I first sensed something was off the Monday after Izumi and
Nakamura started dating.
A loud clatter came from the front of the classroom.
"Oh, sorry!"
A pencil case had fallen onto the floor, the contents
scattering everywhere. The students sitting nearby stopped
the rolling erasers with their feet. Someone must have
carelessly bumped into the case, knocking it off the desk and
onto the floor, and quickly apologized.
There was nothing so unusual about that. It happened
relatively often. What made me uneasy was the identity of
the student apologizing, and the person they were
apologizing to.
The one apologizing was Erika Konno.
The one being apologized to was Hirabayashi-san.
Erika Konno had knocked Hirabayashi-san's pencil case
onto the floor and offered a quick "sorry!" Then she headed
over to her usual spot by the window and started chatting
with her crew instead of helping pick up the pencils. That
wasn't too surprising from her.
Honestly, it was kind of uncomfortable. But she had
apologized, and it wasn't a big enough deal to deserve
criticism. After all, the students sitting near Hirabayashi-san
helped pick up the pencils and erasers, so everything was
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cleaned up quickly. I bet most people thought to themselves,
Oh, Erika Konno is acting like she runs the world again ,
and stopped at that. Just another day in our class.
But that impression quickly changed.
Because it didn't stop.
Of course, I didn't mean that Erika Konno kept knocking
Hirabayashi-san's pencil case onto the ground. It was a
string of little things. For example, when one member of
Konno's group and Hirabayashi-san were both in charge of
class chores, Konno made Hirabayashi-san do all the work,
just as she'd forced her to become captain. Another time,
during break, a paper airplane Konno had made using one of
her groupies' papers just happened to hit Hirabayashi-san
on the head. And whenever she walked near Hirabayashisan's desk, she just happened to kick the leg.
If you looked at the incidents individually, you might
assume Erika Konno was just in a bad mood that day. But
this string of little incidents was all piling up on
Hirabayashi-san.
After about a week of this, I and most of the other
students had noticed she was doing it on purpose. And she
was doing it to be mean. Erika Konno's actions were turning
the classroom into an uncomfortable place to be, and
everybody, probably including those in her group, wanted it
to end as quickly as possible.
But if you really wanted to, you could write off each
mean little thing she did as a coincidence. That's what made
it so hard to tell her to stop. We were starting to assume her
actions were inevitable, and they were suffocating the class.
* * *
"Hey, Tomozaki."
Izumi started up a conversation one day after school.
"Uh, what's up?"
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I turned toward her. She was peering at me intensely.
"…Izumi?" I asked. She seemed to be having a hard time
saying what she wanted to say.
"It's about Erika…"
"Oh…"
She probably meant the situation with Konno and
Hirabayashi-san.
"She's doing all that stuff on purpose, isn't she?"
"Yeah, I think so…"
Konno was pretending these were all accidents with no
deeper meaning, but it was actually harassment. Anyone
watching could see what she wanted to do.
Izumi lowered her eyes and bit her lip before looking up
at me again.
"I think…"
"…What?"
She scratched her pointer finger with her fingernail.
"I really shouldn't be saying this, but…"
"Yeah?"
She gave me a determined look. "I think it's because of
me." She bit her lip again.
"…Uh…"
I couldn't contradict her. Hirabayashi-san had been a
kind of target for Erika Konno in the past, too. But why had
it escalated lately? I could think of only one answer. In other
words…
"…You think it's because you're dating Nakamura?"
Izumi nodded.
"I mean, look at the timing. Erika was upset that we got
together, but she couldn't take it out on me or Shuji because
that would be too obvious. It makes perfect sense."
"Could be."
There was no way to prove it. But when we had the
strategy meeting for the barbecue trip at my house, someone
had mentioned that Erika Konno was annoyed that Izumi
and Nakamura were getting along so well. It would be a
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reason for her to be harassing Hirabayashi-san. And if we
were right, well, she sure was selfish. It kinda pissed me off.
"But if that's the case, I probably shouldn't say anything
to Erika, right?"
As soon as she said it, I realized she was right. I nodded.
"Yeah…"
She looked down, dejected.
"…It could be risky," I added.
If she accidentally poked at Konno's wound, the
situation could get worse. I didn't say that out loud, but
Izumi knew it. My guess was that she'd been seriously
considering what she could do to help Hirabayashi-san. But
she'd realized she was the one person who absolutely
shouldn't take the simplest route, which would be to say
something directly to Konno.
We weren't certain Izumi was the reason behind Erika
Konno's harassment. But as long as we couldn't fully rule out
the possibility, it would be as good as impossible for her to
do anything.
"Yeah… Well, thanks."
"No problem," I said gloomily.
"…Also, remember when we were talking about why
she's picking on Hirabayashi-san in particular?" Izumi
continued quietly.
"Yeah."
"I've been watching the situation this past week, and I
think I know the answer."
Her face clouded over. I had an idea what she was going
to say. Actually, I think the whole class was starting to guess
what the issue was. So I put it into words.
"It's because Hirabayashi-san would never say anything
back, isn't it?"
She nodded.
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"Yeah… I think she's just an easy target."
"…That's what I thought."
Hirabayashi-san didn't fight back. Erika Konno knew
that, and that's why she chose her to pick on. It was
incredibly obvious what she was doing, but there were limits
to how open she could be about it. That made it all the more
obvious that Erika Konno was guilty. It was also a reminder
of how random and unfair this game of life could be.
Izumi looked at the clock and slung her bag over her
shoulder.
"Um…I've gotta get going."
"Okay… See you later."
"See you later!" she said, clearly making an effort to
sound cheerful, and headed off to team practice.
* * *
After Izumi left, I headed to Sewing Room #2 for my afterschool meeting with Hinami. I brought up what we'd been
talking about in class, and Hinami agreed.
"I think so, too. It started right after those two started
dating, didn't it?"
"That must be it."
Hinami nodded.
"She's upset with the two of them, but attacking Yuzu
would make her look really bad. The most logical conclusion
is that she's taking it out on Hirabayashi-san… She would do
that," Hinami said, not hiding her own irritation.
"Huh…"
"Well, we have no proof…but I can say one thing. Yuzu
shouldn't say anything to Konno about it."
I was surprised to hear her say the exact same thing we'd
been talking about, like she could read our minds.
"…So you think so, too, huh?"
"Uh-huh. Yuzu probably wants to do something right
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about now, doesn't she?" she said with concern.
"Yeah… How did you guess?"
"I've just been paying attention to her," Hinami said
flatly. "But it would be dangerous for her to do anything."
"Yeah…I agree."
Ugh, this was such a headache. Hinami thought silently
for a minute, then went on.
"Honestly…as long as Konno doesn't do anything
dramatic, there's not much the rest of us can do."
