Touzai High that Kouichi attended was a recently built private high school. It didn't require any special entrance exams and the GPA that earned you acceptance wasn't very high, not to mention it was located at the center of the town, so the total number of students was a huge number of nearly 2000 students. There were nearly 100 teachers as well.
Each grade had a different section dedicated to it, so there was no reason to bump into the freshman's teachers unless you were moving from class to class or walking near the teacher's lounge. After yesterday's incident, Kouichi saw him just after a day, which was today. During lunch, Kouichi was standing in frnot of the only juice vending machine in school. He was about to insert a 100 yen coin, but like a fool he had dropped it. So he had lowered his body to pick it up. At that moment he had felt the presence of someone passing behind him.
He straightened himself and turned to look. When he realized that it was the man from yesterday, his heart grew cold. The man numbly wandered down the hallway wearing streotypical teachers' clothing of brown pants, long-sleeved shirt and unfashionable neck tie. His head was lowered. He passed by Kouichi, who was just one of the students, without recognizing him. Even though they were within touching distance of each other, even though he had said "I want to meet you" to him yesterday, he did not recognize him. It was a strange feeling.
After he returned to his classroom, a straw attached to the pack of juice in his mouth, Kouichi took out the post-it with phone number written on it that he had stuck in his wallet. After he went home yesterday, he kept thinking about it--should he call him or not?
If he called and told him honestly, the man would get hurt for sure. But Kouichi wouldn't continue to feel guilty over this. If he didn't call him, this whole incident will fade out. It'll be easier to do, but he'd continue to feel bad about it.
Even though it was annoying, he really should give him a call. Just when he decided that, the crinkled note was snatched from his fingers.
"What the heck is this?"
He tried to take the note back, but Kakimoto flipped his hand over like a butterfly.
"Just whose phone number is this? Since a while ago you kept glaring at it and looked constipated, so you were getting on my nerve."
"None of your beeswax; give it back."
Ignoring troubled Kouichi, he lightly flipped the note over. Kakimoto sat across from him and whispered near his ear: "Is it Endou's phone number?"
Watching Kouichi's startled eyes grow wide, Kakimoto grinned.
"Not that I really wanted to see, but I happened to see the two of you walking together in a really friendly manner. I think Endou has strange hobbies, but everyone has his or her tastes, so it's cool."
Kouichi wrinkled up the note in his hands and bluntly replied, "It's not a girl's phone number."
Kakimoto frowned for a second. Kouichi hurriedly avoided his eyes. Kakimoto was a man with almost frighteningly sharp instincts and Kouichi had never lied to Kakimoto before.
"Whose phone number is it then, a man's? Come to think of it, weren't you supposed to meet that letter dude yesterday?"
"I, uh, have to go to the bathroom for a sec."
He stood up, but Kakimoto hung on to his right hand tightly. When Kouichi turned to look at him, Kakimoto smiled up at him. But his eyes were not smiling.
"I'd like to hear what happened yesterday in detail."
*
"You MORON. What, is your brain filled with sex?"
Kakimoto glared at Kouichi, deeply frowning. The rooftop was windy and cold, so no one else was there. Kouichi got angry and yelled, but in the end he roughly confessed what happened yesterday. However, he didn't tell him that the other guy was their school's teacher.
"No matter how much you wanted to go out with Endou, just what are you going to do from now on? I've already advised you against this mess."
Kouichi retorted in a small voice.
"He just wouldn't give up. I made him wait for so long... And he liked me..."
"No matter how sorry you feel, it's not like you can go out with him. Then it's kinder to tell him right then and there. But don't you think it's so cruel to say things to him so he'd look forward to the next time? If he's such a diligent, straight-forward man like you say he is, he'll probably wait for your call every single day."
At Kakimoto's announcement, it really felt like that's how it would be.
Kouichi clutched his head in his hands and muttered, "What do I do?"
"Call him, even today, and tell him the reason and end this. That's called good manners."
As if chasing after Kouichi, who had lowered his head, Kakimoto heavily sighed.
*
The man answered the phone after just one ring. Even though he had prepared for this, he became anxious right away.
「Yes.」
"Is, is this Mr. Itou's residence?"
「Yes?」
"I'm Satomi... Um... Last time we've met, right?"
「Ah, yes.」
Unlike Kouichi who was very anxious, the man's voice was quiet and relaxed.
"I've called you because I had something to say."
The man said nothing from the other side. He wondered if he had hung up and asked again without thinking, "Itou-san?"
「Ah, I'm sorry. I was spaced out for a minute there. I never thought that you would really call me, so I was really surprised...」
Image of the man who walked down the hallway numbly flashed in Kouichi's mind.
