i had done it again! the kids all started, some snickered, others turned there distorted faces up as they showed their dismay at my wet pants! the smell of the crap in my pants took over any illusion that maybe it wasn't so bad.
I was horrified as I felt the teachers voice close behind me. "Kristina could you come with me please?" her voice much sweeter then the look she had on her face. she too was disgusted at what I had done.
I never understood why I couldn't feel it coming nor what made me do it. but I had crapped my pants everyday since before I could remember. later in life I got my answers, but at the time, I knew not , nor did my mom whom was called to come get me immediately.
as I stood in the school nurse's office waiting regrettably for mom, I felt the sting of my tears. the nurse had offered to help me clean up but had lost heart realizing the magnitude of the job. her heart was good, I knew instinctively. she hadn't twisted her face in disgust nor made the "ugh" noices of the other adults who had the dismay of encountering my smell on the way to the office from the recess playground. the walk through the cafeteria full of students from a higher grade and the hall with again students waiting in line to get their lunch trays. mortified the bell rang for first lunch to return to their assigned teachers and classes. I mean I can only go lower at this point if I had died.
I heard the footsteps of my mom's heels as the echoed down the concrete hallway. I knew she would be sweet as Texas tea until we got to the car. I mean she truly loves me, however, these moments were very upsetting for they had been far to frequent lately. having to leave work plus the embarrassment of having her 3rd grader, now 8 still crapping her pants, and the part I hated the most, getting cleaned up. she would have me put my underwear in the stool and clean them out before allowing them to be put in a bag to later go to the laundry mat and be kept aside to be washed in their own machine away from the rest of the families clothes. I earned the name stinky, earned it well.
she drilled me with the same question she did everytime. "why, Kristina?" I just looked out the open window trying not to squirm the smell loose. the windows down allowed the wind to dry my tears. the lump in my throat didn't let me speak. I just looked down at my stained clothes and felt so confused. I felt ashamed. I felt different, disgusting, and well, like a burden to the people around me.
my moms new boyfriend, chuck, was at our house that night. he'd moved in but was gone driving a big semi truck most often. but of course there he was. he'd seen the frustrating body language of my mother, smelt the reason and decided to help mom with the solution to this problem, ie me. things only got worse from there .....