"Kaboom!"
"Nooo! You tricked me, Aoi!"
"I did not!"
Innocent voices called back and forth in a small children's
room. Three elementary-aged girls were sitting in front of a
TV set hooked up to an old game console. On the screen, two
pixel-art pigs wearing sunglasses raced around shooting
each other with laser guns. Aoi and Nagisa were playing
while Haruka, the shortest of the three, watched.
"Hya!" Aoi said as she nimbly moved her fingers on the
controller. Oinko, her pig character, swiftly dodged a bomb
and aimed an energy blast at Nagisa, hitting her target
perfectly.
"Ahhhhh!! Nagisa got hit!" her younger sister Haruka
squealed.
"Hee-hee, you're easy to beat!" Aoi set her controller
down and gloated at her sister.
"Darn it, I lost…" Nagisa pouted and stared at her
controller for a second, then turned to Aoi and said
cheerfully, "Let's play again!"
"Really? You're just gonna lose again."
"Will not! I'm gonna win this time!" Nagisa announced
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confidently, though she had no reason for it. She gripped her
controller and stared straight at the screen.
"Ugh. If I have to," Aoi said, intentionally kindling her
sister's competitiveness. She grabbed her controller with a
relaxed expression as Haruka watched excitedly.
"Get her good, Nagisa! Down with Aoi the Evil Overlord!"
"Leave it to me!"
"Hey, why'm I the Evil Overlord?!" Aoi asked, laughing.
The game started, and her fingers flickered nimbly over
the controller.
"Ooh…she's so good."
The two pigs on the screen clashed, shooting, dodging,
and chipping away at each other. At the same moment as in
the last game, Nagisa threw a bomb. Aoi dodged it and fired
at Nagisa in the lag.
"Heh-heh, that's all you've got?"
This time, Nagisa grinned boldly.
"Nope… Gotcha!"
"Oh no!"
Just before Aoi's blast hit, Nagisa launched a second
bomb. It canceled out Aoi's blast, then barreled straight into
Oinko.
"Ahhhh!"
The bomb exploded into Oinko, who instantly vanished. A
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moment later, the results screen appeared.
"That's so correct, I think I've been hexed!!" Nagisa's
Oinko—a different color from Aoi's—said, striking a pose.
"Yesss! See that? I won!"
"Wow, you're super good!" Haruka said.
"Thanks for cheering for me, Haruka!"
"Sniff, sniff…"
Aoi scrunched up her eyebrows dramatically, whimpering
like a baby. Nagisa pounced on her, grinning.
"Oof!"
"Hey, Nagisa, be careful!" Aoi said, wrapping her arms
around her younger sister and tapping her back with a wry
smile.
"Aoi!"
"What?"
Nagisa grinned from ear to ear, still in Aoi's arms, and
announced, "This is fun!"
Her words were so honest and direct that Aoi grinned
back and answered, "Yeah, I know!" And even though she'd
just lost, she really, truly meant it.
* * *
"Agh."
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The Sekitomo School Festival Celebration and Christmas
Party was over, and Aoi Hinami was on her way home. Her
mind was full of old memories. She was thinking about the
days when Nagisa and Haruka were both still there, when
their little room still felt huge. As the train rocked along
through the night, her thoughts, for once, were stuck in the
past.
Of course, she knew why that was—for one, the play Fuka
Kikuchi had written, and for another, the conversation
they'd had at the party earlier that night. More specifically,
the emotions depicted in the play and the words Fuka had
said to her. Unsettling, long-buried memories were slowly
rising to the surface.
Outside the train windows, snow fell heavily. It was slowly
covering the bare face of the city with a beautiful, pure white
layer, like a mask. Aoi gazed out at the darkened city. Or
perhaps she was searching for her own faint reflection in the
window.
"…It doesn't matter," she muttered to herself, steadying
her breath. She sounded as if she were announcing this fact
to the world. Whichever it was, she tossed her words out
violently, with an unusually steely strength.
Another memory had risen to the surface.
A memory of defeat and determination.
* * *
It was early summer. Aoi was in her third year of junior
high, and her hard work was starting to yield satisfying
results—yet she was unsure how to move forward.
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"Well done! First place again," said her homeroom
teacher, a man in his midforties, as he handed Aoi an A4-
size sheet of paper with her grades. He was smiling proudly,
almost as if the achievement were his own.
"Ah-ha-ha. Thank you. I hope I can do as well next time."
Aoi made sure her smile was soft as she took the paper
from him. Her scores in each subject were written in a
column, with "1/154" at the very bottom. She attended a
public junior high on the outskirts of Omiya. The number
meant she'd achieved the highest final exam score in her
grade. It was an objective, straightforward affirmation of her
path.
"You've got plenty of rivals. Don't slack off."
