This is so messed up!
I told Liam I needed some fresh air after the invidious disclosure, so he took me out of the back door. Now we're sitting on the porch of his bungalow that overlooks the forest. Sitting outside during winter nights is usually the worst kind of suffering. But for tonight, it's more peaceful for me.
"Liam," I ask after a brief silence clouding the whole bungalow. "Do the Warriors know about the annihilation?"
"No," he says.
"Do you think Peter and the other Warriors will agree?" I bite my bottom lip to stop myself from screaming the fear out of my system.
Liam stays silent for a moment before shaking his head. "I don't know."
I nod in understanding. "Maybe we can tell Peter about it?" I say, stating the sentence as a question.
Liam's green eyes bug out from their rims. If he doesn't control himself, those eyes will surely fall off.
"And probably telling everyone about it will stop them from killing each other," as I continue, even though I'm still unsure of where I'm going with this. "Maybe it will merge the two camps, and we all can stop the Monarch."
Liam turns his face to the forest in front of us, and his defence is so strong I can feel it radiating through his whole body.
Is he waiting for something or someone to burst out from the forest? It's like he becomes one of the guards of the lockups. It could be his natural force of habit after spending 7 years in this bungalow alone, away from everyone in the camp.
His body has become edgy since we sit out here."That is not a good idea," he says without looking at me. "But it's worth trying," he frowns at something like a fuzzy movement between the trees.
I reflexively flick my head towards that direction. "What is it? Is someone there?"
There's a slight twitch from his body, and then he shakes his head. "No, I'm sorry. Every night my defence can become a little bit too intense." He finally looks at me with a reassuring smile on his tired face. I'm curious if he's constantly been tired, or is he only tired since I arrived?
"Did someone ever try to break in?" I can't hide the curiosity and a little bit of worry in my voice.
He nods his head like he is excited to tell me the story behind it. "Yes, once. An escapee from the lockup broke into my bungalow last month. Thankfully, I was still awake inside my office when I heard him bursting in through the back door." He points at the door behind us.
"What happened next?"
"To sum it up, he made too much noise but put on a little fight before he ended up being sent to his death."
I shoot him a look of horror. "You killed him?"
He nods adamantly. But not because he is proud of it but because he is sure that what he did was right.
I will never be able to see Liam as a killer inside my head because he's always been a sweet guy that I secretly had a massive crush on when we were little. I still have a crush on him, my heart will quicken whenever he's on my radar, and then my cheeks will somehow blush on their own. I can feel the heat crawling onto my cheeks just thinking about it now.
I wish it was dark enough that he couldn't see me right now. I duck my head as low as my neck would allow me to hide my sudden girly act. Ugh, I feel like an unbalanced-hormonal teenager!
"Aren't you afraid?" he touches my chin with his index finger before lifting it closer to his face.
"Afraid of what?" my voice has suddenly become hoarse. What is happening to me?
"Of what I have become."
"What have you become?"
He sighs in frustration, but he's still holding my face up, and his face is only an inch away from me. I swear it feels like a race is inside my heart right now.
"I've killed so many people for the past seven years, Ava. I've killed innocent people, and they were your people. I'm a bad person, a cold-blooded murderer."
Technically, he is cold-blooded, as the blood flowing through his veins is cold.
"No," I say, not knowing what it actually means.
He looks at me bewildered, as if I'm out of my mind, but I keep staring deep into his green eyes. Those eyes are the hue of the forest and moss under the sea, with flecks of tenderness gleaming even on the darkest nights.
"No, you're not a bad person, and I'm not afraid of you. Yes, you may have killed people for the last 7 years. But a bad person? No, I don't think you are, Liam."
He lets go of my chin and chuckles before we fall into another comforting silence. I don't mind if I sit out here with him, not talking to each other for hours, and I will still feel comfortable.
"I missed you," Liam suddenly says in a whispery tone, catching me off guard. If it weren't only the two of us right now, I wouldn't be able to hear that.
My cheeks blush, and I become so clueless about my own feelings. "I missed you too, Liam." I finally manage to say it back to him in a squeaking voice, and it sounds so pathetic in my own ears.
"Really?" From the corner of my eyes, I can see that the edge of his lips quirks up into a smug smirk. "You never left my head for these past 7 years. And it's getting so irritating sometimes because with you in my head, it makes me miss home."
When I look at him, my heart tells me to get closer to him, but my head won't cooperate. Damn it, why am I acting as if I have never been in love before? Okay, I admit that Liam is the only person I've fallen in love with for my 21 years of life, minus those 7 years when he left me.
"But it also strengthens me because I want to protect you." He still turns his head towards me with that sweet smile I want to kiss off his face.
"I believe I can protect myself," I try to sound brave, but my voice is hitched, and I can't believe I'm that 14-year-old me again whenever I'm with him.
He just laughs at me; probably, he realizes that he makes me fall in love with him even more.
God, can he just shut up and kiss me already?
"I believe so," he takes my hand in his for the hundredth time, and the more he does that, the more I am reminded how special he is in my life. "You are one of the most badass girls I've ever known."
I scoff at him and roll my eyes. "Yeah, right! How many badass girls you've known in your life? And I know you had them come over every night before I was here."
His brows are suddenly furrowed into a knot. I know that look, and I don't like it in his. But before I can say anything, Liam cuts me off. "Did Peter tell you that?"
I shoot him a glare and stare at him wide-eyed, "So, I was right?"
"Well, I-I..." he can't even answer me and turns into a stuttering robot. "Wait, were joking about earlier?"
I shake my head in disbelief when I realize I just caught him red-handed. "You didn't answer my last question, and the first one was rhetorical! I didn't even expect you to respond to it!"