"Because she'll say it's all just coincidence?"
Hinami nodded.
"Right now, it's too minor. The biggest thing she's done
so far is probably knocking her pencil case off her desk,
right? If she was constantly doing things on that level, it
would be one thing, but pointing to all these little incidents
and making a big fuss about harassment wouldn't lead to
any real solution. She could just play innocent, and then
we'd be stuck. With that approach, she might stop
temporarily, but Hirabayashi-san's position in the class
would worsen over the long term."
"You're probably right."
I nodded. She seemed correct anyway. We couldn't just
think about a short-term solution to the harassment—we
had to think about how this would affect Hirabayashi-san in
the future.
"…But what do we do?" I asked.
"Right now there's not much we can do. Unless she
starts something on a bigger scale, our best option is
probably to just keep an eye on the situation so it doesn't get
any worse."
"…Hmm," I said weakly. I thought back to the idea that
had crossed my mind during my conversation with Izumi.
This was completely unfair. Which meant…
"Is life really such a great game?" I couldn't help asking
Hinami.
"…What do you mean?"
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She gave me a penetrating look, and I thought I glimpsed
a hint of sadness in her eyes. But maybe she was only sad
because I was asking that question.
"I mean, this is basically just bad RNG. This came out of
nowhere—it's weird, isn't it? What's so great about that kind
of game?"
It was tough to talk about a game I'd come to like in
these terms, but I figured I'd better tell Hinami what was on
my mind. I was having fun now, and I liked all the cool new
scenes I was seeing. But if someone could get hit with
something like this for no good reason, wasn't that evidence
that the game still had bugs?
Hinami shook her head slowly.
"It didn't come out of nowhere."
"…What are you talking about?"
I waited defensively for her to explain. She ticked off the
points on her fingers as she spoke, like a teacher talking to a
student.
"Erika Konno liked Nakamura, and so did Yuzu.
Nakamura got into a fight with his mom. And Yuzu was the
one who saved him from that fight."
She smoothly summarized the recent events.
"Because Yuzu saved him, Nakamura was able to
participate in the sports tournament. And because of your
assignment, Erika Konno and her followers were invested,
too. Thanks to those two factors, both the guys and the girls
won the tournament. And because of the victory, Yuzu and
Nakamura started dating… Plus, Hirabayashi-san is just a
timid person."
Hinami paused for a moment, evidently having finished
her list.
"Individually, none of those factors seem important. But
when you line them all up, they fall just like dominoes until
they reach the last and biggest domino: Erika Konno's
harassment. That's not just RNG. Each piece of the story
leads to the next, and altogether, they make an outstanding
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explanation. There's nothing especially random about it. In a
sense, it's inevitable."
Her argument wasn't unconvincing. Now that she
mentioned it, the harassment was less a momentary whim of
Erika Konno's and more the result of several things pointing
in the same direction. In that sense, I couldn't say it was
random. Maybe it was too soon to trash this game for being
unfair.
But something about Hinami's phrasing rubbed me the
wrong way.
"Inevitable, really? …Don't you feel bad for Hirabayashisan? Are you saying we should just leave her?"
Hinami nodded without batting an eye. "Yes, that's what
I'm saying."
"Hinami…"
Her expression didn't change.
"Plus…for now, I don't think there's any need to rescue
her."
"Huh?" I said before I could stop myself. Why would she
say something that?
"I mean, this level of harassment isn't like bullying. The
victim can resolve it herself, right? Hirabayashi-san just
doesn't have the will to do it. So there's a reason for that,
too."
She delivered her explanation like it was the most
obvious thing in the world.
"Okay, Hinami—" Naturally, I was getting mad. "Now
you're going too far."
Hinami stared at me, expressionless, then quietly
replied, "Sorry if I offended you. But as far as I can see,
Hirabayashi-san has no interest in fixing the situation
herself. If she took some initiative, she could absolutely
resolve it. Hirabayashi-san herself is one of the factors
motivating Konno."
"She's not—It's…"
Unable to continue, I sat silently for a moment. Izumi
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and I had talked about the same thing. Like Hinami said, she
was being targeted because she didn't fight back. But that
didn't mean Hirabayashi-san was doing anything she
shouldn't.
"…But Konno's using that to make a target out of her.
That's just wrong."
Hinami shook her head.
"I agree that what Erika Konno is doing is pretty low.
She's in the wrong here, no question. But didn't you say
yourself that gamers grab the controller and forge a path
forward? The same goes in life, right?"
"Yes, but…"
"Listen. I agree with you. Not everyone has to be a
gamer, sure, but I think our way is the right way. It's how I
want to live, at least. And I think it's how you do, too."
"…I guess so," I answered noncommittally, but I nodded.
We felt differently about whether to take a player's or a
character's perspective, but we shared a belief that one
should hold the controller in this fight. When a wall of rules
stood in our way, we used critical thinking and
experimentation to get results through our own efforts. We
never let go of the controller. That was the essential stance
of a gamer.
"Right now, Hirabayashi-san isn't picking up the
controller. Right?"
"Maybe not…but still…"
No, she probably wasn't trying to be a gamer. She wasn't
taking any action or trying any trial and error to change her
reality. She appeared to simply accept her daily harassment
as inevitable.
"But she's still the victim here," I said.
Hinami nodded.
"Of course. That's why we're even discussing whether or
not we should help her. If I see a gamer who's giving their all
to advance but failing to resolve a problem, I want to jump
in and help. But if she isn't trying to help herself, then
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there's no need for someone else to reach out a hand. Of
course, if the situation deteriorates, I'm planning to step in.
All I'm saying is that right now, we're not at the point where
I'm definitely going to get involved."
Her words struck me as colder than usual, but maybe
they only sounded so cold because I thought the situation
deserved more. Yes, this was more serious than usual, but
the core of her message hadn't changed in the least.
"I understand what you're trying to say." As always,
there was nothing seriously wrong with her argument.
"There's nothing compelling you to help her," I went on.
"Right. Just because I can help her doesn't mean I have
to."
"…I see."
In that case, it wouldn't work to try to force Hinami to do
something. If I wanted to change the current situation, I'd
have to do it myself.
As I sat there looking down and thinking about what I
could do, Hinami shot me an exasperated look.
"Let me guess… You're planning to do something, aren't
you?"
"Umm…well, if there's anything I can do, then yeah."
Hinami sighed at my honest answer.
"Not long ago I was thinking about how Mizusawa was
rubbing off on you, and now it seems like Yuzu's getting to
you, too…"
She pressed her temples with frustration.
"No…I'm not trying to be like her."
Even as I said it, though, I realized something. I wasn't
especially close with Hirabayashi-san, and heroism wasn't
part of my nature. Far from it—I'd never even considered
trying to stop the bullying I saw in class before. Now here I
was, wanting to do everything I could to help. I didn't know
what had caused this internal change, but I suspected
Izumi's habit of trying to help other people had played a big
role.