"I know. I'll keep studying hard."
She rearranged her expression to signal renewed
commitment. But the truth was, she was almost certain she
would get the top score again. She'd already gotten it three
times in a row. She knew how to do it; as long as she stayed
consistent, she figured she could repeat her success.
"After all, I've set a pattern now."
Until her first year of junior high, her grades had been
average—actually, they'd fluctuated between average and
below average. Over time, she'd gradually pushed them up,
until she finally reached the summit with her first-place
score. Her efforts might not be visible, but they were firmly
rooted in her as something she could reproduce.
"I'll do my best to keep it up."
"Good. I'm expecting you to go far," her teacher said.
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Problem was, now that she knew she could keep getting
the same results, she was gradually losing interest in doing
so.
"…Keep it up…," she mumbled.
"What was that, Hinami?"
"Oh, nothing. Thank you so much."
After all, she could prove herself no further in this
particular arena.
* * *
At six thirty that evening, Aoi was on the basketball court
in the gym. She stood confidently in front of two rows of
players, an intense expression on her face.
"All right, that's it for today. The tournament is coming
up, so be careful not to injure yourself, everyone."
She smiled, then swept her gaze over the players one by
one, looking each one in the face. She was captain of the
team. All thirty or so members looked back at her solemnly,
and a slight shudder of tension ran through them as their
eyes met hers. She had created this atmosphere entirely on
her own.
She smiled at them in satisfaction, then relaxed her
expression theatrically.
"…Thanks, ladies, for coming on this journey with me."
"Aoi…?"
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Chinami Yokoyama, the assistant captain, was standing in
the middle of the lines of players. She glanced at Aoi in
surprise, thrown off by her sudden swing from cold to warm.
"Yes, well…I know the tournament is still a month away,
but I wanted to say something now."
Aoi looked down, peeked at everyone bashfully, then
raised her head again.
"I know I've been tough on you the past year or two, and
maybe I've been a little selfish. I've worked you hard during
practice, and I've set impossible goals."
"That's not—"
"No," she said, cutting Yokoyama off but in a kind tone.
"I'm truly grateful to you all."
She slowly bent down, picked up the basketball at her feet,
and dribbled it in front of her. The rhythmic sound echoed
across the court to the players. Then she caught the ball
affectionately in her arms, and silence returned to the court.
All eyes were trained on her. She knew that repetitive
movement and sound was a good way of drawing their
attention.
"At first, I wasn't sure."
"…You weren't?"
This uncharacteristic display of weakness further drew
out her teammates' emotions.
"To tell the truth…I thought people would say I was crazy
for thinking our team could make it to the nationals, when
we'd only ever gotten to the prefectural finals before."
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Aoi was faltering on purpose, so the revelation would feel
less intentional and more real.
"But you know what? You believed in me. You believed I
was serious."
She put on her bashful face again, but this time, she
infused her expression with a tiny bit more emotion and
gratitude.
"I would have given up a long time ago if it wasn't for all
of you."
Her expression looked fragile enough to crumple any
second, and her gestures were warm and affectionate. The
two lines of players caught their breath at her words, and
soon they were stumbling over themselves to reply.
"But…that's only because you worked harder than any of
us!"
"Yeah! If it weren't for you, we would never have made it
this far!"
"Exactly! I'm so…happy I'm on the…b-b-basketball team
with you, Hinami!"
The emotions were spilling forth now, and some of the
girls had started to cry. Aoi took in the sight of her team with
a smile on her face as she slowly nodded. She turned away
for a second and wiped at her eyes. When she looked back at
them, all trace of tears was gone.
She made eye contact with Yokoyama and gently tossed
her the ball. Yokoyama grabbed it firmly.
"I said I couldn't have made it this far without you…but
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this isn't the end. I'll need you in the future, too."
She met Yokoyama's eyes again and held her arms out at
chest level. Yokoyama tossed her the ball, and she caught it
with both hands. Next, she passed it to a second-year
student named Kagami.
"We can't make it to first place unless everyone works
together."
"…First place?"
She'd said the words casually, but which first place did
she mean? Her teammates knew the words, but they didn't
sense her true meaning yet.
Aoi held her arms out, and Kagami passed the ball back to
her. Their actions were almost ceremonial. After all, Aoi had
planned out every moment of this performance.
"I'm serious." She put her hand in the right pocket of her
sweat suit. "Do you know what this is?"
She pulled out a slip of paper. Everyone leaned forward to
see what it was, then exchanged glances.
"Um…"
When she sensed no one was going to answer, Aoi
continued speaking in a casual tone.
"It's my report card. We got our scores on finals today,
right?" She looked at Yokoyama. "Yoko-chan, I wasn't a very
good student in our first year, was I?"
