Part 1
Have you ever heard of this? A Suicide Site?
Oh, don't give me that look, I know you have. Pretty much everyone's heard
of at least one these days. A website on the internet where you can find
various ways of committing suicide or kindred spirits to commit group
suicide with.
When I first stumbled upon this, I was deeply confused, to be honest.
For you see, I didn't really want to kill myself, but at the same time, I was at
a time in my life that I didn't really want to live either, and the prospect of
definitely ending my shallow existence once and for all appeared strangely
alluring to me.
Because this world has done everything it could and then some to drive me
into the deepest pits of darkest despair.
I am being bullied and ostracized at school, in a way that's more hideous than
your standard, by-the-book physical abuse: I was being ignored by everyone,
treated as if I was nothing but air. In class, during lunch breaks or when going
to and back from school, I was always alone. When an assignment required
us to get in pairs, I would always end up as the sole one who had no partner.
Every. Single. Time.
When the number of male and female members in our class was uneven,
teachers would try to pair me up with girls. You can probably guess how that
swell idea was going to end up, but I'm going to tell you anyway, just to kick
myself in the balls some more, because at this point, why the hell not? Every
one of those bitches would try to weasel her way out of being assigned to me.
They did so either by saying they already made a promise to be together with
someone else, or when that tactic proved to be ineffective, they would
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reluctantly join me only to do all the work themselves. And they did all of
that without even glancing in my direction or uttering a single word.
Oftentimes I could swear I saw the aura of resentment towards me
manifesting itself around them physically as a form of protective armor, and
comments like 「I feel defiled」, 「I have to go cleanse myself with holy water」
or 「I can never be a bride now」 were so common that I stopped counting
them after a 100th time, give or take. I thought I was used to them already,
but no matter how often I heard them or in how many variations, they still
hurt the same, adding more and more fuel to the brightly burning pyre of my
self-hatred.
And before some of you ask that dumb question, no, it wasn't like that in
high school only. It was like that ever since elementary school, where I was
getting into fights with the other kids almost on a daily basis, resulting in me
getting labeled as a violent delinquent. You'd think that things would get
better given enough time. Well, boy do I have news for you, they didn't. Not
in the slightest.
By the time I was in 4th grade I was everyone's sandbag during almost every
break, especially after one of the classes when we were all sharing our
dreams for the future with each other. I had, in a splendid display of childish
idiocy, blurted out that I wanted to be a professional wrestler. Adding to that,
I was always thrown out of the class when it was time to change for P.E., and
in the summer when it was time for swimming classes my clothes and my
clothes only would always magically end up thrown into the pool. Yup, those
were the days of my childhood that I don't want to remember.
I have to say though, things did quiet down a little bit when I began to learn
Kendo as a means of self-defense. It was also a very effective way to channel
all of my pent-up frustration and violence into something productive. By the
time my sh*tfest of a life reached the 2nd year of Junior High, the physical
bullying stopped completely and switched to the mental one. I think that one
incident when I'd "accidentally" beat the everlasting f*ck out of one of my
oppressors and ended up sending him to the hospital for a few months had
something to do with, but I can be wrong about it. Well, let's not dwell on the
small details for now. Bottom line is, for a while things did quiet down. No
one dared to raise his hand against me, but I did become an outcast without a
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single friend.
Throughout the years of their education kids can be some real sacks of sh*t,
wouldn't you agree? Once they will learn that they can't inflict harm upon
you physically, they will try to do so mentally. As if there was any real
chance of them finally leaving me alone.
The attitude of my father at home was pretty much the same. When my
mother died, the first thing he did instead of mourning her was turning me
into the object of his domestic violence. 「YOU SHOULD BE THANKING
ME, I'M DOING IT ALL FOR YOUR SAKE!」 he shouted as he was
beating the crap out of me to the point of unconsciousness.
That was the moment when I finally realized that this is what this wretched
world is all about. No matter how hard you'll try to live a good, honest life,
the only way for you to make your dreams come true is to do so by
eliminating everything and everyone who stands between you and your goal.
Only when you are standing atop the mountain of the countless corpses of
your enemies where no one will ever be able to threaten you anymore while
triumphantly sipping the nectar of sweet victory, only then you'll be allowed
to tell that you have truly won the sh*tty game called 「Life」.
