I heard many descriptions of the afterlife before experiencing it firsthand. There's really one way to describe it... Mauve. No tunnel, no bright light. No gates or flames. Just... Mauve. Uniform, unending, unwavering, Mauve. I'd say my eyes were shut and the sun was beating against them, but that is only the intensity of the Mauve. Shut-eye in the sun is more of a red... because... you know... light filtering through blood... Also, I am pretty sure I had no eyes to close. I'm not exactly sure, to be honest. I don't even know how long I was there. It could have been moments, it could have been eons. All I do know for certain is that at some point, a voice came to me out of the Mauve.
"You should not be here." came the... sound? Was there air for the sounds to vibrate through the Mauve?
"No, there is not any air, you have stewed in the Cosmic Love Juices for too long."
Wait... did I hear that correctly?
"No, you heard nothing. You have no ears since you died. How did you even end up here? Nothing should be able to reach here. I suppose it is of little import. I'll have to send you back."
Wait! Where is here? Who are you? Where are you? Who are you?
"You've already asked that."
Do I only get three questions?
"I am not a djinn."
Those are real?!
"..."
Well, are you going to answer?
"I don't have a name you would be able to pronounce even if you had the ability to actually hear the primordial language of existence and not immediately explode. Took me several civilizations before I realized your species is severely lacking in aptitude."
Well, I am very apt. Apt to be seeing something other than Mauve.
"I am certain. I have just the place to put you, too. It will keep you out of my sight. And just in time, too. You have definitely been bathing in the soup for too, long. You're all wrinkled."
I'm not that old!
"I've passed galaxies out of my... you don't have a word that you'd understand in your mind... Well, the point is that the gases are older than you are."
Did you just compare me to a fart?
"In your current state, you could pass for one. HA! Pass for one! I made a funny!"
Are you still answering questions? How do I take a swing at you?
"Looks like the stew made you a spicy noodle. Do you need a boop in the snoot before I get rid of you?"
I have no snoot to boop! And you were making fun of me?!
"That was a few millennia ago. "
What?!
"Time is very wibbly-wobbly/timey-wimey. Like a string crumpled in a ball. It already took me an eternity to explain that to you."
I'm going to murder you.
"Yeah, very spicy noodle. Definitely soaked for too long in the sauce. Probably did something interesting to you, but not interesting enough to keep you around. I have more important things to do than deal with you. Have fun figuring out how distinctly non-human you may or may not be now! SNOOT-BOOP!"
And now I am on a wall. The bastard threw me on the wall like a piece of pasta to see if I am al dente. Xe was right about some things though. While 'here' is distinctly lacking in Mauve, I have also not needed to eat or drink. I would like to, all of the food terms for the Mauve sounded delicious and Xe never explained how long it has really been since my last meal. You know... The one that made me Mauve in the first place. And what kind of human can cling to a wall like a fly for their hair to grow long enough to braid rope?! GAAAAH! Not even hungry but want to eat something! *chomps on wall*
~*DIGESTING*~
~*SAMPLE ANALYZED*~
~*INITIALIZING MAUVE*~
...
Wait, what?! Don't startle me like that! Does this mean I have a system now? Have I finally joined the ranks of protagonists in Webnovels?!
~*NO. YOU SOAKED IN THE COSMIC LOVE JUICES AND YOUR BODY HAS GONE WONKY*~
...A Sassy AI?
~*I AM YOU. YOU ARE TALKING TO YOURSELF. THIS IS THE CLOSEST THAT YOU COULD GET TO UNDERSTANDING MAUVE*~
So I've gone crazy. And Cosmic Love Juices? Again? Really, you could have said anything else and I would have been more likely to believe you.
~*XE IS VERY LONELY. THE MILKY WAY IS NOT A MISNOMER*~
Yikes. I'll be sure to wear gloves when I kill him.
~*XATRICIDE LOOKS GOOD ON YOU*~
You are taking this Cosmic Love Juices thing too far, now.
~*AND YOU ARE TALKING OUT LOUD TO A VOICE IN YOUR HEAD*~
Point taken. Do you have to shout?
~*YOU WERE MALE. ACCORDING TO THE FRAGMENTED MEMORIES YOU HAVE LEFT, YOU DON'T LISTEN*~
Ouch. Shots fired. Are you a system? And what do you mean were?
~*...*~
Your silence is deafening.
~*BINARY GENDER SYSTEM IS A HUMAN CONSTRUCT. YOU ARE NO LONGER HUMAN. ARE YOU MALE IS A QUESTION TO ASK YOURSELF. I AM NOT EXACTLY A SYSTEM. I AM YOUR BODY'S EXPRESSION OF THE EXPOSURE TO THE MAUVE*~
What was the Mauve, really?
~*YOU COMPLETELY FORGOT ABOUT ANALYZING WHAT YOU ATE, DIDN'T YOU?*~
Damn right, I did. What is the Mauve? Really.
~*COSMIC LOVE JUICES. YOU ARE NOW THE LOVE CHILD OF A COSMIC JOKE AND THEREFORE A CLIMBING PUNCHLINE, XIS DANGLING PARTICIPLE*~
Are you still answering questions? How do I take a swing at you?