It's 3:20.
I awoke because I had a terrible nightmare. It's not the first time I've had it. It's dark and frightening. I have insomnia because I am afraid of falling asleep or seeing the darkest horrors, and worst creatures, and feeling bad.
You'll never know how it feels until you have the same taste as I did. My eyes constantly blinking. They aren't stable since I want to sleep but can't because of the dreams I've been having for the past few days. And it doesn't hurt too much because I'm used to it. That it also feels like it's a part of me like it's a part of my skin.
My head is almost spinning, I'm feeling nauseous, and I'm hot, therefore I'm sweating. I couldn't even muster the courage to sit correctly. I lay back, pushed the blankets aside, closed my eyes, and moved my right hand quickly in search of my phone, which was found under my pillow. I was yawning and felt exhausted. I checked my phone and discovered four missed calls. That was not my phone. It rang twice in the middle of the night.
It was Tasin's phone. And I'm guessing those missed calls were from a girl.
Because she also sent him some heart emojis and I saw a message from her as I scrolled down.
"I deserve a second chance, please contact me. I'm still missing you." This was her text.
This demonstrates to me that I am not the only stalker. This girl texts him almost every day, but he never texts her back. I'm not sure why, but it gave me nice vibes. I managed not to laugh when I spotted Tasin sleeping on the floor and cuddling a plushy. From my perspective, he appears more like a child than an adult but yet so sweet, nice, and fragile. I had a strong urge to trace the purple bruise on his neck with my fingers after catching sight of it. Since I'm on the bed and he's lying close by on the floor, if I released my grip, my fingers would probably be able to feel his face. He's either already dying from the cold or is about to freeze, so I grab my blankets, get out of bed, and reach him carefully. I covered him gently, steadily, and slowly to prevent him from waking up since, who knows, maybe he had to wake up for a very long time because I was so ill.
Is he just cuddling a pillow? What kind of person sleeps like that? I can't stand this man. He is unconcerned about anything. I hate him.
I fucking hate him so much.
Who told him to act like a guardian, like my mom, dad... stepdad, who doesn't really care but instead acts as if he fucking cares so much about me but I don't? True, I don't care about him because he's no match for replacing my father.
I glance at the ceiling, lost in thought, but all my meaningless thoughts are drowned out by Tasin's long sigh as he grips my right hand, mistaking it for a pillow or a blanket, which made me giggle at his childishness.
"You're cute."
Immediately, he lets go of my hand, his eyes slightly open, as if he awoke and heard exactly what I said, and perhaps his embarrassment was obscured by the darkness of this room, which I don't appear to know but could easily surmise.
"You heard me, didn't you?"
No reply.....
"Are you acting to be asleep?"
"Shut up, I was asleep and you woke me up. I'm hoping to sleep, " he replied as he moved his legs slightly on the cold floor to feel warm. I swallowed my saliva with all the words which I carried when he was asleep.
"Then why don't you talk, dumbo!!" I said as I looked at the floor, practically guessing his answer.
"It's because I'm not sure if you called me cute or if I misheard you, so I keep quiet."
"Why? Can't I say that?"
"You can, but..." He breaks at the last word and starts snoring loudly, almost pretending to be asleep which made me angry so I shout.
"But what?!" I utter my fragmented voice, which collapses in the room faster than air, and my eyes flicker and look in his direction, but in this darkroom, I can't actually find his eyes, but he isn't looking for mine, so I put my two hands on his arm, and shake him like a curious kid who wants to know anything that might sound suspicious.
"Now who's the kid, hah?" His voice is a blend of mocking and amusing acts. I laughed at his accusation but he doesn't laugh.
"Spill it."
"I was just surprised that you think I'm cute because all this while all I heard is 'idiot, asshole, stupid, duckhead' and many more from ya.....So I thought I was dreaming. It was nothing more than a dream for me."
I want to talk, but I don't have enough words to form a meaningful sentence. I try, but perhaps I'm not trying hard enough. I'd like to tell him that he's not the only one who believes he's dreaming. It's also me, myself, who believes I'm dreaming. I'm dreaming because I never say stuff like that. I'm not usually one to compliment others, but I thought he was cute. Was it just another freaking nightmare, as usual? Maybe I'll just chalk it up to a nightmare. But this nightmare appears to be absolutely stunning and magical. It's not like any other nightmare.