Heh, such an outlook on life sounds like it's more befitting of a criminal or a
petty member of the Yakuza, but that's how it really is. Without power,
you're no one. Just one of the nameless nobodies living their days aimlessly
as a member of the like-minded grey mass of mediocrity. At least, that's what
I think after everything I've been through.
This world is a hopeless, truly rotten place. Looking back on it now, it must
have been precisely because of that.
That was the reason why I decided to click on the link to that obviously shady
suicide site I found one night while I was surfing the net in the solitude of my
own room after I've had my fill of father's beatdowns for the day.
How should I put it? It was… an eye-opening experience. I'm not kidding,
reading through everything that was posted there really helped me understand
what a fool I was up until that point. Before, I thought I was the only one who
had it rough, but now I finally saw that the world was riddled with hundreds
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of thousands of people of all backgrounds and ages who just couldn't take it
anymore and therefore they searched for a way out. On that day, something
had changed within me, as if a switch was suddenly flipped inside of my
mind. What began as a curious one-time-only read began to develop into a
keen interest. So I've read all the posts, gathered the information, went
through all the links and finally reached what could be called the site's inner
sanctum.
Thinking about it carefully, this world has brought me nothing but regrets. I
had no one I could call my lover, no friends and no family who would
support me through thick and thin. And if that was the case, why would I
even bother to continue living in such a hell on earth?
My grades were not exceptional in any way. Because of the domestic
violence in my family it would be impossible for me to go to the university.
We barely had any money to make ends meet. My only redeeming quality
were my Kendo skills honed since my early years. In addition to Kendo, I
really wanted to train in Judo or Karate, but since the lessons cost a fortune
that was impossible. Even with Kendo, I was only able to practice it because
the master of the local Dojo trained kids free of charge and also leant them
their equipment, but I knew he was not doing it out of the kindness of his
heart. That was only an excuse for him so he could give 「private lessons」 to
the kids he took a 「liking」 to, especially the girls. So in case you didn't hear
me the first time, let me reiterate:
This world is a truly rotten place.
The list of my regrets was much longer than the ones relating to my family's
financial situation, of course. One of them was my desire to finally graduate
from being a virgin. I mean really, who wouldn't see that coming? Dying
without having any experience in sex? Now that would be lame. Just like any
other high school boy my age, I wanted to try doing it at least once. I wanted
to know if releasing all of your sexual desire into a girl really felt as good as
everyone else around me was saying.
Like that, the days went by without bringing any significant changes with
them. All this time, I was on the fence about whether or not I really wanted to
kill myself. After all, the thought of ending my life with my own hands
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scared the living hell out of me. I was afraid of the pain and of what would
happen if by some miracle I managed to screw things up. And while we are
on the subject, I wonder if dying is really as simple as books portray it to be:
that you just close your eyes, drift away to sleep and that's it. Well, I guess
that might be the case for dying of natural causes like illness or old age, but
for everything else? I guess I was still too big of a wuss to test it out for
myself.
I was pretty good at Kendo. It might be tough, but maybe if I put more effort
into it I'll be able to make my living out of that? That certainly wouldn't be
half bad if it worked.
As for losing my V-Card, all good things come to those who wait, I guess.
Surely I will get my chance to get down and dirty with someone nice if I
were patient. And if I officially attained the status of a Wizard first (reach 30
years of age still virgin)? I didn't give a fuck.
Having such conflicting thoughts in my mind I went on reading the posts
published on the site, where I was a regular by this time. And one fateful
night, my eyes fell upon a link to a post titled 『Before You Decide To
Commit Suicide』.
This is it.
A guide that is going to help me make up my mind!
This is what I wanted the whole time!
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Part 2
With my excitement quickly rising, I decided to click on the link. Who
knows, maybe it will point me towards some good alternatives to suicide? I
am just a teenager in his second year of high school after all, so checking out
the alternatives before committing myself to the real deal was
understandable.
Now let's see what we have here… uh-huh, all right, cool, I get it…
I muttered to myself as I was slowly scrolling down the page. To give you a
brief rundown of its contents, it stated that if you find your own world to be a
shitty place where you absolutely cannot live, then why not move to another
one?
