His mother discovered him while he was putting on his shoes at the front step.
Even though he had not been doing anything wrong, somehow he felt guilty.
"Where are you going, Hirokazu?"
"I'll just go out for a short walk. I'll be back before dinner time..."
When he answered awkwardly while putting on his shoes, his mother muttered, 'Oh, really?' and then briskly walked to his room. She returned with a grey scarf.
"You must dress warmly, or you'll catch a cold. Your body is weak, so."
"Yes ma'am..."
When he obediently took the scarf, his mother brushed back her white-peppered hair carelessly and suddenly sighed.
"You have to hurry and get married, too..."
He gave a bitter smile and left the house before the situation became more difficult.
It was only past four in the afternoon, but the outside was already quite dark.
The sky was covered with grey cloud and unmelted snow was piled up at the sides of the road.
This was truly the first time that Takahashi Hirokazu returned to his hometown, Hamamichi, after his grandfather's death three years ago.
At that time, he had another business to take care of the next day, so he hurriedly returned on the same day.
He was also being considerate of his younger sister and her husband who brought their child with them, since their home wasn't very big.
There was another reason that he stopped visiting his home often.
It was because whenever he returned home, the adults would always talk about marriage.
Of course, it was natural considering his age, but he felt guilty whenever the topic was brought up.
Whenever his mother persistantly asked if he had anyone he was dating, he would have to make excuses like 'I'm a poor salary man' or 'I haven't met anyone nice yet.' He was tired of that.
When he walked a little along the main road, he smelled the sea and heard the sounds of the wave.
He walked up the stairway next to the grey concrete wall facing him, and climbed up to top of the levee.
The sea was shaded into a heavy water color, tinged with grey, and the waves were rough as well.
He numbly thought that the reason why the waves felt closer to him than before was because he became an adult.
He stared at the sea for quite a while like that, but he seemed to be the only one weird enough to come to see the ocean on a cold day like this. He didn't see anyone else.
The reason for his homeward journey was because a distant relative of his was having his funeral.
Incidentally, this was a day before Saturday, so he decided to spent a night at his home.
His little sister did not come.
It seemed that she was busy because her oldest child's junior high school entrance exam was coming up.
His mother said, "Hirokazu, you don't need to come, either, if you're busy..."
She might be imagining things because her son who didn't return home if he could help it suddenly came.
There definitely WAS a reason why he came home this time, but...
Takahashi leaned against the concrete wall and deeply sighed.
His liver was aching.
He thought once again about the difference between a place he couldn't return to even if he tried, and a place he couldn't return to even if he wanted to.
Soon, the chill overpowered the view, so he left the levee.
After he returned to the main road, he walked towards the seaport because he didn't want to return home right away.
The houses lined up the one-way road.
The street and surroundings that hadn't changed for nearly 20 years since he was little--This place was definitely something he had forgotten about.
He saw an elementary school facing him.
When he was a boy, he spent five hours a day there.
Nostalgia made his steps naturally quicker, so he ended up running.
When he arrived at the gates, he was gasping for breath, white mist escaping from his lips.
He was startled that his hand reached the top of the pillar next to the gates and he couldn't hide his shock at the building that was smaller than he had thought.
When he hesitantly walked in, he saw three children playing on the darkened school grounds.
The boys were kicking a ball into the goal, one by one.
He loosely sat at the corner of the school and watched them for a while.
The bar and goal had changed from the time Takahashi had attended here.
He had been steeped in memories for a while, but reality suddenly rushed into his heart.
He thought about how he didn't want to go back home, and when he lowered his head his liver started to hurt again.
He knew that he couldn't run away from the assignment in front of his eyes, like the time he had been a child, so he felt even more depressed.
He felt a light shock against his foot.
When he lifted up his head, he saw a soccer ball that slowly rolled away from him.
"Excuse us..."
It seemed that a missed kick made the ball fly towards him.
Takahashi shook his head, making an expression to show that it was okay, and lightly sighed when the relieved child turned away.
"Are you kids in the 6th grade?"
Suddenly, he heard a loud voice coming from the main gate area.
The boys froze in place.
"It's already five. You boys go home before it gets dark."
The boys looked at each other and hesitated, and then obediently picked up their ball and went home.
At his tone and his unwavering, authorative command at the children, it could be inferred that the man standing by the school gates was a teacher.
He didn't leave even after the children left the school.
While he was wondering why, he slowly walked towards him.
It was a man that looked about three or four years older than him. He was dressed in sweats, and he had a beard.
"I'm thinking about closing the gates. Won't you leave?"
"I, I'm sorry."
Takahashi nervously stood up. When he was about to quickly walk out of the gates, then man suddenly called to Takahashi.
"Uh... Can you be Takahashi?"
He was a little surprised that the man knew his name.
"Ah, yes..."
When he answered like that, the man happily laughed.
And then, with a gesture so familiar that it made him nervous, he tapped Takahashi's shoulder while saying, "I knew by your voice."
He couldn't recall who this man was, who was talking to him in a such intimate way.
The man seemed to notice Takahashi's awkward expression, too.
"You can't tell who I am?"
At his gesture of lowering his head and looking into his face, a face suddenly came into his mind.
He thought it couldn't be.
"...Ichinose."
"Yes, it's me."
The man tapped Takahashi's shoulder again.
When he looked at him closely, he still had traces of his childhood face at the edge of his nose and around his mouth.
"If you've returned, you should at least give me a call, you cold-hearted little jerk."
"Sorry."
His voice naturally became smaller.
"It's been 20 years. I've missed you. What brings you here today?" Ichinose asked, looking into Takahashi's lowered face. Because he was an introvert and could not talk well, he had always lowered his head, so Ichinose had always lowered himself and looked into his face when he spoke to him.
