"Baby." I closed the door behind me and turned on the light.
Huddled inside the white duvets was the reason I strove to be better everyday. The reason I worked 16+ hours everyday without considering the stress. The only reason I could say I was not a total failure. Not my degree, not my job, not my books. Just my 8 year old daughter. She was my life.
"Mama." She came out from the blankets and opened her arms wide. I stepped into those arms and let them wrap themselves around me. For those few seconds, her little arms felt like the biggest and the warmest duvet in the world and I reveled in them.
"How was your day, bebe?" She shrugged. Mikayla had never been quite the chatterbox but sometimes I wished she opened up a little bit more. I was a psychotherapist, you'd think getting my own daughter to communicate more with me would be easy but nope, Mikayla was reclusive.
"I know we were supposed to go to the new diner today but I got an important job and I couldn't pull out of it. I'm sorry, bebe." She nodded slowly and that action tore my heart apart.
"It's fine."
"No, it's not sweetheart. I'm sorry. We'll go tomorrow." I offered and she shrugs again.
I looked around her room. A violin case hung on the wall, a piano at the window, a few trophies and medals on the dresser table, a couple ballet shoes on the rack. I just wanted my baby to succeed. To live a fruitful life and not have to struggle. To be happy.
"I got the toy you said you wanted." I handed her the ToysRus package I took from my office. "Here, it got delivered today."
She snatched the package in excitement and my heart danced joyfully. The fact that Kayla rarely ever got excited made the outrageously expensive toy worth its price.
"Thank you, thank you, thank you." She sputtered and gave me a loud kiss on the cheek that melted my heart. I returned the kiss on her forehead before pulling her into a hug.
"Now go to sleep. We'll talk tomorrow." I ran my fingers through her hair. Hers were soft and curly unlike my tightly coiled hair. She nods and slinked back into the cocoon of blankets.
"Goodnight mama." Her muffled voice called from inside the duvets.
"Goodnight bebe. I love you."
"I love you too." Four words that always brought sunshine to my gloomy world even if it was for a few minutes.
I turned off the light and went out to the living room. Nelly as expected was sprawled out on the floor and eating her second bag of chips, the empty one beside her.
"You're a slob." I stepped over her and smack her arms.
"None of your damn business. So how did the talk go?" She jerked her head towards Jasmine's room.
I let out a tired breath. "Okay, I guess. The toy kinda made up for it. I hope."
Nelly looked at me with a blank expression for a couple seconds. I couldn't help but fidget a little under her scrutiny.
"What?" I barked out defensively. She gave me a bored look before going back to her chips.
"Nothing. Kayla's a good kid. She's simple, won't really give you crap for slacking."
In contrast to her calm voice, my insides were seething with anger. Red-hot anger. How dare she call me a slacker?
"The fuck you mean by slacking? I'm doing the best I can. Working from 8am to 11pm. That's hardly slacking so it's best you revert your words." I growled.
"I said what I said and I meant what I said. Yeah, you're doing aight in the hustler lane. What about as a mom? You're doing pretty terribly there. I'd be the last fucking person to lie to you and believe me, you're slacking in that aspect. Take it or leave it." She shrugged and switched on the TV.
I didn't know which pissed me off more. Her words or her nonchalance. Either way, I was furious and couldn't stop my voice from increasing.
"Shut the fuck up, dipshit. I am doing the best I can and I slave my life away to provide for her so I can't afford to sit here and play house mom, okay? I don't need your approval or your accreditation and I sure as hell don't need your opinions either. So shove them up your lil ass."
"Dee, be rational. You make $80,000 without the extra work. That's a lot of money to live with."
"I make 75K without the extra work. I need the extra work to help pay for her recital classes, piano classes, ballet classes and a million other things. I pay house mortgage, car mortgage and a billion other mortgages. Any little slip, we'd be broke so pardon me for being irrational." Her unimpressed look was increasing my anger by the ton.
"All those classes, she don't need them. Just you trying to be fancy." She finally finished her chips and threw the empty bag on the floor.
I replied her in a lethal tone. "You don't get to tell me what my daughter needs, okay? Know your place. Since you're so expert in child raising, why don't you give birth to yours?"
"Nah, I'm good. I'm quite content with how unserious I am with my life at the moment. What's that word? Yes, lackadaisical. I'm very satisfied with being lackadaisical. Children will fuck that up for me." She said matter-of-factly while changing channels effortlessly.
My eyes twitched at her comment. She looked at me and held my gaze. I was not sure which one of us cracked up first but eventually we were both wheezing with laughter on the floor. Nelly did not laugh pretty at all, she always sounded like a drowning fox.
" I don't know why I bother with you. You're clearly retarded." I said amidst laughter.
She shook her head and coughed out more laughs. "Bad word, fucker." I shrugged in response. "But regardless, my best friend's a kissass psychotherapist so I'm good."
That cracked me up again. "¡Cállate! My expertise lies within psychological and emotional affairs. Your problem borders on mental instability, you need a psychiatrist."
She scoffed in mock annoyance and whacked my head with the remote control.
I got up to dispose her empty chips bags in the kitchen and she followed me. My kitchen was a mess as expected. Nelly was a hopeless slob and my kitchen always bore the brunt of her slob. Every single night, regardless of the time, I had to start cleaning the mess she and Mikayla made during the day.
I loaded the dishwasher and ran a wet rag across the kitchen counter. Muttering inaudible curses under my breath, I mopped the kitchen floor and disposed the Tupperware littered around.
"You know Nelly, it won't kill you to keep my house a little tidy."