"Um…no, you weren't," Yokoyama said. She didn't know
the details of Aoi's grades, but her image of Aoi back then
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was not as a star student.
"But I worked little by little to improve…and now I'm in
first place."
She was gazing out confidently at her teammates.
Yokoyama already knew she'd gotten first again, so she
wasn't surprised, but she was filled with renewed
admiration.
"This is your third time in a row to be first, isn't it?"
Their teammates gasped. Aoi nodded, satisfied with their
response, and tucked the paper back into her pocket without
unfolding it.
"I'm not trying to boast… I just want you to believe in me."
She didn't think they actively doubted her, but she did feel
their faith was slightly short of what was needed for them to
bet on her—so she continued speaking slowly, lighting a fire
in their hearts.
"I'm first in our school—but only in our school. I got there
by tackling my weaknesses… And I think this team can do
the same."
Perhaps because they guessed what she was going to say
next, their attention was drawn increasingly to her words
and expression.
"You've always been good players, and you worked hard
for the past two years. We came together as a team to
achieve our shared goal."
All eyes were glued to her.
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"That's why I know we can reach any heights we shoot
for."
She made sure her tone was powerful and earnest.
"Let's do this! Let's shoot for the stars!"
In unison, her teammates responded: "Yeah!"
Some of them were crying, and others looked determined.
Each expression was slightly different, but they all believed
in her fully.
Sensing that they were all aligned behind the same goal
now, she nodded once, firmly. Partly, she was satisfied
because everyone was fired up to go to nationals. But more
than that, she was pleased that the speech she had practiced
over and over had had its intended effect on her teammates.
That in itself was gratifying.
She might have been expecting this—expecting that she
would be able to prove herself in this new arena.
* * *
Aoi walked to the station with the rest of the team, then
split off and headed home by herself. In the entryway, she
slipped off her loafers and paused in front of the closed
living room door. She could hear her mother moving around
on the other side. Oil was sizzling in the kitchen; apparently,
she was frying something. Her mother's presence unsettled
her just slightly.
Aoi placed her hand on her chest, then reached into her
pocket and fingered her report card. As she reached for the
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doorknob, she visualized her mother's happy reaction and
her own response.
"…I'm home!" she called innocently and turned the knob.
As she'd guessed, her mother was standing in the kitchen
cooking. She smiled brightly at her daughter.
"Hi, Aoi! Good timing."
"For what?"
"Dinner's almost ready. I made cheeseburgers, your
favorite."
"Yay! Thank you!"
Her demeanor now was intentionally a bit more girlish
than when she was in school. She took her usual spot at the
dining table. Her mother set a lid on the frying pan and sat
down across from Aoi.
"Is dinner okay?" Aoi asked.
"Yes, it's fine. I always put a lid on at the end to let the
burgers finish cooking after I turn off the heat. It's a little
trick to make the meat more tender."
"Wow!" Aoi said, overacting just a bit.
Her mother smiled. "How's school going?" she asked
casually.
Aoi stiffened; she was about to affirm her own
achievement.
"…Well, we got our test scores back today," she replied,
pretending to have just remembered.
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"How'd you do?"
It was an ordinary question, but before she answered, Aoi
made sure her expression was slightly playful and her tone
relaxed.
"Can you believe it? I got first again."
"Really? That's wonderful!" her mother cheered. She
nodded with satisfaction, then smiled kindly. "You really are
my little indigo flower, always blooming and reaching for the
sun."
Aoi was a bit surprised by her mother's reaction, and for a
second, she didn't know what to say. But she quickly pasted
a smile back on her face.
"…Aren't I?"
"You sure are. I'm always bragging to the other moms
about you."
"Ah-ha-ha. Now you're buttering me up."
Her mother's happiness and unconditional approval
didn't come as a surprise. They talked for a few more
minutes, then her mother stood up to check on their dinner.
Aoi let out a long breath and bit her lip at her own weakness.
Her mother slid the hamburgers onto their plates.
"Can you go tell Haruka dinner is ready?"
"Sure."
Aoi walked upstairs to her sister's room. She was three
years younger, a sixth grader in elementary school.
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"Haruka?" she called, knocking on the door.
"Wait a second!" came the excited response. Aoi could
make out the faint sound of video game background music
on the other side of the door.
"Dinner's ready."
"Okay, I'll come down as soon as this game's over!"
"All righty," Aoi said, smiling wryly as she walked back
downstairs and sat at the table again. Her mother was in the
kitchen putting the finishing touches on their three plates.
"Where's your sister?"
"Playing a video game. She said she'll come down when
she's done."
"She's really obsessed with that game," her mother said
with a giggle as she carried their plates to the table.
"I know. I think it's called Attack Families?"
"Yep."
"It's super popular right now. All the boys in my class are
into it."
Aoi's mother sat down across from her to wait for Haruka.