"Did you think that I wouldn't call you?"
「To tell you the truth, yes. You didn't seem to like me very much, so I thought I had no chance. So I am very happy that you've called me.」
He really did sound happy. Kouichi thought, 'Oh, crap!' but it was already too late.
「I wanted to talk to you more. It's weird for me to say this about myslf, but I'm not good with people and I can't really talk with someone I've met for the first time. So I knew I've made you uncomfortable.」
"Oh, really..."
It was difficult to say something to the man who was chirping so happily from the other side, so Kouichi replied shortly. If he told him the truth right here, right now, what would the man think? He remembered the slightly shaking shoulders he saw when they were parting the day before yesterday.
「Can we meet this week's Sunday?」
He couldn't think up of an excuse not to go at that moment.
"Uh, yes... Okay."
「2 PM, at the same store as before.」
He thought he was in a deep shit, but it was already too late. The Sunday appointment had already been decided upon.
"Okay. ...Um, I'm sorry, but I'm busy, so..."
He wanted to hang up as soon as possible.
「Is that so? Thank you so much for calling me despite your busy schedule. Then I will see you on Sunday. Sleep tight.」
After replacing the receiver, Kouichi sighed.
Kakimoto you stupid bastard, he screamed inside his mind. What the hell are you talking about, saying he was waiting for my call? He said he hadn't been expecting my call at all. If I hadn't called him, it would've just ended like this, he thought. Instead he became all anxious and called him, and not only did he raise his expectations, he couldn't even tell him that he didn't want to meet him any longer.
Anyway, he had to meet him and talk to him one more time. He looked at the calender. He didn't even need to make sure that this Sunday was 5 days away.
*
As soon as the man saw Kouichi, he smiled a bit nervously, just like the first time they've met. As if infected by the man's nervousness, Kouichi also forced his cheeks into a smile. He slowly walked to where the man was waiting for him. If he walked faster, he felt like he would completely forget the "words of good-bye" that he had practiced again and again yesterday.
"Today's warm, isn't it?"
Like that, the man started a conversation with Kouichi who was about to sit down.
"Huh? E, excuse me?"
The man looked uncomfortable as he lowered his head at Kouichi's stammered question.
"Nothing; I was just saying that we have a nice weather today, so it's warmer than normal today..."
"That's right."
By the time he sat down, the "words of good-bye" that Kouichi prepared so hard yesterday had completely been wiped out from his brain.
"If you have nothing to do after this, won't you go to the art museum with me? They're doing a show on wood printings right now."
"I'm sorry, but I..."
Whatever. A blank mind or not, there was only one thing he had to say. Kouichi prepared for the worst scenario.
"I won't go," he firmly said. The man cocked his head.
"Do you have something else to do?"
"No, I... To tell you the truth, I've lied to you."
The man's eyes widened, and then he slowly dropped his chin to his chest. Just by that he looked hurt. But he couldn't just beat around the bushes now.
"I... am not a college student. I don't really like reading books, either. I wrote all kinds of stuff when I was writing that letter to you so that you'd like me."
He rushed out all those words at once. He was sure he could say it at this rate. Kouichi sighed lightly and opened his mouth to continue talking.
"I don't mind."
It was in a small voice, but that's definitely what the man said. His mouth hanging open, Kouichi couldn't say the next words.
"Don't worry about it."
The man smiled, as if he wanted to put Kouichi's mind at an ease.
"I'd much rather you tell me now than you continue to tell me lies."
"Ah... Um..."
"I'm so relieved that you're an honest person."
"Er..."
He couldn't get the next words out. Why the hell does it always turn out like this?! He wondered as he lowered his head, drinking his coffee.
"I really don't mind at all. Honestly," the man kindly said, as if he was worried about Kouichi. That kind of attitude pissed him off. 'Even if I get dragged around by you, I'm not going to become a gay,' he muttered only in his mind. He gave up.
"Do you like pretty pictures?" The man suddenly asked. When Kouichi sort of nodded his head, the man gave a small smile. "Wood printings are just like pictures. They're very beautiful. They'll make you happy just by looking at them."
He had absolutely no interest in either the wood printings or the man. But he couldn't just go home, either. Today, he even felt the ease of an older man from him. Perhaps it's because he thought Kouichi felt down.
Kouichi thought, I'll tell him on my way back. He could just tell him when they were returning home. He could be nice enough to spend one more day with him. He reluctantly followed the man who left the store ahead of him.
