It took some time for me to calm myself down.
Meanwhile, Lumine just held me close to her, occasionally patting my head. Not a single word was exchanged between us throughout the entirety of it.
Not that it's necessary.
The mere fact that she's there, by my side, is enough to help me relax.
"How are you now?"
"Better… I guess."
Closing my eyes for a bit, I snuggled myself closer to her, drowning myself in the familiar floral scent of the blonde traveler. Noticing my arm wrapping around her waist, she giggled, opting to ruffle my hair in response.
With Paimon's constant munching in the background, the two of us enjoyed the otherwise quiet atmosphere under the shade of the fir tree.
"How long do you think it'll take for Paimon to finish?"
"Hmm…" feeling the slight vibration of her voice through her neck, the tickling sensation it gave me was surprisingly pleasant, "we did bring a lot of food, so maybe thirty minutes, at the very least?"
"I see. I was hoping we could stay here a bit longer."
"We could always come back some other time, you know? This could be our special place."
"Hmm, I'd like that."
After staying like this for a while, I opened my eyes and gently shook my head and tapped the side of her waist.
Understanding what I meant, she lifted her head and released her hold on me. Before she could ask, I stood up and offered my hand to her.
Taking my hand with a smile, I pulled her up and led her towards the edge of the cliff before sitting down once more.
Dangling both of our legs from the ledge, the strong breeze coming from the sea doesn't feel as cold under the afternoon sun.
Suddenly, a rather intrusive thought came to mind.
Despite how obvious it is that she enjoys being together with me, sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm in the way of her goal. Like I'm the reason she's not out there right now, searching for her brother.
"Lumine?"
Hands still holding onto each other, I looked towards the blonde traveler, meeting her eyes with my own.
"What is it, Yuu?"
Looking at those eyes filled with affection and adoration, I couldn't help but falter.
It's unreasonable to think like this, but I couldn't help the doubt creeping in the back of my head.
"Am I holding you back?"
Stunned at my words, she froze. The moment she processed what I just said the smile on her face disappeared, replaced by a frown. I felt my hand being gripped just a bit tighter. "What? Why would you think that?"
Turning away from her, I looked towards the horizon, not daring to meet her worried gaze.
"I mean, instead of indulging me like this, you could be looking for your brother right now, you know?"
I really shouldn't think like this. It's irrational. I feel like I'm insulting her with the words coming out of my mouth right now.
Unfortunately, riddled with fear and doubt, my brain is making me think of bad things a million miles a minute.
"Yuu—"
"Teyvat is a large place, I really shouldn't be wasting your time like this."
Now that I think about it, haven't I basically been dragging her along with me this entire time?
"Stop it."
God, how selfish could I possibly be?
"Maybe… maybe we should get going, huh? There's still daylight left to burn, so we could still—"
Slap!
"Stop. Talking."
The stinging pain on my left cheek brought me out of my downward spiral. Gently rubbing the spot where she slapped me, I couldn't help but blurt out the first thing that came to mind.
"You hit me."
"I did, and now you're finally out of it."
"You actually just hit me."
"What? It worked just fine this time."
"Domestic violence? Really? This early in our relationship?"
"What can I say, sometimes violence really is the answer."
Staring at each other for some time, the tense atmosphere was broken by the sudden laughter coming from my mouth.
Unable to maintain her stoic façade, she too was reduced to a giggling mess, though she had the mental faculties to drag me away from the edge of the cliff in the middle of it.
When our laughter died down, the two of us were lying on our backs, staring at the skies in silence.
Amidst the quiet atmosphere, I realized what I had been saying previously and couldn't help but feel embarrassed.
"Sorry. I guess I was not okay after all."
"Shush. Stop talking and just enjoy the scenery for a bit, yeah?"
"…okay."
This time, the silence went by for much longer.
Eventually, I heard a slight rustling sound coming from her direction and suddenly, I found myself being straddled, with Lumine staring intensely at me with both of her hands next to my head.
"Talk to me."
"…"
"Please." Lifting one of hand, she brushes my hair away, giving her a clear view of my indigo eyes. "I'm worried about you."
Even in this situation, I couldn't help but hesitate. The person that was trapped all alone in this world, having been painfully separated from the one person she cares about the most, the one that is arguably in a situation far worse than I have ever been in… is it right for me to unload my baggage on her like this?
'I don't want to burden her with something so trivial in comparison.'
"It's not trivial."
"Wha–!"
Shutting down my surprise with a kiss, she lowered her body towards mine. With our body pressed together, she continued the kiss for a bit longer before breaking away. "Look at me, Kamiyama Yuu."
Once she saw that my attention was solely focused on her, she continued her words. "Nothing, and I mean nothing, that could bother you to this degree, would ever be trivial to me.
"No matter how small you think your problem is compared to mine, I won't look down on you for talking about it. I love you, Kamiyama Yuu, I care about your well being.
"So please, don't shut yourself out and talk to me."
The serious look on her face, coupled with her soft yet confident tone almost makes me want to believe her. Almost.
"Those words… do you mean all of them?"
"Every single one."
Seeing not a single hint of deceit on her face, I hesitantly wrapped my arms around her waist and pressed our bodies even closer, seeking some form of assurance from the familiar warmth it gave me.
Not putting up any resistance, she surrendered herself to me, content with simply laying there, both our foreheads touching each other.
