It sucks to say this stuff directly, but it appears that I,
Minami Nanami, have been rejected in love.
I have this bad habit of distancing myself from my
emotions when I've been hurt. It seems like it should make
me feel a little better, but the truth is, it doesn't really work.
The problem is that I can't stop trying to escape reality
anyway.
I want someone to praise me, to tell me I did a wonderful
thing and everything will be all right, because after all, I did
push the guy I like toward another girl. I'm not trying to say
that anything would be different for me right now if I hadn't
done that, but they're dating now thanks to me. I think that
counts as a successful assist—like when the ref blows the
whistle just as the other player makes a three-pointer. Go,
Minami! Except the ball went into my own basket.
I'm an expert on myself, which means I know more about
myself than anyone else does—at least, I think I do, but I'm
always tripping over my own feet. It's been a problem for a
long time. Basically, what happens is that I think I should do
one thing, but then I get in trouble and give up what I
wanted to somebody else. So like, fine, whatever—at least
they got something good out of it, right? But a part of me
doesn't really think that. I've done the same thing millions of
times, which makes me wonder—what do I want anyway?
When I start thinking I'm the only one who ever loses out,
that's a sign that I'm really starting to spiral into regret. All
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these little scrapes and scratches feel like they're bleeding
tears more than blood—and fun fact! Tears and blood are
made of almost identical components. I try to brush things
over with fun little facts like that, but who am I even trying
to fool right now?
I do know one thing, though. First, my head is probably
going to feel fuzzy for this whole winter break. And second,
this time I definitely lost the thing I wanted. I know, I know
—that was two things, not one, but let's not get hung up on
the details. To me, the two things are basically one anyway.
So what did I decide to do? Same thing I've always done.
Go on living my life cheerfully, happily, and noisily.
* * *
It was a coincidence, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't have
a small hunch that it might happen. After all, it's the kind of
place you'd expect to find her.
"Oh…Nanami-san and Natsubayashi-san…?"
A few days had passed since the school festival party, and
we were getting close to New Year's Day. Tama and I had
been walking around snow-covered Omiya when we came to
a stylish café, and it happened. Tama was sitting across from
me at a table when who else but Fuka-chan should appear.
"Fuka-chan?"
Incredibly, she was wearing a maid costume and carrying
a tray with glasses of water in one hand. For a second, she
looked so perfect I thought she was a snow sprite, but since
we were inside, I decided that couldn't be. Which meant she
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must work here. I stared at her as she stood there blushing
uneasily.
"What are you wearing?! It's so adorable!"
She had on glasses, which she doesn't usually wear, and a
maid costume that was a little tamer than the cosplay ones
but still supercute on her. The second I saw her I was just
about knocked out.
"That looks so perfect on you! I wish you'd wear that to
school!"
"Uh, um…"
"Can I take a picture?! Please! I won't show it to anyone
else."
"Um, well…"
"Minmi. You're putting Kikuchi-san on the spot," Tama
snapped, obviously displeased that I was bothering Fukachan. Then all of a sudden, she started giggling and shook
her head. I love the way her expression changes from second
to second, and she even had another adorable creature
standing right next to her. It was a double whammy. I
wouldn't be surprised if they charged me extra for this
harem experience.
"I'm sorry about Minmi. So you've got a part-time job
here?"
"Y-yes."
While I was incapable of not being a weirdo, Tama was
being super nice to Kikuchi-san. Ever since the thing with
Erika, Tama's been so kind, and she's gotten so good at
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interacting with people. She doesn't even need me anymore.
I'm happy she's matured so much, but she's still adorable, so
I fully intend to continue hitting on her.
"This café is so perfect for you," Tama said, looking
around.
"R-really…? Thanks so much."
"Um, how long have you worked here?"
"Since the start of second year…"
"Wow!"
I stood by chewing on my finger while the two of them
had this nice conversation. I wondered why Tama was acting
a little more proactive than usual, but I was getting to watch
a lovely exchange between these two for free, so why worry?
And I'm an honest woman, so when I say I was chewing on
my finger, I mean I was literally chewing on my finger.
"Well…I'll come back when you're ready to order."
"Sounds good!"
"What? You're leaving? I'll be so lonely! Come back soon!"
"Um, okay."