That was… not what I was expecting, if I am to be honest. But on the other
hand, there was a surprising amount of sense to it. I mean, think about it: if
you're fed up with the world you live in, then switching to one that that is
more to your liking is kinda obvious.
The page listed many examples of such worlds: a world which is
technologically advanced, a world where pirates and their ships make the
law, an ancient world filled with swords and magic… such a world might
really not sound so bad. If I chose something like that, I could move to a
world which was inhabited not only by disgusting humans, but also beautiful
and noble elves, hard-working dwarves or even demi-humans and beasts
lived together. That would certainly be interesting.
But how can you move to such a world, you ask? That's simple, really. The
answer to that question is: through games. Internet ones, to be more specific.
And it just so happens that the page was providing links to the main pages of
all kinds of games, not only the ones that I listed above.
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I guess I could give one of them a try, just for the hell of it. It will certainly
be healthier than spending the whole night reading the comments of the other
users of the suicide site for who-knows-which night in a row. Yes, let's think
about it like a much-needed change of pace, or a breath of fresh air. See, for
all my earlier trash-talking I can still act like a semi-decent human being if I
want to. If I have to fill my head with something then I'd much rather it be
games than suicidal thoughts. Maybe it's my internal coward speaking
through me now, but I have seen for myself over the past few days there were
many people who thought exactly the same, so maybe those kinds of
advertisements were made specifically to appeal to them? Well, whatever.
When it comes to online games I can proudly say that I am not a total noob,
since I did play some of them in the past. Although, I have to admit that my
friendless loner attitude must have rubbed off on me pretty hard, because
even when playing online games, where meeting new people and cooperating
with them is kinda the point of it all, I was a bona fide solo player. I was what
you might call a quintessential casual, playing only what looked nice and
casting it aside as soon as I got bored with it. But when I did play, I made
sure to enjoy every second of it. Even if the game was a literal piece of crap, I
didn't hate it per se, just the people who made it this way.
All right, so when I entered the page of one game that looked interestingly
enough for me, the first thing I was told to do was choose my race and the
country of origin from a very impressive selection of choices. Hmm, maybe I
should aim for something interesting, like a mixture of the most unexpected
things possible? And if I get tired of it anyway, I can always just start over
from scratch.
The next page was about the frequency of wars occurring in the game's
world. So it is the setting where countries fight with each other for supremacy
instead of being friendly, I guess? I wonder if it's going to be similar to the
battles between guilds, but on a much larger scale?
Well, not that it's going to have that much meaning for me as a solo player
anyway. With that in mind, I think I'm going to choose one of the more
friendly countries. Okay, now that that's done, what do we have next?
Dungeon type or Field type? Now this is going to be a difficult decision.
Can't I just choose both at once? Oh, well would you look at that, apparently
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I can. Sweet, both it is then. It's also good that you can just choose the
settings recommended by the game itself since there are just so many detailed
options to choose from that carefully reading through all of them would have
probably taken me an entire night's worth of sleep.
One of the last things to choose from was the language settings. Huh? What's
this, how come Japanese is not the default one?!What even is this Brahim
language? I have no idea, but since it's a default one then it's probably better
to leave it as it is without messing around with it too much.
Soon after that I have arrived at the section of the character creation labeled
as [Bonus Points Distribution]. Huh, I guess every online game has one of
those nowadays. The system itself was similar to the one featured in the
classics like D&D where you had to [roll] your character statistics based on
the total value of your roll. You have a total of 6 basic stats: Strength,
Dexterity, Constitution, Intellect, Wisdom and Luck, and the total value of
the roll of your virtual [dice] determines the numerical bonuses to those 6
stats. Thankfully it looks like you can reroll your character stats as many
times as you like until you roll your ideal desired results so at least I don't
have to worry about being stuck with something totally useless and not suited
to my preferred play-style. The only downside to it is that rolling "exactly"
what you want might take a considerable amount of time since the RNG was
not on the players side most of the time when it came to stat distribution. But
since I don't want to half-ass everything this time around, I should take my
time to roll something that will at the very least be decent to play with instead
of a total random.
Points-wise, many of the initial stats were at the values between 10 and 20,
meaning that they were the very basic ones and we want something better
than that, so we're rerolling that one.
