Do I want this? Is this a good idea today? I sigh, open the door and step inside. As always it is quiet and a bit dark. On my way to the living room I turn on some lights. I take a deep breath and then walk over to my mother who sits in the chair she always sits in. Staring out the window at the passing cars.
She doesn't look at me when I sit down, she never does. I wipe my clammy hands on my pants. I don't know why, but this place always makes me a little nervous and sick. Nothing will happen because my mother is drugged, but I still get the jitters.
At first I didn't really know how to start, so I stared down. "Hi mom." I swallow. "I've been on Hillside high for 3 months now, I told you about that, do you remember?" I look at her for a moment, knowing she's not going to respond anyway. For a moment I hope she will look at me, take my hand and say she loves me, but she doesn't.
"Okay, I made a friend, several actually, but one is, Shelby, she's pretty nice and she talks to me, so that's okay, right?" I swallow. I leave out the boys and Charlie, they are better friends than Shelby, who says about 2 words to me, but I'm afraid that I say too much when I start talking about Charlie.
"And I'm on the baseball team mom, I'm the 2nd girl that ever played on the team." I immediately think of Charlie and curse inwardly. I can't get her out of my mind all week and it drives me crazy. I can't even pay attention in class anymore, change all the words either in her name or in things she said to me. And during the training sessions it is completely terrible, I keep looking at her, as a result of getting a ball in my face, during the match I also had problems with it, I had to sit on the bench because I performed poorly during the warming-up, fucking Charlie. Hillside just won and I'm sure if I had pitched we would have made more points, no offense to Jake, but anyway.
I shake my head. "I'm a pitcher, as we hoped, I'll have another game tomorrow." I fiddle with my shirt. "And tonight I'm going to a team meeting for the second time, just for fun." I swallow. "I'm not sure if I should go, mom, you know I don't like those things." I sigh. "Dad is getting worse, he comes home later, drunk and then bangs on my door. I can hear him crying, Mom." I want to take her hand, but I hold back, I don't know how she's going to react to that.
That is not the only thing that bothers me. Just tell her! A voice screams in my head. I groan, I can't tell. I clench my hands into fists.
"It's better, he hits me less." It's out before I can think about it, I didn't want to talk about this. "I don't know how long this will last, Sunday was the last time." My lip is trembling, damn it, I don't want to cry. "I'm still scared, scared that he will lose his shit again, but even more scared that someone will see the bruises and call for help. I don't want to lose him, Mom, then I won't have anyone left." A tear is already running down my cheek. "And I don't know how to tell him this, he's so worked up." I wiped away some tears. Hear someone come in.
"Hey Jay, how are you, dear?" Mary, my mother's nurse, walks in.
I quickly rub my eyes. "Fine, how are you?"
"It's going really well. You know my son right?" I nod, Danny, he was in love with me. "Well he started college and he is seeing someone." He deserved that, he's a great guy. "Didn't you used to hang out?" She stares at me for some time before she shrugs. "Well, I'll be gone in no time, just have to tidy up the laundry." She disappears into my mother's bedroom. I forgot that she talked so much.
"I don't know what to do, Mom, I'm in a mess." I close my eyes. "Everything is a mess." Charlie. I shake my head. God this girl just keeps haunting my head. "Something's wrong with me, I think. I can't get someone out of my head."
"And who is the lucky one on your mind?" Mary is standing in the doorway with a grin, shit, why did she have to hear that?
I try to smile. "Someone from my school."
"What's his name?" The smile disappears from my face. Just pretend, like always.
"Charlie."
Mary nods. "Is he handsome?" God she's the prettiest girl I've ever seen. Those blue eyes make me forget everything and don't let me start talking about her hands and lips. I think for a moment about her long wavy brown hair. She is perfect.
"Very." Mary smiles.
"Don't let that boy break your heart, honey." She puts her hand on my shoulder for a moment, which makes me realize she has walked over to me. "You're too kind-hearted for this world, don't let anyone break you."
"Thank you." Mary nods at me before walking away and closing the door. I sigh for a moment, I hate having to lie, but I am also too afraid of the reactions when I tell the truth. I want to get out of Hillside, away from all the gossip, away from all prejudices and accusations. The only advantage of this place is that it is still in Manhattan, I just have to get away from Hillside. Don't get me wrong in Manhattan it might have been the worst, the prejudices and everything, but I grew up here, everyone I needed was here before they turned their back to me.
"I need to go, mom, I'm trying to come by more often, okay?" I wait a moment before I get up. "I love you mom." With that I pack my things and walk out of her room. I try to keep my head down when I walk out of the building. I am so scared of this hospital.
Now I need to drive home. It's great that I nailed my drivers license this summer, it took hours on my bike and the public transport wasn't great either.