"You're not interested?"
"I'm not sure I have time to play video games."
"Ah-ha-ha. True, you've got homework and basketball
already, so adding in games probably would be a bit much."
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"…Yeah."
Her mother's response made her a little uneasy, but they
kept on talking. A few minutes later, Haruka came
downstairs. "Ooh, hamburgers!"
"With cheese!" their mother said proudly.
"Yum! Your favorite, right, Aoi?"
Aoi smiled at her sister's childish reaction, as if it
reassured her.
"Yup. Hurry up and sit down, okay?"
Once they were all seated, they began their meal. It was an
ordinary, peaceful family scene. But there was something
anxious and unsettled in Aoi's expression, as if she hadn't
yet fully defined herself.
* * *
After dinner, Aoi went to her room and opened the Excel
file she filled in every day on her computer. A graph showing
her quiz and test scores over time was pulled up on the
screen. The line started out nearly flat before curving up at
an increasingly steep angle, eventually zooming to the top.
The shape reflected not only her first-place status but also
her growing ROI on the effort she'd been putting in.
Essentially, she was learning to put in "the right kind of
effort."
"Okay…okay."
She took a deep breath, let it out, and gazed at the graph
with something verging on excitement. Was she gazing at
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the present, the path she took to get there, or the future?
Whatever the answer, the uncertainty of earlier had
vanished from her face.
"…Let's see."
She opened a Word file and began to edit it. The heading
read "Midterm Goals," with a list of phrases below: "Stay in
first place on finals and midterms," "Become a top
basketball player and lead the team to nationals," "Become
a central member of the most popular group."
Her fingers reached down to the mouse pad below the
keyboard. As she ran her fingers over it, the cursor on the
screen selected the text, turning the background black. Aoi
stared at the screen for a moment, then lightly pressed a key.
Instantly, the three lines of text disappeared. All that
remained was the heading, with an expanse of white below.
Each vision and goal she achieved left emptiness in its wake.
A meaningless column.
"Okay."
She took another deep breath, thinking in order to control
her anxiety. As long as she was running, everything was
easy, but the second she stopped, she was drenched in sweat.
She was already growing accustomed to a state of constant
running.
She had reached first place in her school in several arenas
—in her midterms and finals, the arena of academics; among
her classmates, the arena of communication; and on the
basketball team, the arena of physical ability. So what was
her next goal?
She nodded and began to type, recalling the scene at
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practice earlier that day. She wanted those results to be
reproducible. In which case, she needed a new arena.
Something she hadn't achieved yet.
"Win first place in the basketball nationals."
She stared at this new promise to herself, then closed the
Word file, satisfied.
* * *
A month passed.
"We can do this! We've made it this far; we can finish it
off!"
Aoi and her team had won the prefectural tournament
without incident and were now at nationals. Their school
hadn't been on anyone's radar, and now here they were
facing off with the nation's best. That should have been more
than enough to satisfy anyone, though it was the inevitable
outcome of the amount and quality of effort they'd put in. At
least in the realm of junior high sports, Aoi had polished her
method to an art.
"For sure! Don't let up now, ladies! Work your magic!"
"Ah-ha-ha. Come on, Yokoyama—that's Aoi's line."
"Hey, let me have this!"
Everyone on the team had worked hard to reach this
moment. They stood next to the court, supporting one
another as they revved themselves up for the game.
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"Let's go!"
Their battle for the national title was about to start.
Two days later, Aoi stood on the court crying.
She'd made it to the national tournament, where the best
teams from all over Japan fought it out on the main stage.
But her team came in second.
Needless to say, Aoi was not crying tears of joy. She was
frustrated at being only the second best in the whole
country.
By any other standards, the team's results would have
been too good to be true. Until a year earlier, they'd have
been lucky to make it to the prefectural tournament, and
now suddenly they were the second-best team in Japan.
They hadn't managed to capture the gold medal, but anyone
would have been amazed by their achievement. And Aoi was
the one who got them there. No one would dream of
criticizing her.
But still.
"First place goes to Yatsuyanagi Junior High School."
At the closing ceremony, Aoi gritted her teeth hearing the
words first place paired with the name of a school that was
not her own. Her frustration at her results, as incredible as
they were, was so overwhelming she felt it was ripping her
apart. Perhaps the tears stemmed from all the determination
and effort she'd put in, or perhaps from a sense that she was
under a spell she couldn't escape.
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"…"
Standing next to her, Yokoyama silently rested a hand on
Aoi's shoulder. But she couldn't bring herself to even
murmur Aoi's name. She had realized something as she
watched her team captain sob. Like the others, Yokoyama
had worked harder in the past year than she ever imagined
she could work. She'd followed Aoi's lead, walking in her
shadow—perhaps to grant Aoi's wish.
