"Ignorance is bliss" that's what they say, isn't it?
It wasn't supposed to end this way. I thought we'd forever be in each other's lives, one way or another. I grew up looking at you from afar, constantly frantic about how you managed to consume every single thought of mine like a plague. Was it my desperacy? or was it my fear of being alone that made you seem so perfect in my head?
I fell for you without really knowing I did. We were kids, what did I know about love? 7 years.
For 7 years I unintentionally stood by waiting for you to notice me. notice me in the same light you noticed her. Notice me with that sweet smile of yours. Notice me with that kindness and compassion you oozed, gracing everyone with this feeling of warmth I only ever read about.
I took every chance I could, slowly edging closer to you, filling myself with the false hope that we could ever be more. that one day you'd wake up and realise it was always me. I made my whole world around you. 4th grade. we were 9 when I started feeling these weird emotions I couldn't comprehend towards you. 5th grade I claimed it was hatred. it was easier to blame hatred for my thumping heart when you were close, or the way my mind immediately looked for you in every crowded room.
I started getting out of my comfort zone because of you. took part in things I usually wouldn't give a damn about. silly costume contests? topping class pop quizzes? taking part in group projects that actually included talking to people. it wasn't until the 6th grade that I realised I was a goner. an absolute simp for that smile of yours. you probably don't remember, but we had vaccine shots to take at school and I was scared of needles. when I came back to class after the shot, you smiled at me and said "hey, at least it's over now."
Your eyes held some type of hypnosis that even years later, till now, I can never get over. even after everything you've done. even after the ways you've hurt me. I'm over you now, but you'll always be my first crush, my first love if I dare, my first heartbreak. us constantly competing for first place in class, always contradicting ideas off each other, teasing, jokes, games, and laughs. all of it. did you know our teachers shipped us too? everyone could see the way I looked at you, like a puppy who finally found its owner after being lost for so long. everyone saw it but you.
I don't blame you for not liking me that way back. you can't force feelings. I understand that. but I hate how hard you made it for me to move on. every time I got close to you pulled me back in some way or another. you made it seem like you didn't even have to try. it was just something about you. I craved your eyes on me, your undivided attention, you. just you.
Year 7, was hard hiding it
In year 8, I gave up and admitted how shamelessly in love with you I was.
year 9 was when it broke me.
I helped 2 of my friends get with you. thinking that if I helped them end up with you I'd have more of a reason to stay away. to move on. to give up on you. but no matter what happened, you were always at the back of my mind. you were mine in the long run. in my head I couldn't see anyone at the end but you.
how foolish of me.
it's almost embarrassing to write about now. I'm almost thrice the age I was when I first fell for you but you played a big role in who I've become. you're significant to my growth and I needed that heartbreak to find myself.
I also found out that the more in love you are with someone the less likely you are to see their flaws. you were a horrible person. maybe you still are. it was when I started noticing them that I realised I was getting over you. I don't want to get into how much hurt the people around you, how you never stood up for your friends, played both sides of every fight, constantly changed personalities and treated people who loved and grew up with you like shit. but I will say, I met and fell for you when you were a chubby smart little kid, stood up for you when you neglected all your friends- no, our friends when you dated your first girlfriend, and loved you till you became a rich showoff with flashy disposable people all around.
wherever you are in the future, if you ever find this and read it, I hope you're better. I hope you're happy, you're content and you remember me sometimes. I hope that when your child comes home from school someday and tells you about their best friends, you think of me. even if it's for a second. even if we ever ended on good terms. even if I moved away and you became another person.
even if I'm gone and you don't remember my name anymore, I hope you find that happiness with someone the same way I tried to find it in you.