I wiggled with excitement at the confused look she gave
me, waving good-bye as she set the water on our table and
left. She returned my wave sedately, which just made the
wiggles worse. So cute!
"This really is a great place."
"We haven't even tried the food yet."
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"Oh right."
I was still excited about our unexpected encounter, but
Tama was as cool as always. Maybe the reason she's able to
stay so calm in the presence of such an adorable creature is
because she's an adorable creature herself.
"It really does suit her…," I couldn't help muttering. I
mean, Fuka-chan really is cute. She's so graceful you'd think
she was some sort of aristocrat, and she has this naturally
good smell, too. Not like perfume; more like soap or
shampoo or something. Her hair is silky, but it's her face
that's so pretty. She's got all the elements of a perfect
teenage girl, and she's wearing a maid costume? You could
knock me over with a feather.
"Yeah, well, why don't you get yourself one?" Tama asked.
I imagined myself wearing a maid costume, but I'm not
sure I'd look so great. Maybe it wouldn't be horrible on me,
but I'd definitely look like I was doing cosplay. I mean, I
don't have that fairy aura that Fuka-chan has, and it's pretty
hard to imagine a noisy, rowdy maid.
"Nope, I don't think I'm the type for it," I said honestly.
Fuka-chan is all airy and fluffy, with that waifish figure
and pale skin, but at the same time, I feel like she's got a
spine. You could imagine her as the heroine of some story.
She's totally different from me. I'm always loud.
As I was thinking all this, I suddenly sensed something
murky rising up from the depths of my heart. I mean, guys
prefer that kind of—
"…Minmi?"
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Snapping back to reality, I realized that Tama was peering
into my face. Damn, that was close. I might have become
Dark Mimimi again. Lately, Dark Mimimi has been poking
her nasty head out the second I let down my guard, so I
really have to pay attention all the time.
Jealousy and self-loathing pile up like snow in my heart;
even if I try to shovel it out of the way, it ends up sticking
around in some corner. I know I've just got to wait for it to
melt, but in the meantime, I have to be careful not to slip
and fall on it.
"…What? What's up, Tama?" I smiled, pretending
everything was fine. Smiling like that is my secret weapon.
Even sharp little Tama usually can't see through it to what
I'm really feeling.
"…Oh, nothing."
She seemed slightly dissatisfied, but she was nice enough
to drop it. Even if she notices something is off, she won't ask
if I don't say anything. Tama's good with boundaries. I
respect that about her.
"You know, you can always talk to me," she commented.
Somehow, the words were brusque and brimming with
affection at the same time. I think it's her way of showing
her love.
"I know. Thanks."
I considered telling her what was on my mind but decided
not to. Tama knows I'm close with Tomozaki, but she
doesn't know I told him my feelings. It's not that I'm keeping
it secret. It's just that I don't want to show her more of my
weaknesses and lean on her too much.
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Plus—if I said something now, when Tomozaki's already
dating Fuka-chan, she probably wouldn't know what to say.
"Anyway, what should we order?! Everything looks so
good! I'm starving!"
As I always did, I waved it all away in my usual loud,
cheerful way and examined the menu, which had a sort of
trendy fantasy vibe. Tama nodded and started studying the
options with me. I did feel like I was hiding something from
her—but only partly. I mean, I really was starving.
* * *
After we finished eating, we hung out and relaxed at the
café. The hamburger I ordered was super delicious, and my
only regret was that the lunch rush meant I didn't have a
chance to hit on Fuka-chan again. I was feeling calmer by
then, so I figured I'd better make up for lost time.
"Even the tea is amazing!" I said, elegantly sipping my
after-lunch cup of black tea.
Usually, I load it up with milk and sugar, but this café
probably had some kind of special blend. I decided to skip
the milk and go light on the sugar, which turned out to be an
excellent decision. The faint sweetness and rich aroma made
for the perfect cuppa. Hee-hee, I sound like a grown-up,
right?
"I know, it's delicious!" said Tama, who'd ordered the
lemon tea.
"The hamburgers here are excellent, and Fuka-chan is
cute. I think we've found the ideal café…"
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"Just don't harass the staff, okay?"
Tama-chan never fails to see through to my ulterior
motives. It would've been cute if she was saying that because
she didn't want me to hit on anyone except her, but there
was something exciting about the way she ignored me, too.
