The lights twinkle around the coffee shop River and I are at. I never thought that anything could not be glamorous when I lived in the royal court for the first eighteen years of my life.
I never knew of thrift shops or unclean and possibly unhealthy restaurants, fast foods deliveries that were not special orders and so much more.
College whipped me in the face and I couldn't stop and think how ignorant and self centred I'd been all along.
Now, looking at the preppy little coffee shop and the innumerable number of guards posted almost at every corner, it's hard to feel comfortable.
"What's up?" River asks as we wait for our order.
"Nothing much, just tired." I reply evasively and he gives me a small nod.
"I have good news!" he exclaims and I find myself smiling at his excitement.
He looks like a little boy just about to announce to his parents that he made the cut for the basketball team.
"I'm listening." I encourage as I watch the waitress set down my cup of black coffee before me.
River wraps his hand around his cup of coffee before giving me a sinful smile that almost melts my insides.
I snap my eyes away from him and hug my coffee close to me.
"I talked to Mia about the wedding and she told me she wasn't ready for marriage either," he starts and I give him time to finish because I have a feeling he is not done yet.
"My mom also thinks that I need a little time to make my choice. She was okay to call it off."
I give him a small smile before taking a small sip of my hot coffee, "I'm glad it all worked out well for you." I tell him genuinely.
"I'm glad too." he says with a smile, "I talked to Marcello and asked him to drop his post as part of your security." he rushes out and I sigh.
River has never been good at hiding things from me. I knew it wouldn't take long before we had to talk about it.
"Why?" I ask, letting the question hang out like an accusation.
"I'm just uncomfortable when he's near you and I'm sorry for meddling. I'm more at ease when he is not around."
I quickly feel the warmth that had started to melt into me slowly dissipate. There's something about his words that causes panic to slowly form in my veins.
"You could have at least talked to me before you asked him to change posts," I sigh, knowing I can't start an argument I wouldn't like to be in.
"I'm sorry," he hangs his head and plays with the handle on his cup.
"It's cool. I talked it out with Marcello and while he wasn't happy, I think he is okay for his new post."
"I'm trying my best," he mutters quietly, almost as if frustrated by something unbeknownst to me and I shouldn't hear it.
"What are you trying for?" I ask, masking my curiosity by sipping my coffee.
With a sigh, he shakes his head and leans back on his chair. "Nothing you should worry about," he smiles weakly. "You never mentioned how college was."
River might think this is a good deflection from our previous conversation but the reminder that I shipped myself off to college while still mourning my pitiful crush on him makes my blood turn cold.
"Well," I begin softly, trying to swallow back the lump of emotions stuck at my throat. "I learned that my pizza delivery can not always be on time." I laugh quietly at the memory of the soggy pizza my roommate and I shared the first night at campus.
"Sounds memorable." River tries to cheer.
"No, you don't get it!" I correct with a chuckle, "We ordered the pizza at eight and it arrived at around nine thirty. We tried to cancel a couple times but this really nice and polite guy kept apologising about the delay and he assured us we'd get it in the next 15 minutes until an hour and a half had passed. That was my first experience on campus."
"No parties?"
"Like you don't know me," I say before laughing at a memory at one of my very last parties on campus, "There is this one time we went to a party and my friend peed in the pool because she saw her crush and he smiled at her. It was the funniest thing because she got embarrassed afterwards and sheepishly told the host about it and we ended up having a good laugh before the pool was emptied."
"Boyfriends?"
"Uh-" I pause and look up at him, the twinkle in his eyes dull down a little before a mask of anxious curiosity falls on. A nasty twisted part of me wants to show him off and make up incredible stories about a perfect college romance that he will never be able to match but I decide against it. What would be the point of it anyway? I'll still end up feeling miserable. "Well, I wouldn't say boyfriend but I had my eyes set on someone."
River's jaw ticks and he strays his eyes away from me.
Deciding that satisfaction is not what I feel at the moment, I sigh and take a sip of my now warm coffee.
"Were you guys close?"
"Not really. We only talked in passing," Adam's face comes to mind and I smile. "We weren't really in the same social class."
"Look, I prob-"
His phone cuts him off and he lets out a small frustrated breath before reaching for it.
"Yes?"
It's funny how River's demeanor changes and the chill that settles around us. His eyes seem distant and cold and his voice is very clipped. He sits a little straighter and the air around him commands respect and authority.
Something about this change makes me feel uncomfortable. I've always known he went soft on me.
Hell, I felt special everytime he switched his demeanor for me but right now, with the love glasses off, I feel like I shouldn't be glad anymore.
What if he turns his cold shoulder to me? What then?
But then again, why should I be worried about it? Don't I want him to leave me alone?
"That is not what I asked you to do," he says quietly but it still sounds like a threat. "Cancel the order and make sure you are in my office tomorrow morning at eight. We'll work it out with the rest."
When he hangs up, he sighs and immediately switches off the cold and brash demeanor to the warm inviting one as he studies my face.
"My college was hell," He says after a moment. "It took me around a year and a half to settle in, I was fighting clinical depression by then and I was almost always isolated. Then Sophia came along and we became a public couple. Everything seemed okay."
"But it wasn't?" I catch on from his pressed look that it wasn't.
"No." he answers quietly. "I know why you asked to change colleges but I wish I had you by my side during that time. I needed you with me."
"That's a little selfish don't you think?" I try to deflect from the heavy emotions that flock me, making my eyes sting a little and cutting off sufficient oxygen supply to my lungs which causes a few short breaths to escape my lips.
He smiles absently and studies me as if waiting for me to catch on to something that I should be privy of.
"I've always been selfish with you." he finally says.
Now that I think about it, this is the time that I really feel short of breathe because my head swims a little and a gaspy laugh escapes my throat as I sit upright and avoid his intense eyes.
I'm pretty sure hate doesn't feel like this.