'Why am I doing this?'
This question suddenly appeared in my mind as I walked down the long hallway.
I was with Penelope, Cliopatra, and Alexandra. The lovebirds walk in front of me and Cliopatra.
Alexandra led the tour explaining to me and Cliopatra the facilities around the academy. While Penelope would talk from time to time adding some minor information to what the red haired woman said.
Cliopatra walked beside me looking around boredly. It was obvious she wasn't listening.
While me, on the other hand, is listening but also partly not listening. My mind seems to have wandered somewhere far away.
Somewhere I have no idea if I would be able to return to ever again. It was my original world, Earth.
I miss it.
I miss my parents.
They would always ask if I had already eaten after I went home. Dad enjoys watching movies with me because we both like fantasy. Mom likes to share gossip with me like bestfriends.
I miss my siblings.
My siblings and I would always get into fights about small minor things, but at the end of the day, we would find a reason to forgive each other.
I miss my friends.
I have two friends and we're always busy, but we would always find time to hang out together and talk about our lives.
I miss my work. It was exhausting, but I still enjoyed it. I feel happy whenever I complete my task. It was fulfilling. Especially whenever I got praise about it. I would then return home and tell it to my family, and they would praise me too.
I miss my colleagues who would always ask me to join them to drink after shift. We would go to a nearby club, and we would drink together whining about people we don't like in the company.
A quiet sigh came out of my mouth.
I miss everything. I miss my home. I miss my life on Earth.
'Why am I here?' A question that has been floating in my mind ever since I transmigrated. Yet, no matter how much I think of it, I couldn't find the answer.
As I look around me, I notice how different and at the same time similar it was with my original world.
'Why am I trying?'
Another question appeared as my legs slowed down its pace. The feeling of alienation in this world is growing every second I spend my time here.
It suddenly got to me. Why do I need to try hard and survive?
Clearly, this body isn't mine and this world is not where I belong to. However, for some reason, I am trying my best to survive despite knowing that everything in this world shouldn't be my concern. It wasn't my business.
Of course, I know that if this body dies then I might also die along with it, but so what?
There's nothing for me here in this world. No one knew who I really was. People would only think of me as Nasrin Urduja, but that name doesn't even belong to me. The more I was called by a stranger's name; the more I felt alienated in my heart.
I felt empty. It made me wonder why I'm here.
These thoughts made me immediately stop walking.
"What's the matter?" Cliopatra asked confusedly as she stared at me weirdly.
Penelope and Alexandra also stop walking and glance at my direction.
I smiled, concealing the feeling of alienation and emptiness in my heart. I shook my head at them and said, "nothing, please continue with the tour, professor."
No one seems to notice as everyone proceeds with the tour. The red haired woman started talking again about the history of each building in the academy. Penelope looked affectionately at Alexandra. While Cliopatra walks boredly again beside me.
Despite having complicated thoughts, I decided to brush these thoughts off my mind and carry off my goal. I tried to listen attentively to Alexandra's explanation about the history of the academy.
However, my mind seems to have its own legs as it wanders again.
I don't know what will happen if I die in this world.
One thing I do know is…
Life is precious, and it is a luxury to live.
Even if this body isn't mine, the heart that is currently beating in this body tells me that it's alive.
I'm guessing that, wait…scratch that.
I want to believe that what made the heart in this body continue to beat was because of my soul.
The soul inside this body belongs to me, and I don't want to give up on the only thing that is left of me.
The memories, principles, and beliefs I have in my original world; I would keep them safe with me as I try to live in this world. I don't know If I could still return to Earth. I don't even know how I got here in the first place.
I may not know the reason why I suddenly got transmigrated in this body and in this world.
Even so, I'm the type of person who believes that everything happens for a reason.
Naturally, I believe that there must be some kind of reason why I was brought here, and I will only discover that reason if I continue to do my best to survive.
That's why I'm trying. It is the only reason I'm trying. To figure out why I'm here. I refuse to believe that there's no reason behind everything.
Because if that was the case…
Then everything is just meaningless. My life here would be meaningless. So I would rather believe that there's a reason, and I'm not going to stop trying until I find it.
That's why I'm going to try to change my ending, and perhaps when everything finally settles down, I could finally live as a hermit in a far away forest.
Where people would not bother me and call me by the name of the villain in that trashy novel.
Who knows? Maybe one day I would wake up again and find myself back to where I truly belong. That's why I need to continue to survive.
My lips curved to a smile as I became optimistic of the future ahead of me. For that reason, I will make sure to get my smooth sailing ending.