We chatted aimlessly for a few more minutes, then
suddenly Tama stood up.
"I'm going to the restroom."
"Okay. Want me to come with?"
"No, it's fine."
With that, she marched off toward the bathroom. She
looked so cute from behind, I considered tackling her, but
we weren't in school right now. I know these things have a
time and a place.
Sitting there by myself was kinda boring, and I started
scanning the room for Fuka-chan so I could figure out a way
to bug her again, when…
"It was nice to see you today!"
…I heard a crystal-clear voice coming from the entrance
and turned in that direction. Who should I see but Fukachan, wearing her street clothes and saying good-bye to the
other café staff. Yes! This was going to be a piece of cake.
I waved cheerfully at her. "Fuka-chan!"
She looked over and smiled nervously, then slowly walked
in my direction. The perfect chance to do a little flirting!
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"Is your shift over?"
"Y-yes, it is."
I glanced at my phone. It was after three. She'd probably
been working since morning and just finished. Perfect.
"Well, then, my dear, would you like to join us for a cup of
tea?"
My cute-girl radar was blaring so loud, I accidentally went
for an old-fashioned pickup line. She seems like the hard-toget type, so I thought she'd say no.
I really did.
But after pausing for a moment, she said, "Um, well…I'd
love to."
There was so much determination behind her expression.
Well, this was an unexpected twist. Wasn't she nervous to
talk to me without Tama there? For once, I felt a little
nervous myself.
"Uh, no pressure. You can say no if you don't want to," I
said as nicely as possible.
"Um…it's fine. I do want to."
"…Really?"
So she said, but she was obviously nervous, and even
though I was the one who invited her, I didn't know why she
would go so far outside her comfort zone to accept my
invitation. On the other hand, we'd hardly ever talked
before, so it could be a good opportunity—
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But as I thought about it, my excitement began to cool. I'd
called out to her on the spur of the moment, but was this
going to be awkward? I mean, Fuka-chan was dating the guy
I'd asked out myself. The whirling thoughts in my head were
stirring up anxiety.
Does Fuka-chan know what I told Tomozaki?
If she knows, what does she think about it?
If she doesn't, should I tell her?
If I tell her…do I have to stop talking to Tomozaki?
As I was mulling over these questions, a woman in her
twenties, who must have been Fuka-chan's manager, noticed
us and came over.
"Oh, Kikuchi-san, is this your friend? I'll bring over some
cake for everyone, no charge!" she offered cheerfully. Now
there was no going back.
"Oh, thank you so much," I said.
"Umm…" Fuka-chan looked back and forth between her
manager and me, smiling uncomfortably. "Okay, do you
mind if I sit here?" She sat down across from me and
nervously straightened her back.
"Of course not! Welcome!"
Somehow, her nervousness was spreading to me. Our
one-on-one dialogue had begun.
* * *
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"Um…"
Fuka-chan's eyes were darting around anxiously, which
made her look even more like a little squirrel or something. I
think she was searching for a topic. Fear not, Mimimi-chan
will handle that!
"So! I never expected you and the Brain to start dating!"
Yeah, I was barging straight into the main topic, but this
wasn't the time to beat around the bush—and I'll admit, if
she did know something, I wanted to lure her into saying it
herself. I know, I'm sneaky.
"So you think it's unexpected?" she said, glancing at me
questioningly. Given the topic, I was feeling anxious, too, but
I made an effort to act normal.
"No, maybe not. What I mean is…Tomozaki doesn't seem
to have the same interests as you."
Fuka-chan giggled happily. "You could be right. I bet he
doesn't pay attention to anything he doesn't like."
"Exactly!" I said, smiling. "He said it's 'cause he's a gamer,
but I still think he's kind of extreme!"
"Tee-hee. I know."
"Right?"
We were really getting into this conversation about
Tomozaki. Hey, wait a second, are we warming up to each
other? I was also thinking that she didn't seem to know
about me and Tomozaki, which I admit may have been
slightly sneaky of me. But also, watching her get so happy
talking about Tomozaki did prick my heart a little. I don't
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like that part of myself, but I can't hold back Dark Mimimi
when she starts to think like that.