"Because of my relative's funeral..."
"Oh, I see..." His tone of voice lowered a little. "That must be hard."
A strong wind blew.
A chilling wind mixed with sleet brushed past his cheek.
"Where do you live now?" Ichinose asked, trembling in cold.
"I'm living in the city."
"I see."
Their conversation suddenly stopped.
He couldn't bear the clumsy silence and thought he had to say something, but he couldn't think of anything to say.
"What were you doing here?"
He lifted his head at Ichinose's question.
"You kept sitting here on such a cold day. This guy in black coat kept staring at the kids, so at first I thought you were some dangerous dude."
His worrying made sense, if he thought about it.
Takakashi bitterly smiled.
"Even if I came back few times, I had no time to relax and stay here. Today, while I happened to be passing by this area, I saw our school and I somehow felt nostalgic, so..."
"Hmm..." Ichinose softly muttered. "Then why don't you come and take a look inside the school, too? I'm a teacher at this school now. I'm in charge of the 5th graders, but I'm also head of the grade. Even if I say the head of the grade, we only have like two classes, but..."
"...Can I go in even though the school's closed today?"
At Takahashi's concern, he laughed loudly and replied, "If they catch us, I can just say that I was going for a drink and I forgot my wallet at school."
His expression looked like a naughty little boy. At his unchanged expression from boyhood, Takahashi nodded without thinking.
"I would've never thought that you had fantasies about sitting on the desks..."
"I know I'm being immature."
Ichinose tsked and mumbled, "Come to think of it, so what kind of work are you doing?"
The question made his heart almost stop.
He had no intention of hiding it, but he somehow felt hesitant.
"I'm teaching modern Japanese at Entrance-based Private School."
Ichinose widely opened his eyes.
"For real? You're a teacher, too?"
"Yeah, well..."
At his stare, he felt uncomfortable, so he slightly avoided meeting his eyes.
Ichinose folded his arms across his chest and said in a low voice, "Mm..."
"I would've never expected that. I thought you'd choose a job where you can work alone, like a professor or a skilled worker."
Takahashi slowly shook his head, smiling ironically.
"I'm not a tenacious type like that."
"Oh yeah? You've always done all of your homeworks, didn't you?"
"I did everything I was given, but I didn't do more than that, right?"
"That's impressive in itself..." After muttering that, Ichinose found a cigarette in his sweatshirt pocket and stuffed it into his mouth. "But I can't believe you're working at a private school. It's hard to deal with them since they're all going through puberty, right?
"...Well, I didn't have any expectations on a teacher's job, so I can work quite objectively."
"Hnn." Ichinose muttered in a small voice. "Then isn't it boring?"
He didn't sound like he was blaming him, but he couldn't answer.
"It's not even fun, yet you became a teacher and go through hell. Your monthly pay is shit and the students always make trouble. Isn't it full of annoying stuff?"
"Even if you work at a company, wouldn't there be many things that would annoy you?"
Ichinose let out a huge puff of cigarette smoke.
"Company and school are different. I used to be a student, too, but not only are they shameless, they're surprisingly sensitive, and while they're liberal they can also be narrow-minded... I just can't get the hang of them. I can never deal with them."
Even though he didn't apply to a college specializing in education, he decided to be a teacher because he couldn't think of a future.
At that time he remembered that Ichinose said he wanted to be a teacher... So he thought maybe he could be in the same field as the person he liked.
"Maybe I became a teacher because I thought it'd be better for me to get along with other people, even if I have to force myself."
He didn't want to tell him the truth.
The fact that it totally didn't match him was one of the reasons, even though not a large one.
"I felt that if I didn't do at least that, I wouldn't have anyone left around me."
Ichinose quietly listened to him, but did not say anything.
This bearded man in his thirties was definitely the person that he had loved so, so much before, but now he didn't feel such strong emotions any longer.
It was when he entered junior high school that he realized that he had developed a crush on him, who was a boy just like him.
At puberty, his body developed, including in a sexual way. He started to consider him in a romantic light.
In his head he knew that it was weird to like a boy like him, but his body wouldn't listen to him.
Even if he lightly tapped his shoulder, even if he saw him change, his entire body would heat up.
When they were swimming, he kept looking at him between his legs.
He would maturbate, imagining them embracing each other naked. Staring at his dirtied right hand, he would hate himself.
The good feelings and disgust at himself kept alternating, and his entire body, starting from tip of his head to the tips of his toes, filled with thoughts about him.
He had transferred when he learned during summer vacation of their 3rd year in junior high school. He learned that he made a girlfriend.
The day that he got the confession that he had a girl he was dating, he went home and cried all night.
The heartbreak made his tears flow endlessly.
But the hurt didn't end there.
Whenever he talked about his girlfriend, it felt like his heart was being torn apart.
When he said that this year, he had decided to attend the summer festival that they had always attended together with his girlfriend instead, the shock made him unable to do anything, so he spent the entire day stuck in his room.
In the end, just hearing her name from his lips made him feel like cry.
He became tired of being hurt and tossed around by even one of his careless words.
He would never love him back.
The thought that this feeling may continue forever made him dizzy.
He was planning to enter the nearby public high school together with him next year.
But when he heard that the girlfriend applied to the same school, he changed his 1st choice to a high school in the city.
Neither his parents nor his teacher questioned the fact that he suddenly changed his choice to school one level higher.
The test dates were different, so just in case he failed to get in, he took the test for a different public high school as well.
They were in different classes during their 3rd year, so Ichinose had no idea until the day of their graduation that Takahashi had applied to a high school in the city.
When he scolded him for not telling him about this, holding his dipoloma, he looked hurt.
He couldn't bear to look at his hurt expression, so he lied with a lowered face that he wanted to study harder.
After spring vacation started, for a while he didn't contact him even once.