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But Aoi always worked much harder.
A thought lurked in the back of Yokoyama's mind—and in
the minds of all the other girls on the team.
If there were five Aois on the team, we would have won.
That's why she and the others remained silent. They'd
followed her, but the dream of being the top team in Japan
was a dream that Aoi gave them, no more. It had never been
something they themselves were determined to achieve.
"…!"
Yokoyama bit her lip, frustrated at her own dependence
and powerlessness. But realizing that now didn't help the
situation. She couldn't rewind time, and she couldn't reverse
the tournament results.
They'd always depended on Aoi when they were in
trouble, even in basketball games. She became their go-to in
difficult situations. Eventually, they started believing they
wouldn't reach their dream through their own efforts, but
that Aoi would lead them there.
"…I'm fine, Yoko-chan…"
That's why Yokoyama and the other players didn't
comfort her or congratulate one another on their hard work.
In fact, they couldn't even feel genuine regret over the
outcome.
* * *
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A few hours later, the team was in a room at a Japanese
restaurant in Omiya that their coach had rented out for a
party. The tension of the game had dissipated, and all thirty
team members, including the reserve players and first-year
students, were gathered in the large tatami room.
"Thanks for all your hard work, Aoi!"
"You looked awesome out there!"
"It's so amazing we got second place…!"
The words of congratulation and praise that the younger
players offered soothed Aoi slightly, but of course they didn't
reach her core. Not a single person in the room had worked
as hard as her; they couldn't genuinely praise her, and she
couldn't genuinely praise them.
"Ah-ha-ha. Thanks."
The best she could do was nod and smile superficially.
As the party was winding down, the starters each said a
few words to the group before everyone went home. The five
girls stood in front of the others, while the rest of the team
watched attentively.
"I've never worked so hard for anything in my whole
life…! It's all thanks to Aoi…!"
Each speech was full of praise and gratitude for her.
"I'm so happy I was able to be on this team with…Aoi…
and the rest of you!"
Their words were tearful but positive. That honesty
gradually began to have an effect on Aoi, reaching the soft
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parts of her that she hadn't yet molded to perfection. She
held back the wave of emotion rising within her, staring
straight ahead. The other four starters finished their short
speeches, and now it was her turn. She had naturally gone
last, and with her speech, the curtain would fall on their
entire basketball team experience. Everyone was waiting
eagerly for her words. She slowly opened her mouth.
"…Ladies, thank you for this year."
She was struggling to make this speech, doing her best to
wear the proper mask of a basketball team captain.
"I was only able to work this hard because all of you came
together."
Writhing beneath her own painful regret, she desperately
searched for the ideal words.
"I don't think I could have done it with any other team.
No one else would have believed enough to make this fairy
tale come true."
She had to complete her role in perfection.
"We fell just a tiny bit short of our goal, but second place
is incredible, right?"
She had to prove her own rightness one more time.
"Being on the team with all of you this year…"
But as she prepared to conclude her speech, a strange,
dark tentacle of emotion slithered over her mind.
"Being on the team…has been…"
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The words caught in her throat as the murky feeling
pushed up from deep inside her, threatening to overflow. All
she had to do was say those beautiful, ideal words, just like
everyone else. That was all she had to do to put a neat, tidy
bow on this long, long role she'd poured herself into over the
past year as captain of the Kusunoki Junior High basketball
team.
But she couldn't finish the sentence.
"It's been…"
She was not able to share the same emotion as everybody
else. They'd lost. They hadn't achieved their goal. She could
not honestly say that she enjoyed her time on the team, not
by any definition.
Little by little, she sensed her emotions and thoughts
spinning beyond her control.
"…"
She realized something then. Her eye had always been on
something different from everyone else. She knew that she
could not go back to the person she had once been. She was
fundamentally different from everyone else—there was no
one with whom she could share her outlook on the world.
She realized that large tears were rolling down her cheeks.
She herself didn't understand exactly why she was crying. All
she knew was that she felt horribly, terribly alone in the
world.
"Aoi…?"
The younger girls were starting to cry, too. Needless to
say, they had no idea what was going on inside her at all. But
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they trusted her so deeply that the mere sight of her crying
was enough to bring them to tears.
However.
"…Aoi."
The starters felt something slightly different. Aoi was
crying tears of frustration during her speech, but her eyes
held no hint of weakness. She stared straight ahead so
fixedly it was as if she couldn't do anything else. She took
full responsibility for everything she had taken on—and she
existed on an entirely different plane from them.
Her power was understated but also completely
unnatural.
For the first time, the starters were a bit frightened of her.
It was the first time she had exposed herself to them. But the
hidden part of herself that she had exposed, the part beneath
the armor of her performance, was grotesquely strong.
"So, everybody… Thank you!"