She opened a can of coke and chugged it before responding. "It might. I'm not taking any fucking chances."
She kept staring and following my movements as I cleaned up the house like she's itching to say something.
"¿Que? Why won't you let me clean up in peace?" Mild irritation took over my entire countenance.
"I'm just concerned about Kayla. She's withdrawn. A little more than usual." She shrugged nonchalantly but I knew better. Nelly was an open book, she was pretty easy to read. Certain actions signified certain emotions for Nelly. At the moment, she was fiddling with her ears. She only did that when she was worried or afraid.
"More than usual?" I prodded and she nodded.
"Yeah. She just keeps looking into space, won't let me read to her anymore, got pretty hysterical when I suggested we walk to the park after you cancelled out on her today. Although she hasn't told me anything yet, I think she might be flunking her piano lessons. Yesterday, her instructor said he needs to have a talk with her parents cos she needs a little 'guidance'. I don't know Dee, Kayla might be …." She stopped mid-sentence and shrugged again.
I took a deep breath and slowly expelled it. I didn't mind my life being a mess, hell it was already a mess. Mikayla however was a completely different story. My life was in disarray so that hers could be perfect. Everything I did, I did for her. So hearing Nelly talk about her struggling was no joke to me. Tears of anxiety threatened to gather in my eyes and I roughly rubbed them away. It was not the time to be emotional, I had to be logical.
"What do I do, Lee? Maybe she needs a new school." Nelly shook her head, exasperation written all over her features.
"You're fucking missing the point. Mikayla is lonely." I scrunched my face in confusion at her words.
"What do you mean lonely? She's with people 24/7. Her classmates, her teachers, you. That's a lot of people." I reasoned.
"At this point, you should consider taking up therapy cos what the hell? Mikayla is lonely. She craves her parents. Right now, you're the only one in the picture. So yeah, she wants you around more often. Sending her to more classes is just going to push her deeper into her shell. Even I know that and you're the therapist. WeCare Inc should give you a Worst Employee Ever award."
"I resent that." I glared at her and pouted. "But what do I do? I can't leave my job to stay at home with her." Nelly gave me a baffled look before dropping her empty can on the countertop.
"Now I understand why studies show most therapists have broken homes. They probably don't put their own counsels to work. Fucking hypocritical lot!" She sneered before leaving the kitchen.
"Fuck you, Lee." Her laughter rang out in the hallway. "And stop messing up my damn house." I swiped her can and discarded it.
I spent the next 30 minutes cleaning the house and eventually took a shower.
11:35pm.
Time to finally rest for the first time in the day.
I turned off the lights in the living room and went into Mikayla's room. I atoned for my unavailability during the day by sleeping beside her at night. Maybe that was not enough. I should take a sick day leave and stay with Mikayla for the day. Gosh, when was the last time I did that? I racked my brain for a couple seconds and recoiled in disgust. I couldn't remember.
I sent an email to Amber explaining the symptoms of my sudden 'ailment' and why I wouldn't be able to come to work for the next two days. I ended the mail with an "I'm so sorry for any inconveniences that may occur as a result of this." Personally, I thought that line had a nice ring to it.
I wrapped my arms around Kayla's torso and she snuggled into my embrace. My solution for a good night sleep was Mikayla's warmth so I tightened my arms around her and the world went dark
A crash followed by loud cursing jerked me awake from my sleep. I abruptly sat and Mikayla grumbled in her sleep before turning away. I grabbed my night wrap and opened the door cautiously. Nothing was in sight so I slowly left the room. More cursing filled the static. Nelly's voice
"Nelly?" I called out
"Dee? In the kitchen." Her raspy voice sounded surprised and annoyed
Nelly was standing at the coffee maker, arms akimbo and a shattering of ceramics at her feet. I stared at the fragments in slight confusion
"I broke a cup, okay? It's not fucking rocket science." She huffed, then proceeded to get another. "Why are you here anyways? Aren't you supposed to be at work? I can't remember the last time I saw you by this time." She filled the cup with coffee and handed it to me
I took a sip of the scalding liquid. "I took a sick leave.
Her brows quirked in skepticism and she gave me a slow once-over. "But you look perfectly fine to me." She filled another cup for herself
"I didn't say I was sick. I only took a sick leave.
Confusion clouded her features. "Why?
"I think I should stay in with Mikayla today. It's been ages plus I need to take her to that diner." She nodded slowly.
"Oh…." She took a sip and hummed in satisfaction. "I guess yesterday's shit got to you, huh?" I shrugged and raised my mug to my mouth. "I didn't mean to sound like a judgemental bitch though."
"Oh no, you did." I glared and she chuckled quietly.
"Yeah, you're right. I did." She laughed at my scowl. "But at least it paid off." I rolled my eyes.
"Yeah, whatever. Get out of my house."
She gave me a smug look. "Oh, I will. After finishing this coffee."
"And cleaning up that mess."
She scrunched her face in confusion. "What mess?"
I stared pointedly at the rubble on the floor and back at her. She nodded in understanding. "Oh yeah, that. Not happening. Your house, your mess." She dropped her dirty mug in the sink and threw me a wink. I scowled.
"Just get out. Please."
"Mmmmkay. I'll make that call to Brody and reschedule another booty call. Please regardless of what happens, don't call me."
I scoffed. "Goodluck with that."
She left the kitchen and minutes later, the showers came on. Finally finishing my own coffee, I washed both our mugs and left them to air dry..
"Mi vida, chau." Nelly called out gleefully as she went home.
In the silence that ensued after Nelly's exodus, I planned activities for Mikayla and I.
" " . " . . . . . .