"I have a hard time imagining what the two of you talk
about," I said, slyly nudging the conversation toward
uncovering more about the two of them.
"What we talk about?" she said, thinking for a moment.
"We've talked about the future, the best way to live…"
"Wow, that's so deep!" I blurted out. Those were lofty
topics—but they did seem like things Tomozaki would talk
about. Was that what I was missing in his eyes? My chest
tightened. On the other hand, it was kind of messed up for
me to go out of my way to ask something like that and then
get hurt by the answer.
"Um, has he said anything about me? I won't let him get
away with gossiping about me!"
I almost asked her straight out what was on my mind. I
wanted to know. The truth was, I wanted to know something
a lot more important than gossip, but I couldn't help being a
little silly to cover up the seriousness of it. One day the gods
will punish me for acting like this.
"Talked about you…?"
"Yes."
"Um…"
She thought for a moment, while I quivered in fear of this
totally trivial thing. If she did know everything, then she
might have known exactly what I was up to. Several tensionfilled seconds passed. Finally, she awkwardly said, "Not
really… He just said you walk home from the station
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together and you're friends…"
"Oh, really?"
She didn't seem to be hiding anything. I was pretty sure
she didn't know. But at the same time, it was sort of
depressing that the Brain hadn't talked about me. Knowing
him, he probably thought it would be wrong to say anything
to her, but… Come on, Brain, was that all my confession of
love meant to you?! Wait, what am I saying?!
When I calmed down enough to think, I realized it was
wrong to poke around the edges like this. Putting a nice
person like Fuka-chan on the spot really wasn't the right
thing to do.
"Actually…," I said, deciding to atone for my sin by
confessing. "A little while ago…I told the Brain…that I liked
him."
"What?!" she said in a louder voice than I've ever heard
her use before, her eyes going all round.
"Sorry that was so sudden!"
"Oh, no, um…"
Her eyes darted around like she didn't know what to say.
Well, yeah. She was sitting across from a potential rival, and
now she was dating the guy in question. Of course she didn't
know what to say. They were dating already, end of story.
She couldn't exactly say, Sorry I stole him, but she wasn't
mean enough to act totally unfazed. It really put her in a
tight spot.
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"No, I'm the one who lost!"
All I could do at that point was be as loud and cheerful as
possible.
"L-lost…?"
"Yeah! I liked the Brain, too, right? But he chose you. It
was a battle of hearts! No hard feelings!"
"Er, battle…?"
"Yes! But don't worry about it…although I know that's
easier said than done. I just wanted to do the right thing!" I
said in my usual cheery way, giving her a thumbs-up in
hopes of easing the tension.
She gazed at me solemnly. Her expression was still a little
frightened, but her voice was completely calm as she finally
spoke.
"Um…I don't think it's a battle."
"Really? You don't?"
I'd used that word without much thought, but I couldn't
help flinching at her serious reaction. I know I've got a bad
habit of talking without thinking, but I don't want people to
see what's really going on in my heart. Trying to hide is just
instinct. Actually, I felt like I'd been spinning my wheels for
a while in this conversation.
"I think there are many reasons two people end up in a
romantic relationship…"
"…Uh-huh?"
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The way she said it was kind of awkward, but I think it
was just because she was doing her best to treat me
seriously. Which meant that even a sneaky girl like me had
to make an attempt to be earnest.
"For example, they have similar goals, or they simply
enjoy spending time together…or they complement each
other's weak spots…I think those are some of the reasons."
I could see her point.
"I think I get what you're saying. When I like someone, it
usually falls into one of those categories."
"Tee-hee. Me too." She smiled mischievously.
"Wait, so you're saying you've had crushes on lots of
people in the past?"
"Of course! I'm a girl, too, you know."
"Wow, that's a surprise!"
We shared a smile, and I felt a little closer to her.
Romantic gossip really was a great way for girls to become
friends. Although I kinda wish it hadn't started with my
underhanded question.
"What you said about complementing each other's weak
spots is interesting," I said, sensing that needle pricking my
heart again. "…It probably doesn't work when the
complementing only goes one way, huh?"
Fuka-chan peered at me with her beautiful, clear eyes.
Then she said slowly, "Is that what happened with you?"