*
Kakimoto had been telling him since early morning, "You're a REAL moron," but he had nothing to say to that, so Kouichi spent the day stretched out on top of his desk.
"There's a limit to how stupid you can get. I mean, if you say you've decided to change your interests and want to go out with him for a long time because you like him so much, then I have nothing to say to you, either, but."
He had no come-backs ready. He really did think of himself as an idiot. In the end, without being able to say any excuses, he went to the museum to look at wood prints with the man. He had no interest, but in the end he really enjoyed it. They've talked a lot.
"But the wood prints were pretty cool. They were pretty, too."
"Oh, really."
Kakimoto's reaction remained cold.
"He's a REALLY nice guy. I mean, I already knew that, but."
Kikimoto placed his hand on top of Kouichi's shoulder.
"Kouichi, dude. I really don't want to attend a wedding with two grooms," he said, sounding only half-joking.
"Next time I'm really going to tell him off," was the only thing Kouichi was able to say.
*
It was like a game, sort of like high school life that could be over any moment.
The third time they met was also that the coffee shop「Marlene」. The man no longer forced himself into a stiff smile like the first time, and his fingers stopped trembling at Kouichi's every word.
Whenever the man did something, he politely asked for Kouichi's permission. He never coerced Kouichi into anything. He was sweet. Kouichi always had a choice.
From Kouichi's point of view, he had always hung out with boys his age. It was fascinating to get to know an older man.
Even though Kouichi was younger, the man always spoke to him politely. It felt good to listen to the deep and gentle voice.
The man who looked gentle and delicate was simplistic inside and out. His gentleness was very vague, so he didn't stand out at all. He never forced his opinions on others, so he felt like he would be practically invisible at times.
"I'm sorry you have to meet me every Sunday. Aren't you tired because of work?"
The man thought that Kouichi was working. Before, he asked Kouichi what kind of work he did. He couldn't tell him that he was a high school student, so he said he didn't want to talk about work even on his days off, and after that the man never asked him about it again.
"Not really..."
"If you are, don't hesitate to tell me." The man smiled. "The weather's really nice today. Do you want to go somewhere?"
Black polo shirt with grey jacket. Brown pants. You couldn't even half-heartedly say that he was fashionable. Looking into his eyes, the man tossed the question out at Kouichi.
"Um... I want to go to the beach."
"Beach, you said?"
It was a whimsical thought. They hopped onto a train. They were shaken up for 30 minutes by the train and they had to go 30 more minutes by bus. They finally reached an ocean with a small sandy beach.
It was the wrong season. The winter sea was cold and polluted, so there was not a children in sight. Somehow Kouichi only had the image of summer ocean in his mind, so he felt disappointed while looking at silent but violent waves and foams. He was the one who wanted to come, so he couldn't just say "Let's go back already." He took a sit far away from the water, on top of the sand.
The man beside him became really excited and taking his shoes off, he walked out to where the waves were.
He couldn't see his ankles because of the crashing waves. He was just standing there. He didn't move at all. While Kouichi was watching him and thinking, 'Just what's so much fun?' the man returned to his side.
"Aren't you cold?"
"I'm not cold."
His purple-colored lips slightly trembled.
"I was so happy to see it again."
"The sea?"
The man dusted the sand under his feet with the tips of his fingernails.
"I lived by the sea until I graduated junior high school. I was so close that when I was sleeping, I was able to hear the waves. After I got into high school I moved out, and since then I've lived alone and have forgotten that I used to live next to the ocean."
"Oh."
"I was so happy to hear the sound of waves again."
"You lived by yourself? You must have applied to a high school really far away."
"I wanted to leave my home town."
"Why?"
The man closed his mouth. As he wondered if he asked him about an uncomfortable topic, the man opened his lips.
"I had a crush on someone. He was my junior high school classmate, and my friend, but I loved him so much that I couldn't bear it. I knew it was weird to love a man, so it made me feel so terrible that I couldn't think of doing anything except leaving."
Silence discended. He had forgotten up til now. This man liked other men. And he was also of an interest to this man. The man looked up at Kouichi sideways. He wasn't sure if it was on purpose or not, but his eyes strangely looked inviting.
"Did I make you upset?"
"Not really."
The way he put both of his hands on top of his curled up legs and put his chin on top made him look like a child. His neck and fingers looked too thin to be that of a man's. His face looked like that of an average man, but it was cleanly organized. Like a bee attracted to sweet honey, he suddenly drew his face near him. The man took his eyeglasses off and softly closed his eyes.
The man's gesture was like a slap to him. Startled, he pulled his body back. The man opened his eyes when his lips were not covered by Kouichi's. He seemed to think Kouichi was playing around with him, because a hurt look crossed his face.