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Hinami looked at me gravely.
"Well, either way, if you're going to step in, really think it
through so you don't make everything worse. You can take a
break from assignments for a while. Focus on that instead."
"U-understood."
"Let's just say that that's your assignment: Don't make
things worse. The point is, you need to carefully consider
how to act before you do anything."
"…Okay."
"For now, I think you'll be best off just observing the
situation."
"Observing, huh?"
It didn't sit well with me, but I couldn't think of any
practical strategies just yet, so even if I wanted to act now,
her suggestion was my only option.
With that, our meeting came to an end.
* * *
The next morning, Hinami and I didn't talk much at our
meeting, so we ended earlier than usual. When I got to our
classroom, Izumi and Hirabayashi-san were having a chat.
Given everything else that had been going on, this probably
meant something. Was Izumi working on some kind of plan?
I was curious, so I deliberately took a path to my seat
that brought me within eavesdropping distance.
"So you found your desk there this morning?"
"Yeah… I think they did it after school. I mean, I can just
put it back…"
"Yes, but…"
They must be talking about Erika Konno's harassment—
about the things only Hirabayashi-san herself knew.
I had a guess as to what Izumi was trying to do.
She couldn't negotiate with Erika Konno directly, and
there wasn't enough evidence to get an adult involved. Still,
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she was getting all the information she could from
Hirabayashi-san to figure out how she might be able to help.
Izumi's kindness was quiet but strong.
"Okay…so they do that stuff if you go home early."
"…Yes, I think so."
Izumi kept glancing at the clock as she talked to
Hirabayashi-san with a serious look on her face. Erika
Konno hadn't gotten to class yet. A few minutes later, she
checked the clock one more time, then waved at
Hirabayashi-san with a smile and walked up to the front of
the class where Erika Konno's group was hanging out. A
minute or two after that, the queen herself made her
entrance and headed for the windows by the front of the
class, taking an intentional detour to kick Hirabayashi-san's
desk on her way. Then she started talking with her clique.
I spent the rest of the day furtively observing the
situation, and I noticed something. During breaks, when
Erika Konno went to the bathroom or when Izumi got back
to our main classroom before Konno, and after school, when
Izumi was getting ready for practice and Konno left before
her—in other words, every spare moment that Erika Konno
wasn't around—Izumi would go over to Hirabayashi-san and
talk to her for a minute or two. She did it again and again
from morning until the end of the school day.
She seemed to be working steadily to help solve the
problem, even if she couldn't do much, and even if she was
on her own.
If she could do that, then what should I do?
* * *
It was break time after first period the next day. As soon as
class ended, I turned to Izumi.
"Um, Izumi…"
The day before, after watching her working so hard to
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help, I'd gone back home and spent a long time thinking in
my room. Eventually, I'd hit on something that seemed
doable for me.
"What?" She looked at me blankly.
"Uh…" I searched for the words that would let me do
what I'd decided on. "Is Hirabayashi-san okay?"
She blinked at me in surprise. "What do you mean,
'okay'?"
"It's just…you were talking to her a lot yesterday."
"Oh, that's what you meant!"
"I was worried about her, so if there's any way I can help,
I'd like to."
If I couldn't help Hirabayashi-san directly, I at least
wanted to help Izumi. And if I still couldn't do anything
there, I at least wanted to talk to Izumi and let her know I
was behind her. After all, I was her Atafami mentor. When
an apprentice is in trouble, the mentor's gotta come to the
rescue, right? I mean, we want to help.
Izumi looked at me gloomily.
"Well, actually…"
"What's up?"
She lowered her voice. "I think Erika's doing more to her
in secret."
"…Really?" I was surprised to hear such bad news. "Like
what?"
Izumi looked down at the mechanical pencil in her hand.
"Well, according to Hirabayashi-san…most of her pencil
leads have been broken, and her pens won't write even
though they have ink in them—things like that."
"Th-that's…"
Erika Konno had to be responsible. Her strategy was
relentless. She could say the pencil leads broke when the
pencil case fell the other day, and for the pens, she could
write them off as bad luck. That would be the end of the
discussion. She was probably keeping the harassment at a
low level on purpose. What set these latest acts apart was
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that they caused physical damage.
"If her stuff's getting broken, that's pretty bad."
"…Yeah."
She would have to buy replacements, which meant this
was literally costing her money.
"But there's still no evidence, right?"
Izumi gave a frustrated nod.
"Also, I don't think the guys know about this…but for
some reason, a new LINE group was created for the girls in
our class…"
"Really?"
I didn't even know those existed. Was there a group for
the entire class? If so, I wasn't part of it.
"Yeah, and Hirabayashi-san is the only one who isn't in
it." Izumi frowned.
"Who made that group?"
"Yumi, but I think Erika told her to do it. She's part of
our group."
"Huh…"
Yeah, she was sly, all right. None of the incidents seemed
like a big deal on their own, but this constant stream could
definitely become a heavy weight. Hopefully, Izumi's
soothing, ordinary little chats were bolstering Hirabayashisan's spirits a little.
"At the very least, we've gotta do something about the
damage to her stuff…"
"Yeah…"
I glanced up and noticed that the harassment seemed to
be going on even at this very moment. Hirabayashi-san was
in the bathroom or something, and while she was gone,
Konno and her groupies had set up camp around her desk
instead of by the window as usual. Granted, one of the group
did sit near Hirabayashi-san, so if anyone confronted them,
they could just argue back that they were at their friend's
desk.
As I watched them, Hirabayashi-san walked into the
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classroom from the hallway. Obviously, though, she couldn't
sit at her desk. She also couldn't protest the fact that they'd
occupied her space.
She stood by the door for a few minutes, took a breath,
let it out, and went back into the hallway.
"…"
I couldn't take it anymore. I started to think about how I
could shift the mood right now. Maybe if I yelled at Erika
Konno like I did before in the old principal's office, then
something would change. Or maybe I could manipulate the
group using the skills I had learned, since I'd been observing
and thinking about it lately.
Just as I was going through each of my assets and
reflecting on what I should do, someone else beat me to it.
"Hey, Konno!"
A voice rang out, pure and clear, through the classroom.
Everyone turned to look at the person who had yelled,
and Konno especially was furious. I turned in the same
direction and blinked in shock. The person standing there
was…
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* * *
…Tama-chan.
Tama-chan might have been tiny, but her gaze did not
waver.
"Haven't you taken this far enough? Just cut it out! This
is stupid!"
She pointed accusingly at Konno as she called her out.
Everyone had noticed what was going on, but no one had
said anything, either because they thought nothing would
change or because they were scared. But not Tama-chan.
