The dark skies suddenly brightened as the full moon peeked from behind the clouds. Turning the skies from black to midnight blue, even the surrounding clouds looked like fluffy gray cotton candy.
The peaceful view of the silent night contradicted my mood. My anxious heart beating in my ears drowned out all the chatter that came across the radio. I have never sat in the back seat of a patrol car. I clasped my hands and swayed as I prayed that this time, I would be right. That they would be safe when we got there.
As a CPS social worker, I usually didn't get called to these situations until after everything was settled, and the perpetrators were in custody. But this time, it was personal. This time, they were my kids. My ex-husband and their father had taken them when the courts granted me sole custody. They have been missing for more than five years.
It is only by chance that I spotted Zack in the background of one of my friends' photos on Instagram. Hiring a private investigator, I was finally able to find out that he had taken our kids to Fresno, California. The kids had grown so much, Avari who was three, was now eight and Skylar who was eight was now a teenager. They had grown up so much that I couldn't have recognized them in the photos if not for the small birthmark on Skylar's left hand. The one that was a shape of a paw print and with that I knew I was finally in the right direction, after so many years of false leads.
Two days later, I flew out from Austin, Texas and arrived in San Jose, California. Drove almost three hours southeast to get to Fresno. I immediately took all the photos and evidence gathered by the investigator to the police station. I begged them to go out to that farm and do a wellness check. They said they would and asked that I don't try to contact them myself, in case Zack flees with the kids again. Days later, they came back with the news that they didn't see my kids but saw many, many other kids on the farm. They only met an elderly woman named Edith Katz. "Edith!" I screamed in surprise. "That must be Zack's mom. That must be the house! My kids must be there!" I wanted to go there immediately but the Lieutenant grabbed me and said again that if I did, it would just make him nervous and there would be no finding them again if they ran. She promised that they would continue looking into this and would let me know if there was anything else that came up.
After a few days of surveillance, they finally found a clue. This was the break they were hoping for. One of the kids that lived on the farm looked very similar to an Amber alert sent out from Modesto several months ago. The boy was kidnapped by his mother, they left their home in the middle of the night. The father who worked the night shift came home to an empty house and called the police. He asked for the missing child notice to be sent out throughout California, the Amber alert. It broadcast the features of the kid, the suspect, and the car they had taken. It went out to all carriers of every available cell phone and television station, but it was as if the car and the people in it had disappeared. After months of looking, they finally had a lead that granted a search warrant for Zack's farm.
I just so happened to have walked into the station as they prepared to go search the farm with the search warrant. I persuaded the Captain to bring me along. I used the fact that I was a CPS social worker and that they probably needed my services if they did find that these kids were all kidnapped.
So here we are, on our way to find my kids. I am both anxious and delighted at the prospect that I would finally see my kids again, after so many years. Would they recognize me?
Before I had time for fear to set in, the car came to a stop in front of a wooden farmhouse. The harsh yellow headlights brought illumination to an otherwise pitch-dark farm. The building was not big, it looked like a wood cabin, with just enough room for a couple of small windows, one on each side of the door. It was oddly unsymmetrical; everything was skewed to the right side of the building. A bit further, to the left side of the house, there was an outline of a bigger building, I am guessing it was a barn. I watched from the side window of the patrol car as the officers approached and knocked on the front door. The Captain forbade me to step outside and even stood guard outside the passenger side of the vehicle to make sure I didn't do anything stupid.
There was no answer, so this time they knocked harder and yelled, "Police, open the door."
Waited a few more minutes and they started walking back to the car for further instructions. When we all heard a bang of a door. We all turned to peer down towards the barn. We saw a dark figure coming out of the barn and the moonlight allowed us to see that it had a tall build of an adult man. But the headlights stopped us from seeing any features.
The officers yelled, "Stop right there. Raise your hands. Who are you?' The man compiled by raising his hands but said nothing.
The Captain got in the car and turned off the headlights. The officers took out their flashlights and shined them toward the man. The man winced when the light reached his eyes, turned his head a bit, and looked right towards me. It was him; it was Zack.
I banged on the headrest of the patrol car and screamed at the Captain that was still sitting in the front seat. "That is him, that is Zack. My boys must be in the barn."
I tried to get out of the car, but the back doors were locked. Damn patrol cars! The Captain yelled back, "Stop, you need to let us handle this." She radioed back to the station to get backup since now we were positive that Zack was indeed here.
"Let me out. I want to see my kids." I screamed at her.
"Look, I already allowed you to tag along, and right now we have not found anyone else. You need to calm down and let us do our jobs." she calmly coaxed me.
Outside, the Officers had placed Zack in handcuffs and were leading him over to the car. They opened the door. I was about to jump out when they pushed him in and sat him next to me.
I was about to protest when the Officer raised his hand and shushed me. Miss Alaina, right now we only have cause to believe that your ex-husband has taken your kids. Without a search of the premises and finding the children there has been no offense. As of this moment, Mr. Katz here is not formally charged with anything, so please sit still while we do our jobs.
