My head was pounding, my thoughts were scattered all over the place. I shut the door with a thud on the guard's face and tried to hold myself still.
'What if the baby is not Xanders?'
Those words, the way he said them as if he was sure that the child growing inside me was not Xander's hurt, they sliced through my stomach like a sharp knife and I wanted to die. I want to let it go.
What if it's the truth?
What if the baby is not Xanders but of the men who assaulted me? What will happen to me? What will happen if the baby is born? Will Xander disown the baby?
If Xander get a wind of all this, it will be over for me. He wil rip me of everything. He will hate me, he will look at me like some disgusting person. I don't want him to do that. I don't want Xander to just think of me like some low life who got assaulted and wants to pin herself on him for saving.
Tears steamed down my cheeks as I thought of all the possible things that might happen. How will his family look at me?
No one knows that I am carrying their baby, everyone knows that Kendra is expecting.
Shifting my gaze down on my belly, I place my hands on the small bump that is starting to show. It is two months but my belly looks like it already four months.
I want to assure the little person growing inside my belly that everything is going to be okay.
How will things be okay though? I fear for this little being. Anything can happen. This little being can be resented, hated and despised.
I carry myself and head over to the washroom. As much as I resent the people who assaulted me, I know I can't let this baby go. I know I can't assume that there is nothing happening in my belly. Whether the Whites will take this being or no, all I want is for him or her have a good life.
Settling myself on the toilet seat, I hold my belly again, rubbing it gently. 'Hey you, if you can hear me, mama loved you. She lives you very much and it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whether the world will recognize you or not. Mama still lives you. She will be there. Even if the Whites takes you, I will try and she there for you."
This is the feeling that I have for this little being. Even if I am not supposed to have attachments, I still want to have something with him. One day if I won't take care of him or her, this being will still know that I loved her.
I wanted to take a shower but I walked to my bed. I didn't want to sleep, I wanted to relax and think through. I have to come with a plan. What will happen if things go side ways. I have various courses to pick from. Xander suggested I pick virtual assistant since it's marketable in the industry.
My dream was to be a fashion designer. Create beautiful clothes for men. I don't know why men but I have always been fascinated with the way my dad dressed. His suits were always top notch. This is what I want to do. Make clothes.
For now, I can't go to fashion school, the only thing I can do, is pick the small choices that I have. Beggers can't be choosers.
Working with the virtual assistant is the main thing.
Looking through the basics, I know I can do it. At the same time, I wi try and work with social managing services.
Maybe it's high time I accept that, Xander is my brother in law and stop imagining scenes that will never happen.
If Kendra and her mother managed to take everything away from me, I don't think I will have a chance even with Xander. She will kill me if she hears of it. What is hers stays with hers, but for me, am not supposed to have anything.
The baby am carrying is hers, the man I once called my boyfriend is now his side guy. The house I once had, now belongs to her. Nothing, will ever be mine.
I don't know if I should start having my thing?
Yeah, I need to. Xander sent the first payment but I know Kendra is aware and if she decided to get it, she will, that is why I don't want to have anything related to her.
This is the plan, get a course, work on the course and establish myself.
A vibration, etched me from my thoughts. Looking at the caller id, it was Xander.
I had promised myself to avoid him just some few minutes ago but I can't do that to him at this point. He needs a shoulder to cry on or someone to rely on.
Wiping my tears, I answer the call.
"Are you okay?" That is the first thing that comes out of his mouth.
I know I am not okay.
I have not been okay but ever since I realised that I am expecting. There is a knot in my throat that makes me feel bad. I am holding a secret from him.
I have wanted to get a test done but I heard it is painful to do a DNA test when the child is still in the belly.
"The driver said you seem distraught when you walked out of the hospital, Vee, is everything okay?" He asks again
I don't want to confuse him, I don't want to say the truth. How will he feel that his wife is busy spready his legs for Josh while his mother is laying ins the bed sick and suffering from insomnia?
"Someone puked on the toilet seat and i accidentally stepped on it."
I know, I am a bad liar, that was not supposed to be said.
He let out a chuckle. His voice vibrating through the phone is something that calms me down. The masculinity that it carries when he is talking and s what makes me want to hear it over and over.
"Sorry, maybe they were not feeling well. Gues that little champ, hates dirt and untidy places." He says.
I hate myself for doing this. That was an expensive private hospital that it's unlike for someone to find anything like that.
"I guess ,how is your mum?" I changed the topic. If he continue talking about the situation, I might slip and say the truth and I don't want to say it.
Instead of replying, he asks me to turn to video call. I give him a hundred reasons why I don't want the video but he threatens to ask the guard to force me do a video call.
"There you go," he says. Looks like he is not in the hospital or he is outside.
"Where are you? Is Sofie there?" I ask. I am rumbling and he quickly furrows his eyebrows as he adjusts the phone.
"Vee, were you crying?" He asks again when he sees my face clearly.
"Xander, it's nothing, am just worried, that's all. Any information?"
He sighs and looks on he sides but things his glance at me.
"I wish my wife was this concerned as you. He doesn't seem bothered."
His statement breaks my heart. I know Kendra doesn't care much about feelings. It's just like my step mother who doesn't care the effect their behaviour have on people. I don't know what I should tell him. I can't say the truth for now.
"Xander, it's going to be okay. Be strong."
I hate those words now, 'be strong, everything is going to be okay,'
Nothing is going to be okay. The next thing that might happen will be a blood shed or someone will be hurt badly.
"I should be saying that, thanks though. Plus Sofie got here some few minutes he is with mom inside the room."
He doesn't look okay. I can't tell him to come over so that he can rest. That, he will never do. I think it ways to make him cheer up but I lack words.
"You can sneak over for few minutes,"
I blurt out. This is the stupid thing I can say. His face softens and he smiles. The dimples that isplays themselves on his cheeks shows themselves. I smile, I know it's wrong but allow me to do this until his mother feels better.
"Vee, I wish I could sneak over and just come talk to you, hold you and snuff your vanilla shampoo, I will be okay," he sighs and bows his head down. The smile on his face is replaced with a frown, "I can't do that. I want to catch this person who shot my mother on the head and made her lose his memories."
I understand him. That was the most inside thing to do. I nodded my head to show my agreement.
"She asked for you when she woke up you know," shock plasters on my face. I had even forgotten that she met me when she woke up.
"What did she say?" I asked to keep up with clthe conversation.
He scratched his head akwardly and looked at the stars, beforestaringvat me. I wanted to look at his expression but I realized that it was a mixture. I couldn't understand what it meant totally.
"She doesn't remember that I have a wife and was asking if I can make you my girlfriend since am getting old and lonely."
The pain that rode with those words could be felt in his voice.
I didn't know what to tell him. The fact that his mother doesn't remember Xander is married bothers me.
Fuck, he always removes his ring when we are together. When he wants to go back to his wife, he puts it on. I once saw him pull it off when he rang the bell and I was opening. I guess when he heard of the news he was confused and ran without putting it back.
"I have to go Vee, please take care of yourself and the baby. I might not see you for sometimes but I will keep in touch." With that, he ended the call.
I sighed and looked at my phone. 'Will everything be okay?'
"No, nothing is going to be okay, you bitch!!!"