'But his actions speak volumes than any word could ever do.'
I feel scared when Kai's time to come home gets closer and closer with every passing second and he is nowhere to be seen. I want to run away, far and so far away from here, and just forget everything.
I feel like I deserve to just leave to be somewhere dark, somewhere miserable for what I did to Kai.
I don't deserve to live in a world where Kai is my man.
How can I throw his mother to him the way I just did last Sunday?
Every passing second is passing with my heartbeat.
I can feel my confidence crawl away as seconds turn into minutes and minutes into hours and Kai is still a no-show.
I feel worried that he is not home when I know he should but then as time passes my worry starts to turn into anger.
Where would he go without saying anything to me?
Is he moving on from me already?
Would Kai do me like that?
Well I threw his mother in his face like I did, I guess it would not surprise me if I gave him no other option.
Feeling the annoyance and fear maybe that what I was thinking was true, I dropped off everything I wanted to do that night and just walked away feeling sorry and so miserable in bed.
I decide to call it a night and just deal with whatever this man wants me to go through with tomorrow.
I get to hear when Kai comes home but am too sleepy to do anything.
I hear footsteps in my room but I don't hear them walk out because am in deep sleep by then.
The next morning, I have no desire to go out of bed at all.
I feel like I want even to cancel studying but unfortunately for me, I gave that luxury of doing that away when I decided I was going to start earlier in college than I intended.
I get out of bed and just brush my teeth when I hear a knock on the door but Kai gets it.
I know it's Tiffany so I walk downstairs with books.
I don't even bother changing from pjs because I feel broken and it gets worse walking downstairs and finding Kai talking and laughing with Tiffany.
It's so sore to me that before I know it, I let out an annoyed scoff that I know they heard and just head to the living room.
They both come following me.
"Good morning, Sam."
"Morning," I reply with a flat morning to Tiffany.
Was last night not enough really for him that he had to annoy me so early in the morning too.
"Samantha, may I talk to you for a minute?" I turn to glare at Kai before looking at Tiffany and then rolling my eyes at both of them.
Whatever.
I turn and head outside of the house, if he does not have whatever he needs for the day, am sorry for him but I am not going to let him back into the house because I have had enough.
What he's done was enough.
He closes the door behind him as I turn to glare at him.
"What do you want?"
"Good morning darling." I roll my eyes. "Is that all you wanted?" I ask him and feel annoyed when he just stands there and stares at me like the way he is staring at me.
"Samantha am sorry I missed dinner last night, I did not realize you had plans for us however am so sorry I will make it up to you."
"Do not bother and that was not for either you or the so-called us, I just wanted to have a good dinner by myself and unfortunately I fell asleep before I did that," I comment to him not even wanting to give him a single hope of knowing that while he was moving on from somewhere I was here thinking of him like a loser.
I know I was doing just that but he does not have to know.
"If you have nothing else to say I have so much to do so if you will excuse me," I say annoyingly and try to pass him to walk back inside.
"May I take you out tonight?"
"I will think about it." I don't give him a chance to say anything more.
I quickly rush into the house and lean on the door as I ponder upon what I just did.
Is he the one at fault? Or I am?
Jeez, I feel like if no one stops, I will be going crazy so soon.
"Are you okay?" I look up at Tiffany and nod. "Yeah, ready?" I ask her when am pretty sure that word should be directed to me.
Am I ready? No, big fat no.
Tiffany smiles and calls me to go study, it turns out to be such a big day that we almost miss lunch but since I did not have supper last night or breakfast I feel like am dying of hunger at three.
"What are going to cook this late? We should order something?" I shook my head at Tiffany.
"There are leftovers from last night," I say and turn to her as I am already walking to the kitchen.
"I will hit it up."
It's when I have served us and we are eating that I hear Tiffany say.
"Is everything okay between you and Mr Royal?" I smile.
"You make me want to run for the hills when you call him that, for Pete's sake he is your brother." She shrugs her shoulders smilingly.
"That man intimidates me."
"Well, that man that intimidates you is your brother," I say to her and she shrugs shaking her head.
"Let's stop talking about him, who even brought him into this conversation?" I laugh, seriously?
"You did."
"Well, let's take him out." I shrug and let her have her way because it's not like I want to be talking about him either. We continue eating while we converse about something else.
But luckily for that, I at least got to know that Kai wasn't late last night moving on from me but that he had dinner with his mother.
The rest of the afternoon gets so busy and Tiffany is so kind to add more hours to what we studied so we can approach the exam time when I am as much ready as I can get.
She leaves so late in the night.
"Are you ready to keep studying at this speed?" I nod my head at her.
"Yes Tiffany, am determined, and thank you really for adding additional hours to help. You did not have to do it."
"I can argue and say that we are family?"
With me on the way to ending with Kai probably not.
"I guess, well drive safe." She smiles at me.