He could almost see his angry face.
Towards the end of March, he finally called him up.
He didn't look like he completely got over his anger, because awkward silence continued again and again, but he did say, 'let's meet again.'
He answered, 'okay,' but that was a lie.
On the day of their graduation, watching him getting mad and turning his back on him, he had decided that he would never meet him again.
He had decided to throw away his beloved and aching heart...and to protect himself instead.
Even if the people surrounding him and his environment changed, he had never disappeared from his heart.
There was always a place in his heart for him.
Even though he hadn't been able to see his face for years... No, to tell the truth, he had forgotten mostly how he looked like, but the pain in his heart never dsisappeared.
He was scared that if he had ever met him again, his heart would pound violently.
Unlike his such expectations, right now when he met him coincidentally, he maintained his cool.
Perhaps, from a long time ago, his love towards him had already became a thing of the past.
It was only that he had not realized it...
The love for him had taken over his life for years and years. The reason he had been able to end that love may have been because of his lover, who was ten years younger than him.
"You've never really gotten along with friends. While everyone else were having fun hanging out, I wouldn't see you and go to find you. And then I would find you reading a book at the corner of the classroom, so I thought you liked being alone."
"I was bad at talking with other people, that's all."
"But you've talked often with me. Well, it was mostly me just rambling by myself, but. Whenever I saw you reading a book, I always wondered what kind of world was inside your mind."
He had always had lewd fantasies, not something that was classy enough to be defined as a "world".
"I couldn't understand that I was always with you since we were little, yet I didn't know what you were thinking. You didn't talk much and you had your head always lowered, so I couldn't be sure if you were laughing or you were angry..."
Takahashi looked outside the window, as if running away.
The snow was falling even more thickly.
"Hey, you listening to me?"
He nervously turned his head and replied that he was, and then bitterly smiled.
"I am listening, but you've hit a tender spot..."
"I'm not complaining. Even though I couldn't figure out what you were thinking, and you didn't talk much, and you were brusque, I still liked you."
The words didn't have much meaning to it, but his heart gave a leap.
"Even though you were taciturn, I enjoyed the times we were together. I didn't have to be pretend to be someone else when I was with you. It felt like it didn't matter whether I won or lost, or something like that... You were the only one who was like that. So... I wanted to continue to be friends with you."
"...Thank you."
"What... is that supposed to mean?"
"Because you still want to be friends with someone like me."
"I swear, I don't understand what you're thinking..." Ichinose said, shrugging his shoulders. "All this time, I thought you hated me. I mean, you've just entered city high school without telling me anything back in our junior high days, too... Of course it's your life, but even though we were together practically 24/7, you still didn't say anything to me. That sounded like you didn't trust me, so I was stunned. But I thought you'd at least give me a call during the summer vacation, but you didn't even do that... I couldn't stand it so I went to your place, but your mom said you didn't come back. ...I was really lonely."
He did hear from his mother about Ichinose's visit.
But he became frightened of how affected his heart was, so even the thought of Ichinose taking the trouble to come all the way to his home didn't urge him to come back.
"So I really had to bring up a lot of courage to send you the letter telling you I was getting married. I thought if you hated me, the letter would only annoy you. But I really wanted to get in contact with you again. So... I wrote to your place. Did you get that letter?"
"I did get it."
Ichinose pressed his forehead with his right hand, looking pained.
"You know, commonly you'd at least give an answer. I gave you my address and my phone number there."
Before the letter had arrived, he had heard from his mother that Ichinose was getting married.
Even though it had been more than ten years since he had met him, he had been unbelievably affected.
He had a chance to meet a lot of people up til that time, but he still hadn't met anyone else who grabbed his heart like him.
His beloved's wedding.
When he thought that he could never be with him now, his heart was torn apart, so he threw the letter away without even reading it.
The heater sometimes made whirling noises.
His cell phone suddenly started to ring.
It was a call from his mother.
She must have called him because she grew worried about her son who didn't come home, no matter how long she waited.
"I've met up with my friends on the way. So go ahead and start dinner without me..."
Ichinose was quietly looking at Takahashi who hung up and stuffed his phone into his pocket.
"Should we head back now? I'm hungry."
Ichinose got up from his chair and turned the heating system off.
The classroom was filled with silence all of a sudden.
When he came by his side again, Takahashi thanked him again.
"I'm happy to have met you today."
Ichinose let out a strange laughter and walked towards the classroom's exit.
He suddenly stopped walking.
"Ichinose?"
"May I ask you one thing?"
He turned around with a serious face.
"To tell the truth, you hate me, right?"
"No way."
He strongly denied it, but he didn't seem convinced.
"I know you've been avoiding me. Don't worry about my feelings and be honest with me."
When Takahashi looked startled, he became more persistant.
"I know it's immature, and there's no point in asking you about this now; I know I'd only make you upset. But it really got on my nerves all this time. I couldn't even imagine why you'd avoid me... No. That's a lie. I did have few guesses..."
Ichinose said in a trembling voice and then sighed.
"I was happy that you, whom others said 'incomprehensible' and 'emo', only got along with me so well. So because I didn't want anyone else getting close to you, when others asked me what kind of person you were, I said you were boring and not a big deal. ...You knew all about what a jerk I've been, right?"
The man who had entered into his thirties years ago said with an agonized face, squeezing his voice out painfully.
Truthfully, Takahashi didn't know how he had described him to other people.
"I was such a big, fat moron. Just thinking about it makes me ashamed."
Ichinose dropped his head weakly and mumbled out an apology in a tiny voice.
He thought that, even though their feelings were not the same kind, it could be said that they liked each other.
"My homeroom teacher back at elementary school told me to make lots of friends, but that was hard for me."
Ichinose slowly raised his head.
