Chereads / November confessions / Chapter 5 - To Jan

Chapter 5 - To Jan

Dear Jan,

I've been dreading writing this. I've pushed it back for as long as I can. not because I don't want to write to you, but because I don't know what to say. words can express how much I love you. You're getting this letter because I'm too much of a pussy to give it to you myself. to look you in the eye and tell you how much I hate being here. how every thought of mine has been poisoned and my veins feel like they're filled with dread. I can't picture myself living past this year.

It's been draining Jan, so so draining. I'm trying, I really am. but there's only so much I can do. but this isn't about how I can handle my own shit. this isn't your fault. you couldn't have prevented this. you couldn't have ever known. this has nothing to do with you. you're the reason I've stuck around for this long. you unknowingly became one of the only lights in the darkroom of my head. All of me owes you so much. you saved me.

we first bonded over Percy Jackson while I sat in front of you in homeroom back in the 7th grade. You kept me company and cared about me even though we didn't know each other. we weren't friends, and our groups never even acknowledged each other. You called me up once when I was going through a really hard time at school and deactivated my account at midnight. You didn't even have my number. you cared about me in a way even my friends didn't. I knew I found someone who deserved the world when I met you. you deserve so so much happiness Jan.

we drifted after that year and barely spoke. partially my fault. our classes never aligned after that year and we never seemed to be in the same social circle. it wasn't until our last year together. our 12th grade, when we got to rekindle that friendship we had from years before.

My mother died and I was in a position where I thought i could never smile again. could never laugh or think i deserved any happiness but you held my hand through it all, through every panic attack, through every depressive episode, through every tear i shed. You were there for it all. you helped remind me not to live in my head, to not just lock everyone out and that everyone has an imperfect life and that's alright. you helped me believe i don't have to be miserable. I don't think you realise it but you saved me from myself.

every time we hung out, every time we bonded over books, every time we went to the mall and I helped you find yarn for your newest crochet project. every time you came over and made fun of me for the subjects I chose to do. every time i told you about a guy and you told me how I deserved better. for every time you listened to me cry or let me drag you out to a hangout early in the morning or the times we went thrifting because we were broke.

You helped me appreciate myself and showed me what friendship was. that solidarity wasn't the only way to live and made me depend on you, your love, your friendship more than i care to admit.

you really do deserve so much more than this world can offer you Jan.

I envy this world for having you when it doesn't deserve it. its hard knowing i wont be here for the rest of your life, but hope you live it to your fullest. i envy every person whos met you before me and i wish i could just gatekeep you forever, but you've got a life to live. I already hate those who get the privilege of knowing you after me, but there needs to be more of you in this world. its the only way people like me can survive. everyone needs a jan. You're so so special. Dont ever blame yourself for this. I've never been good at goodbyes, but i couldn't just leave you without something to hold onto.

Don't hate me but I don't have the courage to give this to you. I hope you find this someday and know that I appreciated you for everything. everything.

You're my best friend Jan. I love you so much.

I'll always be with you.

I promise.