I get into my dad's car and drive away, away from my mother, away from all the misery, right into a lot of new misery. I don't know what's worse, being here with my mom or at home with dad.
I press call and throw my phone on the dashboard. After a few seconds he picks up. "Hi, honey, what's up?" Why does he always act so differently when he is at work?
"Hi Dad, I'm driving back home now, but I'm late, so is it okay that I drive straight to the meeting?" My eyes land on the clock for a moment, 8:15 pm. If things don't go wrong, I will be there on time.
"Yes, as long as you get home on time."
"That's just the problem," I begin. "Everyone stays over." I pause to see if he will answer.
"Jayden if I hear you're not at school tomorrow, something's going to swing, you understand?" I breathe a sigh of relief.
"Understood."
"See you tomorrow, drive carefully." I look at the phone in surprise for a moment. Did he really say "drive carefully". I shake my head and look back at the road. Dad has already hung up. It's been a long time since Dad was concerned about me, he never was. His words stay in my head all the way home. Drive carefully.
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Open the door... I almost want to turn around and walk back to the car when the front door opens. I stare into two bright blue eyes. I can't help but push myself into her arms.
"Jay? What's wrong?" She tries to act cool, but I know she can barely contain herself. I can't say it, I just can't.
I feel how she lifts me up, but I still keep my eyes closed, only when I hear a door close I open my eyes. We're in the garage. Charlie lowers me and gives me a concerned look.
"What happened?" She takes my face between her hands, her touch makes me relax. I feel so safe in her arms.
My eyes close again. "I went to see her."
"Who." Her voice is just a whisper.
"My mother." I open my eyes to look at her. Charlie is already looking into mine, her thumbs keep caressing my cheeks.
"How did it go?"
I look away for a moment. "It sucked." Charlie pulls me back into her arms.
"Are you okay?" I feel her warm breath on my neck and settle deeper into her arms.
"I have no idea." I really don't know and I don't know if I ever will be.
Charlie backs up slightly and lifts my chin. "Do you still want to hang out with those morons?" She bites her lip. "You don't have to."
I sigh softly. "I don't want it to pull me back, it has done enough already."
"Okay." Charlie looks back at me, her eyes warm and inviting. For a moment a grin appears on her face. "We can go upstairs..." I roll my eyes at her and smile as her hands travel down my back.
"With all those boys downstairs, not in a hundred years." We giggle. It doesn't take long for her lips to find mine and everything inside me is racing. I've been looking forward to this since Monday. I melt on her lips, let her take my misery away for a few seconds.
We break apart, we both know we have to go back. Charlie caresses my cheek one last time. "I can always take you home."
"I was hoping I could stay the night." I look away for a moment, afraid that I already read the answer in her eyes when I look at her.
"Jay." Shit, see. Charlie pulls me against her and lets me look at her. I don't see any rejection in her eyes, just peace. "You can always sleep here, okay?" Relieved, I push myself against her. "You never have to ask." She folds her arms around me for a moment. "Although I really really want to stay here with you like this, we really need to get back to the boys."
I nod and step back. "I hope Jake hasn't demolished anything in the meantime."
Charlie smiles. "Yes." Her hand slides into mine. "I hope so too." I let her drag me out of the garage. But before we can walk out, Charlie stops us. "Here, give me your bag, I'm going to take it upstairs." I actually want her to walk with me to the boys, but I give in. Let her take my bag and watch her run up the stairs.
Just breathe. I step onto the porch and am immediately greeted by the boys.
"There she is." Jake gets up to hug me. "Beer pong?"
"Yeah bye." I step away from him and punch Andrew. I give Keith a punch too and let myself sink into the couch. I ignore Walker and Taylor, who are staring at me. I would prefer to hit their heads with a brick.
"Jesus, couldn't you find the beers or something?" I look aside, follow Nolan's eyes. Charlie is standing in the doorway with a crate of beer and struggles to close the door.
"Would you like to shut up real quick?" Some guys laugh at her. "I had to help my mother." She puts down the crate of beer and sits down in a chair. I almost think it's a shame, but then I see that the boys are too close to me. Charlie and I look at each without people knowing, God how I would like to sit next to her.
"Alright." Keith claps his hands and gets up. "I'm going to prepare beer pong, who's in?" His eyes land on me, but I am already gently shaking my head.
"The master, of course." Jake jumps up and pulls Andrew with him.
"Jay?" The boys look at me.
I try to smile. "Nah, not tonight guys."
"Please?" I see Charlie roll her eyes across from me.
"No, I don't think so."
Andrew grabs Keith. "Then we have to show them how it's done, buddy."
"Oi, I'm here too." I laugh at Jake. Idiot. Almost all boys play beer pong. Only Charlie, Nolan, Clay and I remain seated.