"You alone were more than enough for a friend. So don't worry about it."
He thought that he could no longer hide the truth from his friend who confessed his true feelings to him, even revealing about his past.
Takahashi clenched his hands into fists and bit into his lips.
"Ichinose."
He tried to make it sound neutral, but his voice unconsciously shook.
"...I'm gay."
At his confession, Ichinose cocked his head.
"I've loved you."
After asking him if it was okay to smoke, Ichinose put a cigarette into his mouth and sat in front of the classroom door.
It felt weird to be standing and staring at his shoes, so Takahashi sat a little apart from him, on the floor.
He looked back at him, just once.
By looking at his profile, who was numbly staring at the smoke floating up to the ceiling, he couldn't read how he felt about his confession.
He couldn't guess what kind of reaction Ichinose would show.
He prepared himself so that he could stand the shock, no matter if he felt sorry for him or he was disgusted with him.
The warm air has been cut from the classroom, and chilly air started to seep into it.
Takahashi gathered his coat closer to himself unconsciously.
"I thought those kind of stuff only happened in TV."
Ichinose left his seat, and then returned with an ash tray.
"I'm surprised, but it's not that much of a shock. It might be because I'm still not fully getting it, though."
"Really?"
Ichinose lightly laughed and shrugged his shoulders.
"Well, yeah, life is really like that, huh?"
When he laughed with him, hot liquid suddenly ran down his cheeks.
He hurriedly covered his eyes, but his tears wouldn't stop. It might be because tension suddenly left him.
"Don't cry. It's not even a big deal..."
Ichinose muttered, as if comforting him, and then he lightly smacked his head.
"I..."
When he kept sniffling because his tears wouldn't stop, Ichinose offered him tissues.
"It's the first time that I confessed to someone else that I'm gay."
He lowered his head and gathered himself into a ball.
"...I was scared..."
If he kept quiet, no one would know.
No one would hate him.
That was much easier.
It was easier, but... He didn't want to lie.
He wanted to seriously answer to his honesty.
All of a sudden, he felt someone touching his hair.
"Thanks for telling me. You're a brave guy."
At his whole-hearted kindness, more tears came out.
"I'm so glad that you were the first one I told," he confessed in a shaking voice. "I was so lucky to have loved you."
He was in so much pain when he learned about his love.
He despaired at the love that could never be returned.
For years and years, he couldn't throw his feelings away, so he cursed the fact that he was gay. He was resentful of the destiny that wouldn't let him stay friends with him.
What Takahashi received from him was the best ending to the first love that he could have ever hoped for.
He cried and cried until he felt satisfied.
A little later, when he finally got his senses back, he was really embarrassed, but it wasn't like he could pick up the feelings he had already revealed.
Ichinose had stayed by his side wordlessly.
It felt like his silent kindness was diffusing into his heart.
When he turned around at the cliking sound, Ichinose was turning his lighter on and off, like a child.
Next to the ash tray, an empty cigarette case lay.
"I've been thinking for a while, but do you still have a crush on me?" He seriously asked when their eyes met.
"What...?"
"Do you still want to become lovers with me or something?"
Laughing at the thought that he had been worried that he would hit on him, he shook his head.
"It's not like that, so don't worry. I already have someone I'm dating, so..."
"What?"
Ichinose looked shocked.
"You have someone you're going out with?"
"Yeah."
"Hmm... Can I ask you what kind of person he is?"
He laughed a little at his hesitant tone.
"He's a sweet person... Even though he's younger than me..."
His lover's face popped into his mind.
They were living in different houses, but he settled himself at Takahashi's place and rarely returned to his own apartment.
Recently, he slept at his apartment after a long absence, and complained that he felt like a stranger at his own house and that he felt uncomfortable.
"How long have you guys been going out?"
After he counted on his fingers, he replied that it had been eight years.
"...You guys dated for quite a while."
It might seem like a long time to others, but to Takahashi, the last 8 years passed in a blink of an eye.
The boy who had been a student when they first met graduated college and became a working man.
His growth was brilliant, so he could only watch the blindingly radiant man with a bit of anxiety as he became an adult.
"I've heard from my female friends before that a human's love cycle is about 5 years on average. They said after 5 years, whether they're lovers, spouses or lovers-outside-of-marriage, their love cools down. I partly agreed with that, but what about you? Don't you get sick of him, since it's already been 8 years?"
Takahashi confidently shook his head.
"No."
"You must match up with him really well."
Ichinose gave a sarcastic smile.
"My heart grew cold right away when I heard about humans' love cycle. I felt stupid when something I've believed as 'destiny' turned out to be something that was influenced simply by human's psychology pattern."
He felt uncomfortable that him dating someone for 8 years was simply called 'matches well' and Ichinose had such a negative views on love.
But it also felt wrong to stubbornly argue against his opinions.
"Even I think I'm a boring, tiring person. I have lots of faults, too. But..." Takahashi clutched his hands on top of his thighs tightly. "I'm going to do my best until I can convince myself that I can't be with him any longer; that this is not going to work out."
"Doing your best is good and all, but what are you going to do if that's just causing trouble for your lover?"
He brought up a sensitive issue.
"That's..."
"It's also important to know when to back off."
It was definitely true that it was unseemly to fight over relationship problems.
He knew that, but Takahashi didn't think that he could easily give up his current lover.
"It was painful for me to watch you fall in love with someone else, so I've transferred to a school far away from you. That was the only way I could run away. But that didn't solve the problem at its roots. For years and years, I've dragged on my feelings for you. For me at the time, it was impossible, but if I had the courage to face you directly at the time, if I've tried my best up til the end, perhaps something might have changed."
"Hnn..."
Ichinose agreed, holding the wrinkled cigarette case and fingering it.
