What happened to me before I woke up at that lake?
The last moments of my life have always been a question I was never able to answer. No matter how hard I tried to remember, I was never able to recall what had happened.
At the time, I thought it was not that big of a deal. After all, why bother thinking about the past when my present condition at the time warrants my full attention?
So I shelved it to the back of my mind and never questioned it further.
Now, it seems that not remembering would've been the better outcome.
A single question, a single request, and a single moment of vulnerability was all it took for everything to come bursting out.
What started as a series of disjointed fragments of a familiar room, it slowly started to piece itself back together into a single coherent memory.
The ever present darkness; the white curtain lowered as much as it possibly could, not allowing a single stream of sunlight into the room; the surprisingly tidy interior despite the owner's chaotic state of mind; and within its center, a familiar young man sat on the floor, despair written all over his face.
Me.
Long disheveled black hair, the visible bags under his eyes, the lethargic expression practically carved into his face, all of it painted a clear picture of a young man at the end of his rope.
Clenched within his right hand is an unfolded black butterfly knife, the one I hid on the bottom most drawer within the closet as an emergency.
It was a scene I never expected to see in my life.
There were times where I've thought of cutting my life short, but I was never able to go through with it for the simple reason that I was too afraid.
Yet, the person in front of me had no such fear on his face. He was sitting still, so incredibly still that I would've thought him dead, had it not been for the slight movement of his right hand and the constant clicking of the knife being opened and closed repeatedly.
I tried to speak, yet no voice came out of my mouth. I tried to move, yet my body is glued to the place I'm standing. With no control over my body, I was forced to watch whatever was about to happen.
Eventually, the clicking stopped.
And the nightmare began.
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________
To say that she was surprised would be an understatement.
If there's one thing she realized about the person that is Kamiyama Yuu, it would be the fact that he severely lacks any kind of confidence in himself.
Despite being the reliable person that he is, his proficiency in combat, and having the reputation of being a reliable adventurer, and recently, of being Mondstadt's hero, she could see, all too clearly as time goes by, that despite people's acknowledgement of his feat, despite the belief they had on him, he did not believe in himself.
She didn't think much of it. People like him are not rare. She, being the good girlfriend that she is, planned to instill some confidence in him, make him realize his worth, make him realize that he shouldn't belittle himself so, because to her, he was not whatever he thought himself to be.
What she didn't realize, however, was how deep the issue ran.
"Trivial?! Trivial my ass, you damned puppet! What part of your life experience seems trivial to you?!"
She was furious. Understandably so.
Being the person that he is, she somewhat expected him to downplay his issues, despite being clear to her how much it bothers him. It was fine, she thought. Whatever it is that's bothering him, she'll be there to listen and, hopefully, help him through it.
She underestimated how much he would downplay his issues.
"Why are you like this?!"
The moment he finished his story, she immediately understood the implication of his words.
Letting her grip loosen, she was about to speak when she noticed the strange state he was in. His eyes looked lost, he didn't respond to her calls, and, the thing that scared her the most, is how unnaturally cold his body was.
It reminded her of a puppet whose strings were cut.
After several futile attempts at trying to get any response from him, she carried his body around her shoulders and brought him back towards the picnic area.
Putting his body down next to the blanket, she stored everything she could inside her inventory: plates, utensils, even Yuu's bag. Left with only a white mask and the unconscious Paimon, she put the mask on the unresponsive Yuu before carrying the puppet and the fairy towards the closest teleport waypoint.
For once, she was glad that there were no enemies blocking her way.
Once she reached her destination, she placed her free hand onto the floating device and concentrated on teleporting towards the one closest to Mondstadt.
An instant later, she felt a slight shift in her surroundings before she was greeted by the sight of a familiar bridge she's crossed multiple times in the past few days.
With one of Yuu's arms wrapped around her shoulder and holding Paimon close to her chest, she calmly made her way inside the city, despite how panicked she was on the inside.
Giving a half-hearted reply to the guards' greetings, she walked towards their inn and greeted the receptionist before climbing the stairs straight into her room.
Once she unlocked the door and made her way inside, she laid Yuu on top of the bed with Paimon right next to him. The moment she finished doing so, she locked the door and practically collapsed right after.
"Fuck."
Gripping her head with both of her hands, she tried her best to not scream in frustration.
She's not sure what she's supposed to do now.
"I could take him to the church, I heard the sisters over there are proficient in healing, particularly the Deaconess Barbara."
She was not quite sure how exactly the elements function in this world, aside from the obvious combat application. Even if it could heal someone, she was not quite sure whether it would be capable of healing something that's not a physical injury.
"Besides, he's a puppet. Can something like that even be healed?"
Standing up, she walked to the side of the bed, looking over the unresponsive Yuu.
"First, I'll wait and see whether he'll regain his consciousness by nightfall. If not, I'll just take him to the church. Who knows, maybe they can do something about this."