You know how sometimes you have the inclination of changing the topic when you delve too thoroughly into something and begin overthinking, which might lead to trouble? So it's sometimes best to trust our instincts. That is why my mind begins to investigate to locate a perfect topic, which may divert the topic into something different. That's exactly what I'm doing right now.
"Hey, your on the floor. Why don't you just go and sleep on the bed?" I said it which was an pure attempt of changing the subject and it seemed to grab his attention which was perfect.I was happy cause I can finally control his mind, somehow. He was moving slowly, trying to face me, as if he was waiting for me to ask him this question, and when I did, he was calm, but I can't see his expression since the room is dark, there's no current, and this idiotic hostel doesn't even have IPS. I stand up, walk towards the window, remove the curtains, rapidly open the window, and then open the door to our balcony, exposing the most wonderful moonlight cascading over our faces, hands, bodies...everything.
The moonlight pouring on us adds feeling to our incomprehensible, undesirable, and needy hearts, which we accept as a symbol of blessings. As I removed the curtains aside,the wind blows so quickly, impatiently on us, caressing our skin, inside our bedroom, and I close my eyes, but when I open them again, I see our room lighting up with stars, the white moon, and Tasin's smile.
Tasin's smile.
Despite this, it appears to be the most gleaming thing on the earth.
The stars appear lonely since they are no longer in couples, as if they are grieving in the late night sky, and I am the 'reason'. And I'm not sure why, maybe because it wants me to speak tonight, wants me to smile, cry, laugh, and scream loudly that 'No, I'm not alone any longer. I have a mysterious stranger who is concerned about me. Who is no longer truly a stranger? He deserves more than that.
Tasin is popping up, yawning, and struggling to sit straight without fainting because he appears sleepy. He was merely stroking his left eye with his index and middle fingers while the other was looking at the plushy but suddenly changes direction and moved, connecting with mine and I looked away.I pause for a moment before entering the balcony because I saw a cockroach and felt afraid, but I have to seem strong in front of Tasin or else he would make fun of me in the morning as usual.It's a good thing the cockroach disappears as soon as I beg it within my head. I hear Tasin taking the covers from over him, gripping the bed with one hand, releasing the pressure on it, and standing. He stretches for a few moments to get out of the sleepy zone, then follows me to the balcony like a lost puppy while I see him moving his puppy tail in my thoughts.
I was holding the balcony handrail at first, but then I saw Tasin push his back to the wall harshly and drag himself downwards, causing his buttock to touch the floor while his hands were in his pocket, and he looks calm, soft, peaceful who's just enjoying every little second of this night, the moonlight and the beautiful glittering stars that sparkle for him, for me...
For us.
I cross my two hands and keep my fingers entwined as I rest my elbows on the railings and glance up above the sky to see the night passing over us, not complaining but delaying to divulge the untold truth that I feel will be revealed very soon. I move my head to the right to glimpse him, his irrational reaction. He doesn't do anything but stare at me which eventually gave me the confidence to stare at him as time passes. We don't realize that this night may bring us a dilemma if we don't stop staring at each other.
The stare, which is not only pointless but also full of pure trouble, signifies much more than merely staring.
"For how long?" I actually meant the 'stare' where he first appears to understand but then acts as though he doesn't.
"What?" His eyes flit as if he's baffled when he's not. He simply enjoys puzzling me, and perhaps I enjoy it as well. He asked me a question even though he knew I couldn't answer it, so he just stopped staring at me for a moment, but then I see his two legs connected together and his chin resting on the middle of his knees, but he wraps his hands over his legs.He's not looking at me right now, but he's looking up at the sky, just like me. I was so freezing that I began coughing suddenly, and Tasin rose up as quickly as he could and rushed me, looking close at my eyes, and my face, and attempting to comprehend my complete predicament as I was sick.The weather is pleasant, and it gently, softly, and attractively adjusts our skin.My sneezing and his concern are unexpected to me because my mother never paid attention to such things; all she did after my father died was marry a wealthy guy. That's what she'd been hoping for.But this is not what I want. Yes, my eyes are prepared to be flooded with tears, but I don't want to cry.
I don't wanna cry. Not in front of him.
Not in front of Tasin.