I felt like she'd just seen straight into my heart with that
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quiet, overwhelming power of hers. I like to think I'm good
at conversation, but in that moment, I suddenly had no idea
what to say. But I didn't feel like she'd invaded my privacy—
more like she was simply peering deep inside of me.
Did I just want someone to make up for what I was
missing without being able to offer anything in return? The
question was fairly painful for me to consider.
"Um, well…"
"Oh, sorry, that was a rude question!"
"No, not at all!"
I was surprised to suddenly be confronted with a question
that reached my core, but it wasn't rude. She was just being
straightforward—I was the one at fault for beating around
the bush.
Plus, if I was going to bring up a topic like this and try to
trick her into revealing information, then maybe I owed it to
her to admit a few of my own secrets.
"I think…," I began.
"Yes?" she said, listening attentively.
"I think I envied Tomozaki for having such a strong core."
"Mm…," she said, nodding before settling in to listen
again.
"And the reason I fell for him…was because when we were
together, he made up for something I didn't have, y'know?" I
said lightly.
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Fuka-chan seemed to be thinking seriously about what I'd
said. "Do you mean that when you were together, you felt a
little bit stronger?"
"Hmm, maybe."
"And…you liked yourself more when you were with him?"
"That might be it!"
She really nailed it. When I'm with him, his strength
spreads to me, and that's why I feel so at ease. Normally, I
don't like myself that much, but when I'm with him, I do.
"Tee-hee. I know how you feel. Tomozaki is timid, but he's
got that strength."
I had to laugh. She got it.
"Ah-ha-ha. I know exactly what you mean." And yet
breathing was getting harder and harder.
"Once he makes up his mind to do something, he won't
give up until he's done it."
"…Yeah."
Weak but strong.
"He won't change direction just because somebody tells
him to."
Cowardly but sure of his path.
"He believes in himself."
The thought that occurred to me right then is probably a
sign that I'm a bad person. But there's no way I can brush
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over that cold, small feeling. I mean, I did think it.
I wanted to be the only one who knew how cool Tomozaki
could be.
As the person he rejected, I know I shouldn't be thinking
that. He chose Fuka-chan, so naturally she would know at
least that much about him. Still, that girl inside of me was
screaming.
"I…really like those things about him, too."
"Ah-ha-ha… I bet. Makes sense."
The more she talked, the worse I felt. I wanted to jam my
fingers into my ears. But I still couldn't bring myself to
dislike her. I agreed completely with every word she was
saying.
I could never hate someone who had so many good things
to say about the guy I like.
"…Yup."
At the same time, I realized something. The fact that I felt
this way meant that—
"I think I still like him."
"…Hmm."
I decided to tell her the truth. "I haven't given up on him
yet."
"Yes…that's what I thought."
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She looked straight at me, and I couldn't tell what she was
thinking. I didn't detect any hostility or anger in her eyes.
"I don't plan to do anything bad, but I'm going to be true
to myself." My words sounded more like an athlete's oath
than a declaration of war. "Is that okay?" I was surprised by
how calm I felt after that.
"I don't think there can be any wrong answers when it
comes to liking someone."
"Wrong answers?"
That was an odd thing to say. She nodded and continued,
like she was confronting me head-on with her beliefs.
"Some people fall for strong people they look up to, and
others fall for weak people they think they can save. Some
people like being pursued, and some people's feelings grow
stronger out of jealousy."
"Yeah…I guess you're right."
Her words swept over me, as quiet as the woods. I nodded
slowly, but I still didn't know what she was getting at. I
watched her intently as she went on.
"Whatever the reason…," she said, pausing to search for
the right words. "If you like someone, it's not wrong."
For some reason, she was clearly trying very hard to
convince me.
"That's why…I want to respect your feelings for
Tomozaki."
Now that she'd said that, there was no way I could dislike
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her.
"…You do? Thank you," I said, genuinely grateful. I never
expected Tomozaki's girlfriend to affirm my feelings for him.
After a few seconds, she seemed to realize something and
frantically added, "Oh, I'm sorry… Maybe it's not my place to
say something like that…"
"Ah-ha-ha. Good point."
"Right…!"
She was so cute when she got flustered. I couldn't hate
her. If anything, I was developing a crush on her myself.
"Thank you. I mean it."