With her decision made, she picked up Paimon and held her close like a doll. Taking the right side of the bed, she sits up next to Yuu, occasionally petting the sleeping Paimon as a way to calm herself down.
"It'll be fine. Stop worrying."
In an effort to drown the sound of her beating heart, she repeated those words, over and over as if they're a chant. Grabbing hold of one of Yuu's hands, she desperately searched for the familiar warmth that was no longer there.
"It'll be fine."
She could feel the patched-up hole in her heart starting to widen slowly, reminding her of the time when her brother was taken away from her. A feeling she would rather forget. A burning sensation she could live without.
"Everything's going to be just fine."
And so she sat there, surrounding herself with her two unconscious companions: one that had lost his grip in reality, and the other she didn't want to disturb in fear of scaring the little fairy with the current situation. She feared that it'll only make her feel even worse than she already is.
It's better for the little fairy to be unaware, she thought.
Ignorance is bliss after all.
The wait was excruciating. She wanted to go outside and fight something in order to calm herself down, yet she was afraid that the moment she leaves, he would wake up and find himself all alone.
And right now, she decided that that is the last thing that he needed.
So she waited. And waited. And waited.
By the time night came around, the waiting had left her with frayed nerves.
"That's it! I'm going to–"
Suddenly, the grip on her right hand tightens, nearly making her drop the sleeping Paimon. Hastily balancing herself, she heard a gasping sound coming from the now conscious Yuu. He shot up, frantically looking around the room, his breath short and rapid.
"Yuu! Are you okay?!"
"Can't… breathe…."
Before she could say anything, he suddenly took of his mask and loosened his belt before sliding off his outer garb, exposing the black high-collared undershirt that he hastily took off and practically threw it to the floor, a resounding thud was heard throughout the room when the attached neck piece hit the wooden floor.
"Haaah… haaah… much better."
After taking deep breaths multiple times and waiting for him to calm down a bit more, she placed Paimon down on the floor and leaned her towards the bed before slowly approaching him, afraid that any sudden movement would set him off.
"How are you feeling?"
"…I feel like shit."
Facing his front, she moved her right hand in a slow and deliberate manner towards him, making sure that he could see it. Seeing him not rejecting her advances, she slowly wrapped an arm around his shoulder before sitting next to him.
She wanted to ask him if he wanted to talk about what happened, but the last time she asked him to do so, he was reduced into a catatonic state, so she held off, opting to prioritize his health and state of mind.
"I expected to just die alone, you know?"
She unconsciously tightened her hold around him. Understanding the implication and hearing the words actually coming from his mouth was a different matter altogether.
"And yet, a miracle happened."
It's hard to pinpoint what he's feeling from the tone of his voice. Was he happy that he got to live? Or was he sad that he has to experience life once again?
"The universe refused to let me die, so they sent me to live somewhere else as someone else.
"The Sixth of the Fatui Harbingers, the Balladeer, Scaramouche. Even in the wake of that realization, deep down, a part of me was glad.
"Because, even if I had to live once more as a person responsible for all kinds of bad things, the powers that be granted me the one thing I so desperately wished for at the end of my life."
Lifting his head, he looked straight at her with a faraway gaze and a smile that was not quite there.
"I wished to become anyone else but me."
Feeling him grabbing the arm around his shoulder, she released her hold and let him lift it away, placing it into the bed. Seeing him move towards the headboard, she grabbed the unconscious Paimon from the floor before feeling a pair of arms wrapping around her waist.
Though she was surprised, she didn't resist and let herself be lifted alongside the sleeping fairy on top of his lap, his leg stretched forward towards the foot of the bed.
Yuu tightly hugged her, as if afraid that she would leave him. She simply leaned her head on his chest, feeling the added weight of his head on top of hers.
There were no words exchanged between the two of them for a while. Eventually though, she was the one to speak first.
"I never once thought that you were holding me back."
She debated on whether to skirt around the issue or not. But she was reminded that the person behind her is someone that would not understand unless things were stated outright to his face in a direct manner.
"Though I would love nothing more than to find my brother as fast as possible, if there's one thing I've learned throughout my life, it's that there's no use in rushing things.
"I've learned a long time ago that rushing things would do more harm than good. You make more mistakes, you tend to be less focused, not to mention adding unnecessary stress and anxiety into your already taxed mind at that point.
"As you said before, Yuu, Teyvat is a large place. Planning things out, asking for some help from the authorities, exploring hidden and deserted areas, stuff like that? Those things take time, no matter how much you don't want it to. It's better for us to take some time to cast as wide a net as possible than to run ourselves ragged, don't you think?"
Hearing a hum in response, she held Paimon closer, while nuzzling deeper into his body.
"Then… you don't hate me?"
"No, of course not."
"...are you sure?"
"One hundred percent."
"...I see."
Though he said it like that, she couldn't help but think that he doesn't really believe her. That's fine though, she has plenty of time to convince him otherwise. It'll probably take a while, but she didn't mind.
"Speaking of rushing things…."