In the end, she finished her speech without saying the
words she had set out to say.
* * *
Late that night, Aoi sat gazing vacantly at her computer
screen. Beneath the heading "Midterm Goals" was the line of
text reading "Win first place in the basketball nationals."
She had selected the text, and her finger was hovering above
the DELETE button.
"…!"
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She was so used to setting and renewing her goals that it
had almost become a routine. Still, in that moment,
something within her resisted pushing the button. Pushing it
was the most humiliating thing she could imagine. It was her
first decisive defeat.
How could she possibly be erasing a goal because she
hadn't achieved it?
Aoi bit her lip and managed to prevent the central pillar in
her heart from collapsing—and tapped the button. The
sound seemed to echo through the room like an explosion.
The joint of the finger she'd used to press the button
throbbed slightly. The words were finally gone, leaving a
white space. Her own emptiness materialized before her
eyes. What would she fill it with?
"Aoi?"
Suddenly, she heard a voice calling from outside her door.
She took a breath and answered.
"Haruka, is that you?"
"I was wondering…"
"…What?"
Haruka's answer was something Aoi could never have
imagined. "…Do you wanna play a video game?"
"Huh?"
She was surprised. Haruka hadn't asked her to do
something like that in a long time. Until a few years earlier,
the three of them had often played together, but ever since
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that day, the sisters had almost never played video games.
Aoi figured it was because she had begun to focus with such
maniacal intensity on her goals. Or maybe it was because
retracing similar memories would lead her to remember the
brilliance of that day, and so she instinctively shrank from it.
Anyway, it was unusual for Haruka to invite her like this.
"Come on, play Atafami with me!"
* * *
"N-no way…"
"Crushed you!"
The game's real name was Attack Families, but everyone
called it Atafami. It was the most popular PvP action game
in Japan.
Aoi and Haruka were sitting in front of the TV in the
living room, each holding a controller. Aoi wasn't sure why
Haruka had suddenly invited her to play, but she guessed it
might have been an attempt to cheer her up. That didn't
mean she was going easy on Aoi, of course—really, she was
as intent on winning as she always had been when the three
of them played.
"Oof…"
Aoi stared at the results screen in a daze. Back when the
three of them were all crazy about games for no particular
reason, Aoi had been the best player. Even though she'd only
played Atafami once or twice before, she never expected
Haruka to beat her with three out of four stocks left.
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"I can't believe I lost so badly to a sixth grader!"
"You haven't practiced enough."
"L-let's go again!"
"Sure!"
But the results weren't any different from their first game.
Her relative lack of experience with Atafami was entirely to
blame, but still, Aoi couldn't help feeling disgruntled.
"Argh, damn it!"
"You had that coming!"
"What!! Why couldn't I hit you?"
"It's called a spot dodge."
"I-I've never heard of that…"
The battle was lopsided but heated. The third-year junior
high student getting trounced by the sixth-year elementary
student seemed somehow younger than she was and fully
invested in the game.
"I l-lost again…"
"That was easy! I think you studied too much and now
you're bad at games."
"Grrr…"
Aoi glared at her little sister. Of course, both of them were
still children. But Aoi had always hated to lose. Being
crushed this badly was incredibly frustrating for her.
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Maybe because they were so excited and wrapped up in
the game, they didn't notice their mother standing behind
them. A soapy sponge in one hand, she was watching them
in a trance.
"Oh, Mom!" Aoi said when she finally noticed her there.
She felt oddly embarrassed, as if her mother had caught her
doing something bad. But her mother smiled, her eyes
sparkling, and said something Aoi hadn't expected.
"…You look like you're really having fun, Aoi."
"Huh?"
Aoi was genuinely surprised by her mother's words. She
was losing game after game to her younger sister—but she
was having fun? For Aoi, who had spent the past several
years constantly pursuing victory and eventually found
herself unable to even utter the word fun, her mother's
comment felt very unnatural.
But her mother wasn't the only one with that impression.
Haruka was smiling innocently at her, too.
"You really do!"
Aoi loved that smile of Haruka's—and it made her a little
shy. She started to feel unsure. How did she really feel,
inside the mask, in her innermost heart? What expression
was her real self making? Was she genuinely enjoying her
recent loss? She looked down at the controller in her hands,
feeling oddly unsettled.
"…Do I?"
The uncharacteristically uncertain question was directed
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at herself.
* * *
After that, Aoi started playing Atafami with Haruka on a
regular basis. Was she simply trying to get better at the
game? Or was she drawn to that emotion she'd felt for a
fleeting moment? Whichever the answer, she got more and
more obsessed.
"Hmm…so you figured out that I always jump here…"
She had a habit of sorts. Whenever she was faced with
something that had rules and results, she unconsciously
began to analyze its structure. She did it with schoolwork
and club activities and even with the structure of
relationships in her class. In the process of aiming for the
top, she'd become better than anyone else at analyzing these
systems. Of course, she quickly surpassed Haruka at
Atafami.