After being toured around the academy, Alexandra finally led us to her laboratory, or more like she saved her laboratory as the last place to tour us. Probably to finally start dissecting me.
I felt nervous and scared, but also kind of weirdly looking forward to it. After all, there are too many mysteries that I want to uncover with this body. That I think now belongs to me…or not?
Anyway, there's also some good news, Penelope didn't come with us, because she said she still had some work to do. Which was something I would definitely celebrate about. Now that Penelope is gone, well, only temporarily.
Penelope said she would still come later to visit, but anyway, I can finally rest assured that no one would suddenly stab me with a dagger. No more deadly narrowed or squinted eyes thrown at me.
As we walked down the stairs, Alexandra turned to look at me.
"Lass, are you excited?" Said Alexandra as her dark eyes glittered enthusiastically.
My mouth twitched seeing the excited face of the red haired woman. "Oh, I'm super duper excited," I said with a stiff smile.
"Why? Is there something interesting there?" Said Cliopatra curiously. The brat tag along as well.
Alexandra glanced at Cliopatra and said, "well, I'm the head of the Magic and Research Department, and my field of expertise is dark attribute, and your friend beside you is my new personal assistant, pretty interesting, right?"
I saw Cliopatra widen her eyes as she turned to look at me with an inquiring gaze. "You're working as an assistant?" She gasped in disbelief.
"What? You got some problem with that?" I replied in a flat tone.
Cliopatra widened her eyelids more as she stared at me in disbelief. "Are you kidding me? Of course, I do!" She bellowed.
My brows furrowed as I glanced at her.
However, Cliopatra ignored me as she suddenly walked beside Alexandra.
Cliopatra smiled expectantly at Alexandra and said, "I also want to work as an assistant, can you also employ me?"
Alexandra gave a wry smile as she awkwardly muttered, "err, that…a princess working as an assistant is a little too…"
"I don't mind, and we're in the academy now, so social status shouldn't matter, right?" Cliopatra urged.
Alexandra seems troubled. "This…" She faintly mumbled.
With a deep sigh, I opened my mouth and said, "professor can't suddenly employ you, brat."
"Why not? Are you saying that you're the only student allowed to have the privilege to work in the Magic Research Department, huh, Oaf," Cliopatra argued.
"No, it's because you need to get permission from the dean master first, do you understand now? brat," I replied.
"That's right, if you want to work as an assistant as well, you'll have to go ask the dean master first," the Alexandra said, nodding her head as she supported my statement.
"Then I'll go and ask her now," Cliopatra said as she walked back where we came from. "I'll return later with my permission letter," she said, waving goodbye.
"Is she serious?" Alexandra mumbled.
"Probably," I said.
Alexandra shrugged her shoulders then she turned to look at me. "By the way, have you finally decided what classes you'll take?" She inquired curiously.
Right, I forgot that this academy works like college in my original world.
"I haven't decided yet," I answered honestly.
I don't know what classes to take. After all, the only thing I know about this world is the events that will unfold in Kendra's life. Which is actually pretty unreliable now since so many things have deviated from the original plot.
"Don't worry, you still have a week to think about it before the first semester starts," Alexandra comforted. "Also, you actually don't need to worry too much since I'll be teaching you everything I know," she added.
"Really?" I said, looking at her expectantly.
Alexandra nodded affirmatively and said, "Of course, didn't I say this to you before we made your contract?"
"I thought you were only planning to use me as a guinea…"
"Guinea pig?" Alexandra said as she cut me off.
We both stopped walking and stared at each other.
The red haired woman stared at me as her head tilted to the side.
My lips twisted in an awkward smile as I awkwardly muttered, "yes?"
Alexandra AC sighed. "Lass, you might be right that I indeed recruited you because of your dark attribute, and I did have a slip of the tongue and might have made the mistake of calling you guinea pig a couples of times or perhaps even more, but," she paused and glance at me with her dark eyes.
Alexandra scratch her cheeks, staring awkwardly at me, then she open her mouth and said, "but that's because I'm just so used to calling my experimental subjects as guinea pig, so forgive me, if ever that made you feel any less of a person, I swear to you that I mean no harm in that deal that we made, and," she paused again as she grab my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.
Her deep dark eyes looked at me solemnly as she continued, "I didn't just recruit you for that reason alone, because if that's the only reason then I won't recruit you," Alexandra said with seriousness as she finished her speech.
With furrowed brows, I inquired, "then what was the other reason?"
"The other reason? Well, you have the potential," Alexandra answered.
