"So, what should I name this spell? It's Soul Arrow but is really shaped like an arrow. It should be named Soul Arrow but the name is used already. Hmmmm." I hum as I sit on the stairs leading to the first fog wall, the place where an undead archer is-well, was, before I turned it into a practice dummy for spells-and also the place where the Chosen Undead gets their shield and weapon.
So yes, I'm in Dark Souls. And for once in all of fanfiction history I'm not the Chosen Undead. How'd I know? Well you see, the Chosen Undead is locked in a cell at like, the bottom-most cell. And I was not. No shit I actually just appeared out of nowhere at the bonfire leading to the stairs. The bonfire where you are told to use a shield. Good thing I 'spawned' wearing complete Sorcerer gear. Had to take a good half an hour to learn how to use Sorceries though.
Speaking of sorceries, did you know that you can pretty much shape a Soul Arrow into whatever shape you want? It needs a decent amount of concentration though but it works nonetheless. I've been having fun with it for the last 10 minutes or so after using literal arrow shaped Soul Arrows to pepper the undead here. I somehow never ran out of whatever stuff people use to fuel Sorceries. Wait do they use their soul? Not the money-soul but like, actual soul. Questions for Big Hat Logan and Small Hat Griggs.
Now, you must be thinking "Why don't you go see the cell of the Chosen Undead?". Well, first off, the way back involves a big p h a t demon and large closed doors. And now, you must be thinking "What about going on the second way? Enter the fog wall, down the stairs, to the bonfire and rush off for Chosen Undead?".
Unfortunately I have no fucking idea how to enter fog walls. I tried relaxing and trying to pass. No luck. I tried holding my breath. No luck. I tried talking and arguing with it. No luck. I tried and tried for god knows how long without any progress other than my gradual descent into insanity.
"So here I am, trying to create an explosive sorcery so I can farm souls from these undeads. I do wish the Chosen Undead will come sooner though."
Explosive sorcery seems retarded ain't it? Pyromancy is the one in charge of AoE sadly. Still, doesn't hurt to try. First thing that came to mind is Great Heavy Soul Arrow. It's big, slow, and does a small explosion once it hits. I tried replicating the spell with no physical references other than my years of gaming knowledge. And it somehow worked. Yeah, I actually replicated Great Heavy Soul Arrow on first try. I did change the shape into a lance-spear something to add piercing damage in it. And holy shit did the speed got buffed an ungodly amount. I named it Big P h a t Soul Lance. Soul Lance for short.
"I do wonder why no one ever tried doing this? It's so easy."
Can't be bothered to care about the lack of creativity Sorcerers here had. I have a Chosen Undead to leech off of, an Oscar to save, and a big p h a t demon to skewer.
"I wonder if the Chosen Undead will also be like me..." I muttered to myself as I try copying Nuclear Fission and Fusion using Sorcery.
If the Chosen Undead proves to be another one from Earth, I'll be happy. Doesn't hurt to have a fellow Earthling after all. Still, I'm fine with anything. I just want to help them get out of here. I'll decide if I should follow the Chosen Undead once I'm in Firelink Shrine. The sound of sitting with my good ol' buddy Crestfallen while making nuclear sorceries able to send the entirety of Lordran plus Anor Londo to smithereens in a second seems pretty wholesome.
"Now if only I can figure out how to subtitute uranium and trigger Nuclear Fus-!" I was interrupted when a warm feeling swept over me together with a faint wave of orange light. Then, the corpse of the undead archer who had his body littered with 40 phallic holes disappeared in a cloud of mist.
"Bonfires." I muttered as I watch an undead archer form. I quickly sent a Soul Arrow(the real arrow edition btw. i really should name it soon) that went through the head of the undead, killing it.
Now, time to wait for the Chosen Undead. They should be just in the bonfire before the large gates and the big p h a t demon. Pretty close. Won't take a while.
"Progression at last." I smile as I lean on the wall facing the bonfire on the end of the hallway.
I waited for a good minute yet haven't heard a single sound of a p h a t demon much less than a Chosen Undead. I wonder what they're doing. Just open the door and run for you life towards the small gate.
"Fucking hell are they wanking or something?" I grumbled as I went back to trying to copy how nuclear explosions work.
And is when it happened. No not the nuclear spell sadly. But the sound of a spine-shaking thud as a loud roar reverberated. The sound of gates slamming down and the curses of a... woman?
"SUCK IT DEMON! YOU'RE JUST THE FIRST BOSS! I CAN BEAT YOU FIRST TRY WITH ONLY BROKEN STRAIGHT SWORD!" Oh fuck me sideways.
"Ahhh~ bonfires. Chicken soup in a rainy day materialized." I ignored the slightly errotic moan. I stopped my sorcery-fuckery and just chose to wait in silence.
Another wave of warmth went pass me, and before the undead can do anything I already blasted its head into kingdom come.
And then the Chosen Undead appeared, at long last.Wearing the typical Pyromancer set was the person fated to put a temporary end to the curse of the undead. The person supposed to overcome great challenges, slay countless monsters, butcher great lords and absorb their soul.
"What the fuck?" I stared at the stunned Pyromancer who cussed as soon as she saw me.
"So yep, welcome to Dark Souls where happiness is non-existent and pain is an all to cuddly friend. I see you chose Pyromancer as your class though I might ask, did you pick the Master Key?" I asked the lady.
Silence was my answer.
"Wanna go make a Giantdad build?" I tilted my head.
"...fuck." She muttered before slapping herself. I watched as she took a deep breath and scrutinized me, wary. She has long black hair that reached her waist, she's hallow, and she's wearing a pretty questionable robe that looked like she just walked across the entirety of Blighttown.
"Who are you?" She asked, both hands gripping the hilt of her broken sword.