"A game of Ride the bus?" Nolan gives us a questioning look.
Charlie grins and pulls out a packet of cards. "I like the idea, Jay?"
"One game." Charlie gets up and sits next to me, the panic for the drinking game subsides when her leg hits mine.
"We're not doing the hardcore version," she says while shuffling the cards. "Who has a problem with Jay drinking 0.0?"
"If I can drink it too!" Clay teases.
"You drink, asshole." Charlie looks at me. "Black or red?" I look into her eyes, almost forgetting I have to answer.
"Red."
"Sheeesh." She tosses my card. The others have to drink because they guessed wrong. The game goes fast, at the Christmas tree (or triangle, it's just how you put the cards down) I only had to drink a few times, everyone went for Charlie, who was not really happy about that. Clay was on the bus, on a 14-ticket bus, man he had to drink a lot. And then a song came up from AC / DC and the guys jumped up to sing along and acted like idiots with each other.
Charlie shakes her head and tosses the cards on the table. She sits back, I follow her example and take my bottle in my hands.
"How are you holding up?" I put my leg against hers and look into her eyes.
She slides her finger down my leg. "Just fine." Her finger slides from my knee to my hip and it takes my breath away. "There's a reason I'm holding back."
"Is that so?" She nods, she shoves her little finger over mine, her eyes continue to hold mine and I would like nothing more than to lean in on her, but I can't.
"I'm also not in the mood for another black eye." We both laugh at that. It has healed nicely, you can't see it anymore and her knuckles are normal again.
I don't do anything if she lets our fingers dangle intertwined between our legs. It feels so damn good when my hand is in hers.
"Or to put it in another way, you're not in the mood for yelling at coach Lewis." I grin at her face. "And a headache."
"Stop, I'm almost at the point to get an Advil." We chuckle again. "Still, I would do it again." She looks into my eyes, blushing. I look away for a moment. I knew she was concerned about me.
"Truth or dare!" We let go of each other's hand as Clay and Andrew plop down on the sofa with us and we see everyone, except for a few boys, sit back in their chairs.
"Who won?"
"I don't want to talk about it," says Gino, pretending to have suffered emotional damage from beer pong.
"Baby." He gets a punch from Keith.
"But truth or dare guys." I see Charlie roll her eyes next to me.
"Apparently we are in fifth grade again." Charlie takes her glass from the table and takes a sip. "If the questions are only focused on sex, I'm gone."
"Okay, the subject is sex," Andrew grins.
"Very funny." Charlie shakes her head.
"I'll start, Jake." Andrew looks at Jake.
"Why is it always me?" He almost looks insulted which makes almost everyone chuckle. "Dare."
"Finish your glass."
"You just want to see me drunk, dork." Jake shakes his head before throwing back his glass. "My turn." He looks around the group. "Dylan?" It keeps going like this for a while. These are mainly drink-related assignments and to my relief I am mainly skipped. Charlie, on the other hand, is often singled out. I'll see how she keeps faking the way she finishes her beer.
"Jay." I shake my mind and look at Jake. Spare me. "Truth or dare?"
"Truth." I really don't am in the mood for a dare, knowing Jake will give me a shitty assignment, even if it wasn't meant to be like that.
"What were you doing on your first date?" I swallow, great, what a shitty question. Everyone looks at me questioningly.
I lean forward and put down my bottle. "I've never been on a date," I admit.
"What?" A few say in unison. I can feel Charlie's eyes burning in my head, but I ignore her.
"I always thought it was just a bit of bullshit and was busy playing baseball, I just let it go a little bit."
"So you've never been out over dinner with anyone." I almost laugh at Jake's head.
"Nope." I throw an empty beer can at him.
I hear Walker moan. "I'm so done with this game."
"Quit whining, you may have been chosen twice," snorts Charlie.
"So, it's still a shitty game." Walker sits back with a sigh.
"I'm done with it too," admits Nolan. I see that the other guys don't really like it anymore.
Clay yawns. "I'm going home in a minute, it's already 1 o'clock and we have classes tomorrow."
"I know a pretty good dare to end this night," Andrew grins.
"What are you thinking?" Moans Keith.
"The dare is for Charlie."
"Yes bye, you can kiss my ass." She sits back and crosses her arms. "I think you will survive if I back out of this one."
Andrew grins at her. "Are you scared?" Oh shit.
"It's not a question of whether I'm scared or not, I—"
"She's scared," Gino tunes in, pissing her off. Charlie clenches her hands into fists. as soon as everyone agrees.
"Will you stop if I do it?" The boys grin.
"Come on." Andrew smiles when he gets punched.
She sighs. "Well what's the dare?"