She struck the problem at its source, right there in front of
everyone, with her unvarnished, decisive, direct words.
I couldn't take my eyes off her.
As for Konno—if looks could kill, Tama-chan would be
dead.
"What are you talking about?"
She was still playing innocent. But Tama-chan didn't
bend.
"Oh, come on! You lost Nakamura, and now you're
taking it out on someone else! It's ridiculous!"
Tama-chan was unearthing the core of the problem
hidden by Konno's malice, and the atmosphere in the
classroom froze.
"Hmph…" Konno looked Tama-chan up and down
appraisingly. "Gotcha."
She hopped down from Hirabayashi-san's desk and
started making her way to Tama-chan. Her eyes were full of
blatant spite, hostility, and vengefulness. Still, she took her
time, reminding the rest of us that she didn't really care.
She walked right up to Tama-chan, stared her in the eye
for a minute, and then smiled triumphantly and a little
mockingly. She placed her hand on Tama-chan's shoulder.
"You're shaking, Hanabi."
"Shut up!"
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Tama-chan sounded rattled. She shook Konno's hand off
roughly, and then Konno pressed her wrist and moaned
dramatically, staring down at Tama-chan.
"Owww!" I could see the fury deep in her eyes.
"H-hey, I barely touched you…"
For the first time, Tama-chan let her anxiety show.
Konno snorted.
"You hit first," she said. Then she walked over to her
usual spot by the window, her crew trailing behind her. An
uneasy murmur rippled through the class.
That was when I realized something.
The line of dominoes hadn't finished falling yet.
At this very moment, another one was about to hit the
ground.
And when it did, this was going to get even worse than
before.
* * *
A loud clatter echoed from the front of the classroom.
"Oh, I'm sooo sorry!"
The mocking, overly innocent voice belonged to Konno.
She didn't bother to look at the fallen pencil case as she
joined her clique. An uncomfortable tension washed over the
class, and it felt like the original malicious act was being
repeated all over again. But one thing was very different this
time.
I bit my lip as I turned in the direction of the clatter. I
think that in some corner of my mind, I had been expecting
and fearing this.
The pencil case didn't belong to Hirabayashi-san. It
belonged to Tama-chan.
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The quiet conversations in the class got a little louder as
that dull discomfort hit us. Erika Konno's intentions were all
too clear. This was a cruel act, a small one that foretold a
hundred more to come.
The target of her malice had just shifted.
This new reality seemed to sting my skin as I walked
toward Tama-chan's desk to help her pick up the scattered
pencils and erasers. When I glanced around, I saw that
Hinami and Mimimi were about to do the same. Just then, it
happened again.
"Konno!"
The same clear, powerful voice called her out for a
second time.
I felt like time stood still as my eyes drifted toward her.
Hinami, Mimimi, and I all stopped in our tracks. Tama-chan
was glaring at Konno's back and howling.
"You did that on purpose!"
There was nothing roundabout or evasive about her
words. She went straight to the heart of the matter.
"What? What makes you so sure? Stop assuming things!"
"I'm not assuming!"
"I mean, I did apologize. It's just a pencil case; chill out."
"So what if you apologized? That's not the point!"
"What, then? You gonna hit me again?"
"No, I…! I didn't hit you!"
Ignoring this last protest, Konno went back to chatting
with her clique. Tama-chan stared at her for a while, but she
eventually gave up and looked away. As she squatted down
and began picking up her pencils, I started walking toward
her again.
Mimimi jogged over and got there first, followed by me
and Hinami, and the four of us gathered up the pencils.
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Mimimi gave Tama-chan a serious look. "You didn't do
anything wrong," she said with warm encouragement.
"…Yeah." Tama-chan smiled.
"Um…are you okay?"
"…Yeah, I'm fine."
I never knew what to say in situations like this, so I
ended up asking a vague question. But Tama-chan gave me a
little smile, too.
"Hanabi can handle it," Hinami added.
"Aoi…thank you."
"I…I'll do something."
"…Aoi?"
Seeming to have made her mind up about something,
Hinami nodded at Tama-chan.
* * *
The situation changed noticeably after that.
Every time Konno walked somewhere, she kicked Tamachan's desk instead of Hirabayashi-san's. Tama-chan's
mechanical pencil leads and ballpoint pens were broken one
after the next. I started to hear Konno's group trash-talking
her on a regular basis.
As usual, Erika Konno's foul mood was the single cause
of this cruel behavior. Every day, at least once or twice, she
or her clique did something to Tama-chan. But there was
one big difference compared with when they'd been
harassing Hirabayashi-san.
"Konno! You kicked my desk again!"
Every time they did something to her, Tama-chan loudly
pointed it out. She stubbornly resisted and refused to break.
Whereas Hirabayashi-san had quietly let everything go,
Tama-chan didn't overlook a single offense. She called out
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Konno every time. Her strong reactions were almost
extreme, but that strength felt unstable to me, as if it could
collapse at any moment.
Erika Konno never took the bait.
"What are you talking about? It was an accident. Stop
accusing me when I didn't do anything to you."
"An accident, huh? You did the exact same thing
yesterday!"
"Did you forget you attacked me the other day?"
"No…that was…an accident…"
"What? No, this was an accident. You hit me on
purpose."
After that hateful accusation, she just ignored Tamachan's protests of innocence and walked over to her clique.
"Hey, I'm still talking…"
"Now, now, Hanabi, calm down."
"Yeah, Tama! Relax."
When Tama-chan refused to back down, Hinami and
Mimimi intervened to stop her.
"…But…"
She bit her lip in frustration and glared at the class
queen. But Konno didn't even glance in her direction; she
just kept chatting with her group and having a great time.
I watched it happen over and over during the past few
days.
Another time, all of Tama-chan's spare pencil leads were
broken. When she discovered them, she walked deliberately
over to Konno.
"Konno! Keep your hands off my stuff!"
"…What? Ugh, what are you talking about?" she
answered, looking bored.
"Stop playing innocent!"
"Would you stop getting so close to me? I don't want to
get hurt. You shouldn't hit people, y'know?"
"…Ugh! You are so infuriating!"
Tama-chan kept fighting, refusing to back down in the
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least, but Erika Konno hardly listened. She just kept on
accusing Tama-chan of "violence," as if she were in the right.
"Come on, Tama! It's lunchtime!"
"If we don't hurry someone will take the window seats!
C'mon, Hanabi!"
Once again, Hinami and Mimimi tried to defuse the
situation.
And so on and so forth for the next few days.
Little by little, something seemed to be falling away.
I'm sure that before all this started, Tama-chan was
already the type of person who followed through on her
decisions with no thought for the mood. That's what
attracted Hinami and Mimimi to her and made them want to
protect her. She had her own unique strength, an important
core at the very center of her heart.