"Eek! Aoi, you really are the Evil Overlord!"
The strange thing was, no matter how many times she
played Atafami with Haruka, that was the only time that
excitement welled up inside her.
"Heh-heh! I won!"
"You're too good! How'd you get so good?"
"I'm just a natural, I guess."
True, she'd beaten Haruka. But that alive, warm feeling
didn't come from winning.
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"Haruka?! No fair…"
"Is too fair!"
"Ooh, if I run this way, you'll fall off the edge and I won't."
"Hey! Now you're being unfair!"
"Ah-ha-ha. Am not."
The mood was a lot like it had been when the three sisters
had played together years ago.
"Aoi?"
"What?"
The rowdy game over, Haruka gently set down her
controller.
"We used to play games like this a lot…before."
"…I know."
The expression on Haruka's face was a mixture of sadness
and loneliness. Aoi didn't need to ask to know what she
meant. She ruffled her sister's hair affectionately. If she
hadn't, she felt sure the loneliness would have overtaken
her, too.
"…Okay, Haruka! Let's play one more time!"
"What, really? You haven't had enough yet?"
Maybe the two of them were running from the loneliness,
or maybe they were indulging in the nostalgia. They played
again and again and again. Three controllers were plugged
into the console. But the sister who used to hold the third
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one was no longer there.
* * *
Before she knew it, Aoi was more obsessed with Atafami
than Haruka was. When Haruka was home, she played with
her sister, and when she wasn't, she played online. It was as
if she'd found her place. Any game might have served the
same purpose, as long as she and Haruka could laugh
together as they played. As long as it uncovered their buried
memories and feelings from that other time, anything would
have done—maybe it didn't even have to be a video game.
But by chance, Atafami also happened to fit Hinami's
criteria for the best games. The correct type of effort yielded
the correct results, without unfair flukes or inequalities.
Simple rules entwined in a complex way to form a deeply
engaging game. In other words, a god-tier game.
Each time she dove into it, she felt more convinced that it
was as interesting as real life. Plus, it had the most players of
any PvP game in Japan, so anytime she went online, she
could play against other high-level players from all over the
country. She could even tell how good they were from their
winrates. Aoi believed only in numbers and results, and
attaining them was everything to her. There could hardly be
a more perfect way to fill the emptiness in her heart.
Within several months of getting into Atafami, her
winrate had rocketed to the top 0.5 percent, making her
inarguably one of the best players in the country. That was
when she realized something.
Ever since the day she decided to do things right, ever
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since the moment she realized she needed to win more than
anyone else, she thought she had taken the best course of
action. But she had lost the basketball tournament. Now she
knew why.
"…"
No, she had probably known it since the moment she lost.
Maybe she had begun to sense it even earlier, when she was
practicing with the team. She knew why she hadn't won.
Because she hadn't been pursuing a personal goal.
Of course, managing other people's motivations could be
inherent to winning, in a sense. But ultimately, other people
were other people. Controlling them completely was
impossible. She suspected that her teammates had sensed
the same thing. They pushed themselves to the limit for her,
but they still couldn't be like her. They lacked the same
driving force, the same emptiness.
She couldn't blame them for it. She was simply a different
kind of person than they were.
Aoi stayed in her room playing Atafami like a girl
possessed. Her handle was Aoi. She didn't have a good
reason for making that her name, beyond the fact that it was
the name she'd registered her console under. She hadn't felt
the need to choose a special name, and a common name like
Aoi seemed just right for diving single-mindedly into
competitions.
The most important thing was playing Atafami constantly
helped her relieve her regrets slightly. The way that her
effort was instantly reflected in her winrate suited her
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personality perfectly. It was a way to prove her impeccable
correctness.
"…Whoa, seriously?"
One day, she was paired with a new opponent and felt a
jolt of surprise. She knew that name. At first, she thought
her opponent must be an impostor, but when she saw the
number written next to the name, she knew it really was
him.
nanashi Winrate: 2,569
That number was incredible. Of course she knew the
name. She was going up against the best player in Japan, the
one who had consistently held onto the top winrate.
Nanashi.
"…Yes!"
A quiet joy bubbled up inside her. She'd been wanting to
play him forever. Gender and age didn't matter in this
simple, fair, incredible game. This was the top Atafami
player in Japan, who had built up an incredible record. In
the world of gaming, he was a monster who did everything
right.
Even though they were playing online, this was still an
opportunity to face off against someone truly worthy of
respect. How much of a fight could she put up?
What did the world look like through his eyes?