"You can end the evening with a song." I watch Charlie's head fall back and she moans. "Because I'm good at that, you say?" I take the boys' silence as a yes.
"Come on, Charlie, you can't back out now."
"Fine, play Lewis Capaldi's Bruises." My eyes almost pop out of my head, she knows that's a high number right? "I'll start with the pre chorus."
The boys get excited and Jake has trouble typing in the song. I feel like I'm the only one who believes this will be a major failure, but maybe that's why they're so excited.
The first sounds of the song are heard, this must be a karaoke version because I don't hear anything. Charlie moves her leg back and forth next to me on the beat of the song and she seems to be counting.
"Whoop whoop, Charlie," Jake encourages, almost laughing. She is in her utmost concentration. Either she plays along very well, or she can sincerely sing. I don't trust any of this at all.
Charlie nods along and when I think she's not going to do it anymore, she opens her mouth.
"I've been told, I've been told to get you off my mind." I see how Andrew smiles when he sees my face. My mouth is probably hanging on the floor in surprise. Holy shit, I never knew she could sing.
"There must be something in the water." Jesus fucking christ. That high note was clean. I think I turned into a statue, because everything takes a long time to process because when I blink and look at her again, the song is over and she pushes some guys aside with a grin.
"Happy now?" She sits back again.
"Hell yeah, if I die now, I don't mind." Clay fist bumps her and gets up to walk to the door. "It was fun guys. Carter let's go." I stare at the boy with the blonde hair. He hasn't said anything to me since the encounter on my first day.
"Next time we'll do karaoke." Gino winks before walking in the house like the other boys. I can still hear how they greet Camilla.
"Well, I don't think so." Charlie gets up to put all the beer bottles together.
"Ah, let them dream." Gosh how is Keith always drunk. "Do you need another ride?" He hiccups in the middle of his sentence.
"No, and otherwise you wouldn't drive." Charlie pushes him towards the door.
"Why not?" He hiccups again.
Charlie rolls her eyes. "She's staying—"
"I'm staying over," I interrupt. Charlie looks at me, it takes a lot of effort not to approach her.
"Girls night?" Keith pretends to swing his imaginary long hair over his shoulder.
"No, Keith, just no." Charlie ignores him and cleans up all the red cups. "Go to bed, you're drunk."
"Tsss." He disappears inside and that's my cue to help Charlie.
I look at her out of the corner of my eye. She empties some cups into the sink and picks up some empty bags of Cheetos from the floor. I can't help but look at her for a moment, see how she cleans it up very concentratedly. It doesn't take long before I think about her hands, how they would slide over my body. I quickly avert my gaze, gosh she really does things to me.
"Is your mother okay with me sleeping over?"
Charlie looks up from the garbage bag and stares straight into my eyes. "Of course." When she notices that I am not completely convinced yet, she comes over to me. "I asked her when I brought your bag upstairs, relax." I sigh softly as she pulls me closer. "And otherwise I would have sneaked you in." I smile and let her hug me, she gently places her lips in my neck.
Unfortunately, I immediately think of Keith. "Charlie, what if Keith sees us."
"He's probably unconscious on his bed or on the bathroom mat." She says in between kisses. Despite I want to believe her, I'm still afraid he'll come back to bully Charlie about something.
So I step back even though I loved the way she caressed my neck with her lips. "We still have to clean up." I turn away from her so I don't have to see her rejected look and change my mind.
"Jay." I take a trembling breath as I feel her fingers slide over my arms.
"How is it going here?" Charlie immediately lets go of me and picks up her garbage bag from the floor before her mother can see us.
"We're almost done," Charlie says quickly. "How's Keith?"
"With my help he lays in bed now, he falls asleep immediately." I have my back turned to them, toss some cups in a garbage bag. "Don't mind this, I'll clean it up, you two go to bed."
"Mom."
"Charlie." I know they are having a staring contest, trying to win each other over with their eyes. Eventually I hear Charlie sigh.
"Fine, but I'll do it next time."
Camilla smiles. "Mm-hm." Now I have to turn around. I stuff some last things into my garbage bag, put a smile on my face and turn around.
"Are you sure you don't need any help?"
Camilla waves her hand and shakes her head. "You've already cleaned up most of it, so dive into bed." Yeah shit. I let Camilla take over the garbage bag and follow Charlie inside after a quick goodbye. We don't say anything to each other when I follow her up the stairs to the bedrooms.
She pushes open the door where I slept last time and stops in the doorway when I walk in.
"Good night, Jay." I turn to her, I don't want her to leave, but she can't stay, I know that.
"Good night." She gives me a smile with her lips pressed together and closes my door, the feeling that I have hurt her grows and I let myself fall on the bed with a groan.