The next roll scored me a total between 40 and 50, so I wasn't as bad as the
first one, but it wasn't good either. Another reroll then, don't fail me this
time. Let's fast forward a number of rerolls into the future where I finally
managed to score myself something genuinely good. I have a feeling that this
is the best result I could have hoped for, so I'll be keeping that one. Also, the
color of all the values was green, which indicates that my roll was an aboveaverage one. All right, looks like we're off to a pretty good start in here, but I
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wonder if we can perhaps do a little bit better?
Generally speaking, in games that use the dice rolling system for deciding the
stats rolling anything which has a total value of 75 and above is considered to
be good, but most of the players (at least from what I've heard online) always
aimed for a total 80 or above in order to really maximize their roll and
squeeze every additional point they could to ensure the best start possible for
themselves. My current total is 79, so the million-dollar question is: should I
keep it or try to push my luck a bit and aim for that famed 80?
…. Ah screw it, You Only Live Once Rolls for the win, we're starting over!
As a result, I ended up with a total value of 60. Figures. Nothing like a little
bit of F rank gacha luck kicking you in the nuts to remind you that you're not
the hot Sh*t you thought yourself to be. Are we going to leave that poor 60
be and finally start the game? Hell no! I rolled something good once, so I can
do it again, even if I have to result to using the most secret, forbidden
technique of stat rolling: [Rapid Fire Mouse Clicking]! While I am furiously
clicking away, here's some random trivia about this technique for you: the
most skilled of its users are supposedly able to achieve the clicking frequency
of 30 clicks per second! Isn't that like, awesomely unreal?! I wonder what
games they were playing in order to achieve such a form at using it (TL
NOTE: Ever heard of StarCraft, kid?).
As I continued to click like crazy, having nothing more but my eyes to rely
on when to stop, a number 8 flashed before my eyes. Was that number 80 just
now? It was 80, wasn't it?! Unfortunately, the number that was displayed on
the screen when I stopped tapping that left mouse button was a measly 19.
CRAP BASKETS! I did it! For just a brief moment I have scored that
legendary 80 and I blew it out the window! OF-FUCKING-COURSE!!! And
you know what comes next? That's right, you guessed it, we're starting over
one more time!
*Inhale*… *Exhale*… *Inhale*… *Exhale*…
My disappointment is immeasurable and my day is ruined even more than it
already was. *Sigh* well, no use crying over spilt milk I guess, we're just
back to the Redoville for the moment.
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The next few attempts were filled with 60 and 70 somethings, but let's be real
here guys, all right? You know as well as I do that after scoring that 80 once I
wasn't going to stop until I scored another 80 again. This is what we players
do after all, it is literally in our blood, that competitive drive, or what normies
would normally call a [Hold My Beer Syndrome]. We've all been there or at
least saw someone from our surroundings being there, right? That certain
someone who is like [Come on man, there's no way that you'll actually
*insert whatever stupid thing here*] and the other guy, being an absolute
Chad Thundercock of a madman that he is being all like [I'm not going to do
it? I'm not going to do it?! Here, hold my beer!] usually followed by poor
Chad either embarrassing himself in front of everyone or hurting himself in a
really stupid way. Of course, with my personal situation being the way it is I
have never really had the chance to be such a Chad myself, which is why
now is a perfect, probably once in a lifetime opportunity for me.
[Give it a break you loser, there's no way someone like you can score 80 or
higher while rolling stats!]
Oh yeah? Well you know what?! Screw you! Screw every last one of you
Chads with all your Stacies and successful normie lives! This is my time to
shine now! I will do it! I will beat this Reroll icon like it's my meat on a
lonely Friday evening and I'll roll the best stats possible!
Okay, everyone ready? Hold on to your seats then, cause we're taking this
icon for a ride!
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Part 3
(Sarcastically) Day 6524: rations running low.
I've been clicking and clicking and clicking for so long that my right hand
went totally numb. And after every single click I made a brief pause to check
the value that appeared on screen to be absolutely sure that I won't miss a
good roll. Click, reroll, click, reroll, click, reroll, click, why am I doing this
again? It's been so long that I 'm having difficulty remembering. And
looking at those tiny digits on screen is such a pain in the ass… I continued
my clicking crusade while thinking such thoughts. If nothing else, I have to
praise myself for my own stubbornness.