It took some mental preparation before I began to talk.
"My life before this one was nothing special."
Moving the both of us to a more comfortable position, I sat up and positioned the blond traveler onto my lap, with her still facing my direction and her arms wrapped around my neck.
"It wasn't anything exciting like yours. And compared to this world filled with magic, gods, and mythical creatures, the world I lived in seems dull in comparison.
"Not to say I hated my previous life or anything. I'd say that, by my world's standard, my life was quite good. My parents love me; we never really lacked for anything; and I could probably have most of the things I wanted if I asked for it."
Lumine simply laid her head on my shoulders. Occasionally, she would ruffle my hair, or caress my cheek, or other simple gestures like that. As if reminding me that she's there, listening to everything I'm telling her.
"My childhood was… ordinary. Aside from the fact that I am shy and slightly smarter compared to other children, I was relatively unremarkable. If there was one thing that stands out in my otherwise normal childhood, it would be the fact that I would be constantly compared to my more prodigious peers by my mother.
"I'm pretty sure she didn't mean to discredit the things I've done, but to the younger me, it was incredibly demoralizing. Fast forward towards my teenage years, any semblance of confidence I have in myself was gone. I stopped trying hard in a lot of things, content with simply cruising through whatever life throws at me. After all, nothing I do would ever be enough for her."
The more I speak, the more agitated I become. Thankfully, the tight squeeze coming from the blonde traveler sitting on my lap managed to ground me back to reality.
"When I entered a higher level of education at the age of 15, things didn't go as wrong as I expected it would. In fact, it went well. Surprisingly well, considering I never bothered to take whatever they gave me seriously."
"Wait." Moving away from my shoulders, she stopped brushing my hair and looked directly at me. "Isn't that a good thing?"
"You'd think so right? I thought so at the time too. I didn't stop at just doing well, I managed to excel, even. The shattered confidence I had in myself started to form once more, and I ended up making the worst decision I could have at that time.
"I started to believe in myself. Or rather, the newfound confidence that I have."
Seeing the incredulous look on her face, I couldn't help but laugh. "Hahaha, strange isn't it? It should've been a good thing, no?"
Shaking my head in exasperation, I sighed, thinking of how stupid I was back then.
"Unfortunately, what I thought was confidence was merely arrogance in disguise. I didn't really change in terms of personality, at least I'd like to think so. But my thought process did, and not for the better either.
"The fact that I managed to excel without even trying, gave me the skewed perception that I was above everyone else. So I started to look down on them. I didn't do so openly, but always, in the back of my mind, the disdain was always there.
"Three years. It went unchecked for three years. I put on a mask, playing the part of the smart, friendly person in front of my peers for three years. And finally, after three whole years, I managed to obtain the one thing that made my mother proud.
"It was… unbelievably euphoric. For the first time in a long time, I felt complete. I have finally achieved something worthwhile. The missing piece of the puzzle that I've been searching for the better part of my short life is finally mine."
It was. It really was. The one person I've only ever wanted the approval of, the one person I have been seeking validation from, has finally, properly, looked in my direction. That single moment was the happiest in my entire life.
Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end.
"But things just went downhill from there."
"What happened?"
"Well… let's just say that I had the rug pulled from under me."
At the start of a new chapter in my messed up life, I was snapped back to reality. Amidst thousands upon thousands of people within what I would call a personal hell of mine, I felt like I did not belong there. I was a sheep amidst a pack of wolves. A fake.
An impostor.
"I… didn't take it well. At all. So I regressed, back to that meek child, desperately seeking the approval of his own mother. I'd argue it was even worse this time.
"If there's one thing that did not change, it would be the fact that I still wore that same mask in front of my new peers. Struggling to maintain any semblance of stability in my life, I fall back to the one thing that I was good at. Pretending.
"And, for the next four years, I was nothing but an actor, desperately running a one man show inside a burning theater. Every connection and friendships I've made, no matter how genuine it seems, feels so very fake. I became paranoid, second guessing anything and everything around me.
"Every conversation I was not a part of, I couldn't help but think that they're badmouthing me. Every conversation I was a part of, I couldn't help but think that it was only done out of obligation, or pity. Every stare I received from people, I couldn't help but feel like they're silently judging me. It's maddening."
Burying myself on the crook of her neck, I felt my body start shaking. The memories and emotions I so desperately try to forget are coming back to me. I don't like it. I… I really don't like it.
Please. I don't want to remember.
"I felt myself slipping. I had a hard time distinguishing what is even real at that point. Everything felt fake. It kept going, every single day for four years. Until, at some point, it became too much.
"I… stopped functioning. I locked myself away in the hopes of not losing my mind any further than I already did. I became afraid of connecting with other people, because I couldn't trust anyone. I distanced myself from my family, because I felt like I was nothing but a burden to them."
Unable to stop the tears streaming down my face, I buried myself deeper into the blond traveler, not wanting her to see me in such a pathetic state.
"I was tired. So unbelievably tired. I was trapped, and I saw no way out. So I did something I should've done from the very beginning."
Taking several deep breaths, I desperately tried to calm myself down. I felt the grip she had around me tighten.
"Yuu…? What did you do?"
"Since there was no way out…"
It was suffocating. It was painful. Despite that, my head has never felt so clear in my entire life.
"…I carved myself a new one."