But I can't help but let a few tears fall from my eyes, and Tasin notices but doesn't wipe them away; instead, he decides to leave them. He doesn't want to intrude on my private, so he turns around, looks the other way, and bites his lower lips while his back is on the handrails and his hands are on the pocket. Half of him wants to comfort me, but the other half is curious as to why I'm crying and blames himself for the source of my endless tears with no loud sounds coming from my mouth because I'm just at a loss for words and my face is expressionless. I just wanted to tell him and express my sentiments to him because he wasn't going to ask.
"I just miss my dad. I'm sorry If your feeling uncomfortable because of me. I should just stop crying.This seems weird." My voice is almost shaking, deeply hurt gasps and shaky breaths.
"No,it's not that.Take your own time." He says while his eyes are still on the ceiling but he doesn't dares to look back at me because he gave me some time to get to my normal state.
"I'm so sorry about this." I say while I wipe my tears with my arms.
"If you don't stop apologising then I will break your neck." His voice soothes inside my ears and brings a tiny smile on my face. Why is he always the wellspring of my happiness?
"I was only upset; mum must be happy without me, right?" When I say the word "without," my eyes widen, and he blinks twice before responding.
"This is common sense, buddy; a mother can never be happy without her son." He said this just as his hands slapped my shoulder, erasing the embedded pains and discomforts within me.
"I don't feel comfortable in that big house. I'm just not used to it. It's too big for me. I feel like a stranger so I don't wanna go there." Those words slipped away like wintertime fog as soon as they left my mouth. Our gaze is drawn to the dark scenery of birds flying over the sky. He seemed to be calm and sincere as I talked about my father and told him my personal information, he began to feel precious to me and if I don't tell him all of this, I'll die suffering from it inside me, I have to let it out. I don't have anyone to talk to. No one but him; in my eyes, he became the earth, the sky, and the stars. And he was well aware that I believed him. A sudden breeze brightens his face and tangles my silky hair as it stings my eyes.Tasin spotted the hairs in my eyes and my struggle to remove them, but they don't because the wind doesn't stop, and it was calling Tasin. It wasn't his responsibility to get closer and look. But he does, one step forward as if an invisible force is allowing him to do so, and then one step closer, and that's it. If he takes two more steps, I swear to God our brows will touch.
But he doesn't because he knows that two more steps could cause problems, so he comes to a halt and massages his neck, acting like nothing is bothering him, but I can see it clearly. He wishes to speak. Something bothers him, but he hides it and doesn't show it as I do. He stares back and forth before touching my hair, slowly pulling it from my eyes and placing it behind my ear, still not making eye contact. But he did spoke this time and I was looking at my shoulder, trying to avoid the situation.
He thinks for a second, then smiles and says, "If you don't want to move to that house, you may stay here, with me." His voice changes in light tone when he says, 'with me'. It sent shivers up my spine. I understand what he means. These are only a few words. But it sounds like a new punctuation mark that I've never heard of before. It's too dark in here, but I could feel his cheeks blushing and those transparent eyes flashing continually, alerting me to the fact that this is what he intended to do a few seconds ago, but he's late, late to touch my hair and firmly press fingers at the point of my ear by mistake.I caressed my ear with my chilly fingertips as soon as he turned away, distracting himself, recalling the sensation of his fingers pressed against my ear, and I felt strange. Weird enough to make anyone terrified.I inhaled sharply without even answering him.The juxtaposition of his words, moves, and touches is so strange and unexpected that it sometimes scares me. Not in a bad manner, but it scares me because it is more than it should or could have been. I shouldn't become used to it. I was taken aback by how wonderfully the dazzling stars projected his orbs. The tip of his nose glistened like diamonds. His penetrating eyes pierce into the darkest recesses of my heart. I always have a spherical sight of him.
"Hmm" I say,narrowing my eyes.
He softly places his hand on my back and puts his wrist on my neck, saying, "You take a lot of stress, so you should quit overthinking things and focus on yourself. Because if you believe that no one cares about you, there is only one person who does, and you should never give up on him."
"Who exactly is he?" My eyes widen, already anticipating his response that it's him, but what he said wasn't what I gasped for.
"It's you."
"Me? How?!"
"You do care about yourself right."
"No, I don't." The words escape my mouth and enter his ears making him sulk.
"Yeah,yeah.I believe ya..." He said this as he grabbed my left ear and tugged it roughly, which hurt, and I became enraged at him, causing me to shout.
"You jerk, I will kill you. It hurts,why did you do that?!" I say as I grabbed the collar of his shirt and he smirks.
