My mind continues to torment me.
I was in a never-ending cycle, waking up and falling into the darkness. A reprise leaves me wondering what was real and what was just my mind playing tricks on me.
My mind and body were tired as they tried to keep up with each other. My mind's torment ensures my body won't heal, depleting my already low energy to fuel the torturous dreams that plague me.
The only constant I had was the feeling of pain. When I was conscious, my body ached, calling out for Derek. I need him to come and soothe me. To help heal me.
In the darkness, my head hurts, the guilt of reliving the different versions of the horrible memory toys with my emotions. My guilt is overwhelming. It feels like a great white shark circling my dying body, waiting for my head to fall under the surface before it attacks. Ravishing me as I cry out in agony.
I don't know how to deal with the guilt without my switchblade.
I wasn't sure how I knew a week had passed. My eyes were hardly ever open, and when they were, I struggled to focus. I always saw Gisele somewhere, waiting, ready to hurt me. As if the guilt of what I had done was not hurting me already.
Luckily, when I was awake and able to focus, no one was around. Giving me the time to let the guilt come crashing out. So, I cry in the privacy of my room in the Healer's clinic.
The guilt mixes with my physical pain. I sob freely and I hope for it to end soon. I pray to the moon goddess to take my pain away. Death is the only ending that seems fitting. My only solution.
But there are times where I would wake up and see him there. I would feel his presence as he tried to comfort me. How he helps in the only way he can, by being there. He seems to always be there, holding my hand as he sits next to me.
He is always by my side while he works or reads. Sometimes he reads to me. But his presence calms me. His hand in mine helps to quench my craving for physical intimacy. Helps keep my wolf sedated, even if it only lasts for a short while.
Jacob could always do that, he could always soothe me, even if I was just in his presence. His presence never failed to reassure me during this painful time. Jacob has been doing what he could to make the pain bearable. I can't hide the guilt on my face as my nightmares wake me to see him there. To feel his hand in mine as he squeezes it, trying to comfort me and ensure I am no longer haunted as I try to recover.
As much as Jacob could reassure me while awake, his presence did nothing to ease my mind as I slept. It sometimes causes my nightmares to spiral and my thrashing to become worse. Opening wounds and creating fresh injuries, slowing down the painful healing process.
When I'm wake up, watching him sleeping in a stupid chair that makes his neck and back ache, I don't scream or jump. Instead, I quietly sit up, my hand still holding his, as I cry. Crying over the pain I feel, the hurt I caused Jacob, and the guilt I'm experiencing because he is still here for me.
He considers me a burden, yet he is still here. To ensure that I am his burden and his alone. The thought makes me cry, my heart aching at the fact that I let him down again.
Some nights, I feel Derek's presence. The pain disappears, leaving a dull ache. My nightmares disappear, leaving me dreamless. Allowing my wolf to rest and my body to recover.
The nights Derek visits, I always see him enter the room. His face was sullen and black bags under his eyes. He is always in a pair of sweatpants and a sweatshirt, like he got dressed quickly, and decided to visit me at the last minute. As though it was a chore he had to do before he could go out and have fun.
My heart would break, a new pain filling me as I watch him walk to the chair in the corner, his eyes glancing at me once, before settling into the chair, closing his eyes and sleeping.
His presence comforts me, and I often close my eyes. Sometimes I would wake up before him, feeling energetic and refreshed. Only for Derek to wake up, his green eyes would meet mine, full of shock as they searched my face for any indications of pain. When he sees none, he would leave. My heart shatters as he walks out of the door.
My eyes close as the pain floods back into my body. I don't have the energy to cope with it anymore.
Derek only ever came when he felt I really needed it. Otherwise, he avoids me. Torturing me with new agonizing scenarios as I imagine Derek and Medeia together.
But I always woke up to find Jacob next to me, helping me. He never questioned it when he was awake. He just held my hand and continued with whatever he was doing. He would squeeze my hand, letting me know he was there when I was ready to talk.
Today wasn't any different. It had been a few days since I saw Derek. My body had been suffering. The discomfort I felt from the pain made me whimper with every move I made. Jacob looked up at me as concern filled his face. His eyes search mine as his hands grab my hand, trying and failing to soothe me.
