and open it, I close my eyes before I can see the headlines. "Take it." I hold the file out to her. "Jay, please."
"Are you sure."
"Take it." When I feel her hands slide over mine I open my eyes again. She takes the papers out of the file and studies them. I bite on my thumbnail, pacing back and forth.
She frowns. "I don't understand, did you know her?" She looks at me. "The girl who got..."
I let out a frustrated groan, damn it. "That girl that's all over the newspapers who..." Fuck I can't even say it.
Jay looks at me. "Got raped." She says quietly.
"That girl...." I can't even look at her. I turn my back to her and pinch the bridge of my nose.
I feel her hands on my back. "Charlie what is it?"
A sob escapes my lips and I turn around. "Jay..." I say with a sob. "That girl, that's me." Her eyes widen before she hears what I'm saying. Fuck. I move past her, punch a shelve. She's disgusted of me.
"What happened?" I hear her say. I hit the door with my fist. "Charlie stop." When I keep going, when I can't stop myself anymore I feel how she pushes her body against mine. "Please stop, you're hurting yourself." She kisses my shoulder. "Please."
I let my head hit the wood and sob again. "I'm so sorry."
"Hey, listen to me, it's not your fault." She kisses my shoulder again. "Do you want to tell me what happened?"
I let her turn me around and slide down the door, with her kneeling in front of me. I take some deep breaths before I look at her. "Are you disgusted of me?"
"What?" She looks at me strangely. "Of course not." She lays her hands on my cheeks. "I love you Charlie, I would never be disgusted of you."
Her words warm me and I find the courage to tell her, I grab her hand for support and sigh. "He was my dads best friend and always came over. Keith and I used to play basketball with him, that why Keith continued and I didn't. But when we turned 12, he changed in his behaviour towards me."
I tremble so much that Jay sits down next to me and pulls me towards her. "Shhh, take your time."
I take a deep breath. "At first I didn't notice, he was like a dad to us, when he touched me I didn't really think anything about it. I thought that it was normal at first. So when I was 13, he and I went to the swimming pool alone I didn't thought anything of it. That's also because my dad approved it and Keith would go with him too but some other time." The memories are flowing back and It's tearing me apart.
"I had a lot of fun, until the end, he started touching me under water, he never used to cross those boundaries, but he did and that continued in the..." I can't. A cry escapes my lips. "H-he... He pulled me in the locker room and there was nothing I could do. I couldn't scream, I couldn't fight." I feel the panic raise in my body.
"When he brought me home, he let me swear that I wouldn't tell anyone, he threatened me, told me he would do something to Keith, he is my little brother, it's my job to protect him."
"You don't have to explain, I understand." Jay wipes my tears away and looks into my eyes. Her eyes calm me a bit.
"It happened again and again, until I had enough and told my dad, but he..." I turn my head away. Remembering the day he hurted me the most and betrayed me.
-------
Scared, dirty, gross, hurt, depressed. I feel so much, but I feel nothing either. I can't take it anymore. Dad has to know.
With a deep breath I walk to his office, he doesn't look up when I walk in. He's busy working, like always. Never has time for me.
"Daddy." I say softly, keeping my head down.
"What is it, darling? Can't you see I'm working. What did daddy tell you about when I'm working?" He looks up, pushing his glasses off. "Mmm?"
"To leave you alone." He nods in approval and moves his gaze back to his papers.
When he notices that I'm not gone, he sighs. "Go help your mother."
"But dad."
"What!" I cringe at him for raising his voice. "I'm sorry, what do you want?"
I look up, meeting his eyes. "It's uncle."
His eyes change, he gets a strange look in his eyes. "What do you mean?"
"He does things to me daddy, bad things." I whisper.
He raises from his chair, walking up to me, but instead of pulling me in his arms, he grabs my arm and my chin so I look at him. "You keep your mouth shut!"
Tears are rolling out of my eyes. "He hurts me." I cry out. "I've had enough dad, make it stop."
"Listen to me right now!" He slams his hand on a chair, making me jump. "You won't say another word about this." I look at him strangely. "Do you understand?" When he looks at me more angry than ever I nod. "You will not talk to anyone, I'll have to do something about it, not good things."
"Daddy..."
He sighs, his expression softens. "Baby, you don't want to do something you would regret, right? " I shake my head. "Like hurting your brother, or your mother. They will be very disappointed in you, you know." He sighs again and stand up, moving some strands of hair out of my face. "Go to your room."
I nod, not saying a thing.
"You understand what I told you right?" I nod again. "You will keep your mouth shut."
----------
"He told me that I needed to keep my mouth shut, that I was making it all up. He helped his best friend rape his own daughter." The last sentence comes out my mouth crying. I cling to her, scared that she will leave me.
"Charlie..." She hold me, she doesn't let go. She knew it was something bad, but she didn't thought of this. She let me cry until I can finish my story. Man, this is harder than I thought.
"After 1 year I couldn't take it anymore, I did something stupid." I show her the small scars on my wrists. "I almost took my own life, but I didn't cut deep enough, my mom found me on the bathroom floor and rushed me to the E.R."