Click, check the value, then click again. This boring, repetitive process
continued for quite a while. Just a non-stop sound of clicking, like *click*
*click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click*
*click* *click* *click**click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click*
*click* *click*…
It wasn't until much, much later that the sight I longed for finally appeared on
my screen: two digits making a number, shining with a clear, golden light. It
took me a long time to get here, but the end result was even better than what I
initially wanted. I rolled a highest value possible, probably because there are
no three-digit numbers programmed into the system.
A 99. Just looking at it gave me all kinds of satisfaction. After the long
struggle, I have finally arrived in the promised land. I did this out of spite and
sheer desperation and still managed to obtain it. The days of yore when I just
clicked away like a madman already seemed to be nothing more but a distant
memory (even though they literally happened moments ago).
I have it. A total stat value of 99. Would I try to roll that again? Oh hell no.
This is a once in a lifetime opportunity that might never repeat itself again if I
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just let it pass me by, so you bet your ass I'm keeping it. I don't even care
about the game itself anymore, just rolling that was enough of a victory for
me. Since I'll be playing solo anyway, such a roll was the best possible
outcome I could have hoped for. There literally is nothing better than this
when it comes to rolling stats, so I clicked on confirm without any regrets.
Next was setting up your avatar character and distributing Bonus Points.
There was no information on microtransactions, loot boxes or any kind of ingame purchases. Could this be a browser-based game? Looking at the
number of my bonus points, there were quite a lot of them. Well, since the
game is being so generous to me from the start, I guess I have no choice but
to continue playing and seeing how things will turn out.
Bonus Points themselves could be used to increase the values of various
parameters on the character creation screen, such as Strength, Endurance,
Equipment Load, Bonus Spells Slots and even Bonus Skills and Equipment.
Initially I was thinking of dumping all of my Bonus Points into Strength, but
that would mean I'll have no points to spend on other possibly useful things.
Hmm, what to do?
Typically, in these kinds of games the benefits of increased parameters could
only be felt in the game's early stages as the end result was dependent
entirely on the character's overall level. Taking that into consideration,
should I invest my points into something else? How about Bonus Equipment?
I bet that with the right amount of points dumped into it I could start the
game with the strongest weapons and armor from the get-go. That would
certainly make the beginning stages a breeze. Bonus Spells could also be
useful, especially those cool sounding like Warp or Gamma Ray Burst. Oh
man, so many things to choose from and not nearly enough points to try out
everything that actually catches my attention.
Normally I could've just used the internet to find some tips for beginners, but
I got so caught up in setting everything up that I didn't even registered the
actual name of the game, so I done goofed with that, I won't lie. Then again,
that was kinda the point of what I'm doing here, to dive into it blindly and see
if this is actually worth a damn. That, and I don't want to waste that one-in-amillion chance I got with that godly roll I managed to secure. Ugh, I have to
hand it to the game's developers, putting so many things to choose from and
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giving you so many points was a brilliant trick, making the decision harder
for me.
While I scanned the entire screen for any potential tips, I noticed that there
was a [Reset Character] option at the bottom of the Bonus Skills list. So with
this Bonus Skill, redoing your character should be available, right? And if
this page is titled [Character Page 1], then it would stand to reason that I can
either redo the same page or create another one if I want. That way, I can start
playing essentially whatever I want without worrying too much.
I clicked on the Reset prompt to see if it actually works. Bonus Points
Returned to 98, probably because one point was used to perform the reset
itself. The necessary experience value has also decreased accordingly. Of
course, I should know something like that is going to be necessary. But right
next to it was a skill that increased the value of the experience obtained. But
how is it any different? Should I choose both for the time being? Checking
the required experience value reduction, the Bonus Points were at 97, and the
required experience value decrease was displayed in half of the required
experience value. It's an enhanced version with a reduced experience level,
or an evolved version to be more exact.
If you click on the required experience value ½, the Bonus Points will drop
down to 95, but the required experience will change to the ½ of the normal
required value. Doing so again will change the required value to 1/3 of the
original and repeating the process one more time drops the Bonus Points to
91 but changes the required experience value to 1/5. Doing so yet again will
drop the Bonus Points to 83 but changes the required experience value to
1/10.