I try to sit up, groaning as I fail, my muscles aching and causing Jacob to jump up from his seat as he pushes my shoulders back down.
"Hey, wait a minute, lie back down," he says.
His eyes looking over his shoulder towards the door. I can see him considering his options and whether he needs to call the doctor.
"I want to sit up," I reply, anger clear in my voice. I am annoyed that my body is in so much pain that I can't even sit up.
Wordlessly, Jacob helps me. His hands come behind me as he gently pulls me towards his chest, helping me sit up for the first time in a week. My body aches as it adjusts to being in a new position.
I close my eyes and welcome the aches. They aren't the same as the ones from my wounds and injuries, instead these are from lack of movement and sitting helps to ease the pain. I need to move. My muscles have stiffened from just lying on the bed.
"Thank you," I softly say as Jacob wordlessly goes to sink opposite my bed, filling a glass with water and bringing it to me.
"How are you feeling?" he asks. His hands graze mine as I take the glass from him.
His touch soothing my aching muscles, making me close my eyes as some of the pain was subdued.
"Like roadkill," I say, with a bit of defiance in my voice.
Jacob's laughter at my response fills the air. My eyes shoot open as a grin splits my face. I just stare at him, his head thrown back as he lets his guard down and laughs. I let a giggle escape my mouth, and the sound causes Jacob to stop, his eyes gazing into mine as we focus on each other.
I am the first to look away, my cheeks becoming flushed from the intensity of his gaze.
"Why are you still here, Jacob?" I ask, staring at the now empty glass in my hands. Tracing my fingers along the intricate design of it as I avoid looking at Jacob.
"Why am I here?" He says, exasperated at my question.
I involuntarily flinch at his tone and at how he repeats my question.
"Maybe it's because it's been a fucking week, Ana. And instead of getting better, you have slowly been getting worse," Jacob snarls out, his irritation showing as his shoulders become tense.
"I didn't ask for you-" I tried to speak to him, but he cut me off.
"And I'm here trying to help you, make you feel better. All the while, that stupid jerk, Derek, hasn't even come to visit you or help ease your pain. Instead, he has left it up to me," Jacob says, while pinching the bridge of his nose.
His words cause me to bow my head in shame. I know Jacob didn't mean his words to hurt me, but they still do. I play them over and over in my mind.
The room is silent as Jacob tries to recollect his thoughts.
"I didn't ask you to be her Jacob," I say quietly, "And although I appreciate you being here, I'm not your burden," I murmur.
I know by using his own words against him; I was being petty. But he shouldn't be here. I am not his issue, nor am I Derek's.
He stares at me. I feel his eyes on me as I focus on the glass in my hands again. I hear his footsteps and I hope it's because he is leaving. I need him to leave.
When I felt his hand on mine, pulling it off the glass, I let him. I let him sit down as I watched him, confused.
"Jacob, you shouldn't be here. The pack needs their Alpha," I say. "What will they say about you spending so much time with me?" I ask.
Jacob stays seated, his eyes never leaving mine as he continues to hold my hand.
"Ana, you are a part of my pack, and you need me right now," he replies. His thumb stroked the back of my hand, soothing the pain in a minor way. The relief makes it easier for me to stretch my legs out, to ease the muscle aches from lying in bed for so long.
"No, Jacob, you have duties you need to do, and you can't afford to be doting on me. You need to go home, sleep, and do what you are supposed to be doing," I say, irritation clouding my tone.
I want Jacob to leave and do what the community expects of him. I can't afford the pack accusing me of keeping him away from his tasks and giving them another reason to hate me.
"Relax, Ana, I have been keeping up with everything. Did you forget who you are speaking to?" Jacob says, a smile on his face as he reassures me.
"Have you been sleeping?" The question causes Jacob to look away, his eyes focusing on everything except me.
"Sleep, I'm not going anywhere, I can't," I say, slowly lying down as Jacob watches my movements like a hawk. I close my eyes when my head hits the pillow.
A dreamless sleep welcomes me when I feel Jacob's head on the bed next to my leg. His left arm is under his head as his right arm comes up and rests across my legs.