"Then how do you think you would've changed if you've confessed to me back then?"
Takahashi answered after a short period of thinking, "...Perhaps I wouldn't have became a private school teacher."
Ichinose asked why.
"You might laugh at my simplicity, but the reason why I became a teacher was because long time ago, you told me you wanted to be a teacher. Of course, it was also because there was nothing else I really wanted to become, but if you've dumped me directly, I might not have chased after your dream."
Takahashi lowered his face and closed his eyes.
"Even after I've graduated college and got a job, I couldn't forget about you. Even after years and years of not seeing you, you were my sweetheart in my heart. My memories faded and I couldn't remember your face clearly, but strangely enough, my feelings towards you remained vivid. The pain... The sadness... Every once in a while, those feelings would suddenly, clearly revive. If I was able to end my love for you clearly, I might not have been hurt in that sense."
"This might be a little different from that, but I couldn't forget about you, either. I was in pain all this time. In my young heart, I was shocked that you would hate me enough to cut off all connection with me all of a sudden. I couldn't even understand why I was so persistant about you. But if I knew the reason, I wouldn't have been in such pain needlessly."
After muttering that, Ichinose suddenly tilted his head, saying, "Huh?"
"Say, that means if you had confessed to me back in junior high and I said no, it would have ended like that?"
"It might have."
After laughing until his shoulders shook, Ichinose put his interlocked hands behind his head and muttered, "You know, I... got divorced 3 years ago, to tell you the truth."
He was so surprised that he was rendered speechless.
"It was a woman I've really loved. I married her, thinking that she was the only woman in my life. But after 2,3 years our relationship weirdly started to go wrong, so in the end I didn't even want to see her face. We had a kid, too, so we had a huge fight over the custody. In the end, she got it, though. I never thought seriously about why it had to be like that, since divorce is quite common nowadays. That was when I heard about the love cycle lasting only 5 years and I convinced myself that was why, since coincidentally that happened in my 5th year with her. But thinking back on it now, I think I just ran away because I didn't want to think about it deeply."
Ichinose deeply sighed.
"When I married her, I relaxed, thinking this woman's love was all mine now. But that was only misunderstanding and selfishness on my part. Since we were together, I thought of course we would have affection towards one another, so I started to treat her with less and less care, and in the end she fell out of love with me. I think it really was like that, since neither of us cheated on each other."
His gaze was directed towards Takahashi.
"What would have happened if I thought deeply about her, like how I was persistant about you? If I seriously thought about what started to go wrong, why it happened like that, the result might have been different."
He couldn't offer him his sympathies, nor tell him to be strong.
Like that, a long silence settled.
As if shaking off the serious atmosphere, Ichinose loudly said he was hungry and stood up from his seat.
"After I got divorced and came back home, they all treated me like a burden. It's more comfortable for me to live alone, too, but I have to pay alimony so I'm not very well off."
Ichinose widely stretched and smiled, poking at Takahashi's shoulder.
"There's no need for you to get so serious. I'm poor and lonely, but not unhappy."
After they cleaned up the ash tray and garbage, they turned the room's lights off.
When they stepped out to the hallway, it felt much colder than the room that had its heater off.
The sound of their slippers echoed surprisingly loud.
Ichinose, who was walking ahead, suddenly stopped moving and muttered in a small voice.
"I guess what's important is how seriously you think about it. Your love for me and my obsession with you were both shapeless, vague things, right? But my relationship with you had been longer than with her, who had been my wife. So relationship between human beings are not decided by some papers, and I don't think something like that is effective at all. I think what's important is how much you think about each other."
Ichinose suddenly cocked his head, saying, "Huh?"
"Come to think of it, that's what I always said to my kid. What was I thinking all this time while babbling that?"
When Takahashi smiled, Ichinose laughed, too.
When they were about to put their shoes on at the entrance, despite his previous warning, he tripped on the 5cm door ledge and fell forward.
"I told you to watch your feet, since it's dark."
Ichinose offered his hand, giving him a helpless look.
When he grabbed it, the warmth of his body transferred to him.
"Thank..."
Before he finished, Ichinose lightly hugged Takahashi.
His heart was thumping, but it was more like residue of emotion in his heart. It wasn't anything passionate.
"Shall we at least share a kiss?"
Even at the voice only few centimeters from him, Takahashi remained cool.
"I think it'll be better if we don't."
Suddenly Ichinose blushed brightly and hurriedly turned his body away.
"Sorry. Forget about what I said just now."
Blushing so hard that even his ears turned red, he said he'd go on ahead and hurried outside.
Outside was still freezing cold, and violent snowstorm made it impossible to see anything.
High and low sounds of wind came like whirlwind.
Ichinose numbly stood at the entrance, gazing at the snow.
"I kept thinking. How it would've been like if you didn't have a lover and you still loved me. There's no point in thinking about this now, but..."
There was no need to ask him anything else.
"Hey, you. Be strong."
His voice sounded like it'll get swallowed up by the wind.
When he turned around, he was laughing with his cheeks wrinkled, as if he couldn't keep his expression straight because of the cold weather.
"I'm sure you'll be strong even if someone like me doesn't tell you to be strong, but anyway."
They looked at each other wordlessly.
Sudden kiss.
It was a baby kiss that barely brushed his lips, but he tensed up like the first time he kissed.
After they finished their kiss, Ichinose turned away and said, "Don't you dare thank me," and then lowered his face.
He parted with Ichinose at the school gates.
When he looked at his turned back that was slowly disappearing into the snow, he thought he would never meet him again.
He was sure he wouldn't contact him.
They've exchanged their cell phone numbers and addresses, but he couldn't bear that premonition.
Hunching up his shoulders, he walked through the snow and arrived at the front of his house. His cell phone started to ring right at that moment.
It was a call from his love.