I leaned forward and opened my mouth to protest but then I sat back down and nodded. The Officer closed the door. The Captain turned to me and said, "I have to lead the search and until the backup arrives, I have no other car to place you two separately. So please be cordial with each other. I don't want to come back to find that I have to write another report." And with that, she exited the car.
I was left there with him. I wasn't handcuffed but I felt trapped. Anger was boiling inside, I knew if I opened my mouth, it would boil over and I wouldn't know what would happen. I needed to stay calm for the kids. I had to trust the Officers to find my kids and it would be all over. If I killed him now, they would be left with no parent to care for them, but every bone in my body wanted to do just that.
I have seen tragedy happen all too often. I needed to stay calm. I scooted over as far away from him as I possibly could in the back seat of the car. I plastered myself against the door, and after I took a couple of deep breaths, I felt more in control.
Then Zack spoke, "Alaina, you look just as beautiful as the day we met. How have you been?"
I lost it, I pounced over and got right in his face, "Fuck you, Zack! You took my kids. How do you think I have been? I slapped him and I couldn't stop. Not until I saw blood trickling from the side of this mouth. Hand raised halfway, I sighed and then dropped it. I scooted back to my side of the car. Dropped to the bottom with my head on my knees and I bawled. I was so filled with frustration, sadness, and anger, it all flowed out at that moment.
Without looking up, I scornfully asked, "Where are they?"
"They are fine, but you will not find them," he said without much emotion.
Tears were still streaming down my face, but I pounced up again and grabbed his shirt. I screamed, "Why the hell are you keeping the kids away from me? I had been a doting mother to them, I never harmed them. Why are you punishing me? Is it because I filed for divorce?"
I just kept on shaking him asking, "Why?"
The car door opened, and other Officers dragged me out of the car. The backup cars had arrived.
They had sat me in the front seat of the adjacent patrol car until I calmed down. They kept the door open and the Officer watching over me was the one that had taken my statement when I first walked into the station. She was sympathetic to my plight, but she also said that they might have to charge me with causing bodily harm.
I just bowed my head into my hands and cried.
The search seemed to go on forever. They didn't have enough light; the flashlights weren't enough. There wasn't an electricity connection to the farm. So, they took the oil lamps from the barn and lit them as well. They lit up the barn as they searched. When they had cleared it, took all the lights out to the fields and started the search out there. There was a lot of ground to cover, there were acres of fields. They walked further and further away, but the trickling of lights showed how far they had searched. It has already been more than an hour, how could there be no sign of them?
Then suddenly there was a bright orange glow that lit up the sky. The field was on fire. The Officer that was guarding me called dispatch for fire rescue but was told it may take a while since they were off on another call.
She screamed over at Zack, "Is there a well or somewhere we can get water?" She ran over and opened the door, asking again but found that he was gone.
She radioed to let the other know that Zack was gone before she ran towards the fields. As she ran, she yelled back to me, "Don't go anywhere!"
Of course, I wasn't going to sit there and just wait. Once she was out of sight, I bolted towards the barn. Zack had come out from the barn, so that should be where he had gone, not the fields.
I pulled open the heavy door and walked into a dark room, there were no windows, just a skylight. I stood there a moment while my eyes adjusted to the dim light. Voicing my thoughts, "How can anyone see where they are going?" I searched around to see if another oil lamp or flashlight was lying around. While I was shuffling about, I slammed my shin on a piece of board. "Shit, that stings!" I knelt to try to feel if I was bleeding. I pushed the board away and I felt a gust of wind blow through my hair. I felt around more and there was a hole. Not being able to see, I tried to listen and there were sounds, a bit like murmurs. I found a small rock and threw it into the hole to see how far it was. It wasn't far, so I decided to jump in.
I landed without issue, but I could not see, it was even darker than the barn. I felt around, the tunnel was tall enough that I could stand. Well, as short as I was, barely five feet, it wasn't surprising. I felt the walls and ceiling, it was all dirt, and parts of it crumbled from my touch. I shuffled my feet and discovered that it was paved. I took a deep breath, I hated small tight spaces and without being able to see, it felt even smaller. But I had to push through, everything in me knew that if I got to the end, I would be able to find my kids. I calmed my nerves and slowly walked deeper into the tunnel. Sometime later, the tunnel got wider, and soon I was no longer able to touch both walls. I felt a warm breeze coming from the right side, so I stuck to that side and kept on walking. I soon heard more murmurs; it sounded like kids. I yelled out, "Anyone there?"
I kept walking towards the voices, it got louder, and louder as if they were coming towards me. I felt frightened, I didn't know whether to continue or run back. Before I could even decide, a wave of very young children came ramming into me. They squealed as they ran towards the entrance. More and more came, and I flattened myself to the wall so as not to hinder their retreat. I couldn't see and could not move as fast as they were going. I thought once they are out, they will be detained by the Officers so I will have time to find my kids.