But that's exactly what made her vulnerable.
There was the time she'd almost gotten into a fight with
Nakamura in home-ec class. And Hinami told me she
actually had gotten into a fight with him in the past, and I
doubt that was the only time something like that happened.
Tama-chan had said herself that she had a hard time fitting
in with the group, and that's why she was so grateful to
Mimimi. That core was her strength, but it was also a
double-edged sword.
With each little aggression from Erika Konno, and each
act of resistance from Tama-chan, it was happening more
and more…
"Hanabi-chan really seems to be having a rough time…"
"Yeah…first Hirabayashi-san, then Hanabi-chan. She'll
go after anybody."
"Exactly. You can't get away from it as long as Konno-
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san's around."
"Man, I wish we could hurry up and change classes."
"Natsubayashi's amazing, huh? I bet Konno never
guessed she'd get that much blowback. I could never do it
myself."
"Seriously. You'd never guess from her looks, but she has
guts."
"Agreed. Now it's basically a fight, huh?"
"Uh-huh. And I hope Natsubayashi wins."
"Like, okay… Yeah, Konno-san's awful, but I've gotta say,
Natsubayashi-san is kiiiinda overreacting. Not that she's
done anything wrong, of course!"
"Yeah, I think so, too. If she could just be a little more
careful, I'd totally take her side…"
"…I wish she would think about all of us who have to
watch their little drama every day."
"Yeah, exactly!"
"There she goes again."
"Uh-huh. God, can't she just stop? She's blowing this
way out of proportion."
"It's not like Konno's gonna change or anything."
"Yeah, she's just gonna make it worse."
"How many times has this already happened today?
Seriously."
"Don't ask me. Why does Natsubayashi have to get so
mad?"
"I know Konno's being a bitch, but doesn't she know all
this arguing just ruins class for the rest of us?"
"Don't you think she's kind of asking for it?"
"She never pays attention to how other people feel."
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"Okay, she is taking this way too far."
The mood in class was getting worse and worse.
Another week passed.
* * *
We were in the classroom before the teacher arrived.
"Isn't it cute? I bought it the other day. Do you want one,
too?"
Mimimi was talking to Tama-chan. In one sense, this
was completely normal. They weren't talking about anything
important.
"Are you kidding? It's not cute at all. I bet Tomozaki's
gonna say it's ugly again."
"Aww, that's mean! Just look at it for a while; it'll grow
on you."
"I don't believe you!"
"I'm serious!"
The only difference was the volume of their voices. Up
till now, they'd been yakking away and messing around so
loudly that they'd affected the mood of the whole class. Now
they were talking so quietly that no one else could hear
them. It was like they were afraid their voices would stray
beyond the territory allotted to Tama-chan. You could
hardly believe that not long ago, Mimimi would have been
making loud jokes while Tama-chan shouted for her to cut it
out.
There was a simple explanation for this change.
The mood of the class no longer allowed Tama-chan to
speak in a loud voice.
Not Tama-chan herself, and not any group conversation
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that included her. In fact, any loud voices in class were
undesirable.
The mood had deteriorated to a point where you could
feel that rule.
Every minute or two, someone would shoot a curious,
slightly hostile glance toward an imaginary circle around
Mimimi and Tama-chan. No one was going to directly
exclude her, but there was a general sense that people were
annoyed, and they avoided walking near her. On the other
hand, it didn't reach a more severe level of bullying, where
their actions would extend to other members of her group.
Hinami had just barely managed to stop the mood of the
class from becoming explosive.
"Erika is really going too far lately, isn't she…?"
Hinami's group had gathered during break, and she was
manipulating the mood. Since it was one of the top groups in
the class hierarchy, midlevel girls would gather around
hoping to one day become a member. At the moment, she
was busy telling them how awful Konno's behavior was.
"Hanabi is trying hard to act strong, but underneath,
she's really hurt…"
She was using every weapon she had to appeal to their
emotions and gain their empathy. She even drew on their
negative feelings toward Erika Konno. These easily
influenced, midlevel girls didn't have strong opinions of
their own, so she was doing everything she could to win
them over. She was careful not to repeat herself too much
during the breaks so she wasn't pushy, but she made sure
that what she did say had force.
And so by using her own popularity, she managed to
keep the class mood under control.
Mimimi was in charge of caring for Tama-chan while
Hinami cooled down the general atmosphere. Between the
two of them, they managed to hold off anything irreversible.
* * *
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That day, my morning meeting with Hinami began with a
long silence on her part.
"Tama-chan… She's in real trouble, isn't she?"
"Yeah…"
Hinami chewed her lip anxiously, her eyes restless. I
didn't hear her usual strength in her voice. In fact, she
sounded almost scared. To me, she was behaving like an
ordinary girl without much confidence, which was about as
much weakness as you could glean from the flawless gamer
Aoi Hinami.
"…What's wrong?"
Her only reply was a quiet "mm" before she fell silent
again.
So I talked instead.
"If this keeps up…she'll get more and more isolated,
won't she? Right now it's not so bad because you and
Mimimi are protecting her, but…"
The situation was worse than I'd thought. Every time
Erika Konno and Tama-chan argued, Hinami and Mimimi
skillfully intervened to stop them. Mimimi stayed by Tamachan's side as much as possible to support her emotionally,
so Tama-chan wasn't upset all the time. I saw her smiling
several times per day. Meanwhile, Hinami was engaging in
daily battle with the mood, using every means possible to
keep things calm and save what she could of Tama-chan's
image.
Now that she was out in full force, the power of Aoi
Hinami was truly stunning. The control she had over the
mood would have been unimaginable for most people. But
nevertheless—nothing was improving.
Because Tama-chan refused to stop resisting and
arguing with Konno over and over, the class's resentment
was building up daily. At some point, those bad feelings
would start to take root deep down, like stains on a teacup
that couldn't be washed away.
On top of that, each argument was affecting people more
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and more just because it was happening again and again and
again. Their frustration was gradually ballooning.
All the same, Hinami kept fighting to soften, blur, or
completely cover up the negativity left behind by every
argument. It was truly a feat that only Aoi Hinami was
capable of. And she was up against Tama-chan.
If Hinami hadn't been there, her position in class
probably would have already fallen beyond recovery. She
might not have even been able to have those normal, quiet
conversations with Mimimi anymore.
"Yeah…this can't keep happening. I've gotta do
something…"
"Do something…?"
Something about that made me uneasy. Specifically, the
fact that Hinami was choosing to handle the problem this
way.
"Um…Hinami?"
"…What?"
I mean, that wasn't usually how she acted. I didn't think
her approach was wrong or that it shouldn't be done. On the
contrary, I thought it was a legitimate possibility.
But it simply felt off. It wasn't a Hinami-like approach.