His mouth opens slightly, but it closes again, gaping like a fish out of water, but no words ever come out from those rose lips of his.
"Okay, I'm sorry! You were right," he says, throwing his hands up in defeat.
"Which part was I right? The you-with-so-many-girls one or the one you should've answered me before denying the truth?" I say disdainfully, still shooting him the same ferocious glare. Why am I acting like this?
"Both parts," he admits adamantly.
"Right..." I don't know what's gotten into me, but I want to kiss and punch him simultaneously.
What kind of emotion the fuck is this? Can you really hate and love someone at the same time? What did I expect? His confession about missing me and having me on his head for the past 7 years will tell me he's actually saying I'm someone special to him?! Clearly not.
He stares at me with a confused look. "Why are you mad at me?"
I am so perplexed that he notices my sudden emotional change. Am I that obvious?
'Yes, you are, dumbass!'
My eyes widen when I hear my voice echoing inside my head. "I'm not!" Liam knows I'm lying because he raises his eyebrows at me, demanding the truth. "Damn it, Liam! I thought you missed me and were constantly thinking about me." Wait, am I jealous? Probably picturing Liam as a murderer is much easier than picturing him as a womanizer.
'Geez, that sounds disgusting! Please take that word back!'
What the hell? How can I possibly hear my own voice inside my head? That voice is real, I swear! Not the kind of voice you imagine inside your head; it is like someone is talking to me using my voice.
I know that Liam was always that popular guy back in school, and every girl wanted to date him, every girl (yes, that includes me). But I was never brave enough to confess it because we had been friends for as long as I can recall. I was always scared that sharing my feelings with him would only ruin the friendship because of these unrequited feelings.
"I did miss you, Ava! So goddamn much it sometimes hurts me physically! And you never fucking leave my head alone made it so much worse!" He raised his tone, but it wasn't because of anger, and I could almost taste the pain and desperation behind his every word.
"Oh, so now that is my fault? You left me, Liam! It was your fault, so don't blame me for something you did to yourself." I thought we were fine a minute ago, why are we yelling at each other now?
"Did you even sleep with those girls?" I asked him without thinking it through because I thought that was supposed to be kept for my own wondering.
'I bet he did.'
Whoever you are, an invisible ghost around me, please just leave me the fuck alone and stop minding my business!
Liam presses his lips into one thin line as if he doubts whether to talk. I don't even need him to answer that anymore; judging from his facial expression, it is obvious that the answer is yes.
"And sleeping with those girls made you feel better?" I say to him, sounding harsher than I intended to.
A look of guilt crosses his face, and he can't stop it before I can catch it with my eyes. "No, it made me feel even worse. I thought that would help me get you off of my head!"
I scoff at his last sentence. "Did it work?" I ask sarcastically.
"It did while it lasted."
He disgusts me right now. 'Bitch, dump him and return to Lucas; you deserve much better than this fuckboy.'
Oh my God, why is this ghost still listening to our conversation?
"Why are you acting like this?" he suddenly becomes angry out of the blue, turning this all out on me.
"Acting like what? Like a normal girl?"
'Yes, like an ordinary girl that is absolutely jealous!'
"Shut the fuck up!" I scream out to the air, feeling like a schizophrenic lunatic.
Liam ignores that as he continues to be a jerk, "like you didn't do what I did!"
I let my jaw drops so low this time, and I can catch a flying bat with my open mouth. "Just so you know, I had too many things to worry about after you left me dying rather than sleeping with some random guys!"
He stays silent and probably feels guilty about what he said to me. I still haven't told him anything about what's happened to me after he left me in the gorge before this argument heated.
"I'm sorry," he says softly after a brief silence. "I'm sorry for being a jerk! I wasn't thinking clearly."
His voice quickly changes my emotion, and I nibble on my bottom lip to instantly ignore the urge to forgive him. I want to torture him for a little while before he can get a free pass on this one.
I don't even know why I'm mad at him or being so moody around him. It's not like he was cheating on me, is it? He could sleep with any girls, guys, or anyone he wanted to because I had no right to tell him it was wrong. I am the only one catching feelings with my best friend, and he clearly does not feel the same towards me.
He sighs, and it sounds sad to my ear. "After everything...I was a mess, Ava."
"Yeah, I can see that," I say sarcastically. I know it's not fair for him that I'm acting this way, but I also can't push this jealousy away.
His eyes show the pain I created, and I suddenly feel guilty for acting up.
"I don't know why you are so mad about it, and I hope you can tell me so I can understand, Ava! I'm sorry if what I've done hurts you, but I never meant it intentionally. I would never in a million years hurt you, and you know that!"
Didn't he just confess that he hurt me twice tonight? Leaving me to die and sleeping with random girls just to get me out of his head. God, I don't even wanna know how many girls he's slept with!
"You really don't get it, do you?" I will hate myself for saying this, but I still do it anyway because I'm impulsive.
When Liam does not say anything to that, I sigh before I continue. "I like you, Liam. I have always liked you for as long as I can remember. Hell, maybe I am even more than just like you. I know you are my best friend, but I couldn't help but catch feelings for you. And I was always scared to say it out loud because I was always in denial. After all, if I told you or anyone, it would make it more obvious. I thought that 7 years would help me forget about my own feelings, but that was bullshit! I was-" I bite my bottom lip, unsure if I should tell him.
But I have been avoiding this moment for so long, and I'm scared this will be my last opportunity to do it. "I am falling in love with you, Liam! That hurts so much when you left me to die, and now knowing you've been sleeping with other girls, it felt like you just shot me straight through my heart with a bullet."
"Ava, I'm sorry..." he whispers through my neck.
Please, don't say another word, Liam! I still need to prepare myself for what will happen next.