"I want to use my IGN but it's in Japanese so you might as well call me Arthur. A Sorcerer with the ambition of making nukes." I waved at her.
"Are you also from Earth?" She asked, still wary. Still, her grip on her sword lessened slightly if the absence of trembling was any indication.
"Uh, I think? Last time I checked they haven't colonised Mars yet."
"Oh..." She let out a sigh of relief, a hand on her chest to calm her beating heart. Wait do hollows still have heartbeats? I don't know I'm still human. But I'm undead anyways so I'll probably find out.
"So, you're the Chosen Undead?" I asked as she went to grab the shield on the corpse inside one of the destroyed cell.
"I think so. I just woke up in that familiar cell." She replied as I grab the axe on one of the non-respawning corpse.
"So what's your plan? Burn yourself for eternity or just fuck it all?" I handed her the axe as she approached.
"I... still don't know. I'll cross the bridge when I get there." She answered, a bit too shaky.
"We are going there. I'm not letting you pet Priscilla's tail alone. And I'm definitely not letting you meet Quelaag alone. Damn if I let go of the chance to see shirtless spidergirls." Surprised I made a decision real fast? Me either. Eh, happens.
"Men." She just said before heading up the stairs. I just shrugged and followed.
She stood in front of the fog wall as I watch in sheer interest. Do fog walls only work for the Chosen Undead? Questions for later. She raised her hand and put her palm on the wall. The fog glowed before disappearing in a flash of light. I just hummed in interest.
On the room on the right is Oscar. He lays in rubbles, unmoving as the light shone through the hole at the roof, illuminating his body. He looks much worse than the game, his state I mean. There's some bent parts on his armor, his sword lies beside him, still in usuable condition.
I caught the Chosen Undead also staring at Oscar. I never really got her name didn't I? I'll find out once we save Oscar. I tap her on the shoulder, gesturing at the stairs.
"I'll do it?" I asked which she just nodded with a small smile.
I took a deep breath and slowly went up the stairs. The undead at the top saw me and pushed the metal ball. I dove to the lower set of stairs, somehow managing to stay upright without any broken bones. The metal ball crashed into the wall, securing a path towards Oscar of Astora.
I casted a Soul Arrow: Real Arrow Edition at the undead who pushed the ball, hitting him at the head. The undead fell to the lower set of stairs, head first, crushing it.
"What was that?" I heard the Chosen Undead ask.
"The spell?" She nodded. "I did some fuckery with sorceries, ended up being able to change the shape of Soul Arrows at will. Oh yeah I think I should be able to one-shot the Asylum Demon."
"Holy shit." She stared, wide-eyed before grinning. "Looks like we have a walking nuke eh?"
"I'm still on the process of replicating nuclear fission and fusion. Give me a little bit of time then I'll probably be able to send nukes here and there."
"Wait you aren't kidding when you said that?" She looked stunned. Well, not like I can't blame her. The ability to send nukes anytime is a frightening concept.
"I'm not." I smirked at her alarmed look. "Come on, we have a knight to knock some sense into."
With a sound of affirmation, the Chosen Undead, together with a sorcerer with a dream of causing destruction that no one in this world never dreamed of, entered the hole in the wall and was greeted by the sight of a knight.
"Oh... you..." Oscar wheezed. "You're no hollow eh? I'm done for I'm afraid."
"Eh not really." The Chosen Undead shook her head. "Estus Flask. You still have some don't you?"
"I believe so... But please, don't waste it for a dying knight like me." Oscar managed to rasp out.
"Oscar, Knight of Astora." The Chosen Undead spoke, making Oscar halt.
"I am a seer. I can see the future, and a fragment of the past." I had to stifle my laughter at that. Reading it is all fine but seeing it happening personally in front of you is fucking spleen-wretching.
"Fuck! What was that for?" I hold my side that the Chosen Undead just elbowed. I do know why she did that, but who cares?
"O-oh, another person eh?" Oscar moved his head a bit to the side, making him cough.
"Shove it up his throat." I said and the Chosen Undead went towards the knight, grabbed his pouch, and pulled out a flask containing embers or something I don't have any fucking idea.
"Deep breaths" was the only warning Oscar had before the Chosen Undead raised his visor and shoved the flask in, the fiery orange embers spilling into his mouth.
A few seconds passed and Oscar had a coughing fit, the Chosen Undead nodding proudly. Oscar took a bit time to recover but nevertheless, he did. He stared at the lady, confusion visible through his half-opened visor.
"I am a seer. And I, Aristia of Earth," I clamped a hand on my mouth to silence my laughter "is having you into joining me on my quest to break this curse of the undead. As I, the Chosen Undead, will face challenges on the way. I will need all the help I can get."
I was pretty sure tears are spilling out of laughter. And with the heated glare the Chosen Undead, Aristia, is sending me, she wants me to shut the fuck up. I'm sorry Ari, but this is too funny for me.
"Breaking the curse..." Oscar muttered as he stared at the floor silently.
"So what, Oscar? Will you join me?" Aristia held her hand out, beckoning for Oscar to grab it.
"I see." Oscar grabbed it and Aristia pulled him up, letting him stand. "I will help you in anyway I can. To end this curse."
"Well actually we can start with the big p h a t demon that slammed you in here." Oscar seemed to recall that and I continued. "I just need you to distract it for a few seconds while I prepare a spell to kill it."
"Are you actually going to one-shot it?" Aristia asked, still incredulous of the idea.
"One-shot? Is it what I think it means?" Oscar asked.
"Yes to both of your questions. Now let's go, I want to see spidergirl bewbas as soon as possible." I smirked at the two as I walked up the stairs.
Now if only I can create a nuke spell soon... It'll be funny if I one-shot Seath.