Takahashi hurriedly took the cell phone out from his coat.
He couldn't really hear his lover's voice because of the wind.
Clutching his phone with shaking fingers, Takahashi moved to the front of shuttered-up store.
'I can't really hear you. Where are you right now?'
Takahashi covered his mouth with his hand so that he could block out as much outside noise as he could.
"Outside. It's snowing and the wind's really bad, too, so."
'You were on your way to a convenience store?'
"No, on a walk..."
After a short silence, he was able to hear his lover's laughter.
'You're going for a walk in this snow? I'm not gonna go save you even if you get buried up.'
"It wasn't this bad when I started from home."
His lover asked in disbelief just how long he had been walking.
He was able to hear mumbling sounds through the phone.
He said he had to work on Saturday, too. It seemed that he hadn't returned home yet.
'I'm at the station. Can you come get me?'
"Station?"
'Kurego Station. Actually I wanted to go to Akatsuka, which was the closest, but since it was the last train running, this was their last stop. ...Sorry for asking you this at such a late hour.'
His lover came to this area--.
His fingers shook, he wasn't sure if it was because he was affected or because it was cold.
"You told me you had work today."
'Yeah, I came after I finished. That's why I'm so late.'
"I told you I'll return tomorrow, yet you came all the way here..."
'Am I bothering you?'
"No, it's not like that..."
He felt frustrated that he couldn't express his feelings well.
"Hold on, I'll go to the station right now."
'Okay.'
After hanging up, Takahashi hurried to the main street and caught a taxi with all his might.
At the empty waiting room of the train station, where even stores closed up, his lover Satomi Kouichi was sitting aimlessly.
In his hand he held the leather suitcase he always took to his office.
His profile which was numbly staring at the wall suddely shone brightly when he noticed Takahashi's presence.
His lover got up from his seat right away and came running towards Takahashi.
"I'm sorry for suddenly coming to you."
The first thing he did when he opened his mouth was to apologize.
Grey suit and navy jacket--it was the same thing he was wearing when he went off to work this morning.
"But it's not like I came here compulsively. I was going to tell you in advance, but I thought you'd tell me not to come, so..."
"I want to know the reason."
His lover looked around and then laughed strangely.
"There's no one here, but it's kind of weird to talk here, so why don't we go somewhere else? There's a business hotel nearby so let's sleep there tonight."
When they left the waiting room, his lover thanked the station worker at the entrance.
"He was really nice when he told me where the station and hotel are."
The friendly man often talked easily with someone he had just met.
He was complete opposite of him, who was awkward at talking with others.
The business hotel that faced the main road was near enough that one could see it from the station.
The road wasn't that wide, yet his lover walked by Takahashi's side.
As he thought, a bicycle came from the opposite direction, so when he was about to move out of the way, he embraced his shoulders.
It felt like he was walking with his shoulders held, so he eased away from him.
Even now... he felt uncomfortable holding hands or having physical contact in front of others.
Once he backed away, his lover's hand no longer sought after Takahashi.
The hotel room was tiny and austere.
The first thing his lover did was to turn the heater on and take off his coat.
"What a snow, right?"
When he took a look outside the window, he only saw faint reflection of the street lights. He couldn't see anything else.
While he was looking at his lover's slightly sharp profile, he recalled the conversation they had last night.
When he called him and told him that he had to go back to his hometown for about two days because of his relative's funeral, even though he had just told him about the funeral, his lover asked him, 'How come?'
He was a bit shocked because it felt like he had discovered that he didn't HAVE to force himself to go, since he was quite a distant relative, but when he repeated that it was for the funeral, he didn't continue to ask.
At the hands that gently caressed his cheeks, Takahashi slightly jumped.
"Is my hand... cold?"
When he shook his head, his lover gave a tiny laugh.
As if tasting him with his palm, he touched his cheek and chin line, and then his lover embraced Takahashi with his hands on the nape of his neck.
The kiss... His lover's lips that felt like it was gently wrapping around him was amazingly warm.
"Just how long have you been walking?" He asked, sighing. "Your body's totally cold. You already have the tendency to get cold easily, so you have to be careful."
After saying that in a scolding tone, he took off his suit jacket and entered the bathroom.
He could hear the sound of water running.
"Anyway, warm your body up. Let's talk afterwards."
Saying that as he pulled up his shirt sleeves, he forcefully shoved Takahashi inside the bath.
Because he knew that he was worrying about him, he obediently followed his words.
When he stripped and entered the tub, the tips of his fingers tingled.
He realized just how cold his body has became, since more than feeling the warmth, he felt numbness.
It was after he had stayed in the hot water for 10 minutes that he heard someone knocking.
"Can I come in?"
"I'm going to come out in a moment."
Even though he gently refused, the door opened with the words, 'Just for a little bit...'
When he felt his forceful lover pulling the shower curtains aside, Takahashi hurriedly gathered himself into a ball inside the tub.
"You warmed up now?"
His lover had already loosened his tie and was holding a can of beer in his right hand.
"Oh, the color returned to your face."
Sitting at the edge of the tub, his lover caressed Takahashi's wet cheeks.
"I was worried because your face was so pale. First I thought it was because the waiting room's lights were so dark, but that wasn't why. And then when I touched you, you were cold like a sheet of ice."
His lover swaggered down the beer he was holding, as if it was delicious.
When their eyes met, he offered the can, saying, 'You want?'
"You said the first sip was good, even for beers."
After hesitating a little, he accepted the beer.
He suddenly wanted to drink it.
Normally, he almost never consumed alcohol.
He didn't like the carbon dioxide, so even when he drank, the only thing he would drink is Japanese wine.
He would sip beer few times so that he wouldn't ruin the mood, but he did think that the first sip he drank when he was tired was delicious. When the cold carbon dioxide drink passed his neck, it suddely burned up in his stomach.