"See?"
"See what?"
"You do care about yourself or else you wouldn't have got mad at me." He said this seriously while he just flashed a tiny smile.
"Your insane, I wish I could kill you." My index finger and thumb finger joined together at the tip and clicks fastly on his forehead.
"Ouch, what was that?" He says just when he holds my hands to stop me but I already did that so he laughs.
"Nothing, just teaching you a lesson so that next time you won't pull such types of stupid pranks. You get that?"
"Yes sir!!" He bursts with laughter and I try hard not to laugh.
"Shut up!! Hey, Listen.I have something to tell you."
"What is it?" He asks with curiosity. I put my right hand inside the pocket and discovered nothing, then I put my left hand inside the pocket of my jeans and discovered his phone, which I handed to him.
"Here you go."
"How come you have it?" His eyebrow raises as he asked me this question.
"I found it under my pillow."
"Oh," he murmured, his eyes flicking over his phone. But I don't say anything to him. I don't tell him that I already know . I'm not going to ask him any questions. But when he reads her texts, I'm looking for his reaction, but he's not reacting; perhaps he's not interested, or perhaps her texts are so frequent that he's become bored, and it appears normal to him now; it's nearly stained his skin, and he just leaves it; ignores it.
"Did you sneak into my phone when I was sleeping?" He appears suspicious, and it gives me a tiny jolt inside, so I stop and keep my stare fixed on him.
"No way.Why would I?" My eyes are constantly moving as I'm lying. It's not that it's the first time I'm lying to someone.But lying to him sounds so difficult to me but why? Am I getting caught?!
"Stop lying." He says with a dry laugh,already mocking at my entire existence and I felt quite a lot embarrassed for getting caught.My stomach churns for some reason.
"I..I aren't lying." My index finger pointing at him.He seems to enjoy it as I try to convince him to believe me even when I'm lying so he gives a sarcastic smile.
"Your such a bad liar. Don't worry, I'll teach you how to lie." He winks at me and I gulped.
"And I think your bad at everything, you duckhead."
"Don't you dare to change the topic?" He said while his hands slapped my back.
"Fine, I admit that I did. Then what?" My voice shaking but I'm trying to be confident, not actually letting him to know that I'm nervous.
"Okay, let's relax. I was only joking, but lying makes you appear incredibly cute." His eyes are grinning for the first time in my life as he waits for my reaction. His eyes are smiling, which I've never seen before. They produce rainbow glitters that dazzle so intensely that they appear to be grinning at me from the inside out.
solely for me.
"Aren't you going to ask me if I saw her texts?" My brow furrowed when I said 'her,' which he appears to ignore and is mainly pretending he doesn't know anything about. But I'm sure he's aware of what I'm aware of. But he decides to leave it. Maybe she is someone important to him or perhaps she was but not anymore.
"It's so cold out here."
I take off my jacket as he tightens up and rubs his hands together to feel warm. At that point, he stops rubbing and stares at me with a bewildered expression. I offer him the jacket, but he doesn't say anything; he just nods. I feel little when I'm so close to him. We both glance away as soon as the developing moment between us is gone because I noticed how tall and large he appeared when I was covering him, as well as his arms, his vascularity, and his anxiousness. His eyes dart back and forth, but when I wrapped him in the jacket, he turned to look at my neck, shoulders, and perfectly aligned jawline.
He appreciates it. When I handed him my jacket, he appreciated it. He appreciates it when I worry about him. As he always does, he doesn't ask as many questions now. However, now that I'm generating inner conversations with him, he listens to them.He makes an effort to pay attention and perk up to hear it. He can only hear my heartbeat.
"Is it alright now?" My voice getting flashed by the stars in the wide open sky.
"I still don't get this." He looks at the ceiling as he took a step backward while touching the handrails.
"What?"
"You. It's you, being nice to me." His voice getting deep, as soft as fur but deep as the colour black.
"Return to your bed. I'm already on my way since I don't want to be late for tomorrow's microbiology class." I spoke in frustration, desperately attempting to change the subject because I had nothing to say. In fact, I'm not sure what I should tell him.
"Wait for me." He said loudly as I stepped from the balcony and landed on our mattress. I'm walking towards my bed but before that I'm closing the curtains since I can't sleep if the moonlight hits my eyes. Tasin follows me into the room once more and grabs my hands tenderly.
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