I chose my words carefully so she wouldn't
misunderstand me.
"Um, right now, I think our priority is to help Tamachan… That's more important than anything else."
"…So…what?"
Hinami looked me in the eye with her own,
indecipherable gaze. I couldn't make out the emotion in her
eyes, but whatever it was, it was dark. I tried to put the
inconsistency I'd noticed into words.
"Well, if we want to do that, we could, like, ask her to
stop going after Erika Konno, or—"
"No. We can't."
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Her eyes felt like they'd pull me in body and soul, and
her voice was full of powerful determination as she flatly
rejected my suggestion.
"…Why not?" I asked, frightened by her appearance in a
different way than usual. Although her expression was
uncharacteristically neutral, her eyes were sharp as knives.
"Hanabi isn't in the wrong. I told you before, didn't I?
She just speaks her mind. Her heart and her words are
completely unvarnished. That's why we can't."
Hinami's words were clumsier than usual and not
entirely convincing in their logic. I'd never seen her like this
before, and I wasn't sure if I should keep pushing the
subject. At any rate, she seemed so unstable right now that I
thought I'd better not contradict anything she said.
"But…why not?" I mumbled.
When she answered, she sounded like she wasn't talking
to me. "Hanabi is in the right. What's wrong is the situation
around her. She doesn't need to change."
"You mean…"
I realized something. Her argument itself made sense. If
there was a right side and a wrong side, then the wrong side
should change. That was a legitimate opinion. After all,
that's my own basic approach to life.
Nevertheless, it felt strange coming from her. This was
the polar opposite of everything Hinami had ever said up till
now.
"If Hanabi doesn't manage to solve the problem without
changing who she is…then it's meaningless."
Still, for some reason, she sounded very insistent on this
point.
"Hinami…"
This wasn't how she usually handled things.
It doesn't matter how confident you are that you're right;
if you can't get the rest of the world to agree, then being
right is pointless. That's why you have to get people to accept
what you believe, even if it means climbing into your
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opponent's ring and wearing a mask in the process.
In other words, if the situation is wrong, you adapt
yourself to it anyway, and you fight.
That was her creed. It was what had gotten her through
life so far. In which case, it made sense for Tama-chan to
change and resolve the current problem.
Normally, Hinami would reach that conclusion. So why
was she saying the opposite thing now?
Tama-chan didn't need to change because the situation
was wrong, she'd said. And that wasn't all. When we weren't
sure whether to help Nakamura or Hirabayashi-san, she'd
even declared there was no need to help because they didn't
follow her own approach to life. The gap between her
attitude then and now was inconsistent, even contradictory.
"It's fine. I'll change everyone's minds."
Hinami wasn't looking at me. Yes, the will and
determination on her face were undeniably powerful. But it
wasn't like Izumi's supple strength. I felt like her
determination was a little bit twisted, as if it was glued in
place and wouldn't bend an inch.
* * *
One day, Mimimi skipped track practice.
That same day, Tama-chan and the volleyball team had
no practice because of something that happened with the
courts in the gym. Mimimi didn't want her to have to go
home alone, so she decided to go with her and invited me to
come with them.
And that's how the three of us ended up walking to the
station together.
The two girls were being their usual selves.
"Hey, Tama! You've got some crumbs on you! Looks like
some of that pie you ate earlier!"
"Oh, really?"
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"Wait a sec… Okay, got it. Yum!"
"Ugh! Why'd you eat that?!"
They seemed as close as ever and as crazy as ever, and
since they weren't in school, they were talking in their usual
loud voices. It made me realize how much they'd been
holding back in class.
"Mimimi, you're leaving Tama-chan behind."
"What?! Am I, Tama?! No way, right?"
"You totally are! I can't keep up with you!"
"Shot down!"
"…Ha-ha-ha. You walk too fast, especially lately."
"Not you, too, Tomozaki!"
I tried hard to play along and act normal, using all my
skills to make sure that short window was fun, at least.
"See you later, Tama!"
"Yeah, see you tomorrow."
"Bye!"
When we got to the station, Mimimi and I said good-bye
to Tama-chan, who was going in the opposite direction. She
waved at us and smiled as she got onto her train, while
Mimimi waved dramatically with her whole arm. Tama-chan
smiled awkwardly back.
The door closed, and the train pulled away from the
platform.
Mimimi kept waving with all her might until the train
finally disappeared. She slowly lowered her arm, and the
cheerful smile she'd been wearing fell away. I heard her sigh
softly. She stood on the quiet platform, a lonely smile
playing on her lips.
"…How did this happen?"
Her question was vague, but it seemed to contain all her
emotions. I gazed out at the farm fields not far from the
station.
"Bad luck and bad timing?"
"Luck and timing, huh?" Mimimi murmured listlessly.
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I really thought that's what it was. Hinami had said the
same thing. All the individual events had all lined up in the
worst possible pattern and then slowly fallen, one after the
next.
And now they had reached the final, giant domino that
was about to slowly crush something very important.
If the main offender was Erika Konno, why had it all
started in the first place? Why had it grown so out of
proportion? The only answer I could think of was that a
chain of small events had just…escalated.
"Yeah…I don't think it could have been prevented," I
said, frustrated.
Mimimi kept scowling at the ground.
"Tama-chan hasn't done anything wrong, but everyone's
treating her like a criminal. I hate watching this happen!!"
She clenched her fist and smashed it into her thigh. She
was trembling, like all the frustration she felt had made its
way into her arm.
"…I know."
Tama-chan really hadn't done anything wrong. Her only
mistake was calling out Konno. That, and the fierce way she
brushed off the embers of hostility falling all over her. Still,
her reputation was slowly worsening. The question of who
was right and who was wrong had disappeared before
anyone had even noticed, and now she was being treated like
the criminal. Simply put, this was wrong.
Mimimi's arm flinched. When I looked up at her face,
she opened and closed her mouth a few times before she
finally spoke.
"Um, Tomozaki…"
"…What?"
She turned toward me and looked me in the eye, full of
anxiety. Her lips were trembling slightly.
"Am I…doing a good job?"
"…Yeah."
"Am I keeping her going?" Uncertainty tinted her eyes.
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"When I'm with Tama, do I sound as happy as before?"
Her eyes were moist, clinging to me for reassurance.
"Do I still sound like I'm having fun when I laugh…?"
She asked me so earnestly; she wasn't even trying to hide
her anxiety over whether she had been playing her part well
in front of Tama-chan. These were her real feelings. And so I
listened with equal earnestness and answered as seriously as
I knew how.
"Yes…I think you've been doing great."
"Really? I didn't seem like I was trying too hard?"
"…Not at all."
"Okay…"
She sighed quietly, then suddenly looked up straight
ahead, like she'd come to a decision.