At the overreaction to the alcohol, Takahashi remembered that he hadn't eaten anything all day.
Touching his cheeks again, his lover leered at him while he kept smirking.
"Why are you laughing?"
When he asked that, his lover's fingers lightly pinched him.
"You're bright red, like an octopus."
When he realized that he was laughing at his face that turned red because of the alcohol, he became so embarrassed that he wanted to cry.
Takahashi pushed his lover's hands away and turned his face away from him.
But that was as far as he could run away, since he was still sitting in the narrow tub.
"Don't get mad. It's because you're so cute, all red like that."
No matter what he said, it was true that he had been laughing at him.
So firmly closing his mouth, he faced the wall and didn't turn around.
Then, his lover grabbed his arms and forced him to turn around.
He didn't want the kiss that tried to suck up to him, so he turned his head away, but his lover's lips pursued his own lips.
Because Takahashi resisted his lover's shirt became completely soaked, but his lover didn't seem to care as he chased after him. So in the end, he accepted a long kiss from him, tightly held in his lover's arms.
"Ah..." Hot moaning sound echoed in the narrow bathroom.
He had been angry only few minute ago, but he couldn't care less about that now.
It wasn't like he had never been taken in the bathroom... Just imagining what would happen heated up his lower body.
The lips pulled away from him.
Touching his wet lips with his thumb, he gathered Takahashi into his arms.
"I want to jump into the tub like this, but then we won't be able to talk, so..."
Muttering that to himself wistfully, his lover brushed back Takahashi's wet locks of hair.
"Come out when your body warms up. Ah, and wash your hair, too."
After making Takahashi totally in the mood, his lover left the bathroom.
It wasn't like he wanted to have a passionate sex in such a narrow place, but his half-ignited pleasure heavily remained in his lower body.
While he was carefully washing his hair, his excitement slowly cooled down.
It was quite a while later when he put on a gown and came out of the bath.
He had been watching TV on top of the bed, his shirt buttons loosened. When he saw Takahashi, he gestured to him to come to him.
"I'll dry your hair."
While he was drying his hair with a dryer, Takahashi lowered his head and kept his eyes closed.
When he washed his hair, he would always dry it for him.
Before, he fell asleep while his hair was still wet, and he became quite sick for 3 days because of a cold.
It had been a flu season and it was only a bad timing, but his lover scolded him, saying it was because he didn't dry his hair.
After that, it became his job to dry his hair.
He could do something like drying his hair himself, but the reason he let him be was because he knew catching cold was simply an excuse. The truth was that he just wanted to do so.
Not to mention, he felt good when he touched his hair with his big hands.
After drying his hair, he put his nose against Takahashi's hair and sniffed like a puppy.
"Were you with a smoker today?"
At his observation, his heart nearly stopped.
"Because you smelled like cigarettes before you washed you hair..."
Takahashi lowered his head and bit into his lips.
He knew that he was a terrible liar.
He knew that his lover, who always looked easy-going, was actually surprisingly sharp.
Then he thought he would be better for him to come out with the truth.
"I met my friend back in my junior high days."
He replied, 'Hnn.'
"That guy that you said you used to have a crush on?"
He was honestly afraid at his lover's confident voice.
"...How did you know?"
He said, shrugging, "How or whatever, the only junior high friend that you ever talked about was him, so."
At his simple answer, he cursed his own foolishness.
After sighing lightly, he lover held Takahashi from his back.
"I should start with asking you first, right? Why did you go see him now, all of a sudden?"
Because their bodies were close to each other, it felt like his fear and anxiety would transfer to him right away.
"I met him... by accident."
"What did you guys talk about?"
"This and that."
"You told him you used to love him?"
"Yes..."
When he answered like that, even though he was the one who asked, his lover became really surprised.
"Why did you tell him?"
"Ichinose... That friend from junior high told me the truth honestly, without hiding or embellishing on anything. So I didn't want to lie to him, either."
When he thought about that time, his heart started to ache.
Takahashi tightly grabbed his lover, who was holding him.
"I thought it couldn't be helped even if he was disgusted with me. But Ichinose..."
Tears came out at hand that patted his head just at the right time.
"Ichinose was understanding with me..."
His lover lightly kissed him while wiping his tears away with his fingers.
"The reason why he understood was because you were serious. I'm sure your feelings reached him."
He was so happy that he felt like crying again, so Takahashi hurriedly rubbed his eyes.
"And even if I got hurt, I thought you'd comfort me."
At that, his lover held Takahashi even tighter against him.
This breath-taking confinement was happiness that he wouldn't trade with anything else in the world.
When they first started dating, truthfully he couldn't stand it because he was so worried about his future.
It was first time he was in an intimate relationship that involved sex, and his lover was ten years younger than him on top of that.
It would be a lie to say that they had never fought, but the happiness of being with him was so much bigger.
Settling Takahashi on his lap and gently touching his cheeks, his lover whispered in a small voice, "It might seem stupid to say something I always, always say, but I love you so much. People around me say that it's amazing that I don't grow tired of you after being with you for 8 years, but instead of growing tired of you, I want to be with you more and more. I'm lonely if I can't see you for even one day. And I know very well that you love me a whole lot. I know, but... You don't have to force yourself for my sake."
His gaze made his heart ache, so he dropped his gaze.
"I thought you were behaving strangely since a while back. You have a habit of biting your thumb nail when you're stressed out, so. You didn't tell me that someone was causing you trouble at school, so I thought I might be the cause and thought it over. I thought of something."
Big hand messed up his hair.
"It's because I asked you for an adoption, right?"
He startled.
"I came to that conclusion after thinking on my own, and I'm ready to convince my parents. But that's just my feelings, so if you don't want it, then that's it. Even if you say no, it's not like I'd ever hate you. And..."