At his face Kouichi became hurt, too. He could've at least given him a kiss. His own thoughts scared him. At least a kiss?! This was a man we're talking about here! His old self would've never thought like this in a million years. He started to become frightened.
They felt awkward towards each other and faced away from each other. After a while, when he glanced at him, the man was stirring the sand with the tip of his finger. His finger was long and delicate. He wanted to hold his hand. If he did something like that, he knew he was making the man expect things from him, but he just couldn't hold back the urge so he gently touched him. The man's finger stopped moving and he lightly held the tips of Kouichi's fingers that pulled at him.
The man did not look at Kouichi. His head lowered, he was continuing to look across at the ocean.
*
I went to the beach.
He asked him where he went over the weekend, so he answered truthfully.
"By youself?" Kakimoto asked, making slurping noises as he ate the school cafeteria's udon (thick noodle soup) in their classroom.
"No."
"Then with whom?"
Kakimoto frowned when Kouichi did not answer.
"It's not him, is it?"
"What do you mean, him?"
"Him. The guy from before."
"It is."
He knew he couldn't hide it, so he gave up and answered. Kakimoto's eyes widened as he stared at Kouichi.
"You're still meeting him? What the hell are you thinking?"
"I didn't have the opportunity to break up with him yet."
"Something smells dangerous, man. That look in your eyes? It changed," Kakimoto seriously said. Thinking he was a weirdo, Kouichi laughed and replied.
"I'm still cool. I only held his hand."
"So?!" Kakimoto made a wide gesture, lifting up his hands. "So normally you think you want to hold my hand or something? No, huh? The fact that you wanted to hold his hand, that you felt like that means something's wrong."
Kouichi was laughing at first, but when Kakimoto kept repeating, 'it's dangerous, it's dangerous', he felt more and more anxious. He had been feeling comfortable, thinking, 'Oh, it's only holding hands. It's only kissing.' He had been feeling confident that he would not do anything beyond that.
"Uh, Kakimoto. Are you seriously thinking that I'm going to want to do it with a guy?"
"I don't know," Kakimoto answered, his face serious.
"We've been friends for like, forever, dude. Of course you'd know."
"I never thought you'd go out with a guy. I never thought that you'd wonder if it's okay to kiss a guy, either. So I can't gurantee that you're never going to want to 「do it」 with a guy."
He swallowed his breath. Hiding his anxiety that made cold sweat run down his back, Kouichi laughed.
"You don't trust me, do you."
"Because you do shit that makes me lose trust in you," Kakimoto spat out.
"It's cool. I know what's right, like everyone else. This is the perfect time."
"What the hell do you mean "perfect time", when you're so deep into it already?!"
That was the last thing they've discussed about the man. The topic moved onto something else quite naturally, but Kouichi was thinking about his next date with the man.
*
Their fourth date was also on Sunday. But he didn't go when the time came. He felt like if he called him and heard his voice, he would not be able to refuse him. He knew it was a terrible thing to do, but he stood him up. The man did not not Kouichi's phone number. There was no way that the man could contact him. If he just let it be, they would naturally break up. He decided to do that.
On the day that he stood him up, he felt like crap all day. He thought that the man would wait for him for hours and hours. The thought made him feel so bad that all day he was fighting with his conscience. A day after that, he felt a little better about the whole thing. At this rate, he felt like he could naturally forget about the man.
*
He saw the man.
2 weeks after he stood him up. He passed him by on his way back from the school cafeteria.
The man had lowered his face as usual, and he obviously did not notice Kouichi. For a second he raised his head, so he wondered if he found him out, but he quickly dropped his gaze. He wondered if the man ignored him on purpose, but knowing the man, he realized that the man couldn't make his face expressionless in a matter of seconds. Even if he saw his face among the students, he would make excuses to himself, saying things like, 'I must be really tired today.'
He was a quiet man whom you could find a dime a dozen in the streets. After he passed him, for some reason he suddenly stood still. He turned to look back at him.
"What are you doing, Satomi?"
Seeing the man stop, Kouichi hurriedly turned his back to the man. He ran to his friend who called him. So he didn't know what the man did after he stopped.
*
Before he called him, Kakimoto's face flashed across his mind. He felt like he was saying, "You're a REAL moron."
"I'm sorry for standing you up last time."
The man did not say anything.
"So, uh, something came up..."
No reply. Nothing.
Cold sweat ran down his back. He felt like the man saw through his lies. Of course, no matter what happened, normally he would give the person a call if he couldn't make it to the meeting. If not on the day of the appointment, at least the day after.