"Tama-chan helped me when I was having a rough
time…and I love her for it. I want to help her now, even if I
can't do much."
"…Yeah, I can see that."
"But I'm not as good at this stuff as Aoi is, and I'm not as
smart as you… All I can do is stand by her until she stops
fighting with Erika."
"I don't think—"
Mimimi took a deep breath, like she was gathering all
her energy.
"It's okay! I don't mind."
She still looked anxious, but now she was smiling
slightly.
"It may not be much, but…if I can help her a little, then
that's what I want to do," she said.
"…Huh."
"…Do you think I'm managing to distract her at least a
bit?" Mimimi asked in an artificially cheerful voice. She
clasped her hands behind her back, leaned forward, and
peered up at me. I nodded as confidently as I could.
"Yeah. I definitely think you're helping her."
She stood up straight, pressed her lips together, and
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nodded slightly.
"Really? Okay, then… Okay."
She turned away from me and moved her hand up by her
face—it looked like she was rubbing her eyes. Eventually, she
put her hand down and spun back. Then she coughed, as if
to clear the air. I felt like a little bit of her usual positive,
forward-facing sparkle was back.
"Yeah…I have to stand by her!"
Still, I noticed her fists were shaking slightly.
* * *
The next day, as usual, Konno was harassing Tama-chan,
and Tama-chan was digging in her heels.
"You messed with my pencil case again, didn't you?!"
"Come on, are you accusing me again ?"
The rest of the class watched with annoyance. It was
mild irritation, but Tama-chan was still the target. As usual,
Hinami and Mimimi held Tama-chan back. I'd watched the
scene a hundred times, but it still hurt just as much as
before.
This time, I wasn't just watching.
I was observing and analyzing in order to find some way
to help. After all, Tama-chan was in big trouble. I didn't
want things to be this way. If I told myself I was too weak to
deal with this and just looked the other way, nothing would
improve. Hinami had said I was good at analyzing the
situations I was handed. And I was nanashi, an even better
Atafami player than she was. I should be able to do
something that she couldn't. Or so I told myself for
encouragement as I started to think about how this might
finally end.
If I had to guess, the ending Mimimi wanted was one
where Erika Konno burned herself out. By constantly
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standing by Tama-chan's side and taking care of her,
Mimimi was buying time to prevent her from getting hurt
too badly and letting Konno win. Meanwhile, she would wait
for Konno to lose steam in her harassment campaign. If it
stopped, that would be a good ending.
Or maybe she was hoping Tama-chan would stop
rebelling. If that happened, then at least the tension her
rebellion was causing would disappear, and her image
among our classmates would improve. Konno's harassment
might not stop, but the big picture would take a turn for the
better. After that, all Mimimi had to do was keep up her
emotional support for Tama-chan and wait for Konno to
decide she was done. Without the rest of the class on her
case, too, they should be able to hold up.
The problem with both of these approaches was that if
Tama-chan was hurt so badly that Mimimi's care couldn't
make up for it, the damage would be irreparable. That was a
major issue.
On the other hand, my guess was that Hinami was
aiming for two things. First, like Mimimi, she wanted Erika
Konno to succumb. But unlike her, Hinami was tending to
the whole class instead of to Tama-chan's mental state. She
was buying time by cooling down the mood, and if Konno
ran out of energy in the meantime, then that would be a
good ending.
But I didn't think that was Hinami's favorite option.
Her real goal was more likely to send the class mood
flooding in the opposite direction .
Currently, the mood was on the verge of laying the blame
on Tama-chan. By forcefully flipping that mood on its head,
she would make sure Konno took the fall. She would send
the mood in an upstream deluge that would sweep Konno
away, putting an end to the trouble by using the group and
its mood to beat her into submission. She would take
wrongheaded flow and put it back on course. I'm fairly sure
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that was the outcome she envisioned.
"I'll change everyone's minds."
I think that's what she meant by those words. In that
case, the good ending would happen when she successfully
reversed the class mood. If Tama-chan reached her breaking
point before Hinami finished her work, that would be a bad
ending. But to be honest, I couldn't help thinking it would be
impossible, even with Hinami's power.
In other words, there were three possible ways for this
problem to be resolved.
First, Erika Konno could give in to Tama-chan's
resistance.
Second, Tama-chan could stop rebelling, and the mood
could improve.
Third, the class mood could be forced to reverse course.
I think this was the range of endings Hinami and
Mimimi were hoping for.
But what should I—what should nanashi—make of it all?
The answer was clear from the start.
A fourth ending.
* * *
After school that day, I went to the library. But I didn't go
there to see Kikuchi-san. She didn't go to the library after
school anyway.
I went there to wait for volleyball practice to end. While I
waited, I didn't even pretend to read. I just sat and pulled
together my thoughts.
I was thinking about what I wanted right now—about the
fourth ending, the ultimate goal I was aiming for in this
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situation. The most important thing wasn't to prevent Tamachan from changing, and it wasn't to fight with all my might
on the enemy's terms. Both of those were means, not ends.
There was only one essential goal: to keep Tama-chan
from getting hurt.
That was it. All I had to do was figure out the safest and
most efficient strategy for achieving that goal and implement
it. Nothing should take priority above that. I didn't need any
pointless rules. I'd do whatever it took to reach the goal, and
if any rules got in my way, I'd ignore them. I'd make my way
forward, even if the path I took was dirty or "wrong." That
was something that NO NAME couldn't do but nanashi
could. And what tactic did this situation demand?
Retreat. I was sure of it.
Fleeing from combat. The escape command.
It was a common solution to problems in games.
Basically, there was one thing I wanted Tama-chan to
do.
Until the storm blew over, I wanted her to stay home
from school.
Such a backward approach might require her to bend her
way of thinking a little. And the storm might never blow
over. But it would still be far better than letting her suffer a
wound she couldn't recover from.
People might call her pathetic, or a loser, or a coward, or
uncool, but none of it mattered. None of that was important.
What mattered right now was making sure she wasn't
hurt. That was all.
Plus, if Tama-chan and Konno stopped arguing, the
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resentment people held toward Tama-chan would stop
building up. In the meantime, Hinami and Mimimi could
gradually repair the class mood. Izumi might be able to find
a way to soothe Konno's irritation toward Tama-chan. I'd do
what I could, too, with my own weak skills. And chances
were good the problem would be resolved.
That's why I thought retreat was the least risky, most
realistic, and most likely to succeed option even now, as bad
as it was.
This was the fourth ending I was aiming for.
It was after six PM . I left the library and headed for class.
Tama-chan was standing by the window, watching track
practice below. I'd talked with her here a bunch of times
after the student council election between Hinami and
Mimimi ended—about Mimimi, Hinami, and myself. I'd
learned a lot of valuable things from her, so I wanted to have
one more good conversation with her here.