He continued in a gentle voice.
"You won't be able to hide the truth from your parents if I adopt you. I can totally imagine that me fighting with my parents would be nothing compared to how stressed out you'd be when you fight with your parents. No one would want to fight with their parents, and if they can... They'd want to hide that they're gay for the rest of their life..."
He was afraid of himself that he was describing, because it felt like his heart became a transparent glass that he could see everything.
"You could've just said no if you wanted that, but you were seriously worried about it, right? So much that you would bite your thumb nails. I thought I'd better talk to you again, but you suddenly said you're going home so I thought this was really bad. That's why I hurried after you as soon as my work was done."
He wrapped his cheek with both of his hands.
"You don't have to force yourself to tell your parents. You don't have to tell them for the rest of your life. Unless you really want to, too, you don't have to worry about me. And even if you don't, no one's gonna say that you're despicable or cowardly."
"Sorry..."
"I told you, you don't have to apologize. It's my fault, too, that I blurted out my conclusion without even taking your personality into consideration."
But when he apolgized again, he was punished with a kiss.
The kiss became more and more passionate, so before he realized it long fingers were pulling off his gown.
"I'd hate to see you forcing yourself for my sake, and then regretting it later."
A gentle whisper.
He wanted to say that no matter how painful it would get, he'd never regret it, but he couldn't resist his lips that wanted a kiss from him so he swallowed his words.
"I know you haven't been to your hometown in quite a while, so I was going to return as soon as I finished talking to you, but... At this point, I think that'll be impossible. Sorry... I'll bring you home later on."
After saying that, he kissed Takahashi on his neck, passionately enough to leave a mark.
******************************************************************
In the end, he gave up returning home that day.
Before he realized it, it had already passed 12, and Takahashi didn't feel like going back home, either.
He wasn't sure when the snowstorm stopped, but before he knew it, the window stopped shaking.
Even after making love once, he didn't want to pull apart from him, so they spent their time playing around on top of the bed.
"I'm not being hung up on the formality of stuff like adoption or whatever," his lover whispered while caressing his hair. He had started to doze off in the afterglow, his face buried in his warm chest.
"I just wanted to be in a situation where I can be responsible for you. For example, if you got into a huge accident and were sent off to the hospital, I'll flip out if they tell me that only family members could come see you. Even if I want to stay by your side continuously, people would ask me, 'why'. It might be okay to just say I'm your lover, but it's the end if you just say that lovers are unrelated people. Then I thought it'd be better for me to become your family by adopting you."
Takahashi half-raised his body and gazed at his lover.
"Even if your eyes can no longer see, your eyes can no longer hear, your body can no longer move, your lips no longer able to speak, I shall stay by your side. I want to be with you."
'It'll be great if I could've married you, since I love you so much...' his lover whispered, and then gave him a tiny laugh.
"It might sound like a joke, but I'm pretty serious."
Warmth pushed into his heart so that it felt like it would spill through his lips.
Takahashi softly pressed his lips against his lover's.
He couldn't believe that such a loveable human being could exist in this world.
"When morning comes..., let's go to my house."
His lover cocked his head.
"I want to introduce you to my family as someone precious to me."
"I told you, you don't have to push yourself..."
"I'm not pushing myself. I want to show the person I love to everyone."
After gazing at each other for a while, his lover lightly nodded his head.
And then he tightly held Takahashi and whispered in his ear, 'When morning comes...'
*****************************************************************
Early July.
When he returned from school, he found a postcard.
The handwriting looked familiar, but he couldn't recall whose it was. When he looked at the Sender, cocking his head, he found out that it was a postcard from Ichinose.
After a normal greetings, he had written that he got a new lover.
The PS after ※ mark added that she was quite pretty, so he laughed a little.
When his lover who returned home early saw the postcard and asked, 'Is it from that friend?' he had replied that it was. His lover muttered, 'Man, his handwriting sucks.'
He spread out a meal that was a bit fancier than what they usually ate on the livingroom table.
The actual event was tomorrow, but his lover was stragenly excited, saying it was the eve of the event.
"When I told my boss that I'm adopting someone, he asked me how old the boy was."
Staring at each other's face, they burst into laughter.
They were laughing now, but the process of getting to this point hadn't been easy.
His lover's family did not say anything.
By the time he introduced Takahashi to them, he had already talked it over with his family many times, so they seemed to have understood everything by the time he went to meet them in person.
The problem was Takahashi's family.
His parents were diligent people, so they did not raise their voices, but it was obvious that they were disapproving of his lover's presence.
He had talked to them many times, but when he told them that he loved him, they flatly refused to talk about it, saying that they didn't want to talk about such things any more.
But in the end his parents seemed to have grown tired of the argument, because they gave up, saying, 'You're an adult now, so do whatever you want.'
He felt that it would be impossible to get the understanding of his elderly parents, so he still couldn't tell if it was the right thing to do to tell them the truth, but still, he had no regrets.
"I guess we can say that this is our last day of being a single?" His lover asked him.
"I guess you can say that."
3 months ago, his lover left his previous apartment and was officially living at Takahashi's home.
They would change their records tomorrow, but the only thing that would change is that their names would belong in the same family registrar. It wasn't like anything would change in their lives.
"It's embarrassing to say this now, but I think it'd be better to say something like this clearly."
Takahashi stopped eating and looked at his lover.
"Thank you for everything up til now. Please take care of me from now on."
Takahashi smiled at his lover who bowed his head and bowed in return.
"I'm the one who should be asking you to take good care of me."
After smiling shyly, his lover whispered that they would always be together. He could hear the cries of cicada outside the window.
It has been 9 years since he has met him. The first summer that they would greet as a family was about to start.