"Goodnight Sam."
"Goodnight professor." She smiles at me one last time and I stand there and watch her till she makes it out of the gates.
I sigh and walk back in the house, locking the doors behind me.
I walk to the living room for my phone, I have it in focus but I pause when I realize the missed calls I have from Kai.
They are six missed calls with a text message asking me if I agreed on going out with him.
Shit!
I sigh and walk upstairs to look for him and at least excuse myself if he hadn't seen it already that I was studying.
Walking into what used to be our bedroom since last week, my hand trembles as it towers at the top of the doorknob.
What am I scared or nervous about?
I sigh and shrug my shoulders before I open the door and make my way in.
The room is as I remember it but there is no Kai in it.
I try the bathroom and walk-in closet but he is not there.
I realize if he is not in here then he might be working in his home office.
I walk to it and open it peeking my head inside to see if he is here.
"Samantha." He calls turning around his chair to look at me.
The office is dimly dark, he only has a simple light that is on the table lighting the whole room.
I can not see his eyes or demeanor but something tells me his troubled.
"Kai."
"Hey switch on the light." I do on my way closer to him in his home office.
As the lights get on, I realize this is my first time coming in here besides when he gave me the tour when we got here.
The room is nothing special, with an office table and chair located just in front of a tall bookshelf filled with books.
There is also other shelf of book on the side of the wall that faces the window at the top of that shelf there are two frames of art I don't know of.
The floors are carpeted.
I look back at Kai and he has his eyes on me too. His eyes run down on my body from head to toe taking his time and it's when I look down at what am wearing only to be reminded is my silk blue short gown with its matched shirt with floppy slippers.
He looks back in my eyes. "Hey," I say to him and he just nods his head.
I feel like I want to turn and run out of here but looking at Kai with a glass of brown liquor, I know something is wrong.
"Are you okay?" I ask slowly while approaching him.
"Why do you ask?"
I shoot my eyes at the glass in his hands.
"You are drinking." He nods again.
"Uh this?" I quirk my eye brows at him.
"It's just one glass, Samantha."
"But you did not answer my question." He shoots a look my way.
"Want an honest answer?" I nod.
"I don't know if am okay or not." Well apart from it being an honest answer, I realize it's also a heavy one.
But I know, I may be part of it.
"Kai…" I look away suddenly feeling scared. "Can we talk?" He holds my gaze but I can't support it, it's so full of emotions that is making me feel way worse. I just turn my head and look away.
"Am sorry." I look back at him when he says that and for a moment I wonder if he's said it or not.
"I…I didn't tell you about my mother because I don't love her, I… I was so caught off guard when you said…"
"I am sorry I said it in the first place, Kai I did not mean it. I swear I did not." I interrupt him and say rushingly, I don't even think I am making sense.
"I uh." I look down at my feet feeling ashamed of what am going to say.
"I projected my insecurities on you, my sister doing that to me and my family siding with her triggered something in me that…that I don't know how to heal from. I have tried, I thought pretending that it didn't matter if they did that to me was going to work but as we both know that was a total disaster on my part." I stopped when I felt a hold on my hands I kept fidgeting because of how nervous I was.
"It's not a disaster." I shake my head not looking up at him.
"That is wrong kai, I—I can't keep doing that to too you, I can't keep hurting you with my insecurities. I know you love me and I really don't doubt your love for me for even a second. So that's why I," I finally look up in his eyes as I say the next words.
"That's why am going to use special or professional guidance in getting better. I want that behind me, I want what my family did behind us. It shouldn't be in between what you and I have and am really really sorry for bringing your mother like that. I really did not mean it." He looks at me and I think I catch a glint and what seems to be a small smile on his lips.
He raises one of his hands and caresses my cheek slowly. I look into his ocean-like gaze feeling like I am soaking in the moment like am drowning in an ocean.
It reminds me of all those times I used to drown in them when I was his secretary and feel like I was so deep in them but so far away at the moment.
Soft lips tugging at mine pull me out of my thoughts, I realize Kai is kissing me so gently but so intensely at the same moment.
It's so intensely beautiful, I love how his lips are taking mine so tenderly on a rodeo kiss.
He pulls away allowing me to breathe but he is so full of emotional caring you can feel it all around us and I like it.
He hasn't said anything back to what I said but his actions speak volumes than any word could ever do.
I feel my heart quench when he pulls me in his arms and rests his head on the brook of my neck.
I put my arms around his neck too and allow us to dwell in emotions floating around us.
I can feel him breathing me in.
I realize I might have touched Kai's soul or made him okay with my words.
We hold each other for some time, allowing our bodies and our heats to comfort one another for us.
"I love you very much, darling." My heart melts by the emotions in his voice.
"I love you too, Kai," I say moving my hands in his hair.
God what was I doing really hurting my man like this?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~