"What are you doing here?" I knew that voice. I couldn't see, but I knew that voice. All the nights when he would return home late at night, he would whisper "I love you" in my ears. I knew this voice. "Zack?" I still asked.
"Yes. What are you doing here? Whatever. Let's get out of here. The fire is getting close," he stated as he pulled me along the tunnel.
He yelled ahead, "Skylar and Avari, go ahead and make sure that the children keep going towards the lake. They will meet up with their parents at the southern tunnel."
I yelled, "Skylar and Avari? Are you there?"
"Yes mom", they both answered.
Zack tugged at my arm to stop me from going toward my kids. "This is not the time or the place."
Kids, I leave the little ones in your care, please lead them safely to their parents and then meet us at the barn entrance," Zack ordered.
"Wait, Zack. I haven't seen them in so long. How could you send them away when I haven't even had a chance to hold them?" I asked as I struggled to get away from his hold.
"Alaina, I understand what you want, but if we don't get out of here now, the tunnel will fill with smoke, and then no one will be able to leave. Please just bear with it a little longer." he pleaded.
I thought for a bit and agreed. "Go. Go, I'll see you soon", I said as I shooed them along.
"See you soon, mom," they said in unison.
Zack tugged me along; I heard their footsteps get further and further away until it was just Zack and me. "How is it that you and the kids can move so quickly in this pitch-black tunnel?" I asked to try to alleviate the awkwardness.
"I always did have great eyesight, I never had trouble seeing in the dark and neither do the kids. They inherited that from me," he boasted.
We walked in silence for a while, and I finally couldn't help myself from asking that nagging question that had been on my mind since they were taken. "Why Zack, why did you take them?"
"I thought we parted amicably. You didn't even have any demands. When I asked for full custody, you didn't contest it. Why did you take them? If you had just told me what you wanted, we would have found a compromise."
Silence, he did not say a word and I just didn't have it in me to beg for an answer. Nor did I feel like picking a fight with him at this moment. So, I just dropped it and allowed him to drag me along. After a few more minutes of walking, we passed the fork in the tunnel again, and it got tighter. Soil would sometimes fall on me as Zack was six foot two, so his head probably brushed against the ceiling on a couple of occasions.
Then I heard footsteps behind me. "Mom and Dad let's get out of here! The southern tunnel was filled with smoke. We seal it at the junction like we did the northern one, but the smoke is seeping through.
"Kids, you two go ahead. Your mom can't see, and I can't carry her in here, so we will be a bit behind you. Don't worry I will lead her out safe and sound. Now go!" Zack once again ordered.
The kids complied and yelled back," See you very soon mom."
"Yes!" I said gleefully.
I steadied my pace and was able to follow close behind. The prospect of holding my kids again helped my feet float upon the path.
But fortune did not favor me that day, I soon heard the boys coming back.
"Dad the entrance has collapsed, the barn probably has burned down, and the rubble is blocking the entrance," said the older one. "We can't head the other way either, the tunnel is filled with smoke."
"Don't worry, let's head toward the opening and I will find a way out, " Zack said hopefully.
As we reached the opening, it was indeed blocked by the rubble from the collapsed barn.
"Alaina, kids stand back just a little," he said. Then I heard him grunting as if he was pushing.
"Zack, there must be hundreds of pounds of material on top right now. I don't think this will work." I screamed at him. Let's just try the other opening." I turned and started walking.
Skylar pulled my arm and said, "No mom, dad can do it."
Then just as Skylar had said, a glimmer of light showed through, he had pushed up the rubble enough for a small opening. The light of the burning embers showed down into the tunnel just enough for me to get a glimpse of my kids. As I held them both I said to Zack, "It is too small, we can't fit through that."
Zack ignored me, and said, "Kids, you know what to do. Once you are out, lead the firefighters to dig here. Ask them to let it burn out, we don't want to drown in here. Don't worry, I will protect your mom. Now go."
The kids hugged me tightly and with the words, we will see you soon, they transformed before my eyes. They turned into small furry animals, squeezed their way out of the tiny hole, and escaped the fiery rubble of the collapsed barn.
I was so shocked that I didn't even know what to say.
Zack saw that they were far enough, and he let go of the rubble, closing us in and extinguishing the little light that had penetrated the darkness.
He brushed his hand across my face, and I could feel the heat resonating from his touch. I hated him, but I missed this feeling. Then he spoke and all that went out the door. "Now, you know why I had to take the kids," he said.
"What?" How do you think this explains anything?" I was so dumbfounded and angry that I couldn't collect my thoughts enough to even yell at him properly.
I coughed as the smoke got thicker.
He came closer and said, "We can talk about this later. Now sleep. It will all be okay when you wake."
With those words, my eyes felt heavy and the last thing I heard was, "I love you."