"Potential?"
Alexandra nodded and said, "yes, to be honest with you lass, at first, I wanted to recruit you as my disciple, but my position and predicaments might bring you trouble, so I have no other choice but to ask you to become my personal assistant instead," Alexandra explained.
My furrowed brows deepened.
"Oh, but lass, you don't have to become my disciple anymore, since you're going to become an alpha in the future, then your master should also be an alpha, right?" Alexandra said with a proud smile. Like a parent to a child.
Then Alexandra squeezes my shoulders again, and continued to say, "don't worry, lass, I'll still be teaching you everything I know like what we've agreed on from the start, and I'm already satisfied that I could find someone I can pass my knowledge to," Alexandra finished with a proud smile. "And an alpha too at that," she added more proudly, laughing as she tapped my back.
My brows knitted as I stared complicatedly at Alexandra's proud laughing face. At first, I thought Alexandra just wanted me to become her personal assistant because of my dark attribute, but it turns out that I was mistaken and have misunderstood her intentions.
Probably noticing my complicated expression, Alexandra stopped laughing as her brows furrowed worriedly. "What's the matter? Do you not want a beta to teach you? Don't worry, lass, I assure you, my skills are top notch even if I am a beta," Alexandra said, a little agitated.
"No, it's not that," I replied, shaking my head.
'I need to apologise,' I thought as my brows furrowed, feeling guilty in my heart.
Alexadra's knitted brows deepened as she asked, "then what's the matter? Don't tell me that…"
"I'm sorry professor," I cut her off.
Alexandra stared at me dumbfounded. "Sorry? Why are you suddenly apologising lass?" She mumbled confused. "And I'm just a mere beta, you shouldn't apologise to me," she added.
"Don't say that to yourself professor, you don't know how much you save me from trouble by just giving me a passing score, and yet, the whole time, I thought of you badly because I misunderstood your intentions," I said remorsefully as I bit my lips and held my breath.
"Oh, that…you're apologising because you probably thought that I meant you harm?" Alexandra muttered with an enlightened eyes.
I nodded as I fidgeted with my fingers.
Alexandra sighed as she rubbed her temples. "Well, you aren't wrong with your suspicions, if we think about it carefully, I already brought you harm when I left you to negotiate with Penny, which in fact should have been my responsibility in the first place," she said, scratching her cheek awkwardly.
"Sorry lass," said Alexandra as she smiled helplessly.
"No, I…"
"Don't think too much, it won't do you good," Alexandra said, giving me a light tap at the back. "Well, let's go?" She said, staring at me expectantly.
I bit my lips and then released a sigh. I glanced at Alexandra who was waiting for me patiently.
After transmigrating in this world, I suddenly became cynical towards everyone around me. Which isn't good because I don't want to lose who I really am. I can't let this world affect me or change me into someone I'm not.
"Well, lass??" Alexandra called.
I took a deep sigh and smiled at the red haired woman who smiled back at me.
"Yes, let's go," I said.
The two of us continued to walk again. Alexandra started talking about the things she would teach me, and I pretended to listen as I smiled and nodded absentmindedly.
Deep inside, I feel an unprecedented danger that truly scares me.
Ever since I transmigrated in this world, I slowly started lying to people. I became suspicious of everyone. However, I thought it should only be the normal reaction. Why did I think it was normal?
I wasn't like this before in my original world. I am not a cynical person. I don't lie to people because that's what my parents taught me. I don't have a calculated mind because I prefer it to be simple. Yet, I started calculating people without even realising it.
I tried to trick Alexandra. I tried to make a good impression on the protagonist. I provoked Penelope into telling me the information I needed to know. I used Cliopatra's fears to listen to me.
Still, if I didn't trick Alexandra, I probably won't be here in the academy. If I didn't provoke Penelope then I wouldn't know who the beta lover was. If I didn't used Cliopatra's fears to listen to me then I'll be the one who'll have the hard time. If I don't make a good impression on the protagonist, then I might end up getting that tragic end.
I'm slowly becoming a manipulator, and I didn't even realise it until now. However, I thought that this should be normal in order to survive in this world, but I don't want this.
The normal in this world scares me. It suffocates me. I feel like this world is slowly making me change, and I'm also slowly losing my identity.
It scares me that I didn't even become aware of it until now. That I'm changing.
Change is constant I know, but I don't want to change what I believe in.
If I lose what I stand for as a person then I would no longer be me.
So whatever happens, I can't let this world change me.
'I will never change. I refuse to change.'