Feeling the grip on her waist tighten, she couldn't help but worry about what he would ask her.
"Do you think that, perhaps, we were rushing into things? This relationship, I mean."
Hearing his question, she mulled over her words. She already knows the answer, it was quite obvious really. Coupled with her knowledge of how he was before coming to this world, it explained a lot of things about his behavior.
"Honestly?" Feeling herself slipping, she sat up a bit before repositioning herself on top of him. "We might have. You might realize this already, but to me, having lost my brother, the one person that I can rely on to always be with me, is not easy.
"Perhaps my wanting to be with you has to do with the fact that, in my desperation to have some sort of anchor in this foreign world, I gravitated towards you, who have shown time and again how reliable you are.
"However." Before he could put any more negative thoughts into her words, she decided to clarify what she meant. "Though it might have started that way, I really do love you, you know? Even if you find that hard to believe, I'll always remind you of that fact until you do."
Hearing a sigh coming out of his mouth, she thought that perhaps, she had messed things up.
"The fact that I never really said anything about your advances probably only reinforced your action huh?"
"...yes."
"I don't really blame you though. How could I?" Hearing the faint laughter coming from him, maybe she didn't mess up after all. "Though me not refusing your advances probably stemmed from my rather… unfortunate experience, I really do not mind. I enjoy it, even."
She couldn't help but wince. Knowing the full picture, she really felt like she had taken advantage of him.
"I suppose that, deep down, I yearned to connect with someone on an emotional level. Although I do have a hard time trusting people, I thought that here, I could start over. Not quite the clean slate I would've liked, but I can't really complain, can I?
"It helps that I'm not me anymore. It felt like the mask that I've worn my entire life has finally become a part of me, giving me the courage that I needed to push through. Though I suppose, it was nothing more than an illusion after all, huh?
"No matter how much I don't want to, deep down, I'm still me. That meek, worthless child, who wished for nothing more other than his mother's validation. A two-faced bastard, who lived a life filled with lies and deceit. A failure of a human being."
"Stop that."
She hates hearing him talking himself down like this. He is so much more than he thinks he is, and she'll be damned if she doesn't remind himself of that fact.
"Kamiyama Yuu, stop belittling yourself. You're not useless, you're not worthless, and you most certainly are not a failure."
"But–"
"Let me finish, okay?" Feeling the grip on her waist relax, she took that as a signal to continue. "Margaret told me that you helped this city when no other adventure did during Dvalin's reign of terror. All those hilichurl camps forming around the city? Destroyed, because of you."
"The pay was too good to pass up…."
"Regardless." Giving him a slight pinch for the interruption, she continued. "It is an undeniable fact that you eased the burden that the city was facing. Not only that, you continued to lend your aid towards them. Disregarding your motivation, you helped the god of this city in stealing his lyre, you prevented us from being entangled with the Fatui, hell, you even defeated the majority of the Abyss Order when we were on that cliff!
"You helped me." Turning her body around, she looked straight into his eyes with all the seriousness she could muster. "You helped me settle into the city, you explained a lot of things about how things work, you gave me information that would've taken me time, a lot of time mind you, to gather in order to help me prepare myself for the future.
"So please, Yuu, don't ever think of yourself as a useless, worthless, failure of a human being. Because all those things that you did? They are proof that you are the opposite of what you think of yourself as."
The silence in the room was deafening.
After some time, she started to feel nervous, was she being too much? Perhaps she should've tone things down a bit?
The silence was broken by the sobbing coming from the person in front of her.
"Yuu?"
"...do you think so, Lumine?" Not even bothering to wipe the tears streaming down his face, he asked her that question. The tone of his voice was weak, his expression filled with fear. "Do you really think so?"
Realizing what he asked of her, she gave her the best smile she could, the tone of her voice filled to the brim with confidence, her words clear, not giving him the slightest chance of misinterpreting what her words mean.
"Yes, Kamiyama Yuu. I really do think so."
The dam broke, and the tears he was desperately holding back were flowing freely.
Putting the still sleeping Paimon next to them, she wrapped both arms around his neck and brought him closer to her chest, rubbing his back occasionally in order to calm him down somewhat.
"It's okay, Yuu. Let it all out."
Listening to his cries, she hoped that this would be the last time she had to see him like this. Because she hated it, she hated how miserable he looked. He suffered enough. Even if the world is not done tormenting him, she, at the very least, would be there by his side to bring a smile onto his face.
And in turn?
She hopes that he will always accompany her in this world, no matter how far she has to travel. She hopes that he will be there to share the ups and downs of traveling together with her, no matter what it may be.
And eventually, she hopes that the two of them will find whatever it is they're searching for at the end of their journey.
All of us are travelers in the wilderness that is the world, and the best thing we can find in our travels is an honest friend.
In her case?
The person she can rely on. The person that's capable of trading barbs with her back and forth. The person that accepts her despite her flaws.
The person that she has come to love, despite how it all started.
"I will always be by your side, Kamiyama Yuu."