'Our souls are intertwined that I can hear it screaming at mine to save hers'
I know something is off with Samantha but I do not push her because it's not like I have given her reasons to not trust me.
Or maybe I had?
I don't know, I don't but it's really sad and so depressing knowing your lover is going through something that you can tell they are going through but they do not bother to tell you.
It makes you go to the dark places that mostly aren't safe to go to while unprotected like I am.
You start questioning yourself about what you did to make her not tell you what is going on in her life.
You start pointing fingers at yourself that maybe you neglected her. The what ifs and so much thinking fill your mind up and eat you up that if you were unshielded you would find yourself doing the worst.
I have tried to get Samantha to tell me what is going on with her because I know something is going on with her for sure.
I had found my heartbeat beating up for her, alongside hers, whatever hers are unsettled mine is too. Even though she would lock herself a million miles away from the world, I know I will always know if something is wrong with her.
Our souls are intertwined that I can hear it screaming at mine to save hers however I hate how she is completely shut me off too.
I don't know how or what happened because one moment we were fine and the other she was not.
But regardless I don't hover over her nor make it hard for her to tell me what is wrong as much as it hurts and pains me to be shut out of her pain.
This is not me and Samantha at all. From the moment we met we were never like this.
Many words I get from her since Friday night when she stormed away from me they are like twenty if I were to count them.
She spent the whole weekend in bed, not crying nor doing anything just laying there.
I had to force her to eat something yesterday but this day too she has not eaten anything and it's starting to get me very worried. What did I do?
I put an orange juice on the food tray alongside the waffles, fruit salad, and mashed potatoes that I made for her before I walked upstairs to the room.
I don't knock I push the door open and walk in with a tray of food in my hands.
"I brought you food," I say to Samantha. She is sleeping facing the other way giving me her back and when she doesn't reply I think that she is maybe asleep, but it's already two in the afternoon and she is not showing signs of waking up which is worrying me.
How do I approach this?
I walk to her side and realize she is lying there staring at nothing in particular.
"Samantha?" I call but she doesn't budge. I put the tray of food on her nightstand and touch her arm softly but her being so deep in thoughts seems to startle her.
"Kai."
"Yes darling," I say and she looks like she is caught off guard.
"When did you walk in?" She asks pushing herself back on the bed's headboard.
"Not long, I brought you food," I say showing her her nightstand. She looks at it and then back at me.
I hold her gaze for a moment but she suddenly looks down on her lap as she plays with her fingernails.
I know she is hiding something from me and it's starting to bother me.
"Samantha," I say moving my hand on her cheek. I tilt her head to look at me but her gaze looks anywhere else in the room but in mine.
"You…you are hurting me, sweetheart," I say to her.
It's in a few seconds that her face crumbles when she says nothing and just lets out a broken cry.
I feel something shift inside of me but I still pull Samantha in my arms and rest her head on my chest as she cries.
"Everything is going to be alright Samantha. Don't cry, darling." I say to Samantha as she breaks in my arms while I run my fingers in her hair wanting to soothe and take as much pain and hurt as she is feeling to myself.
What did I do to make her feel this way? She cries for some time now before she slowly pulls away and looks at me with torn eyes.
"Am sorry."
"Shhh, stop apologizing Samantha. Am sorry I made you cry, am sorry I hurt you that I have you feeling this way but please, please talk time to me. Punish me in many ways as many as you want but not in the way of you pulling away from me. Tell me what I did so I can correct myself for you. Make me a better man darling, tell me." I say holding her gaze with my hand slowly caressing her cheek.
I feel my heart skip a beat when she leans in my touch and kisses my palm before she leans in my touch further.
"Why are you so perfect?" I look in her teary eyes and my heart breaks as much as it swells from how she is looking at me.
"No one is perfect darling." She lets out a chuckle. "No, you are." I shake my head but I can feel my cheeks grow a little red from her words.
"I have my flaws Samantha and this is why I want you to come to me whenever they collide with you and not just bottle anything up alone." She looks away bitting on her lower lip.
"This was never about you Kai." She says slowly and even though she is not looking at me, I still nod my head at her.
"My…my sister is lost since last Friday." I reach for her hands and hold them in mine.
She turns to look at our hands and then finally up at me.
"I… I heard about it Friday, my brother told me and uh I don't know I think it messed with my thinking because it made me start thinking about all those things and they pushed me to a place I don't want to be at."
I give her hands a little squeeze.
"Samantha." She gulps and looks at me. "What things?"
"I don't know what we are doing Kai, yes am here, am your girlfriend but… some things freaked me out recently, look as how my sister stabbed me behind my back, my whole family let me down when I have known them my whole life. Kai I-I feel… I feel like you do not give me a reason to be here… here with you." I can feel myself surprised and taken by surprise with that.
I watch her pulling her hands out of mine and her words replay in my head again.
You do not give me a reason to be here with you.
"What do you mean?"
She turns her gaze to look into mine.
"That is it, I do not know also."
"Samantha you know am not like your family and the love we have for one another is unique and great, our love is different." She shakes her head and I start wondering where I went wrong with her.
"Please don't give me empty words Kai, this just opened my eyes. My father, my mother, and my family had known me since the first day I entered this life and they were capable of tossing me to the side the way they did, please stop giving me empty words."
"What do you want me to do to prove to you that I love you Samantha, that I want you to be the woman beside me my whole fucking life, I want life with you. What more do you want me to do to prove it for you?"
She holds my gaze, I look into her honey-like gaze and wonder what is roaming in them alongside that pretty head of hers.
"Tell me what happened between you and your mother?"
"What?" I ask feeling taken aback again. "What?" I asked again to make sure I heard her right.
She stands up from the bed rests her arms on her waist and stares at me.
"Tell me? Give me something that guarantees me we are in this together. You do not trust me."
"Samantha no, what are you even talking about? You know me not saying anything regarding my mom is not because I do not trust you and you know that."
"No I don't." She has a fire in her gaze that tells me that this is coming from something else.
But I am starting to hate her bringing my mother into this.
I clench my jaw angrily. "Samantha do not bring my mother into this, uhm… am not ready to talk about it yet."
"What's so hard if it's not because you don't trust me." I shake my head now getting angrier.
"I can not believe you are going to pin this against me. Samantha is trying to be here for you, why can't you see it."
She glares at me and I stand up too.
"Samantha, please let's calm down."
"No, get the fuck out of this room. I can not believe you are a liar just like this. Kai, why would you?" She walks closer to me and starts throwing her fists on my chest.
"Why would you turn out to be a liar too?" She goes crazy on me and my heart breaks at every fist she throws and every cry coming out of her mouth.
"You lied to me. You do not trust me. I doubt you even love me. You are such a liar like everybody else." I can't take it anymore.
I pull her tightly to me and caress her back soothingly calming her down as I tug her closer to my chest.
"You are a liar, Kai, you lied to me." Her voice is so broken, so sad that it makes me feel like a total asshole for making her feel this way because I didn't tell her the reason why my relationship with my mother was like a relationship that was not there.
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