"…Tama-chan."
She jumped a little, then turned toward me, almost
frightened. Her face held a mixture of anger and fear, but
when she saw it was me, that tension drained away.
Simply hearing her name was enough to make her
assume the speaker was hostile—I couldn't let this keep
happening.
"What's wrong, Tomozaki?"
She replied with the same tone and expression she'd
used when we talked here before.
"Um, nothing's wrong, but…" I tried to smile as naturally
as possible.
"What?"
"I just felt like talking a little."
"…Oh, really?" she said, sounding unconvinced. Still, she
smiled faintly, relaxing a little. At least it wasn't a no.
"Yeah, about this whole mess with Erika Konno."
I jumped right into the topic. Her eyes widened in
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surprise for a second, then softened into amusement.
"You know, Aoi said something to me recently."
"Huh?"
That was quite a jump, and I wasn't sure how to respond.
"She told me she thought you and I were kinda similar."
"…Interesting."
I was slightly surprised. I remembered Hinami saying
that to me, but she'd said it to Tama-chan, too?
Tama-chan kept looking me straight in the eye. "I didn't
really know what she meant at the time, but I've kind of
started to get it, back when we were talking while Minmi was
running herself into the ground, and just now, as well." She
smiled.
"Get what?"
She didn't look away as she answered. "We both say
exactly what we're thinking."
"Oh…yeah."
I nodded. That was definitely true. Hinami had even said
that was my only strength, and I could see Tama-chan had
the same tendency.
"Anyway, what did you want to say about this whole
mess?" she asked, as bluntly as I did a minute ago. That
ability was pure Tama-chan—she could easily and directly
state things that other people found hard to say or hear—and
I guess I'm similar. With her, I didn't have to obsess over
how to phrase what I wanted to say next. I could just say it.
"I was thinking you must be having a hard time with
Konno attacking you and everyone else avoiding you. And if
so, then maybe you should find a way to get away from it all
for a while," I told her, without mincing words. Tama-chan's
expression didn't really change. She kept looking straight at
me, and she didn't seem uncomfortable.
"Um, yeah, it's not easy. But…"
"…Hmm?"
She gave me a big, strong smile. "But I'm fine."
There was strength in her smile. Call it fight, or
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conviction, or just assurance that she was right; it was a kind
of confidence based on her own internal standards. I liked
that smile. It reminded me of my own pride in myself as a
gamer holding the controller, and as a character who didn't
lie to himself.
"Because you believe in yourself?"
"Yeah."
She nodded simply. My words were very abstract, but for
some reason, I felt like she understood them perfectly.
"I'm fine because I know I'm right."
I had the feeling I knew exactly what she meant, too, and
I nodded firmly.
"…Gotcha."
"She's in the wrong, and I'm in the right. No matter what
she does to me, I won't give in. I have my own way of doing
things that I believe in, and I would hate changing that even
more than I hate all the crap she's doing to me."
"…Definitely."
I could sympathize with that. Right now I was living life
as a bottom-tier character without confidence in his own
actions. But that was only because I still hadn't mastered the
rules of the game I was playing. It wasn't because I had no
faith in myself—in fact, back when I believed life was a
shitty, garbage game, I was totally convinced I was right
until Hinami showed me otherwise. And I was happy with
that. Those were the values I devoted my life to, heart and
soul. I had that sense of conviction, so I didn't need anyone
else to back me up.
That's why I'd practiced so hard at Atafami , a game I
believed was worth my time, and became the best player in
Japan. I never hesitated. It was my lifestyle and my value
system. Now that I'd decided life was a good game, I was
basing my actions on that decision. That sense was the root
of everything—what I believe is who I am. I sensed the same
thing in Tama-chan.
"Then…I think it'll work out."
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I decided then and there to forget about everything I'd
been planning to suggest to her, because I understood what
she was getting at. And because I truly believed, from the
bottom of my heart, that her position deserved respect above
anything else.
That was far more important than Erika Konno's daily
attacks or the way everyone else was avoiding her. Changing
herself on the basis of a value system that she didn't believe
in was far worse. And that's why things were fine as they
were. They had to be like this.
Tama-chan nodded confidently again.
"As long as I can be myself, I can put up with anything."
The simple power of the "self" supporting that statement
filled me with admiration.
"So yeah. I'll be all right."
There was no hesitation or uncertainty in her eyes—just
the integrity of a girl who was honest about how she felt. I
looked her in the eye and nodded.
"Okay, then. Never mind."
I decided to have faith—and believe that what she was
doing was right.
She was confident, and she was able to sacrifice
everything else to that conviction. In this situation,
succumbing to someone else's values would be far harder.
And that was why she'd chosen not to let Erika Konno get
away with anything.
After all, there was something ten times, even a hundred
times more important than stopping Konno from kicking
her desk or breaking her things, or stopping everyone else
from avoiding her.
Believing in herself until the end.
"Well, I'm here for you," I said, meeting her eyes with a
completely serious, honest expression. Maybe I was
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assuming, but I felt like those few words were enough to
express what I meant. She smiled kindly, like she
understood everything, and after a pause, she answered:
"But you know, Tomozaki…"
That kind expression was the same as the one from when
she hugged Mimimi back then, but for some reason, I
glimpsed a powerful resolution behind that kindness. She
radiated a quiet but overwhelming determination, much
greater than you would ever imagine from someone so small.
It wiped out all my other thoughts as she continued:
"Everyone is so sad right now."
Behind her sympathetic eyes, her deep frustration,
sadness, and anger were almost tangible. All I could do was
keep listening silently.
"That's why I want to change."
The kindness of her decision was impossible to put into
words. She had the ability to believe in herself completely;
she'd just said she could put up with anything as long as she
knew she was right. But she was willing to throw all that
aside for the sake of something else. I was floored.
"While I was talking, I could tell I really am like you. I
say what I think, and I'm bad at putting on an act. But—"
She took a step toward me. It was a small, Tama-chanlike step, but it was a step across an invisible line on the
classroom floor.
"You've really changed lately. You've gotten good at
reading other people and smiling and fitting in. We're so
similar, but you've really challenged yourself. And you've
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managed to change. You've showed me it's possible."
Her eyes were serious and incredibly powerful, so much
so that I could never look away. She nodded once.
"That's why…"
She jabbed a finger at my face, the same way she always
did. The motion was so intense that it almost made me
laugh, but at the same time, I felt like I was as close as I'd
ever come to the fundamental, unchanging core of her heart.
Slowly, she formed her hand into a fist.
"I want you to teach me how to fight."
Her eyes burned with a warrior's spirit. She believed in
herself, but she didn't want to hurt the people she loved—
—and so she wanted to change, even though she was
right. Behind those eyes was a quiet, flickering flame of
determination.