Aoi's own winrate was just over 2,000. She figured there
was still probably a gulf between their ability levels. But
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based on her experiences analyzing, attempting, and
"conquering" everything from schoolwork to basketball to
relationships, she thought she might be able to do a little
damage. Maybe she could give the famous nanashi a
surprise.
In the realm of academics, she'd proved herself in various
fights using the methodology she'd cultivated, refining it
meticulously.
In the realm of sports, she'd mastered precision moves
through repeated trial and error, improving her firepower to
the limit.
In the realm of relationships, she'd won repeatedly at
mind games by using the tactics she'd developed.
This was her pet theory: Anything with rules and results
was a game, life and Atafami included.
And she intended to attack nanashi with everything she'd
learned in the game of life.
Aoi calmed her pounding heart and pressed the button to
confirm.
She knew she wasn't likely to win, but she wasn't about to
let him beat her for free, either.
She let out a slow breath and concentrated her attention
in the tips of her fingers.
When the game ended, Aoi sat in a daze, the controller
still in her hands, staring at the screen.
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"…That was amazing."
She'd been no match for him. He crushed her. She hadn't
expected to win; she'd assumed a loss was inevitable. But
she hadn't expected to completely fail to defend herself at
all.
When it came to mastery of fighting techniques, precision
of combos, and reads, which she'd considered her specialty—
he'd dominated her completely.
"…How'd he do it?"
She had been completely outsmarted, made to dance like
a marionette in his palm. He predicted her moves almost as
if he were leading her into them, and the instant before she
chose a given move, he unleashed the perfect counter.
She had never experienced this before, but it was by no
means unpleasant. She was able to realize something as she
played—if someone worked really hard at it, they could get
this good.
"So that was nanashi…"
She was so excited she almost sent him a chat message—
but quickly changed her mind. After all, she was no one in
this world. She didn't have the right to talk to him on equal
footing yet. Instead of sending a message, she sent a request
for another game.
But.
"…Oh."
A second later, nanashi left the room. Yeah, she was
insignificant to him at this stage.
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"…So that's where I stand."
Nevertheless, she was elated. Memories of the party after
the basketball nationals, and of her speech, came flooding
back. The loneliness and isolation she'd felt at that moment
had left wounds that still ached. Everyone had been saying
how fun it was, except for her. For her, winning first place
had been a genuine goal, the only thing she wanted. Fun had
nothing to do with it. The only things she'd been pursuing
were victory, correctness, and something to fill the void.
Maybe she really was a monster; maybe understanding and
being understood was impossible for her.
But this moment felt completely different.
She thought no one else could put in as much effort as
her, or analyze the structure of things so well, or deal with
other people so shrewdly. But to him, everything she
considered "life" was a speck of dust. To her, that was
unimaginable—and that was why her heart felt ready to
explode with joy. It was the polar opposite of her experience
during her speech after the nationals experience.
This time, she was the one watching the show.
A new sort of hope sprouted in her heart. Maybe the
heights she was climbing toward weren't so dark and
desolate after all. Maybe someone was waiting up there—
someone who had put in even more effort than her.
Yes. Maybe this person had the potential.
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Maybe the champion of the most popular PvP game in
Japan could share this loneliness with her.
She knew nothing.
She looked forward to everything.
Maybe if she took off running toward this goal, she'd be
able to reach it this time.
"…Nanashi," she muttered as she turned off the console
and opened YouTube on her phone. She was able to find a
number of videos of games against him. Whoever posted
them probably hadn't gotten his permission, but she didn't
care. She added them all to her playlist.
After that, she opened up the Word document she'd been
editing. The void within her popped up on-screen—the blank
canvas of her "Midterm Goals."
Slowly, she typed in a new line of text.
"Be better than nanashi."
She closed the document, and burning with this fierce
new determination, she began to analyze nanashi's play
style.
I'll start by copying him. It's okay to pretend at first—as
long as I eventually start doing everything right.
After all, the real me died on that day, and the real me is
no one.
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Which means—
If I'm not here anymore, this name means nothing.
I don't need to borrow strength from the sun. I'm strong
enough on my own.
Okay—
Giving herself over to this feeling of elation, she opened
the settings screen on the console and went to the "name"
field. She typed in the characters one at a time, as if she were
carving them into her soul. She knew she was empty, but
that was exactly the point. She would fill that void with
victories she grabbed for herself. She would discard anything
she had received from anyone else and prove through her
own strength that meaning could be given to a void.
She erased the word Aoi and typed in six English letters
and one space.
She was intent on covering her first loss. Her movements
were imbued with much more passion than when she'd
deleted the goal she failed to achieve.
She banged the ENTER key hard with her middle finger, as
if she were planting a flag of decision in her life.
At that moment, NO NAME had no idea that a year and a
half later, she—as Aoi Hinami—would meet the bottom-tier
character nanashi face-to-face.