The number of my Bonus Points has been reduced. It would appear that the
value of the Bonus Points required keeps on doubling. Clicking on the
required experience value of 1/10 resulted in the Bonus Point total becoming
67 and the display changed to 1/20 of the required experience value.
Quickmath time! 83 minus 67 gives… wait, how do you count to 16 again….
Oh yeah, 16! So the value is doubling after all!
Now, what if I uncheck the required experience value of 1/20 and click to
return the Bonus Point to 83 and the required experience value of 1/10, and
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then to the 91 Bonus Points and the required experience value of 1/5 and the
once again to return it to 1/3. Ok, so this time I'm going to choose the
increase in the acquisition of exp.
When I increased it, the Bonus Points became 90, and the display of the
increase in the acquisition experience doubled. Is this the same pattern?
When I repeat the process once more, the Bonus Points will be 88, and the
earned experience value will change to triple the normal amount. When I
clicked 3 times, the Bonus Points became 84, and 3 times the earned
experience value changed to 5 times the earned experience value. I think I
will actually go with that.
Other than that, there was also an option to pick a Second Job. This will
without a doubt prove to be useful. Normally, in a job-based game, each job
can use it's unique skills and spells . If you have a second job, you can use
the skills and spells of those two jobs at the same time. It's strange that here
it's treated like a Bonus Skill. If you don't set a Bonus Skill, you're going to
lose its slot permanently. Fucking game choices man. This reeks of a shitgame mechanic, but I guess we have no choice. Once I picked that up, the
value of Bonus Points decreased to 83. Two jobs at the same time will
probably be all I'll be able to get at the start of the game, so if I decide to
switch it for something else I can always reset at any given time.
Right next to the Second Job skill was a job settings skill. So I'm guessing
that if I won't choose it, I'll be stuck with some lame default settings, huh?
Let's leave it for now and check what other options do we have. Increased
Recovery Speed and Shortened Spellcasting Speed may also be skills that can
be useful, but since I don't know whether magic can be used from the
beginning I'm skipping this for now. Discount Negotiations and Lowered
Prices… that might be useful when I'll have to buy a lot of things.
As for the rest…
I think I'll pass any Bonus Spells for the time being, because some of them
blatantly asked you if you're okay with performing suicide attacks. Big nope
for me. I'm not going to use suicide attacks, no matter how OP they might be.
Not in a million years.
Let's go back to Bonus Equipment for now. As far as the beginning of the
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game is concerned, this is going to be absolutely crucial. Wearing literally
anything else that is not your starting equipment should be enough to make
sure that you will not get owned throughout the beginning stages of the game.
I clicked Bonus Equipment and then Bonus weapons, decreasing my number
of Bonus Points to 82, changing my initial loadout simply called Weapons to
Weapons II. So that is the pattern that the Bonus Equipment is following?
Okay, fine by me. I clicked on it 6 times, expending a total of 20 Bonus
Points to get myself a set of Weapons VI. Next I clicked on Bonus
Accessories until my Bonus Points total was down to 17, and as a finishing
touch, I increased the Lower Experience value to 1/5 of the normal total and
increased the amount of exp obtained 5 times.
After all was said and done, the number of my remaining Bonus Point was 1.
What should I spend it on? Identify Skill, or maybe put one more into Bonus
Weapons, just for the hell of it?
Nah, I'll go with Identify after all.
I have no Bonus Points left now. With nothing else left to do, I clicked OK to
finish the character creation process, when all of a sudden, the screen has
changed.
WARNING!
IF YOU CHOSE TO CONTINUE BEYOND THIS POINT, YOU WILL
LIVE YOUR LIFE IN A DIFFERENT WORLD, NEVER TO RETURN
TO THE WORLD YOU WILL BE LEAVING BEHIND.
KNOWING THIS, DO YOU STILL WISH TO CONTINUE?
The hell is this? Yeah, yeah, as long as I don't have to pay for it, I don't care.
Just let me click yes and begin playing for fucks sake!
I click yes without a second of hesitation.
FINAL WARNING!
KNOWING THE RISK, DO YOU STILL WISH TO CONTINUE
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ANYWAY?
YES NO
Annoyed at the game's persistence, I clicked yes like a madman.
Huh? But wait a second… wasn't that message kinda disturbing now that I….
think about… it….. Fuck........ what have I gotten...….
myself...….. into.....