Jay looks at me, with so much hurt in her eyes, that the regret of that day improves. "I'm sorry you had to go through that." She caresses my cheek. "I'm so sorry." She whispers.
I shake my head at her. It isn't her fault. "When I woke up, my mom was in my hospital room, but when she told me dad was on his way and she saw how panicked I was, she forced me to tell her what was going on." I breath in.
"How did she take it?"
I smile softly, remembering the long warm hug me and my mom shared. She never left my side, she choose me. "She believed me right away, she promised me not to tell Keith anything about what happened and after some time my mom divorced my dad and won the case against them, my dad has a restraining order, just like his best friend. My dad served 354 days in jail, while his best friend has to serve 6 years in prison."
"So he's still there?" Jay looks at me questionly.
"I sure hope so, I'm not in contact with my father or with him, I don't want to know anything about them." I sigh.
"And Keith?"
I shake my head. "Keith still doesn't know, he was a long time angry at mom for divorcing my father and he still hates me for not talking to dad, he has asked me many times why. But mom told him that that's my choice." I look at Jay, realising that I'm not as panicked as I thought I would be. "Keith goes on camping trips with him every year, not knowing what dad has done."
Jay kisses my head. "Don't you want to tell him?" She rubs my back, she comforts me. "He's your twin."
"He loves dad too much, he wouldn't understand. He would say that dad would never do such thing. Dad is his role model." Jay nods.
I stare into her eyes. "Thank you." She says. "Thank you for sharing this, for letting me in."
I grab her face between my hands and kiss her. "Thank you for being there for me, helping me." I kiss her soft lips again. "I love you."
She smiles against my lips. "I love you too."
-----
Snuggled up we lay on the couch, we are watching a movie, but I'm not really paying attention. I'm playing with Jay's hair and draw circles on her back. I think she has fallen asleep.
After I told her everything we stayed in the office for an hour, until she ask me if I want to snuggle up on the couch. She told me that a movie would take my mind off of things. She knew that I was still thinking about my dad.
What she didn't knew was that I was thinking about her the whole time. I didn't needed the movie to get my mind of things. She's enough.
She's so fucking beautiful and I'm so extremely lucky to have her. She's everything I want.
I carefully kiss her jaw, nestling my head deeper in her neck. She smells amazing. I hear how she giggles when my nose brushes past her jaw.
"That tickles." She giggles. I grin, do it again. Until she laughs out loud and turns in my arms so she's facing me. "Stop!"
"Make me." I grin at her, knowing that she will kiss me. But she doesn't.
She stops right before our lips meet. "Stop it!"
"Jay, please." I moan.
"Please what?" She says, almost giving in.
I sigh softly on her lips, making her come even closer. "Please kiss me."
And so she does, she breaks the space between us, melts against me. I can't get enough of her. Her lips move amazing with mine. And then she's on top of me. I let my hands slide over her body. She shivers.
"Are you sure?" I ask when I feel her hand travel down to my pants. "I don't want to rush you."
Instead of answering, she unbuttons my pants. "Shut up and kiss me."
I growl and bring her lips back to mine. I roll us over, so I'm on top. "We should go to my room." I moan.
"I can't wait." She says hoarsely, making me moan again.
I chuckle on her lips. "I can't either."
I let my hands travel down, touch her on the right places. "God, you're perfect." I kiss her neck, let my hand slide down between her legs.
"Charlie!" Her head tilts backwards and she arches her back. "Please."
I pull on her shorts. "So beautiful." I say against her skin. She really, really is. I kiss my way down, pulling her shirt up. I slide down the couch kneeling in front of her. "Are you really sure?"
She nods. "Yes, oh my god, yes."
With that I lay my lips on her leg, slowly moving to the place where she wants me so badly. Her moans lead me, she's making me crazy, I want her... Before I lay my lips on her centre I move to her other leg, making her squirm underneath me.
"Charlie..." Her hips buckle forward. "Please, I can't."
"You can't what?" I say against her skin.
"I can't take it anymore." She moans. "Please."
Right before I can finally lay my lips on her and taste her, god I think she will taste amazing, I hear the door and shoot up.
"Fuck." We curse at the same time.
As fast as I can I throw a blanket over Jay's body and lay down next to her again. Fuck we look flustered as hell.
The door opens and I hear my mom walk in, with Keith and Jake behind her. Fucking shit. I move away from Jay just a bit, moving my hands through my hair. We look shortly at each other before Jake launches himself next to me.
"Hey suckers." He grins when I punch him. "What movie are you watching?"
"I'm going to the bathroom, I will be right back." Jay wraps the blanket around her and moves to the bathroom.
Jake looks at me knowingly, I punch him again. "Nice movie."
"Shut the fuck up, before I will beat your ass up!" He hold up his hands defensively.
"I would fasten my pants if I were you." I growl at him before doing what he says. Not much time later, Keith drops in the couch throwing his head back.
"I'm so bored." He sighs.
"You can jerk off in your room." I tease, throwing a pillow at him.
"Very funny." He says. "I want to play baseball, but this stupid arm keeps me from playing." He sighs again.
"Stop being dramatic, you did it yourself, now If you could just shut up." I stand up and walk to the kitchen. I can't take this anymore. I want her so badly.