Even if he made up some bullshit excuses, he felt like he would just dig himself into a deeper hole, so he stopped.
"I want to meet you again."
「I'm sorry.」
The man apologized. He had no idea why he was apologizing to him.
「I feel it would be better for us to not meet each other any longer.」
"How come?"
「Satomi-san does not wish to meet with me, correct? You don't have to force yourself, then.」
There was a brief pause.
「There is no point in us continuing to see each other. I do not wish to expect things from you, Satomi-san, that you're not willing to give me, either. Please do not call me any longer.」
He felt like the man was angry with him. The ends of his words were gentle, but somehow cold.
He really was very mad about getting stood up. He was shocked. Normally, if you got stood up like that, of course you'd get mad, but Kouichi didn't even think that the man would be mad at him. He couldn't imagine his angry face. The man was always sweet, so he thought he would forgive him even if he didn't say anything.
"Did you wait for me that day?"
「A little. But I didn't wait even for one hour.」
"Didn't you wait at least half a day?"
On the other end of the line, he caught his breath.
「Were you watching me that day?」
"I was just guessing."
「I can't believe you'd like to me like that.」
"I want to see you."
「Well, I don't.」
He sounded like he would hang up any second.
"I'm going to 'Marlene' right this second. I'm going to wait for you until you come," he hurriedly said. Before he had the chance to hang up on him, he hung up. He hung up without even listening to the man. He didn't think that the man would not come if he knew Kouichi would be waiting forh im.
*
It was a little cold. Kouichi lightly sighed after pulling his rather thin jacket closed. 'Marlene' was closed, so he had no choice but to wait for the man in front of the closed store. He knew he was coming. He was sure of it, so waiting was no problem for him.
Not even 5 minutes after Kouichi arrived, the man came. He was running. He was wearing the same thing he had been waiting when he saw him during lunch. He was in such a hurry that he didn't even wear his coat.
"Don't be selfish," was the first thing he said when he stood in front of Kouichi.
"Were you going to continue to wait for me if I didn't come? Like I did before?"
"I didn't think you would NOT show up."
"Oh, don't we have some confidence."
He never saw the man like this before. His face looked like it was heated up with a light fever, and his voice and body were slightly shaking. He was expressing his anger with his whole body.
"Please listen," The man started. "I have already told you this over the phone, but if you have no interest in me,please don't raise my expectations. I cannot stand you playing around with me, telling me you want to meet me or standing me up."
"Did you wait for my call all this time?"
"Are you paying attention to what I'm saying at all?"
His emotions nearly bursting out of his chest, his voice sounded choked up, as if he would start crying. His tightly clenched fists were slightly shaking.
"Do you love me?"
The man glared at Kouichi, biting into his lips.
"Why are you asking me that?"
Why DID he ask him that? He wondered, looking at the man who was glaring at him. Why did he call him out in the first place? Because he wanted to see him one more time. If he just wanted to meet him, if he wanted to just see him from the distance, he could have done that. But he wanted to talk to him. Talk to him about what? They've never talked about anything really important. They were both 'lying' to each other, so they avoided talking about themselves and talked about stuff that didn't really matter at all.
The man bit his thumb nail. It made clicking noises. A nervous habit. Ivory-white, slender fingers...
"Can I hold your hand?"
The man seemed to notice his unconscious bahavior and hurriedly stopped biting his nails. When Kouichi reached out with his hand, he hid both of his hands behind his back. So Kouichi wrapped his arms around his back, trying to catch his hands. The distance between the two of them closed up.
Their lips got closer. The man kept on glaring at Kouichi. He didn't close his eyes even when Kouichi's lips got near his own. He lightly kissed him. He quickly pulled away, surprised by the cold yet soft sensation.
"It's dangerous," he muttered without thinking. By "dangerous", he meant exactly how he felt. He wanted to see him, to talk to him, to kiss him, to embrace him, his heart was thumping quickly. He couldn't calm his violently shaking heart. This was the first time he felt like this. He didn't know how to take care of this strange, strong urge.
This was the first time he felt like this.
The man lowered his face and covered his lips with his hand. His sensitive earlobes were bright red.
He was blushing so hard that even Kouichi felt embarrassed. he tightly clutched his cheeks.
"Let's meet again."
The short sentence might have sounded cold. But to Kouichi right now, that was the best he could do.
"I don't want to wait for you again."
The man's voice was small.
"I won't make you wait. I promise."
The eyes that looked up at Kouichi somehow looked red. Insted of answering, the man tightly held Kouichi's hands.