* * *
By then, Tama was heading back to the table, so we
stopped talking about Tomozaki. Instead, we hung out for an
hour or so talking about the play and entrance exams and
stuff before we got ready to leave.
"Well…I'm going to stop at the bookstore, so I'd better be
going."
"Gotcha! Thanks, Fuka-chan—that was fun!"
"Take care!"
As Tama and I saw her off, she waved at us with a smile.
"I had a good time, too! Well, um, bye!"
"Bye!"
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"See you later!"
Even as I waved cheerfully, I was swooning inside.
Hearing the one and only Fuka-chan say she had a good
time was almost too much for me.
"That was an odd little get-together," I commented to
Tama as I watched Fuka-chan walk across the street from
the train station.
Tama ignored me at first, but as I turned toward the
station, she hit me with a fastball.
"You had feelings for Tomozaki, right?"
"What?!" I yelped, looking behind me reflexively. I got
into the weeds with Fuka-chan, too, so I guess it was just
that kind of day?
"Wh-wh-wh-why'd you say that?!"
"It's obvious," she replied. Apparently, I wasn't going to
be able to sweep this under the rug.
"Um, well…I did l-like him, but…"
"I knew it."
She sighed. It's like she has the mind of an adult in the
body of a child.
"Did everything go okay with you and Kikuchi-san?"
I was thrown off again by her totally straightforward
question, but I could sense how kind she'd gotten compared
to before. Interesting. She decided to bring this up because
she saw me and Fuka-chan talking.
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"You were worried about me?" I asked.
"Of course I was. When I came out of the bathroom and
was about to head back to the table, you two seemed to be in
some sort of complicated conversation."
"Oh…hey, wait," I said, catching on to something. That
must mean… "Did you kill time until we were done?"
She pouted. "Obviously. I wouldn't interrupt a
conversation like that. I can read the room."
"Ah-ha-ha, never thought I'd hear you talking about
reading the room."
"I can pay attention when I want to!"
"Hmm…"
That made me happy, but I was also remembering my talk
with Fuka-chan. Basically, we'd shared our true feelings and
understood each other a little better.
"It was fine. We just talked about our feelings. No
arguments or anything."
"Really?"
"Really." I nodded, but something was still bothering me.
"…Tama, do you think the reason I liked the Brain…was
because I wanted to lean on his strength?"
"That was a sudden question!"
"Kikuchi-san and I were talking about it—about why I had
a crush on him."
"Huh," she said softly, giving me an appraising look. "Do
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you think that was the only reason?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
Her surprisingly direct question was reassuring in a sense,
but I didn't have a ready answer. Why did I like him? I think
my answer was different from Fuka-chan's. I looked Tamachan in the eye, as if we were analyzing me together.
"…It's tough getting through everything on my own, but
changing is even harder, so I think I just relied on someone
stronger than me."
Whoops, that was really serious. But Tama just listened
with the same expression on her face.
"But if I was just relying on him, did I really like him?
Should I have even told him? Fuka-chan said it was okay,
but I'm not sure."
I feel like Fuka-chan's way of thinking is similar to
Tomozaki's, and their general personality is kind of similar,
too. They probably started dating for a lot of different
reasons. By comparison, I'd started to think that I just saw
him as someone who could carry my emotional baggage.
Tama listened thoughtfully to my sudden revelation.
"Well, this is just my opinion, but…"
"Yeah?"
"I agree that it's not always easy to be the one people rely
on. It's a heavy thing on your shoulders."
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"That sounds bad."
Her words cut straight into my heart.
"I'm not done," she said, smiling in a way that felt like a
hug.
"I also think being leaned on can be a very warm feeling."
She tapped my chest.
"So I don't think you should worry about it too much."
It was like a weight was instantly lifted from my heart.
"Ah-ha-ha. Thanks. I really owe you one."
"You're welcome."
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As usual lately, she met my serious words of gratitude
with a silly smug look. I love her for that. I actually think I
might have a crush on Tama and Fuka-chan and Tomozaki
—so in a sense, I'm a really lucky girl.
"Ah, life, so full of twists and turns."
Tama and I kept walking along beneath the cold sky.
Snow was still piled deep along the edges of the streets in
Omiya, but the warm sunshine was gradually beginning to
melt it.