"Mama, will you still be able to stay again tomorrow? Or aunt Lee will stay with me like she always does?" Even though I was sure she asked the question with the purest intentions, it still felt like a slap on my face and I couldn't help but shrink away a little. Today had been beautiful and terrible for me. Beautiful because I got to spend quality time with my daughter like every normal parent should. Terrible because I realized I never spent quality time with my daughter like a normal parent should.
"Of course, baby. Tomorrow's Sunday, we'll go to church together too." Kayla's joyful shriek felt like a sharp knife to my already bleeding heart. Of course she'd scream, I always went to work on Sundays, leaving Nelly to take her to church. The fact that Nelly spent more time with my daughter than I did was making my breathing rate increase in annoyance. I had always known that but I'd never actually thought about it until that moment.
As we drove home, I watched Mikayla from the rearview mirror. She wasn't as reclusive as I'd always thought she was. Although not too talkative, she'd been quite carefree. Just as expected of an 8 year old. Whenever I came back from work and went in to talk to her, her replies were always monosyllabic and drab. I let out a deep sigh that reverberated in the moving box. Was I the reason she was always withdrawn? If I was in a therapy session with myself, I'd have told me that my lack of attention was making my daughter reclusive.
You've been a bad parent, Debbie.
My subconscious mocked me in the guise of Diego's voice and I cursed under my breath. The truth was not just bitter, it was disgustingly revolting. I hadn't been the most ideal parent and I hated myself at the moment. What was I supposed to do though?
"Mama, let's bake a cake after church tomorrow. Nana made me almond cake last week."
I nodded slowly, I had no idea to be honest. "Ohhhh? How was it? I'm sure you enjoyed it."
She shook her head vehemently. "Aunt Lee helped me eat it. I hate almonds, they are so nasty."
I blinked repeatedly, anyone would think I got something in my eyes. Maybe something really was in my eyes. The glaring truth of my bad parenting. "You hate almonds?" She nodded with her eyes looking out the window. "When did you start hating them?"
"I don't know, I just know I do though. Aunt Lee knows this, she was the one who told Nana not to bake almond cakes for me again." I flinched again at her mention of Nelly. Wow, I really was terrible.
I took a deep breath to calm my breathing and also to prevent the tears at the edge of my eyes from spilling. "Well, it's good we got that cleared up. No almond cakes then. So what cake flavour do you like most? It used to be red velvet."
"Chocolate cake."
My heart sunk a little. I didn't know why but I felt like I'd have felt a little better if she'd said her favorite flavor was still red velvet. "Alright then. I'll make chocolate cake with chocolate ganache and mocha filling. Trust me, you'll love it."
I caught her grin from the rearview mirror and returned it. "I'm already in love, mama."
I kept turning the dial, looking for a radio station that'd play nice songs. Preferably the ones I could sing along too. Once I got one that played an upbeat song I really liked, I cranked up the volume and ignored Kayla's hiss of displeasure. The moment I got to a red light stop, I couldn't hold it any longer so I reduced the music to a barely audible sound and turned to glare at the surly looking kid in my backseat.
"Okay, what's it? I can't sing around you anymore?"
She looked at me for a second before looking out the window. "It's not you."
I looked back at the traffic light. 26 seconds more. "So it's who then? You?"
She shrugged. "I just hate music. Maybe."
My brows quirked in skepticism. "What are you saying, Kayla? You've been playing the piano since you were 3. How could you possibly hate music? You literally make music."
She opened her mouth like she wanted to say something but then thought against it. Shaking her head, she let out a deep breath. "It's fine. I didn't think you'd understand anyways."
"What do you mean, Mikayla?" She ignored me and I decided to drop it for the moment. She had just started opening up to me, I shouldn't expect her to start spitting everything everytime I demanded. Small steps. I reminded myself and hummed tunelessly as I drove. Mikayla had strangled my music bone at the moment so I had to settle for humming.
"Mama, where are you going to? You're driving past our house." Mikayla spoke again for the first time since our little red light stop altercation.
"Uhmm, the store. I need to get stuffs for our chocolate cake tomorrow. I don't think we have enough things at home, plus I haven't gone grocery shopping in a fat minute. I could do that right now." I explained as I drove past our building.
At the store, the lady at the till greeted Kayla in a really friendly manner. She looked like she was familiar with her, she'd probably seen Mikayla several times. Then she looked at me and scrunched her face in puzzlement. She didn't know me but I was pretty sure she knew Nelly. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes, it seemed like the whole universe was conniving to ridicule me.
"Mikayla." My daughter smiled at the woman and gestured towards me.
"Hilda, this is my mum." Kayla pointed at the till lady. "Mama,that is Hilda. She runs the store."
I nodded and smiled politely at the lady. "Hello, how are you doing?"
She stretched her slim hand for a handshake and I took it. "I'm good. Hope you're having a beautiful weekend?" I pulled Kayla to my side and nodded. "She always come here with her babysitter. I guess she's off duty today."
I suppressed the impulse to growl at the smiling woman. "Uhmm, not really. I just wanted to stay with her today, I'm usually extremely busy."
"I figured. What do you want to buy? Will you need help locating them?" Although I knew I would, I really didn't want to walk alongside the lady. She seemed like the type that liked to get very friendly and maybe even nosey. My fuse was already short, the slightest provocation could make me ignite.
"Nah, I'm good. Mikayla will help me out. Thanks for the offer though."
She nodded and I walked away with Kayla. After a few seconds, I realized she was useless as a guide. She didn't know the sections in the store so we had to resort to asking other customers for directions. When we got to the baking section, I decided I should also get a new cake pan. At last minute, I put a tin of espresso powder in my shopping cart. My little miss insisted I put her inside the shopping cart as well and I obliged.
After paying for the things, we headed home. Mikayla walked slowly with me as I struggled to take all the bags inside. There's nothing I hated more than making a trip to the car twice, I'd rather carry a 100 tonnes load once. When we got inside the house, Kayla rushed to the bathroom while I arranged the things we'd procured in the kitchen. The shrill sound of my phone ringtone made me put a pause on that activity. I glanced at the screen before picking the call.
"Madison."
There was a lot of chatter in the background and I frowned. If she was at a party, why couldn't she just wait till she got home before calling me? What was so important that she couldn't wait to tell me?
"Debbie, I've been calling since forever. Why didn't you come today? You work everyday and of all the days not to show up, you chose today?"
I raised my brows in question although she couldn't see it. "What's so special about today?"
She gasped and I rolled my eyes. Madison was the queen of drama. I always thought she'd make an excellent sitcom actress. "Don't tell me you forgot, Dee."
I grunted to express my impatience, I didn't have time for her dramatics. "Madison, I'm really busy right now. Can you just say what you called for and allow me go back to what I was doing?"
She huffed in the reciever. "Today was the swearing-in ceremony of the new CEO. The one that was tagged compulsory. And guess who was absent? Deborah Rodriguez."
I gasped in sheer horror. "Oh my God."